


Yamada Daigaku no Reyna-chan

by Sypharo



Series: Henka [1]
Category: K-On!, 響け! ユーフォニアム | Hibike! Euphonium (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Crossover, Drama & Feels, Drama & Romance, F/F, Mild Sexual Content, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:02:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 157,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25150588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sypharo/pseuds/Sypharo
Summary: They say that youth is wasted on the young, but what happens when the young grow older? Join Reyna, a troubled college student as she navigates through Yamada University and an ensemble of KyoAni characters from across many franchises, romantic entanglements, and previous emotional traumas on all sides.New chapters every other Wednesday / Thursday.
Relationships: Akiyama Mio/Tainaka Ritsu, Kotobuki Tsumugi/Original Character(s), Kousaka Reina/Oumae Kumiko, Tokiwa Midori/Makino Kanna
Series: Henka [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971733
Comments: 12
Kudos: 23





	1. 47.48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> 47.48 by Childish Gambino
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

“Alright everyone, take a seat at the front of the tarp,”

A meeting long enough to necessitate a sit-down wasn’t something we did very often, so we all made our way from the final set of our show so far to the front with haste and anticipation. The other members of the cymbal line took their seats together towards the head of the group, so I followed suit. Mia gave me an elbow bump, queueing me to lean in.

“This is probably gonna be about the new trumpet performer,” she whispered into my ear.

“You think it’s someone from the corps?” I pondered, raising a hand to my necklace.

“If it was, you’d know more about that than me,” she snarked, “No, I heard Darby talkin’ about one of her students to Wakaso. A Japanese kid studyin’ abroad.”

I scoffed to myself, remembering my previous marching season, “The Japanese kids always get the solos.”

“This is different, chief. Apparently she’s a hotshot among hotshots. They were listenin’ to one of her high school solos and talkin’ about how their band started climbin’ the ranks after she got there.”

I was stopped before I could call bull by Wakaso stepping up on the bleachers to address us. As he did, Darby walked in with a gorgeous black-haired girl in tow. Her poise created a ‘no-nonsense’ aura around her, with her ill-prepared business casual clothes striking me as charmingly naive.

“I’m sure you’ve all heard the rumours that we’ve finally found a new trumpet soloist for our feature, so I’ll put them to rest first. This is Reina Kousaka. She’s a student in Darby’s trumpet studio at UCB, and is also studying abroad from Japan.”

Mia elbowed me once more in triumph.

Wakaso continued, “Try to make her feel at home here everyone, she’s sticking her neck out for us.”

Reina Kousaka then stepped forward, her long, dark hair ethereally trailing behind her before it caught up with her back. Her deep-purple eyes exuded a confidence that I’d only seen on a few occasions previous. It was clear that she meant business.

“Arigatougozaimashita. Performing with you will all be a pleasure,” she stated with a refined accent that would only barely clue you in that English wasn’t her native language. 

“Another Reyna,” I heard one of the basses whisper from behind as we clapped. She seemed somewhat confused at the applause, but bowed in gratitude anyways.

“Thank you, Kousaka,” Wakaso nodded as Kousaka stepped away and took a seat on the bleachers by Darby, “As well, to continue with our general theme of the many genres of rock, we’ve decided on our closer, which will be emailed out to you after this rehearsal. We were lucky enough to have an opportunity to debut a brand new song from the recent hit J-Pop band, Houkago Tea Time.”

Mia elbowed me a third time, probably recalling my raving about them two weeks ago. I elbowed her back for not keeping our secret.

“As a token of gratitude for helping them begin their American tour, they will be performing with us at the last regional and at finals. Until these shows, we will perform with a track of their song. Please thank them as often as you can when they arrive, as their involvement helps both ensembles.

The judges made it clear that while their inclusion was legal within the rules, it would not help our scoring, but I’m not so sure about that myself,” he chuckled to himself, “I can’t wait for you all to hear it. Alright, download your music and go eat. Evening rehearsal will focus the second movement, getting Kousaka comfortable. Ready, break.”

We clapped once with the “break,” as was tradition. Everyone stood up immediately and made their way out of the basketball court, however, I found myself lost in thought. 

What are the odds that I’d be performing with so many Japanese nationals just a few months before I intended on going there myself. I thought about all of the possibilities, but decided that I wanted to annoy both Kousaka and HTT as little as possible. Mia waved her hand in front of my face, yanking me out of my trance.

“What?” I asked, frustrated at the interruption.

“You were makin’ gay eyes at Reyna Two,” she teased, extending a hand to help me up.

I lightly slapped it away in playful annoyance, “I _so_ was not, and don’t you dare call her Reyna Two. Matter of fact, don’t even call her Reina unless she asks you to, that’s disrespectful over there.”

She scoffed as I stood up, “Oh, right, I forgot that you’re a textbook on Japanese culture now. She probably knows that we’re different over here and doesn’t care.”

“Better to play it safe, she looked intense.”

“Intensely pretty. You’re too gay for your own good, Reyna,” she jeered as we made our way out of the building. I gave her the middle finger as the light of the sunset blinded us. When our vision returned, we saw Reina standing at the door, staring directly at us. I froze in my tracks, quickly hiding my hand behind myself and awkwardly returning her stare, as Mia giggled at the surprise.

Mia elected to break the silence, “Yo, Reina—”

“Call me Kousaka, please,” she interrupted with purpose.

“Kousaka, apologies. Did you lose Darby? Or forget somethin’ in the school?”

“Ms. Adar told me I should talk to Reyna Marten. That’s you, yes?” she redirected her attention to me, awaiting my reply.

“Uh, yeah, that’s me,” I felt my eyes randomly darting around, “You can call me Reyna, though.”

She stood unfazed by my paltry attempt at a spin on her previous statement.

“Why did Darby tell you to talk to me?” I inquired, quietly suspicious. Darby loved to play pranks on me over the summer season, and she thought she had a good eye for my ‘gay eyes’, just like Mia.

“A few reasons. She said that you are going to Japan to study abroad soon, and asked me to give you some advice on both studying abroad and Japan. As well, she said that you were one of the only brass natives in the ensemble, and hoped we could relate through that connection.”

She hesitated before she continued, earning a tilt of the head from me, “Lastly, she said it would be funny if Reina and Reyna were friends.”

The blunt tone of that last reason caused me to believe that she wasn’t a fan of the joke there. I was surprised that she wasn’t accustomed to Darby’s quirkiness, but I shrugged it off.

“Well, cool,” I sighed, resuming towards Mia’s car, “Would you like to join Mia and me for dinner? We can talk over some food.”

“Should we be leaving the school before rehearsal is complete?” she questioned, looking back and forth once between us and the school.

“That’s why they gave us an hour and a half break before next block,” I smiled, wondering how things must have worked for her back in her band.

She grunted in affirmation at my statement, then spun around towards us, “Then I will join you.”

I smiled at her once more, then turned to the car, hearing her lightly trot to catch up with us. I didn’t know if Darby’s intent was in earnest after all, but I felt myself tingle in anticipation for what the rest of the spring would hold with this new development. I hoped all of this excitement would help bring me out of my post-breakup slump, but there was no way to know yet.

————————————————————

“Pretty bougie tour bus, huh?”

I snapped out of my trance at the sound of Mia’s voice, my eyes coming back into focus to see the Houkago Tea Time tour bus through the window, pulling into the parking lot. It was a fairly modest design in comparison to a lot of other tour busses I’d seen, with the band’s logo and each members’ colour-coded silhouettes stuck onto each flank.

Apart from that and their name in kanji to the right of the logo, it was just like any other charter bus I’d been on all summer for the past three years. My mind wandered to how I was deliberately throwing away that chance this season.

“It’s classy,” Kousaka stated, “Not what I would expect from a band of their nature.”

“Throwin’ shade?” Mia asked with a smirk.

“Of course not. Their music just doesn’t reflect the aesthetic of their design,” she clarified with a wistful look through Mia’s car window.

I shifted in my seat, throwing my legs over one another, “Maybe they’re going for a rebrand. You gotta admit their new song is pretty different from their bubbly persona thus far.”

Reina groaned in reply, her mind clearly elsewhere. After further inspection of her reflection, I noticed a hint of green in her eyes.

“How old are they?” I prodded. I knew the answer, but I was curious to know if Kousaka knew the answer.

She suspiciously glanced over her shoulder at me before she responded, “About our age. They graduated a year or two ago.”

“So you were probably in the same graduating class?”

“Are you getting at something?”

“Are you jealous of them?” I asked on assumption, “You’re giving them a green-eyed look right about now.”

“They’re special. The whole world thinks so, and they’re my age; they beat me to it.”

I felt an unusual aura around her last statement. I had the notion that Reina was the ambitious type, but I hadn’t caught on to a competitive side. Her expression had a tinge of pain to it now, almost as if she was wordlessly shouting about an internal dissatisfaction.

“Hey, Kousaka,” I leaned in, “Some people get lucky and get discovered. Others have to kick their own ass and fight to be recognised. I don’t think you’d want to be handed being special on a silver platter anyways, right?”

“Perhaps,” she muttered before smiling to herself, “You don’t have the best personality, Reyna.”

I grinned at her affectionate insult, then laid back into the car door. After what seemed like an eternity of stillness, the HTT bus doors glided open, revealing the pint-sized pop stars. 

They were led by a comparatively taller girl of traditionally good looks, boasting long, black hair and eyes very similar to Kousaka in colour, but more maternal in tone. Right behind her was an aloof girl with bobbed auburn hair secured with a yellow bandana, sporting a bit of a dudebro vibe. 

After her was a comparatively prim blonde with strong eyebrows, complemented by kind eyes. Lastly, a brunette girl that screamed clumsy stumbled out, her shorter hair barely managed with a duo of matching hairpins, but she rocked the scatterbrained look. They were all dressed in a similar ‘genki-girl’ style that varied slightly from member to member, making them that much more intimidatingly cute.

I knew all of their names, but I felt wrong for it. I had put them on a pedestal because of their music, but seeing them in person made me realise how strange that was. They were just college kids like me, albeit at least a quarter of a foot or so shorter. Mia gave me the look that clued me in on what she wanted to say next.

“Don’t.”

“I think you got a type, Reyna,” she went on anyway, wryly snickering.

“I do not,” I barked, “Even if I did, none of them look like Liv—”

I stopped myself after blurting out her name, then threw my chin into my hand. It was the first time I said her name while at a winter percussion rehearsal, and for some reason it felt incorrect to mix those two ends of my life together.

Mia felt my unease and backed off, checking her watch, “We should start headin’ in, rehearsal starts back up in five.” I nodded, popping open my door and stepping out, keeping HTT in the corner of my eye as they removed their respective instruments from the cargo bays. 

I was both apprehensive and ecstatic, and the unusual vibe I’d gotten continued as their fluffy attitude I’d seen in their interviews was muddled or absent. They were relatively quiet, only sharing murmurs between themselves as they geared up. I shrugged it off and caught up with Kousaka and Mia, who had already set off to the basketball court.

As we entered the court, the expected cacophony of diddles and dings amongst the battery and front ensemble calmed me down somewhat. Mia trotted off to chat up the other cymbals, while I found myself sauntering over to my water jug and taking a swig.

“You seem off, Reyna,” Kousaka commented, plopping on the bleachers between me and her trumpet case, “Is it about the name you said in the car?”

I flinched, then turned my attention to her, “Yeah. Long story short, someone close to me hurt me recently, and I haven’t really gotten over it.”

Her head tilted, then she instinctively reached for the keychain mascots dangling from her trumpet case, “I think I can relate.”

“Really? You struck me as the type to break hearts, not the other way around,” I tried to dispel the melancholic atmosphere I had created.

“It wasn’t so much as heartbreak as it was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I told someone something I shouldn’t have before I left, and things have been weird since.”

Her vagueness made me think that she wasn’t too comfortable discussing the topic, so I retreated a bit. She absently opened her trumpet case, with the sight of her instrument seemingly helping brighten her mood.

“I hope it works out for you, Rei— Kousaka,” I tried to be of comfort but tripped up.

“Reina is fine,” she smiled, then began buzzing away. I smiled back and slumped back into the bleachers, quickly finding it wildly uncomfortable and pushing myself back up. As I did, the titular quartet waltzed in, with the aloof one being enamoured by the feast of varying percussion instruments. The blonde walked up to Wakaso and bowed, talking to him a bit, but I was too far to make anything out.

Shortly after, Wakaso once again stepped up onto the bleachers to address us. As he did, an unfamiliar woman in a suit and glasses slipped into the room. Probably HTT’s manager.

“Alright everyone, gather up,” he commanded, with the ambiance of practicing gave way to a clattering of footsteps on the tarp and people taking their seats. Reina and I followed suit.

As he began, the band lined up underneath him, “Before the Denver regional tomorrow, Houkago Tea Time flew in early to get some rehearsal time with us, so we aren’t flying blind tomorrow. I’ll let them introduce themselves.”

The pretty one was first, “Konbanwa. I’m Mio Akiyama,” she seemed shaky as she spoke, but introduced herself with poise regardless.

Then the aloof one, “Hajimemashite, Ritsu Tainaka is me,” she announced with a straight arm peace sign and a nearly unintelligible accent.

Next was the klutz, “Konbanwa, Yui Hirasawa,” she bowed with an earnest smile.

Lastly, the blonde, “Hello everyone, I’m Tsumugi Kotobuki. My colleagues don’t speak much English, so if you have any questions or the like, please direct them to me. Thank you for performing with us.”

The ensemble clapped as they bowed, then the four began setting up their instruments on the prop we’d made for them.

Wakaso addressed us once more, “Well, time is short, so let’s get to it. Remember, thank them when you get the opportunity. Let’s get to work. Set up at the top of the closer.”

Everyone then stood up and split off to grab their respective instruments. As I went to put on my gloves and grab my cymbals, I felt uneasy watching Reina join HTT on the prop out of the corner of my eye. I knew she’d be cordial, but I had the feeling they were diametric opposites. I shook it off and got my game face on, wrapping the straps around my hand and hurrying to my set. I’ll worry about Reina later.

————————————————————

“I can’t fuckin’ believe you’re abandonin’ me on the longest bus ride of the season! Fifteen hours of no Reyna, how will I make it?” Mia whinged, nearly catapulting her luggage out of her car trunk.

“Don’t be happy for me or anything,” I snarked in retort, “It’s not like I get fifteen hours to practice my Japanese with fucking pop stars or anything.”

“My ass, you’re gonna party and try to get under of them,” she snapped playfully.

I scoffed, “This isn’t a college hangout, I know better than to make moves on someone with a manager that could bury me.”

“You’re such a Chad, Reyna. Chadna.”

“That was bad, even for you,” I chuckled, my attention redirecting to Reina approaching us. I threw my bag over my shoulder and shoved my hands into my jacket pockets.

“Don’t try so hard, Chadna,” Reina smirked, reminding me how comfortable she’d gotten with me and Mia, “Are you ready? No more English once we get in.”

“Pojitibu,” I responded, lazily slouching into my backpack. She shook her head at me, spinning around to face the HTT tour bus. Just two weeks ago, it had been a harmless bus, but now it was a citadel that I felt no right to attempt to enter, regardless of my invitation to do so.

“Don’t think in English anymore, if you do you’ll trip all over yourself,” she calmly declared as we made our way across the evening sea of overly hyped percussion kids.

“How can I not? Are you telling me you can think in both Japanese in English?”

“Hai, I can. Try it.”

I closed my eyes to try to focus on making the switch, feeling more like I was trying to unlock my chakras than be a good bilingual. After a moment of unlocking, Reina put an arm to my stomach. My eyes shot open, revealing that I nearly tripped over a bass drum. I shot Reina a guilty grin, to which she rolled her eyes and continued walking.

As I maneuvered around the rogue drum, the bus was upon us. The kawaii silhouettes now resembled gate guardians towering over me and casting down harsh judgement. I had taken Mia’s earlier words to heart and now felt immense pressure to be on my best behaviour.

“You seem tense,” Reina inquired in Japanese.

“I am tense,” I responded, in Japanese.

She glanced my way in surprise, then nodded, “Keep it up. Not the tense part. Your accent needs work, though.”

We tossed our luggage bags into the cargo bays, now ready to enter the bus. I swallowed the rock that had taken residence in my throat, and traipsed up the stairs into the bus. However, any cool I had managed to gather on the journey from the car was promptly lost when my eyes met the interior.

This wasn’t a bus at all. The inside was a heavily-decorated hybrid of all the best parts of a limousine and an RV. The spaciousness, mixed with the parallel face-to-face seating, the central table littered with fast food receipts and several drink containers, ranging from green tea to knockout liquor; it all stunned me. The veneer had been removed, and I realised that the paradigm shift from high school graduate to pop star had taken effect long ago.

It was only after that revelation that I even noticed the girls either standing or sitting around the interior, swiftly conversing and talking over each other in a way that turned my years of learning Japanese useless. Their casual dress also threw me for a loop, almost inciting an episode of gay panic. I looked to Reina for assistance, who looked entirely unaffected by the menagerie in front of us.

“Pardon the intrusion,” she politely bowed, grabbing Tainaka’s attention.

“Not at all,” Tainaka waved, setting her sights on me, “You’re Reyna Marten?”

My face flushed at hearing my name from her mouth, and I resisted the urge to bow, keeping my casual exterior, if not slouching further, “Yes, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” she replied with a welcoming grin, “Take a seat, make yourself comfortable.”

I politely nodded, keeping my calm as I removed my backpack and jacket, moving to place them in the corner of the left loveseat, or whatever the fuck this seat would be called. Less than a moment later, I heard a long “woah” from across the bus.

Within moments, Hirasawa was upon me, my arm in her hands, her eyes trained on my tattoos.

“Hi, call me Yui, tell me about your tattoos, Reyna-chan!”

Reyna-chan?

“The ones travelling up my forearm are all drawn to look like pieces of the uniforms I’ve worn over the past three summers,” I shakily replied as I scanned the interior for a bottle she could’ve been drinking from. My eyes met with Kotobuki, who was watching our interaction with glimmering intent, and Akiyama, who was facepalming.

“Sorry, she gets like that when cooped up like this,” Akiyama attempted to explain away her erratic behaviour, “Nice to meet you Marten-san, Kousaka has told us a bit about you.”

Good things, I hoped. The prop-side conversations they would have while the ensemble rehearsed now had some context, and explained how Reina became so buddy-buddy with them.

“It’s no problem, most people give me a similar routine when they see my ink, anyways, albeit less handsy,” I commented, my attention split between Yui and Akiyama.

“What’s this one? Diseru?” Yui looked up at me, her face way too close, “Oh, your eyes are pretty! Do you have a contact in?”

“No, they’re just different colours,” I explained, “And that says ‘Diesel’. It’s an inside joke with people that march tuba.”

“You _march_ tuba? No wonder your arms are so tough,” she continued eyeing and poking, ignorant to my now apparent discomfort and entirely flushed face.

Tainaka grabbed her by the scruff of her shirt and yanked her away, “Come on, Yui, she just got here. Not everyone can handle all of your personality at once like that.”

That prompted her to finally notice my body language, then she backed down, “I’m sorry, hehe, I must be a little buzzed.”

That earned a grapple into a headlock from Tainaka, who gave her a one-eyed glare, “Yui, what did we say about drinking before Reyna and Kousaka got here?”

Yui deftly slipped out of the grapple and took a defensive stance, “I just wanted to drink some of the soda, but you mixed it the other night! I was tricked!”

I slowly turned my head to Reina, who looked like she was on the verge of bursting into laughter watching my first impressions of HTT. I gave her a malicious squint before plopping into the seat, realising that at some point between all of that, we had started on the road to Dayton. I sighed, scanning the bus for a new interaction.

Akiyama and Kotobuki acknowledged by walking over to the seat across from me and Tainaka, sitting down, Kotobuki being the first to speak.

“Your Japanese is pretty good, how long have you been planning on studying abroad?”

That question hurt quite a bit more than it should’ve, but I thought up a non-revealing response, “Just a few months. It wasn't really in the grand plan, but when it was suggested to me, I attached to the idea.”

“So you learned fluent Japanese in just a few months?” Akiyama asked, leaning over and pressing her fingers to her chin.

“No, I’ve been slowly learning it for much longer. Connecting to my lost heritage and all that.”

“That makes more sense,” she replied.

“Don’t make small talk!” Tainaka exclaimed from around Yui, “Ask her something cool, like what got her into music or something.”

“Why don’t you if you’re so interested?” Akiyama retorted with sass.

“Okay,” she started, turning to me, “Reyna, hello, call me Ritsu, in fact, we’re all basically on a first name basis around here except Kousaka, which we respect, but yeah, what got you into music or something?”

I couldn’t help but smile at her nonsensical tirade before I responded, “I mean, what gets any of us into music? I like listening to stuff that makes me feel stuff and playing instruments that are a hazard to my health.”

“Really? Are you a masochist?” Kotobuki chimed in, her eyes twinkling a little too much for comfort.

“No, no,” I giggled, “It’s just a joke. What about you all? How’d you get into music?”

They went silent, uncomfortably idling in various ways, causing an interesting look from Reina.

“Let’s drink,” Akiyama suggested awkwardly as Ritsu rose and moseyed over to a mini-fridge and grabbed several bottles of fruity malts. Good to know I drank the same trash at my parties as pop stars did on their tour bus.

“Reyna, can you drink?” Reina pried, with a judgemental glare. She knew well and good that I have, and Mia had told enough stories of my drunken exploits to justify her critical gaze. I gauged what my current tolerance would be, my approaching birthday, and the legal drinking age of Japan, the one they were all probably more familiar with.

“Of course,” I lied, taking one of the bottles from Ritsu’s extended hand. She rolled her eyes at me once more, to which I responded with a sinful smirk.

————————————————————

“The _moment_ the pillow hit her face, we all pretended to be asleep,” Ritsu recalled, giggling through her slurred words. A symphony of laughing interrupted by hiccups then filled the bus.

I shifted downwards in my seat to rest my feet on the middle table, careful to not disturb Tsumugi’s rest and gently moving her head from my upper arm to my shoulder. I didn’t remember how I got into this particular situation, but I felt no right to deny her comfort and my delight. Ritsu’s eye caught this movement, so she subconsciously imitated Tsumugi and threw her head onto Mio’s shoulder, receiving a head-pat for her affection.

“Those were the good days,” Mio recounted, “Back when music was a pretense for hanging out, and not a constant obligation.”

“If you feel that way, why not retreat from the pop star life?” Reina inquired, her sober posture contrasting the plastered couple next to her.

“When Yui accidentally signed that contract, we were locked into a year of performances and one after another singles. It expires in about two months, and we’re all hoping to return to peaceful college life for a while. We haven’t decided if this is HTT’s last tour, but it feels like it.”

Reina’s intensity failed to faze Mio, who seemed paradoxically melancholic and relieved. It was clear that her and Ritsu were the most true musicians at heart in their group, so her conflicting feelings on their overall disillusionment made sense.

“I’m just glad to be spending somuch time with my best friends,” Yui slurred from the floor, raising an arm in quiet exclamation, “And as long as I have Gita, I’ll always love playing music.”

As motivations go, that’s enough. I thought about how much I missed my tuba right about now.

“Reyna-chan! I just remembered something!” Yui nearly shouted.

Again with the Reyna-chan.

“You never told us who suggested you to study abroad. I’m have to know,” she struggled through her words. How someone could be so moe in such an impure state was pretty remarkable.

“It’s complicated,” I sighed, drunkenly ignoring my sober-self’s instincts to not elaborate, “She wasn’t being nice when she suggested it, and it hurt when she said so, like she only said it to get me to go as far away as possible. In a way, I’m not just going for the experience, but also to get away from that situation and to spite her. It’s dumb.”

“Liv?” Reina questioned.

I flinched at hearing her name, “Yeah, Olivia.”

“Were you two dating?” Mio chimed in, a tinge of pity in her eyes. I found myself resenting the pity, but keeping that unfair feeling to myself.

“That’s complicated.”

“I think I can relate,” Reina lamented, closing her eyes and sighing to herself.

“To how much of it?” I asked, genuinely curious to continue our short discussion from two weeks ago.

“Wanting to get away, but not spite,” she went on, lowering her previously tense shoulders, “Remember how I told you that I told someone something I shouldn’t have? She was my best friend, but when she got a boyfriend, I wasn’t happy, I was just hurting. I told her that before I left, and her reaction only made me want to leave sooner. We haven’t talked much since then, and what conversations we have had have just been awkward.”

“I’m sorry, Reina, being rejected is never easy.”

“That’s just the thing, I didn’t give her the chance to reject me. We just stood there in silence for a moment, and right before she had a chance to reply, I walked away. I thought that would save me from pain but I can’t help but feel that it just caused more.”

I sent my eyes down, thinking about how to respond to that. I thought about how much it must suck for both of them to not have any closure for such a big confession.

“There’s no way to know until you get her response. Good or bad, it’s better than not knowing,” I attempted to console her.

“That’s surprisingly wise,” she tilted her head at me. I simply shrugged, reminding myself of Tsumugi’s extreme proximity. 

Suddenly, a phone on the table started ringing to the tune of Tenshi ni Furetayo, prompting Tsumugi to shoot awake and Yui to snap into an upright position.

“It’s Azu-nyan!” she exclaimed, swiftly grabbing her phone and plopping straight back onto the ground, “Azu-nyan! I miss you!”

She went silent as the subtle sounds of the voice on the other end rattled on in a distressed manner. The aura of the bus flipped from content to anxiety.

“What? How? What happened?” Yui’s voice trembled as she frantically pressed for answers. The other members of HTT quickly got to their feet, bracing for the news.

“Please take care of her, we’ll come back as soon as we can,” she pleaded, seemingly talking through tears. She stood up as the call ended, her sobbing confirming my suspicion. I looked to Reina, her eyes screaming at me to stay seated and not get involved.

“Yui! What is it, what happened?” Ritsu stated as they swarmed to her.

She struggled to speak, holding her hands to her chest, “We need to go home as soon as we can. Sunday!”

“What about the tour?”

“Forget the tour! It’s Ui!”

Yui’s little sister. I remember her name from an earlier conversation. Flashes of my own sister after her accident shot through my head, poisoning my expectations of what could have happened. The band then huddled up on the floor of the bus, marking the end of Reina’s and my involvement in the conversation.

I slouched back into my backpack, crossing my arms in an attempt to slow my shaking. I really hope that Yui wasn’t going through what I did, but only time would tell. I doubt I’d find out, and it wasn’t my place to know until further notice. Still, my entire being was anxious for her and her sister. Wanting to escape, I pulled out my earbuds, plugged them in, and hit shuffle.

……

_Little girl, thirteen,_

_Broke down, the violence._

_Little boys, playing 'round, shot down,_

_The violence, the violence._

As the soothing sounds of _47.48_ echoed through my skull, I felt my eyelids become heavy and the alcohol finally catch up with me. Sleep was a good enough escape for now.


	2. Lonely World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Lonely World by Moses Sumney
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

_Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely world,_

_Casts a shadow on the shallow love it hurls,_

_To the feet of swine it need not cast its pearls,_

_Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely world._

These were the first words I heard through my fifteen-dollar knockoff earbuds as I stepped foot off the plane into the Osaka International Airport. Anytime I felt anxious or just needed an emotional release, I plugged them in and let the music take me away.

I recalled that bus nearly two and a half months ago, and the events that changed this trip from an escape to another thing I wanted to escape from. The awkward silences and the quiet disagreements between the members of Houkago Tea Time after that call replayed over and over in my head. I knew I probably wouldn’t see any of them again, and nothing disastrous happened from what I remember, but the thought of that bus ride still made me particularly uneasy. 

Still, getting away from that business with Olivia made me happy, at least.

I tried to pull my thoughts away as I made my way down the terminal to the baggage claim. The flood of kanji signs still threw me for a loop, with the occasional international restaurant putting my culture shock at ease. No amount of studying could have prepared me for that shit.

From the top of the escalator to the main airport, I caught a glimpse of all of the chauffeurs and families waiting at a respectful distance from the base, searching for the sign with my name. I was told by my Pops to search for a slender young man with a bit of a dark brown mop for hair and dead eyes, but upon further inspection, that description could’ve fit anyone.

Finally, at the foot of the escalator, I scanned once more for any sign of the guy, but saw nothing. Just when I had resigned, I heard someone call my name to the left. Lo and behold, a slender young man with a dark brown mop of hair and dead eyes stood, lazily holding up a sign at hip level that read “Reina Martin”. 

Close enough.

I popped out my earbuds and threw them into my jacket pocket, then mentally brushed up on my Japanese before I approached.

“Oreki Houtarou?” I asked, sizing him up.

“That’s my name,” he responded, his voice somehow more dead than his eyes, “Do you have a coloured contact in?”

“No, I just have heterochromia,” I promptly replied, leaning to one side, “I’m surprised you said something, not many people point it out.”

“You probably dyed your hair fairly recently then, the silver brings it out. Plus, people like to say I’m the observant type.”

“I’d say so,” I laughed, surprised by his deductive skill, “I’m curious, what’s your connection to the Chitanda’s?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing,” he motioned for me to follow towards my carousel, “I’m a friend of the heiress, and being a business management student, joining them seemed like a good opportunity.”

Purely business intentions, I’m sure.

“What’s your luggage look like,” he investigated as we walked up to the carousel.

“It’s a military surplus pack, big fuck-off backpack.”

“Very utilitarian,” he commented, glancing at my hat. I felt sized up myself, between my eyes, hair, and now my spare hat.

When my bag appeared around the corner, I handed him my smaller carry-on backpack and equipped my rucksack. All geared up, he led off out the front corner gate towards the chauffeur area.

“Do you mind if I guess at your connection to the Chitanda family?” he inquired, politely but confidently.

“Go for it,” I curiously returned.

“Okay,” he began, “Deducing based on your surplus backpack and Blackwater ball cap, I’m guessing that you have familial connections to that security contractor, probably your father or an uncle. I know that their global operations have a focus on South Asia and the Middle East, so it would be a reasonable guess to say that your father, or uncle, probably knew and might have worked with Sekitani Jun, the brother of the current head of the Chitanda house.”

“I’m personally not sure of the specifics, but my father was a contractor for Blackwater, and was friends with a Japanese national before said national went missing in India,” I elaborated, now certainly impressed by his deductions.

“Good to know,” he acknowledged with a victorious smirk, “You should ask your father about Sekitani. I’m sure Eru-san would be interested to hear more about her uncle’s escapades.”

“Eru-san? Are you and the heiress close?”

He hesitated, “Something like that.”

I giggled to myself. Purely business intentions, I’m sure.

Our conversation conveniently wrapped up as we arrived at the chauffeur zone and began searching for the Chitanda car. It didn’t take too long, with the car quickly finding us and pulling up to the curb. We swiftly loaded my backpacks into the trunk and got in, setting off away from the Osaka International Airport and to Kyoto.

————————————————————

“Right here, Takemoto-san,” Oreki called forward to the driver.

“Of course,” he replied, pulling into the quaint parking lot next to the café.

“Why are we stopping here?” I inquired, scanning the exterior. I couldn’t quite get a look at the sign from our angle.

“The heiress is inside, she wanted to talk to you a bit before you get moved in,” Oreki relayed as he unbuckled his seatbelt and awaited the driver.

“Good enough,” I commented, shedding my jacket and leaving it in the seat. I was quite interested to see who this Chitanda Eru character was, and get something to drink, at that.

I took the free moment to scan the surrounding area. I think we were in Usagiyama, where the university was, but I wasn’t completely sure just yet. The surrounding area was equal parts quaint and suburban. From across the river, I could see a decently sized shopping district, colourfully decorated and lively. I found myself hoping that it was within walking distance of the apartment. 

I had always wanted to become a regular at a good ol’ shopping arcade like that, but the sparsity of Kapareno back home made walking anywhere nearly impossible. In a strange way, the idea of not having to drive everywhere felt really fucking freeing.

With that, Takemoto opened the door for us and we stepped out into the warm summer sun. After a few paces out of the parking lot around to the front, I took in the full view of the café we had stopped at. It was equal parts manga café and cosplay café, with what looked like to be a semi-partition inside between the two. The sign up top read “Endoresu Eito”, triggering some vivid flashbacks.

“What’s the heiress of a wealthy farming and real estate family doing in a cosplay café?” I asked somewhat facetiously.

“One of our high school friends works there,” he stated, straightening his collar, “Plus, the coffee here is surprisingly good.”

I shrugged in acceptance and strode in, with Oreki trailing closely behind. Once inside, we were met with an array of sights, the most eye-catching of which were the waitresses, all dressed as various anime and manga characters. If it was within walking distance, I would probably end up coming here fairly often as well. We were greeted by a squirt of a blue-haired girl clad in a Suzumiya Haruhi outfit, who bombastically approached us.

“Welcome to Endless Eight! How can you serve your Brigade Leader today?” she questioned intensely.

Oreki pointed to a booth on the opposite side, where a lone girl in business casual and with long black hair was seated, “We’re with Chitanda-san.”

“Good for you,” she expressed, pointing with Oreki, but with significantly more gusto, “Head on over and one of my subordinates will get you some menus.”

“Thank you.”

At her command, we traipsed over, weaving through several tables and around other patrons. Once we were within a few metres, the girl looked over to us and warmly smiled. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Oreki returning the smile.

“Mayaka is about to be on break,” she disclosed, motioning for me and Oreki to join her, “You must be Reyna Marten.”

“That’s me,” I responded, pulling up my shorts by the loops before scooting into the opposite side of the booth.

“Pleased to meet you,” she stated, “I’m Chitanda Eru. Oreki and I will be helping you move into and correctly manage the apartment you’ve rented from my father.”

“Anything I should know before I move in?”

She nodded, brushing her hair away after unsettling it, “You have two roommates that have already lived there for some time. We’ve asked them to assist us in the process. Their names are Tokiwa Midori and Makino Kanna. They’re pleasant people and will be living in the two rooms opposite of the hall from yours.”

She paused as a girl cosplaying as Maka Albarn came up to the table with two menus and waters, “Would you like some time or do you know what you would like?”

Oreki looked to me as I slid one of the menus over to read, “Probably need some time. Thank you.”

She nodded, then walked off towards what appeared to be the kitchen. I glanced up to Chitanda as she resumed.

“My father’s rules for the apartment are a short list, but they’re steadfast. Once every week, either Oreki or I are sent over to verify that all the tenants are following them,” she slid over a brochure, “Please keep this around until you’re familiar with them.”

I nodded, placing my phone on top of the brochure and pushing them both over to my corner of the table.

“That’s it on the short list, any questions?”

“A few, if you don’t mind,” I clapped my menu together and placed it on the outermost end, “What are the neighbours like, and what are the regulations on noise level?”

Chitanda paused for a moment, placing a finger to her chin, “If I remember correctly, the neighbours can be fairly noisy from time to time, but they have a schedule to coordinate when who makes what noise. If you think you’ll have to be doing anything particularly loud, consult the couple underneath. They keep track of the schedule.”

“Good to know,” I commented, my mind webbing out into the many music projects I had to work on and practice times when I managed to land a tuba and such.

“Alright, Oreki,” said a girl cosplaying as Spike Spiegel, approaching the table, “I have a mystery for you and Chitanda.”

She scooted into the booth next to Chitanda, then turned her attention to me, “Hi, I’m Ibara Mayaka. Reyna Marten, right? Sweet Kamina tattoo by the way, does it go all the way up?”

“Yeah, and I got it done pretty recently so it’s still pretty sensitive,” I returned the greeting, “Please go on, I’m interested too.”

“Okay,” Mayaka started, “You guys have Dekomori as your server, right? The girl dressed as Maka? She and the girl dressed as Lan Fan over there have a really interesting relationship, and I’m curious to know more about what it really is.”

Oreki crossed his arms and slouched back, “That’s not much to go off of. What else do you have?”

Chitanda leaned in towards Mayaka, her professional composure evaporating and her eyes widening. I didn’t know how I ended up getting coffee with a regular Scooby Gang, but I was all over it.

“Well,” Mayaka continued, scanning the café and adopting a contemplative posture, “I haven’t caught the masked girls’ name yet, but I know that all of her outfits have masks, and Dekomori only calls her by the character she’s dressed as that day.”

“That is very irregular, especially if they’re friends,” Chitanda added, her eyes trained on the mysterious masked girl, “That’s curious.”

“What else?” Oreki beckoned.

“I know that they go home together,” Mayaka commented, “Even when they’re not working the same shift, the other will show up at the end and they leave together.”

“Shy lovers?”

“I don’t think there’s all there is to it.”

As they spoke, Dekomori came back to our table, pen and pad prepared, “Have you decided on what you’d like?”

“I’ll just have green tea, no sugar,” Oreki replied, looking over to me.

“Are you and Lan Fan in a relationship?” I asked casually.

Suddenly, the whole table snapped around to stare at me in shock, while Dekomori began wildly blushing, her eyes darting around. The weight of everyone else’s eyes beared heavily down, causing me to sink down an inch or two.

“Well, no, I mean, yes, but, uh,” she struggled to look for a proper response, “We live really close, and we were in the same club in high school, and she thinks I’m cute, and I think she’s cute, and I guess we’ve been going on dates, but we haven’t really put a label on—”

“I’m sorry, it’s none of my business,” I feigned retreat, “But as a girl that likes girls, don’t overthink it. If you like each other, that’s all that matters. Also, I’ll have an apple cider with cream.”

“Oh, yes, green tea, no sugar, and apple cider with cream. Coming right up!” she hurried away, leaving me alone with the kids whose Halloween candy I had just stolen, “Shinka-chan, I need help in the back!”

“What did I say about— oh, nevermind. Be right there,” the masked girl hollered back, her frustration apparent in her stance.

“Did I spoil the mystery?” I asked, trying my damnedest to be nonchalant.

“Not necessarily,” Oreki expressed, “I mean, now we know the answer. I just didn’t expect you to ask her outright.”

“I guess I have a haphazard method of getting answers?”

“I’d say,” Mayaka giggled, “That’s cool though, I didn’t know they were together.”

“But they’re not,” Chitanda chimed in, “Or are they? I didn’t really understand her response.”

As they continued to debate whether the two were together, I thought about how Dekomori reminded me of myself when Liv and I first started talking. It took me a long time to be comfortable with our relationship, and based on Dekomori’s reaction, it was going to take her much longer, but I hoped I could get the chance to less awkwardly impart some wisdom onto her. I threw my hands behind my head and leaned into the booth. 

I was already feeling significantly better about coming to Japan than I had this morning. I hoped this train of positivity would continue.

————————————————————

“This is it, to the left,” Oreki stated, motioning towards the apartment building. 

From the highway it looked just about as ordinary as they come, nothing particularly standing out. That was, until we got off the highway and I caught a glimpse of some oddly dressed people hanging out on the roof. It looked like a cookout of some sort, but all I could make out was a candy assortment of hair colors and what looked like horns on a few of them. Good to know the neighbours will be all sorts of fun.

As we pulled into the parking lot, I pulled out my brochure to the apartment again, and flipped to the page where I had written the names of my new roommates. Mayaka also did me the favour of doing a quick sketch of both of them before she had to get back to the gig. I examined them, feeling like I had been on the back foot of every introduction I’d had so far. This time, I’ll be the one that knows everyone’s name.

“Are you ready?” Oreki inquired, picking up on my intensity.

“No but also yes,” I answered sarcastically, unbuckling my seatbelt and preparing to hop out.

“I just messaged Tokiwa that we’ve arrived, and it sounds like they have some company over,” he warned, phone in hand, “They’re sending Ouji down to help with any luggage.”

My brow furrowed, “Ouji?”

“He’s a friend of theirs, good guy.”

I instinctually pouted, having my aspirations so quickly dashed by the concept of them having company. No matter, I’m sure it would be a pleasant gathering. As Takemoto opened the door, we escaped into the sparsely populated parking lot, clueing me in that the majority of the tenants probably took public transport or walked. Just what I was hoping for.

A moment later, a lanky guy with copper hair and ear piercings appeared from around the bend, indifferently strolling towards us with his eyes on the sunset. I noticed a particular attention he paid towards the landscape in the direction of the sunset, reminding me of my sister anytime she reached for her camera.

“Don’t stare, Ouji, you’ll damage your eyes,” Oreki jested, startling him. Ouji then picked up the pace, scratching the back of his head.

He greeted Oreki with a motion for a fist bump, which was unenthusiastically reciprocated, “How have you been? Yamada been treating you well?”

“Well enough, their business management program is surprisingly thorough for an arts college. How about you, already on break or something?”

“No, I’m back in town for a project. Couldn’t think of any place but Usagiyama to film this one in particular.”

I sighed, not wanting to interrupt their apparent reunion, and headed off towards the trunk. They caught wind of me, and Ouji scrambled over. By the time he reached me, I had both of my packs in either hand and had closed the trunk.

“Let me get one of those for you,” he earnestly offered. Feeling generous, I extended the smaller one to him, to his surprise.

“I can carry the larger one, if you want,” he commented.

“I appreciate it, but I think I got it,” I politely smiled, unsure how to feel about the interaction quite yet.

I felt his eyes find my earrings, expecting a question of some sort about them, “The helix and orbital didn’t hurt as much as I expected.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get them that high up, but I’ve been thinking about gauging mine for a while,” he contributed, proving himself worthy.

“Before you two go on,” Oreki interrupted, “I have to start heading back. If you need a hand navigating campus tomorrow, Marten-san, you’ve got my email.”

“Reyna is okay, Marten-san doesn’t sound quite right,” I waved the words away.

He lightly smirked, then nodded, “Got it, Reyna. See you around.”

“You too, Oreki.” He slid back into the car and they took off, leaving me and Ouji alone in the small parking area.

“Let’s head up,” I stated, throwing the other strap of my rucksack on, “How big were you thinking on the gauges?”

“Nothing huge, like a zero at the biggest,” he laughed to himself, leading around the bend, “My girlfriend told me she’d put her finger through it if it could fit, so I’m trying to avoid that.”

“Is your girlfriend one of the tenants?” I asked, wondering how much Ouji would be around, and getting flashbacks to being ‘sexiled’ at college back home.

“Oh, no, Tamako is a friend of Tokiwa and Makino,” he quickly shut down the idea as we entered the apartment complex. Relief overtook me, washing away the flashbacks.

“So, you’re not a student at Yamada?”

“No, I go to a film college in Tokyo, but I’m from around here. I’ve heard good things and bad things about Yamada, though.”

“Bad things?” I tilted my head, hoping for some elaboration as we entered the stairwell.

“Something about one of the music department heads quitting right before this semester,” he explained, “I don’t know much, but you’ll probably find out soon enough. You’re coming for music, right?”

“Yeah, of a sort,” I shamefully chuckled, “I’m in between literature and music, and in not being able to decide, I just went with both.”

His eyes widened, but then shrunk back to normal, “Normally, I’d call you crazy, but Tokiwa, Makino, and Oreki all say that the workload at Yamada is surprisingly light, so you could be okay.”

“Don’t worry, Ouji-san,” I ceremoniously put a fist to my chest, “I will both be crazy and okay.” I earned a light laugh as we crested the staircase.

“It’s fifty-two, down the hall,” he declared, heading down the walkway. The landscape extended out from the balconies, displaying the sprawling suburbia. From here, I could see the shopping district just a mile or so out, and the main campus of Yamada University just beyond that. If I had to estimate, it appeared to be anywhere from a fifteen to thirty minute walk. Totally doable.

After my quick math, we arrived at the door, hearing muffled conversations from the outside, along with me just now noticing the noise from the cookout on the roof just above us. Ouji looked at me as he grasped the door knob. I nodded back, confirming that I was ready. As he opened the door, the full view of the main room to the left and the kitchen to the right was revealed, with three college-aged girls sitting around the kotatsu.

Sat on the far end of the kitchen counter was an array of roses of many different colours. Namely white, yellow, and pink. I noted the distinct absence of traditional red roses, and wondered if that meant anything.

The first around the kotatsu was a kindly black-haired girl, clad in glasses and low twin tails each secured by a white ball. I couldn’t help but notice the singular mole at the base of her neck. The next looked to be Tokiwa, wearing a golden bob cut and gazing on us with eyes that would’ve intimidated me on any other day. Last was probably Makino, her eyes appearing both glazed over and fully attentive, framed by a short, puffy chestnut hairstyle that I couldn’t quite pin down.

“I’m back,” Ouji announced as we removed our shoes. I was gonna have to get used to not walking straight in with my boots on.

“You’re a lot cooler looking than I thought you’d be,” Makino stated, her stare feeling more like a full-body scan.

“What were you expecting?” I set my bag down to the right, stretching back and punching my lumbar a few times.

She shrugged nonchalantly.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Tokiwa Midori, that’s Makino Kanna, and this is Kitashirakawa Tamako. She doesn’t live here but she’s around often enough. You’ve already met Ouji-kun,” Tokiwa spoke, motioning with her hands toward everyone as she introduced them.

“Nice to meet you, everyone. I’m Reyna Marten. Please call me Reyna, Marten-san isn’t very flattering,” I bowed, popping my back in the process, “What do you guys have to drink here? I’m parched.”

“Whatever’s left in there is free game, we were planning on going shopping tomorrow,” Tokiwa replied, putting her hands back underneath the kotatsu. I quickly understood why, feeling the cool air conditioning begin to creep in through the opening of my jacket. As I set off into the kitchen, they began talking amongst themselves.

“Mochizou, when are you gonna tell us about what your project is about?” Kitashirakawa prodded as he plopped down next to her. His first name is Mochizou? Is he the son of an overly enthusiastic mochi shop owner or something? I giggled to myself as I dug out a can of tea and cracked it open. After a crisp sip, I remembered how much I missed peace tea.

“I don’t want to spoil anything,” he expressed, scooting closer to Kitashirakawa, “I think it’ll be better if you go in blind. I’m trying to shoot it to where every little thing reveals something about the deeper story.”

“Kinda like Chekhov’s Gun?” I chimed in, letting my literary nut peek out. Tokiwa glanced my way in acknowledgement.

“Yeah, like that,” he nodded, “The focus of the project is to make something story-based, and I usually get poor grades when we do narrative-focused short films, so I’m pulling out all the stops.”

“It’s about the support beams, Mocchi,” Makino pointed upwards informatively, “Just think about it like a house.”

“I think it would be better if he thought about it like a short film, Kanna,” Tokiwa laughed.

As I approached the kotatsu, I elected to not disrupt the atmosphere and seated at one of the couches. After getting comfortable, I pulled out my phone and began scrolling through my notifications. Messages from Pops, Sara, Mia, and Alex, each asking me how I was doing so far. I appreciated their concern, but it felt like they were a little too worried. I guess my last fight with Liv didn’t help my case.

“So, Reyna,” Kitashirakawa redirected the attention of the room to me, “Tell us about yourself, like why you decided to study abroad, or what made you choose Yamada University?”

“There’s not much to tell, really,” I respectfully put my phone down, “I’ve always wanted to come to Japan. Being raised as an adopted Jew left me curious about my real heritage.”

“You have Japanese heritage? I wouldn’t have been able to tell, aside from your eyes,” she added.

“That’s my biological father’s side hiding it. I don’t know anything about him, but I know my biological mother’s maiden name is Suzuka, and she was a first generation immigrant.”

“That’s interesting,” Tokiwa commented, tilting her head, “Was that hard to find out?”

“Not really,” I slouched back, letting my jacket envelop me, “Apparently my Pops was friends with my mother, but he’s kept me in the dark on much about her for my sake.”

“Pops?” Makino questioned my English term.

“Oh, that’s what I call my adoptive father. He gets weird when we call him Dad, so me and my sister just call him Pops.”

“Sorry to pry on your family situation,” Tokiwa courteously apologised.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m not beaten up about it. It just is what it is,” I assured her, crossing my legs in an eternal struggle to sit comfortably.

“So, Yamada then?” Ouji inquired, bringing the topic back around.

“Well, it’s brand new, right? It felt like my best chance to not feel completely out of it was to study somewhere nobody was familiar with yet. Plus, they supposedly have good arts programs, which is what I’m into.”

“You might have lost that a bit, transferring near the end of the first semester.”

I crossed my arms, “I had some business come up, unfortunately,” I lied through my teeth.

“I dunno if we’re quite familiar with it yet, though,” Tokiwa disclosed, resting her chin on the kotatsu, “That campus is a maze. Any time I have to go anywhere that’s not the literature hall, I get lost.”

Makino mimicked Tokiwa’s exasperation, “Don’t get me started on the architecture hall, or the carpentry house being on the opposite side of campus from each other. It’s so far.” They practically melted into the wooden table.

“Sounds fun,” I puckishly smirked, strangely happy that the university wasn’t some copy-paste setup and was allegedly a quirky labyrinth.

“Well,” Ouji rose to his feet, nearly stretching up to the ceiling, “It’s getting late, Tamako and I should probably head home.”

Kitashirakawa curiously became flushed for a moment, then pushed herself upwards to meet him, “You’re probably right. Thanks for having us over! It was nice to meet you as well, Reyna-san.”

“You too, you guys get home safe,” I smiled, happy to have made another two acquaintances.

The four shared goodbyes, and when I looked back up from staring at my notifications again, Ouji and Kitashirakawa had left.

“They’ve been leaving earlier and earlier,” Makino observed, bouncing between her watch and the wall clock.

“They have been dating for around two years now,” Tokiwa rolled her eyes, “It’s about that time for them.”

“Never! Not our pure, precious Tama-chan!”

“It’ll happen to you too, Kanna, just a matter of time.”

“What do you think, Reyna?” Makino threw herself onto the couch with some breathing room between the two of us.

I averted my eyes for a moment, assessing the general level of innocence I’d gleaned from them so far, electing to take the coward’s way out, “I don’t really know if I’m the best person to ask about any of that.”

“Is it because you like girls?”

Tokiwa became completely flushed in response to Makino’s sudden hypothesis, “Kanna! That’s kinda personal, considering she just got here.”

I heartily laughed at the idea that I’d been pegged so immediately, “No, she’s right. I wear it on my sleeve.”

“Oh… Well, I guess it’s all good then.”

I raised an eyebrow at Tokiwa once she passed the threshold between the main room and the hallway.

“She likes girls, too,” Makino elaborated quietly, “Well, one, and she hasn’t said anything about it in a while, so I’m not so sure anymore. There’s another that visits sometimes, but they always lock themselves away when she gets here.”

My id immediately went exactly where I expected upon hearing that information, but my superego intercepted it, “Good to know.”

“Your room is the one on the left,” Makino pried herself from the couch, “We’re gonna go to the bathhouse in the shopping arcade in a few, you should come with us.”

I wasn’t sure what to think about the implications of inviting someone you just identified as gay to come to a bathhouse with you and your possibly gay roommate, but I’m sure it was more innocent than my gut reaction.

“Yeah, just give me like five minutes to unpack what I need,” I affirmed, mentally crossing my heart to accept the innocent conclusion as fact.

As Makino gave me a thumbs up and marched off to her room, I rested my head on the top of the couch and exhaled. I had already met so many new people today, and was guaranteed to only meet more when I went to my first classes tomorrow.

I fought the urge to become overwhelmed with the possibilities, and waged a war on myself for having to battle the urge to ask anyone about HTT today. I doubted I would get any information I didn’t already know from anyone I met today.

Tokiwa interrupted my train of thought by opening her door and calling into Kanna’s room, “By the way, remember that Akiyama-san is coming over tomorrow to work on that literature assignment, so we have to make our groceries run quick.”

I slammed my hand into my face. My brain had to open its fat mouth, huh.


	3. High Wire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> High Wire by John Mackey  
> Wesley’s Theory by Kendrick Lamar  
> Destination Moon by Paul Raphael
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

__ The rhythmic vibrations of my feet hitting the ground reverberated through my cheap earbuds as I desperately tried to match my running pace with the tempo of  _ High Wire _ . As I did, I began to have flashes from the few performances I could still remember from my rookie summer three years ago. 

The first full run of the show, my birthday, when I finally earned my spot back, the Atlanta regional when I sobbed for ten minutes straight after the last note of the closer, and a few more. Remembering how difficult and life-changing that summer was always made me want to run, thinking that I’d forgotten what it meant to self-improve. It was this strange feedback loop of self-betterment and self-punishment. It was also a phenomenal way to stay in shape both physically and mentally.

As the last chords of the closer echoed through my brain, I pushed my pace even harder, barely even taking in the surroundings of early morning in the suburbs of Kyoto. It was still mind-bending to me that I was really here, and in only my second day, I nearly had a full two hands of acquaintances. I was tempted to say that things were looking up for Reyna Marten, but Tokiwa’s interruption had planted itself in my mind, making me intensely anxious for my re-introduction to Akiyama Mio, and by proxy, Houkago Tea Time.

After the final note, I paused my music and abruptly stopped against my better knowledge, letting myself heave a few meters out from my destination, the music store. Calming down my breathing, I brought down my backpack to find my water bottle, my towel, and my shirt, then proceeded to have a sip, wipe myself down, and throw on the white, dollar-store t-shirt. I instinctively pulled my necklace through the neck hole, letting the trio of heavy charms, the washer, and discarded valve guides clang together in a chime I’d gotten all too used to.

After getting myself properly calmed down, I made my way into the small music store with one goal in mind: get my hands on a practice tuba. 

As I stepped through the entryway, I was overtaken by the sight of the myriad of instruments hung up in lines along the wall. Trumpets, trombones, saxophones, guitars, and the like, but no tubas from where I was standing. My gaze made its way to the right corner of the store where a lone girl stood behind the counter, writing in what appeared to be a notebook. The door slammed shut behind me, setting off a bell that made her aware of my presence.

Seeing her standing upright gave me a better look at her. She was fairly slender with an extremely puffy, somewhat unkempt, brunette bob haircut, giving way to curious, hazel eyes. I got a very familiar vibe from her, but I couldn’t pin down quite why. As I stood there waiting for her to say something, I noticed her eyes travel down to my thighs, after which she lightly blushed and caught herself.

“Ah, uh, hello, welcome,” she tried to recover, “How can I help you?”

“Yeah,” I giggled to myself as I made my sweaty way to the counter, “Do you guys happen to rent out tubas, or know where I can do so?”

“That’s an unusual request,” she commented, sending her eyes up and to the left, “I know we have tubas, but I’m not sure if they’re available for rent. I’d have to check with the store manager.”

“Are they in today?”

“Not this early,” she laughed at the prospect, “I won’t be here, but if you come by in a few hours, I’m sure he’ll have a concrete answer for you.”

“Fair enough,” I sighed, knowing that stopping by this early was probably going to be fruitless.

“However,” she continued, “Yamada University is pretty liberal with their instruments. If you asked one of their music students to check one out, you could probably use that.”

“Good thing I’m a music student then.”

She cocked her head at that, “Really? Did you just transfer, ‘cause I haven’t seen you around campus.”

“Yeah, today is my first day,” I began to go in for a handshake, then caught myself and bowed instead, “Reyna Marten, music and literature. Please call me Reyna.”

She flinched at hearing my first name, earning a confused look from me.

“Oumae Kumiko, music education,” she returned the greeting, then pointed to the back, “I’m sorry I can’t help you here, but perhaps I can help you at the college? I’m off in a few minutes, we can go to the Head Director and I can help you check out a tuba.”

“That would be awesome, thank you, Oumae-san,” I smiled.

She waved her hand, “Not at all, I owe you for not knowing about our tuba rent policy. I’ve got five more minutes at the counter then a bit to prepare for the shift change.”

“Got it,” I thumb-pointed to the door, “Is there a restroom nearby where I could get changed?”

She furrowed her brows in confusion at my words, “Might want to wait until we get to the college. Your outfit should be fine anyways.”

I looked down to my baggy, now nearly transparent white shirt and skin-tight compression shorts. It occurred to me that she might not have been concerned about my lack of modesty. Her checking me out earlier helped that conclusion along.

“Alright, I’ll be outside then.”

As I pushed the entryway open, I pulled my phone from its sad prison in my waistband. I, once again, found myself wordlessly staring at my various notifications from home. Alex and Carson had basically burned themselves into my lock screen, with their questions about my farewell to Olivia remaining unanswered. I felt like responding to them was the polite thing to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. Was it really any of their business?

I ignored their messages once more to look at the page I had open on the campus map and my class schedule. I didn’t have any classes until ten, so an adventure with Oumae wouldn’t disrupt anything. Locking my phone, I put one of my earbuds away and clicked the other one on, letting the tune of  _ Wesley’s Theory _ carry me into the sunrise.

————————————————————

“Reyna-san.”

I spun around to view the origin of the voice, seeing Oumae standing just around the back corner of the music shop. Her backlit frame against the mostly risen sun and the calm, summer river wasn’t too bad on the eyes. I acknowledged her by pocketing my remaining earbud and slipping my phone back into my makeshift phone pocket.

She scratched the back of her head, “Is there something else I can call you? Marten-san? Rey-san?”

I pushed myself off of the wall I had been leaning on and planted a hand on my hip, “Got a problem with the name Reyna?”

“No, no,” she awkwardly chuckled, “It’s just, that name holds a very specific connotation to me, and it’s not fair to associate you with it.”

“Fair enough,” I sighed through a smirk, “Rey-san will do. Let’s go.”

She grunted and trotted over to me, then we started off towards our destination. I thought about how rare the name Reyna was back home, and how weird of a request that would have been in Kapareno, but Reina was a decently common name here, so I couldn’t blame her for knowing another one. I doubt she was anything like the Reina I knew, though.

“So, Rey-san,” she began, “Where are you transferring from?”

“A college in America,” I clarified, “It’s pretty small, so I doubt you’d know it even if you knew a bit about overseas colleges.”

“I don’t really, so no worries,” she laughed, crossing her arms under her backpack, “But one of the charms on your necklace looks familiar. I have a friend that has one similar to it.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it, being in music education and all. Do you remember what group they were in?”

“Some indoor marching band, I don’t remember the name though.”

Figures. Going overseas to do indoor or drum corps is a pretty popular practice over here. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew a few people that have necklaces like mine, albeit significantly smaller.

“Is it heavy?” she innocently asked, her eyes somewhat uncomfortably trained on my chest.

“It was,” I replied, slinging it around and letting it clang back down, “But it almost never leaves my neck, so I’m used to it.”

“It’s that important to you, huh?”

“I guess you could say that. It’s the physical proof that I’ve achieved something, and each charm means something specific to anyone that can recognise it.”

“Nifty,” she commented, her eyes finding the river beneath us, “I wish I had something like that.”

I gently smiled at her interesting assessment of my corps necklace, taking the moment of quiet to appreciate the tranquil current as well.

“Are you from around here, Oumae-san?”

“Nah, I’m from Uji.”

I wordlessly tilted my head at her.

“Ah, right,” she muttered, “It’s about thirty minutes south of here. I moved here for Yamada University because some advisors that worked with my high school took jobs at the music department.”

“Following staff is as good a reason as any to go somewhere.”

“It didn’t end up working out that well, unfortunately,” she sighed, her gaze now on her own feet.

“I heard some things about that. What’s the story?”

“The Head Director was the former woodwind advisor at my high school,” as she spoke, her hands shifted from her back to her pockets, “But something happened in her personal life, so she quit right before the semester began. The acting Head Director decided that we didn’t have enough staff to continue with the concert band, so everyone who came to Yamada for that has been trying to find another music club in the department to call home.”

“That sucks. I’m guessing you were excited about the concert band?”

“Me, and a few others. There were talks about making a smaller jazz club at the beginning of the semester, but all the people we talked to gave us weird responses, so all I’ve got is a brass duet at the moment.”

“Weird responses?” I inquired, adjusting my hat.

“Yeah, we have a couple loners in the music program that would’ve been great for the rhythm section, but they all gave us weird explanations for not wanting to be in a club,” she gave an exasperated sigh. Sounds like she was really set on forming a decently-sized ensemble.

“Well if we can get a horn and a trumpet, we could form a small brass choir,” I grasped at straws to improve the mood.

“I already have a trumpet, so all we’d need is a horn— ah, we’re almost there.”

I looked up to see the administration building down the street. The other buildings of the campus were obscured from our point of view, but I already got a sense of how maze-like the university could be based on the admin building’s odd shape.

“I’m wondering if I should let the faculty know that I’m starting today,” I questioned myself out loud.

Oumae threw her two cents in, “You registered digitally, right? You should be fine.”

“If I’m not, it’s on you, Oumae-san,” I teased.

“I guess that’s fair,” she huffed sarcastically, “The music building is this way.”

I let her take the reigns as we sauntered from the fairly dense suburbia across the road into the sparse campus. Each building was both larger and smaller than I expected to only occupy one range of majors at a time. The music hall ended up being in the far back corner of the campus, making me exceedingly thankful that I dressed light. Noticing Oumae’s comparatively covering outfit, I extended her my water bottle.

“Thanks,” she smiled gratefully, coming to a full stop to figure out whether she should waterfall or just take a normal swig.

“You can have the bottle, I’m done with that one.”

She nodded, wiping the brim with her shirt and taking a drink. I couldn’t help but smirk at her moment of contemplation on how to accept the water bottle. My acquaintances became more quirky with each new addition, it seems.

“It’s this one right here,” she stated, placing the water bottle in one of her backpack side pockets, “Through that door are the practice rooms, and at the end of the hall is band room two. I need to meet up with my partner in the duet there, you can join me or wait outside.”

“I think I’m gonna check out the practice rooms first,” I responded, “I’ll catch up with you in band room two.”

“Got it,” she opened the outside exit, giving way to the muffled sounds of various instruments going through various stages of their warm-ups. As she marched along towards the end of the hall, I peeked into the practice rooms one at a time, getting a feel for the space inside and brainstorming about the possible acoustics inside.

Once I got to the third practice room on the left, I peered into the window for my eyes to spy a familiar shade of blonde sat at a high-end keyboard. When I realised what I was seeing, I lost my balance and fell into the opposite wall. The following noise caused the practice room door to open shortly after, confirming my suspicions.

“Reyna-chan? Is that you?”

The voice emanated from a pale, curvy-set girl with a platinum lob cut and strong eyebrows that ran in the family. The plum blossom lapel pin on the strap of her pinafore skirt grabbed my eye as I caught my gaze awkwardly travelling down her body, respectfully sending it back up to her face. I remembered the sensation of her head on my shoulder on that bus three months ago.

“Tsumugi-san?”

She braced herself and extended a hand to help me off the floor, “I knew you were coming to Japan, but Yamada University? What a coincidence!”

I awkwardly chuckled, raising from the ground, “Yeah, what a coincidence. Are the others here too?”

She nervously shifted in response to my question, “Yes, everyone but Yui-chan.”

I tilted my head at her hesitation. She was visibly uncomfortable at the mention of the other members of HTT, keying me in to the fallout of that bus ride.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise,” I did everything in my power to back out of that particular topic, “It’s good to see you again, though. The shorter hairstyle looks really good on you.”

“You really think so?” she sprung back into her usual mannerisms, “I went to a new stylist for it so I was concerned, but he was really good.”

“Yeah, he did a great job.”

We stood in silence for a moment before she continued, “Is this your first day? When is your first class?”

“It is, and not until ten,” I expressed, attempting to put my hands into my nonexistent back pockets, “But I met someone at the music store who was gonna help me check out a tuba with the Head Director.”

“Could I perhaps join you? My father and Hashimoto-sensei are good friends, I could assist you as well,” her eyes took on an adorable glimmer at the prospect of helping out.

“I’ll leave that to Oumae-san,” I motioned to the doors of band room two, “She’s just in there, let’s go see.”

Before I finished the sentence, she had closed the door to her practice room and locked it, giving me her answer.

“Got it,” I smiled, turning towards the end of the hall. Tsumugi eagerly took position behind me as we strolled to the double doors of band hall two, hearing Oumae’s voice sneaking out through the cracks. As I gripped the handle and pulled the door open, another familiar voice began.

“A tuba playing transfer student with tattoos and a big necklace? Sounds like—”

“Reina?” my jaw nearly hit the floor.

“Reyna?” she echoed my surprise.

Oumae was absorbed by a similar surprise, her eyes darting between the common washer on our necklaces, “Wait, you two know each other?”

Our moment of shock was interrupted by Reina shooting me a friendly smile, assuring me that there were no irrational feelings from that night those months ago. I smiled back, being eternally grateful that I at least had that. The mood became muddled when Tsumugi stepped forward, earning an indiscernible look from Reina. My hopes of a normal year abroad felt suddenly dashed as I took a heavy breath in and back out.

————————————————————

“Selamat pagi, Mai-chan! Wait, why are you carving out here, can you even have that knife on campus?”

“I have a license for it, issued by the arts department.”

“They issue licenses for carving knives?”

As opposed to my usual routine of listening to music in my down time, I instead let the idle conversations of the courtyard fill my head. I had survived my reunion with both Reina and Tsumugi, which left me particularly optimistic for my reunion with Mio, but I wondered whether it would be better to mention that I reunited with them, or leave that detail out. I loudly groaned, letting my agony be heard throughout the common area, receiving no response.

It was probably better to spend my free time between classes eating instead of overthinking. I pulled out my shotty bento and cracked it open, thinking about how great it would be if I just had the ingredients to make food I was familiar with rather than buy convenience store food to stuff my bento with. With that realisation, I made a mental note to tag along with Tokiwa and Makino for their shopping trip, maybe even get ingredients for burgers. Fuck, I could kill for a patty melt right about now.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Tsumugi’s voice nearly surprised me out of my skin.

“Food,” I mumbled, ashamed at how zoned out I must have looked.

“I too drool when thinking about food, specifically Western food, like hamburgers or pizza,” she commented as she walked over, “May I sit with you?”

I nodded, wiping the alleged drool away, “I figured you’d be into classier things, Tsumugi.”

“Quite the contrary,” she elaborated, opening a bento box stuffed with octopus weiners, cheap sushi, and fried rice, “I spent most of my childhood around expensive food and extravagant things, so nowadays I find myself craving more ‘normal’ things.”

“It doesn’t get more ‘normal’ than octopus wieners, I suppose.”

An awkward silence took over as we both began digging in. I honestly had no idea what to talk to Tsumugi about that wouldn’t trigger a similar uncomfortable response to earlier. Out of everyone in Houkago Tea Time, she was the one I had gotten the least conversation time with. However, the simple fact that she’s been so friendly since we reunited struck me as an attempt to get closer, so I couldn’t help but feel obligated to put in at least equal effort.

“You said ‘childhood’ before, does that mean you aren’t living with your family anymore?” I managed to mine her previous statement for a conversation topic.

“That’s right,” she replied, covering her mouth for a second, then continuing, “I moved out fairly recently, and the revenue from the band left me with enough to rent an acceptable apartment near here. I don’t have any roommates, however, so I usually end up spending most of my time here or with friends from the Women’s University.”

“Yeah, weren’t you guys going to the Women’s University when we last talked? What happened with that?”

She hesitated again, her eyes darting from side to side like she was trying to search for a comfortable answer. Damn it, I did it again. I reached back to run my fingers through my ponytail, feeling ashamed for making it awkward once again.

“We had to transfer,” she murmured, still unsure of how to respond, “We weren’t—”

“It’s okay, Mugi-chan,” I interrupted her, paying little mind to my words, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Her eyes shimmered at my words, and she went from appearing distraught to making eye contact, “Please call me Mugi-chan once more. I haven’t heard anyone do so for some time.”

I felt equal parts saddened and happy at her response. I wondered how deep the fractures in their friend group had gone, and if this was her first time going through a falling out with a tight-knit group. In the end, I elected to give her a smile.

“Okay, Mugi-chan,” I acknowledged her wish. The look in her eyes definitely spoke to some form of abandonment-induced loneliness, and I felt the overwhelming desire to protect her in that moment.

“When is your last class, Reyna-chan?”

I put my hand to my chin in contemplation, then quickly gave in and pulled my phone out to check my schedule. As my hand travelled from my chin to my pocket, I felt Mugi’s gaze settle on my thighs even after my hand left the area. I guess it’s ‘stare at Reyna’s thighs’ day and I missed the memo.

“It’s at fourteen, so not too long of a day,” I clicked my pop socket back in and placed my phone on my lap, rearming myself with chopsticks.

“I would like to ask your assistance with something, but after classes,” she shyly expressed.

“Well,” I started, “I have to rush back home to join my roommates for a shopping run tonight, and they’re having company over after that, so I’m not sure how free I will be tonight. Maybe we can trade emails and talk about it some other time.”

She nodded with determination and fished her phone out of her school bag, with the array of various flower stickers on her phone case catching my eye. We then proceeded to exchange information, with Mugi becoming my fourth new contact since arriving yesterday. Jesus, had I actually only been in Japan for a day? For some reason, it had felt like much longer.

“Okay, I’ll message you a little about it tonight, and we can discuss more tomorrow,” she beamed hopefully. I felt like I had just accidentally signed some sort of contract, and worry crept into the back of my mind.

As we completed our transaction, I noticed Reina round the corner to our left. It was starting to feeling as if these girls had a fucking radar for me.

“Reyna, can I talk to you for a moment?” she stated, intensely as always. Mugi was taken aback for a moment, probably recalling her less-than-welcoming reception earlier. Some interspersed glares from Reina confirmed to her to get the hell out of Dodge City. I couldn’t help but wonder if anything had happened between them in the past few months.

“I should probably be getting to my next class anyways,” she nervously disclosed, promptly transferring her bento from her hands to her bag and standing up, “It was nice talking to you again, Reyna-chan. See you later.”

With a flash of blonde lightning, she was out of sight, queueing Reina to approach.

“How much have you heard about HTT’s breakup?” she cut straight to the chase, leaning on the wall next to me instead of occupying the now half-empty bench.

“In all honesty, nothing,” I relayed, putting my bento and phone in their respective pockets, “I didn’t even know that they had until Mugi-chan implied as much this morning.”

“Mugi-chan?” she questioned, “Admittedly, I don’t know much either, but I know it wasn’t pretty. They had to transfer universities, Hirasawa-san isn’t even in college anymore, Tainaka-san is rarely around, and I’ve only seen Akiyama-san and Kotobuki-san interact once every blue moon. That phone call we overheard back then was just the beginning of it.”

“I doubt they split up out of malice,” I expressed, remembering the hurt in Mugi’s eyes earlier, “It was probably just a series of unfortunate events.”

Reina’s dismissive glances spoke volumes to her inner dialogue, “I just want you to be careful, Reyna. How suddenly they divided is highly concerning, and I don’t want you to feel like you wasted your time in Japan trying to navigate that drama.”

“That’s surprisingly caring, Reina,” I smirked at her odd ways of displaying her affection.

“Of course,” she remarked, pulling out her phone after receiving a notification.

“Before you disappear into the nether realm again, tell me about Oumae-san,” I jested, with her instantly looking over to me at the sound of the name.

“Kumiko is the friend I told you about,” she conveyed, “The one that I confessed to before leaving for America. Her and her boyfriend broke up at some point while I was away, and when I got home, we kissed. We’ve spent the past few months trying to figure what we mean to each other. It’s slow-moving, but I go at the pace she needs me to.”

“That’s so romantic, Reina-rin,” I joked, earning a firm chop on the head. I couldn’t help but laugh at how instantly she expressed her distaste for the joke.

“If you call me Reina-rin ever again, it’s back to Kousaka-san for you.”

“My heart! And here I was thinking we’d be besties forever.”

My exaggeration was rewarded with just the slightest smirk as she pushed herself off of the wall and began back around the corner.

“I’ll be careful, Reina. Don’t worry about me.”

She grunted in affirmation as she disappeared back around the corner, leaving me once again alone with my thoughts. Her warning and Mugi’s reactions to any mention of the others had reset my level of anticipation for Akiyama Mio’s foray into our apartment. I didn’t know what the future held for Reyna Marten, but I’d be lying if I said I was too optimistic anymore. 

However, I left ‘go with the flow Reyna’ in the Denver airport, and had no intention of taking a backseat to any of these events. I instinctively reached for my earbuds, but instead decided to let the sounds of campus occupy me until next class.

“When is your next shift?”

“I’ve got another tonight, we’re doing Hare Hare Yukai for a shareholder’s birthday.”

“Figures that a shareholder for a cosplay café would also be a weird otaku.”

“You still have no respect for our culture, Kagami.”

————————————————————

“It’s good to see that everyone at Usagiyama is still doing well.”

“Every time we go there, I feel like we’re being transported back in time to high school.”

As we trekked across the bridge between the shopping arcade and our neck of the woods, I let Makino and Tokiwa talk amongst themselves and appreciated the beauty of the afternoon. The sky had turned a glamourous shade of orange and the clouds gathered on each side of the horizon, leaving us uncovered. It felt like I had taken the “cloudless curse” with me across the Pacific. I couldn’t help but giggle at the reminder of that joke.

“Reyna is laughing at our dreams of returning to high school, Mido-chan,” Makino squinted at me, her hand prepped like she was ready to draw a weapon on me.

“No, haha,” I clarified, resting my hand on the nape of my neck, “I’m just remembering this joke we had back home.”

“What’s the joke?” Tokiwa leaned forward to see me past Makino.

“At the Outriders, we joke about how the clouds always seem to be everywhere but over us. It’s just our way of explaining away how hot it gets in the Texas summer.”

“Isn’t that the marching band you are in?” Makino chimed in, her eyes bouncing between my necklace and my corps hat, rocking the same logo as my charms.

“Pretty much, I’ve been with them for the past three years,” I continued before stopping myself, not wanting to clog their ears with band talk, “So, why was Usagiyama such a big part of your high school life?”

“Tamako and Ouji-kun’s families run the mochi shops at the end,” Tokiwa explained, “We just always found ourselves there, whether we were helping out or hanging out. It’s like a second home, now.”

“Don’t tell her about our first year, Dera and the Southern Islands must remain a secret,” Makino added, putting a single finger in Tokiwa’s face.

Tokiwa playfully pushed the finger away with a chuckle, “It’s not like it's that weird, Kanna.”

“You never know who’s listening, Mido-chan.”

I lightly chuckled at their dynamic, recognising that they, Kitashirakawa, and Ouji must have been really close in their high school years. Must be nice.

“Don’t worry, Makino-san, I can keep a secret,” I added as I put my hands in my pockets.

“That remains to be seen,” she retorted, nearly tripping on the slight curb from the bridge to the street, “But I’m inclined to trust you, on the basis that you are always wearing a hat. I respect someone that always protects their head.”

“I’ll take it,” I sighed contentedly, “So who’s handling dinner tonight then?”

“I was thinking I could make some miso to go with your burgers, Reyna,” Tokiwa replied, “They sound like they could go really well together.”

“I don’t really know what goes into miso yet, so I’ll take your word for it. I hope you don’t need the onions, I was gonna caramelise them and have the option of having the burgers as melts.”

“You sound like you know your stuff on cooking, Reyna. Well, American cooking,” Makino commented as we crossed the street, nearing our apartment building.

“Not really,” I elaborated, “My Pops only taught me how to grill, and I usually handle the food at my college parties, so I’ve gotten settled in making burgers and such.”

“That’s okay, I usually handle the cooking around the apartment, but I’m not great with meats. I always feel like I’m either overcooking or undercooking it,” Tokiwa droned, internally pouting.

“And I can’t really cook at all, so don’t leave dinner up to me unless you want to go to a restaurant,” Makino skipped between the lines in the pavement as she lamented.

“You two almost have a housewife and a working husband relationship,” I jested.

“You’re right,” Makino stared at her various splinter scratches and calluses, “My hands look like this so hers can make me dinner.”

Tokiwa rolled her eyes with a smile, shifting the shopping bags from one hand to the other. I began to wonder again about how Makino and Tokiwa had come to the decision to live together, and if what Makino told me last night had anything to do with it. I decided that it wasn’t any of my business until further notice as we came upon the stairs up into the apartment.

“Oh, Reyna,” Tokiwa began, “Remember to talk to our neighbours underneath about the noise schedule tomorrow, now that you have your tuba here.”

“If the maid answers the door, be very careful,” Makino stated, crossing her arms, “She has a very short temper.”

“Noted,” I acknowledged, wondering how anyone that lives in an apartment complex could afford a maid.

As we finally crested the staircase to the fifth floor, we rounded the corner and made it into our apartment. We then removed our shoes, put the grocery bags on the counter, and got to work sorting what she needed for her miso, what I needed for my melts, and what we were storing for later in the week. After getting everything sorted, I plugged in an earbud and clicked it on, letting the sweet sounds of  _ Destination Moon  _ drive me through my cooking process.

————————————————————

Just as I had finished the last burger, my zen was interrupted by my music giving way to my ringtone. I swiftly rescued my phone from its pocket prison and saw the caller was Sara. I answered and switched my phone audio from speaker to earbuds.

“Just a moment,” I said into the phone, “Tokiwa, can you plate up my burgers? I need to take this.”

“Yeah, I got it.”

I haphazardly slipped on my shoes and slinked out the door, deciding that I didn’t want to disrupt Makino or Tokiwa, just in case it was anything especially important or long winded.

“Hey, Sara, what’s up?”

_ “Hey, Reyna. How have you been? No one except Pops has heard from you since you got off the plane.” _

“Yeah,” I sighed, trying to sort the English words back out of my subconscious, “It’s just a little soon for everyone to be so worried about me already, you know? I just wanted to get a few days in before I started giving updates.”

_ “If you wanted to be left alone, you shouldn’t have given Liv such an earful before you left. She’s had to step out of every rehearsal yesterday and today to calm herself down.” _

I really fucked up with that farewell, didn’t I?

I did my best to stand my ground, “It’s not my fault that she can’t separate her emotions from the field. All I told her was that I didn’t want to be worried about keeping up our ‘relationship’ while I was gone.”

_ “Don’t even give me that. You know that’s not how she took it,” _ Sara called me out.

“Ugh, why should I care how she took it? She’s said way worse to me before.”

_ “Please tell me that’s not your excuse, Reyna.” _

“And what if it is? Does that make me a bad person, or justified,” I barked through the speaker, realising how frustrated I was getting and attempting to calm myself.

_ “Whatever, this isn’t what I wanted to call you about. I need you to call Carson and tell him that you being gone isn’t an excuse to flirt with me constantly.” _

My irritation was immediately dispelled and I laughed aloud, “Really? I can do that, but that sounds kinda kawaii.”

_ “Kawaii?” _

“Fuck, I meant cute. Anyways, why can’t you just tell him off yourself? Throw one of your legs at him?”

_ “That’d be a waste of a good prosthetic. Plus, I don’t want to create a situation that could end up with me getting in trouble with the corps and being kicked off the volunteer team. Just please, you owe me for burning my summer.” _

I scoffed at her statement, “So fulfilling your sister’s farewell request is a waste of your summer? How cold.”

_ “You know what I mean. Try not to call him during rehearsal if you can.” _

“I’ll do my best,” I sighed in resignation, flipping around to lean on the bars of the balcony. As I did, I caught a glimpse of a stream of black hair flowing in the wind.

“Hey, Sara, can I call you back?”

_ “No real need to, this is an okay stopping point.” _

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later.”

_ “Gotcha. Later, Reyna.” _

As Sara hung up the phone, I spun back around to face Mio, who was standing a few meters away with her school bag in both hands, an interesting expression of surprise and warmth on her face. Along with her school bag, she cradled a small vase of bluebells and yellow daffodils.

The lone white ball separating her ponytail from her hair struck me as exceedingly odd and familiar. Where had I seen that before?

“So you’re their new roommate,” she confided, brushing her ponytail forward, “When Tokiwa-san said that her new roommate was an American girl with tattoos and had a charm necklace, I thought the description sounded familiar.”

I threw my head back into the open air past the balcony, “You should’ve seen the look on my face when she told me that Akiyama Mio was coming over to study.”

“Was it a pleasant look?”

I hesitated too long to respond in time.

“I figured,” she sighed, her face becoming downcast, “None of us ever apologised for how awkward that bus ride got, did we? I’m sorry.”

“Mugi-chan and Reina already told me a little about what’s happened since then.”

She gritted her teeth, then continued, “I doubt they said much other than ‘the band split up,’ though.”

“You’re right, there,” I conceded, “But it’s none of my business until further notice.”

“I’m sorry you’re already getting dragged into it. That’s not fair to you,” the look her eyes came across as both genuine and resentful, letting me know exactly how she currently felt about her estranged band members.

Suddenly, Tokiwa pushed open the entryway door to see me and Mio casually conversing.

“Wait, do you two know each other?” she inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“She was one of the members of that percussion group we performed with a few months ago,” Mio elaborated, stepping forward towards Tokiwa.

“Oh wow, small world,” she smiled, locking eyes with Mio.

“Gets smaller every day,” I pushed myself off of the bars, “Let’s eat before it gets cold.”

“You and Kanna go ahead and start, Akiyama-san and I are gonna go ahead and finish that project,” she relayed as we all headed in and she closed the door behind us.

I tilted my head at them as they pressed on down the hallway towards Tokiwa’s room and disappeared. Not even a moment later, Makino’s door swung open and she emerged.

“Just us? That usually happens when Akiyama-san comes over, except before it was just me.”

I did everything in my power to hold back my questions about the nature of their friendship, knowing that my call with Sara had put me in a weird headspace and anything I said from now until I slept it off could come off wrong. Shrugging everything off, I waltzed into our quaint kitchen and gathered my grub. Makino took the pot of miso and placed it on the kotatsu, setting out four smaller bowls for everyone.

“We don’t have cable, just a Roku,” she disclosed as she went back for her melt, “I dunno what you like to watch, so go ahead and put something on.”

“Gladly,” I took the remote and scrolled over to Hula, and searched for  _ Listowel _ , my favourite sitcom, being sure to turn on Japanese subtitles once I found it. That was my go-to pick whenever I didn’t know what to watch, and was a great way to gauge the humour of a new group. Plus, I didn’t really feel like thinking too hard after the events of today, so it was good for going brain-dead.

As Makino and I finished getting everything set up for our meal, we picked our preferred seats around the kotatsu and dug in, switching between munching and giggling at the absurdities on their acceptably-sized television. Even after agreeing with myself to try to kill my brain cells for the rest of the night, I couldn’t help but overthink everything that had happened so far. I hadn’t gotten the messages that Mugi had promised yet, but I got an overwhelming feeling that her favour would have something to do with the other members of HTT.

I always found myself getting involved in other people’s internal affairs, so I had hoped to mind my own business while in Japan, but, fuck I dunno. If I were given the chance to help a group of friends reunite, who would I be to turn it down? I recognised that there was no point in thought-mapping about it until I knew what was really going on, but I couldn’t hit the brakes.

“Makino, help me out,” I blurted out as the intro card rolled out, putting my chopsticks down, “Tell me about something.”

“I got a contract to help renovations on a studio in town,” she relayed, “It will be the first time I have a design position on any real-world construction project.”

“That’s great news, how’d you get that?”

“I did some repair work on the Chitanda Estate as an intern a few months back, and apparently they were impressed by my work in particular, so I guess I’m getting groomed to be a contractor in their new real estate business. I can’t complain, it helped us get this apartment.”

“I was wondering about you and Tokiwa’s connection to them,” I rested my chin in my hand as she spoke.

“The only real connection Mido-chan has to them is through classes with Chitanda Eru, the heiress. As a literature and dance student, she doesn’t have much connection to the business overall. Mainly just me.”

“I guess she owes you one for scoring this apartment then?”

She shifted her mouth to one side in contemplation, “I don’t really think of it that way. She was in a bad way mentally after school, so I helped her out where I could. That’s just how we are.”

“I think I get it,” I smiled, admiring her stand-up personality underneath the layers of goofiness she puts up. She definitely has a golden heart.

“I do get sad sometimes though,” she rested her elbows on the table and sunk down somewhat, “Especially when Akiyama-san comes over. Thanks for helping me drown out the sound, Reyna.”

Drown out the sound?

“No problem, Makino-san,” I replied warmly.

“Kanna is okay. We’re friends, officially now,” she said as she pretended to spit in her hand and extended it to me. I laughed at the action and took her hand.

After our exchange, we continued to quietly enjoy our meal and let our brains idle to the theme of the show. I was glad to know that I could depend on Kanna for normal, or at least nominal. I smiled to myself, thinking about how she reminded me of a low-key Alex. That familiarity helped me feel at ease, and made me realise I totally needed to call Alex after one of their shows sometime.

It was some time later when Mio and Tokiwa emerged from the room, a familiar odour radiating out and into the main room. I made a mental note to grab my Rebreeze bottle later and spray down what I could. Their silence as they approached struck me as particularly strange. I elected to disrupt the odd atmosphere.

“We set out some bowls for you two, and there’s burgers with onions in the kitchen,” I proclaimed, realising I wasn’t in the loop on if Mio joined them for dinner when she was over.

“I appreciate it, but I should get home,” Mio expressed, assuming the same stoic stance from during our conversation outside. Something had felt different about her from earlier, but she seemed particularly distant now.

“Get home safe,” Tokiwa mumbled, her right hand attached to her left arm, closing off her posture. I examined the both of them, taking note of the distance.

“Thank you. See you later, and nice to see you again too, Reyna.”

My brows furrowed at her gaze remaining down and out, “Yeah, you too.”

The apartment was strangely solemn until Mio had evacuated and the clicking of her shoes was no longer audible. Kanna’s eyes met with Tokiwa’s, which had begun to well up. Kanna promptly raised from her seat and rushed over to Tokiwa, taking her into an embrace, at which the tears began to flow. I began theorising based on all of the evidence, but knew it wasn’t my place to ask any questions. Based on Kanna’s reaction, I got the notion that an event like this had happened before, which made me feel even worse.

“She called me Ritsu,” Tokiwa gasped through her tears, “It was never about me.”

“Don’t say that, Mido-chan. It was probably just a mistake,” Kanna consoled her, the pain in her eyes nearly overshadowing Tokiwa’s.

“I thought it was different this time, but we were both just using each other,” she continued as she and Kanna made their way to their knees, “Why can’t I get over myself, Kanna? It’s been two years!”

I realised how awkward it was that I was just sitting there watching them, and rose up and started towards the kitchen to grab a drink before I got too many flashbacks. As I passed them, Kanna grabbed my leg and stopped me.

“Get the shochu, please,” she asked, letting go and attempting to move Tokiwa over to the couches. I nodded, moving with a purpose.

I couldn’t shake the notion that what just happened between Tokiwa and Mio would be a glimpse of things to come when I met up with Mugi tomorrow. I became consumed with anxiety, but kept it to myself, because it wasn’t about that right now. My current duty was to help Kanna calm Tokiwa down. For now, that’s all I could do.


	4. The Innocence Of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> The Innocence Of by Royal Coda
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

I was really not in the mood to meet anyone else today.

My bitter mood from the call with Sara had somehow only gotten worse through the night. Kanna and I had been up to nearly fucking midnight trying to cheer Midori up. I even ended up having to go get more alcohol, so we were all wickedly hungover. Experiencing Midori’s hang-up and connecting the dots between Mio and Ritsu was all too goddamn familiar, so it all just kept going down the hatch. Hopefully these neighbours wouldn’t be too difficult like Kanna had warned.

I made sure to make it another early morning just in case, since the actual tenant was apparently a day-job kind of woman. Hopefully I’d get her and not the maid. 

The Richter-scale pounding in my head made going down the steps feel more like descending a mountain, so I was thankful that they were only a flight down. As I approached their door, I put my game face on and prepared myself for mimicking Japanese hospitality.

Three knocks, and some skittering on the other side of the door made way for the door swinging open and revealing a pipsqueak. She couldn’t have been anything more than a late elementary school girl, but she put down a very unusual vibe with her snowy white hair, shining sapphire eyes, and overly frilly lolita dress. 

“Kobayashi-san! There’s a stranger at the door,” she called back into the apartment, with a sequence of footsteps making their way up behind her.

As the tenant approached, I got a much more down-to-earth vibe. She was a bespectacled, red-haired adult with the eyes of someone who worked a monotonous desk job and still somehow enjoyed it from time to time.

“Good morning,” she bowed.

“Good morning, nice to meet you,” I returned the courtesy.

“You must be Tokiwa-san and Makino-san’s new roommate, right? They let me know you’d probably need to write some times on the noise sheet,” she got to the point, pulling out the papers from a file sorter next to the door.

“Yes, please,” I extended my hand to her, taking the sheets and flipping through to look for any vacancies in the hours after my classes.

“I’ll need to practice music during these times. It might not be too loud, but I’m not sure how the acoustics of the apartment complex could affect you,” I expressed as I pointed out two times in the afternoon.

“Thank you for the consideration. That’s actually a pretty good time for everyone, so there shouldn’t be any problems.”

A rush of footsteps overtook our exchange, “Can you play any romantic ballads? I would be willing to pay for your services.”

As she emerged from behind the tenant, the infamous maid revealed herself. She appeared to be a well-endowed half-blonde with a cosplay mixup between a poor maid cosplay and an anthropomorphised dragon. Definitely saw where Makino could’ve been coming from.

“With what money, Tohru? Please don’t mind her,” the tenant brushed the maid off, “Anyways, thanks for stopping by. If you, Tokiwa-san, or Makino-san need anything else, just let us know.”

“Thank you, uh…”

“Kobayashi,” she stated with a small courtesy smile.

“Reyna Marten. Thank you, see you around.”

After wrapping up, I began my treacherous journey back up the steps to get ready for the day. I planned on visiting Oumae and Reina again in the music building if they were there to discuss the possibilities of a brass ensemble, and I knew Reina would give me shit if she realised I was hungover. It would be a tough task to mask it, but I’d done harder.

————————————————————

_You remind me of her._

_She degrades herself._

_You remind me of her._

_Cut it out of yourself, cut it out! cut it out!_

_Omit the things that you hate, cut it out! cut it out!_

_I detest this thought, just this thought._

_I never mentioned this before._

I paused the music, feeling especially displeased at how it mocked me. My thoughts bounced erratically between the mental threads I’d been subconsciously drawing between the struggles of Mio and Ritsu, and my own struggles back home. If Mio was doing what I thought she was, then I don’t think I’d be able to help her at all, considering I’ve been doing the same thing for years.

Just as I began to recall her words, I spotted Mugi down the street from me, buying a croquette on her way to the university. I knew I should talk to her and ask her about what she needs, but I had an overwhelming feeling that I already knew, and I wouldn’t like it. Against my better judgement, I pressed on, putting my trajectory on a collision course.

As I crossed the street, my foot caught on the curb, sending me to the ground at full speed. Just as I thought I was about to make contact, my “the show must go on” instinct kicked in and I rolled myself back up to my feet. Instant clapping ensued from the vendors on either side of the street, to which I bowed, with Mugi quickly scurrying over.

“Reyna-chan, are you okay? That was almost really bad,” she orbited around me, inspecting for and scrapes or bruises.

“Have faith in me, Mugi-chan,” I puffed my chest irreverently, desperately trying to mask my negative vibes from her adorable examination.

She was taken aback for a moment by me continuing to use the affectionate honorific, then she happily beamed, “Of course, but you must be more careful! You’re not allowed to get injured, not yet.”

“Not yet? When am I allowed to get injured then?”

“Well, hopefully never, but I specifically need you today,” she began walking off, motioning for me to join her, “I do apologise for never messaging you about that favour I needed, I got, uh, tied up at work! Yeah…”

She caught me raising an eyebrow at her, to which she bashfully receded into herself for a moment.

“What is the favour,” I inquired, wanting to be done with it already but promising to myself to at least hear her out.

“Well, I don’t think I can tell you just yet. I think it would be better if I showed you. You’re not busy after your classes today, are you?”

“I should be practicing my composition and my horn tonight, I haven’t played in a couple weeks, not to mention that I need to catch up on all the lectures I’ve missed so far,” I droned on, thinking up excuses.

Before I could continue, I noticed her utilising a powerful weapon I wasn’t aware that she had access to: puppy dog eyes. I felt my face flush and my body recoil at that notion of my embarrassment. After a moment of reconvening my forces after that brutal attack, I nervously adjusted my hat.

“I guess I’m not busy.”

“Wonderful!” she exclaimed, clasping my hand in between hers, causing me to turn even more red, “I promise it’s very important. I know you’ll want to help!”

“Yeah, yeah, just please keep it down. We went heavy on the shochu last night.”

“Oh,” she whispered, her posture shrinking with her voice, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell.”

“Years of practice, Mugi-tan. Mugi-chan, excuse me.”

Her eyes expanded to the size of moons, and a rosy blush overcame her cheeks, “I think I like the first one more.”

“It was a mistake,” I pulled my hat down and set my sights on the ground. Christ, it’s too early to assault a lesbian with such mass amounts of moe.

“A good mistake, please make it again sometime,” she kindly smiled, assuming a more comfortable distance to my left.

“No promises,” I grumbled and slouched into my backpack.

I felt her playfully pouting without even having to look at her. Fortunately, I didn’t have to ignore it for very long, as we came up on the campus. She followed me like a puppy as I made a beeline for the music complex, contentedly munching away on her croquette and inadvertently reminding me that I had forgotten to grab a bite before I left the apartment.

As I marched my way down to band hall two, Mugi and I split off midway through the hallway of practice rooms, and I continued alone into the room of the brass duet. I ended up walking in on Oumae and Reina quietly conversing with their instruments in their laps and Reina’s right hand on a metronome. As the doors opened and I was revealed, they both immediately paused to look over to me.

“Pardon the intrusion, am I interrupting something?”

“Did you drink last night?” Reina interrogated, squinting her eyes at me and earning a recoil from Oumae.

“What the fu— how could you tell immediately?” I breathed into my hand and sniffed, detecting nothing.

“Your eyes dilate when you’re drunk or hungover, and it’s especially pronounced thanks to your heterochromia. I first noticed it on the bus,” she straight-armed me out of bounds.

“Woah, your eyes are different colours,” Oumae chimed in, leaning forward towards me, “It’s cute, like a cat.”

“It’s not cute, it’s badass,” I pouted. I guess it’s ‘tease Reyna day’ and I missed the memo.

“What happened last night?” Reina continued her interrogation, pointing to a spare chair in the corner.

I obeyed and grabbed the chair as I walked and talked, “Why did something have to happen? Can’t a girl just drink for fun?”

“Not when it’s only your second night in a foreign country. Doesn’t line up to me.”

“Why do you have to have me so dialed in,” I lamented, plopping in the backwards chair and hanging my chin and arms off of the back, “Akiyama Mio came over to hang out with one of my roommates. I think they fucked and Mio accidentally called her Ritsu.”

Oumae became flushed at the mention of intercourse, but Reina pressed on, “I didn’t peg her as the promiscuous type. That makes me even more worried.”

“You and me both,” I sighed, pulling my hat over my eyes, “This all gives me a damn headache.”

“Well, if I may interrupt,” Oumae started, “Earlier, Reina and I were talking about trying again with setting up a bigger ensemble. We don’t know where we’re gonna get the people, but as fun as the duet is, we both need more. Would you be interested in covering the tuba part?”

“Only if you can get more people, I’m no good and small ensemble tuba parts. Too many notes,” I expressed, pushing my hat back up.

“Getting enough decent people to form any kind of wind ensemble is gonna be tough, considering all of the talent switched majors or jumped ship when Niiyama-sensei did,” Reina elaborated, leaning back in her chair in frustration and contemplation.

_“I have an idea, if I may.”_

Our unified attention redirected to the crack in the double doors where the voice originated. Mugi timidly stood halfway in, but gathered her courage to cross the threshold, despite Reina’s suspicious glare. She anxiously shifted in her shoes, doing her damnedest to pitch her idea.

“Let’s form a jazz combo, with you three and Houkago Tea Time!” she exclaimed, her confidently furrowed eyebrows conflicting with her sheepish stance.

“Why would we do that? How could we do that? I thought Houkago Tea Time broke up,” Reina retorted, letting herself get heated.

“Because Reyna-chan is gonna help me get the band back together!”

My sudden recoil at her claim shifted my balance enough to bring my chair down, and me along with it. Everyone began rushing to my aid, but I let myself apathetically lie there.

God, damn it.

————————————————————

_“You got roped into bringin’ Houkago Tea Time back together? Reyna, it’s only your third day away. I thought you said you’d be stayin’ out of trouble,”_ Mia’s words stung significantly more than she intended, making me want to bang my head against the wall.

“I really, _really_ want to just turn the idea down, but—”

_“— The girl askin’ you to help is the cute, blonde one, ain’t it?”_

“Yeah, it’s the fucking cute, blonde one. I can’t help but hear her out when I’m around her, but she crossed a line. Making Reina think that I had agreed to it right after I told her not to worry about me,” I angrily slammed my bento shut, receiving a couple questionable glances.

_“Don’t jump to the conclusion that she knew she would be throwin’ you under the bus. She prolly just wanted to keep the opportunity open.”_

“Why are you taking her side? You’re just gonna make it that much harder,” I huffed, jumping up to my feet and pacing.

_“I ain’t takin’ anyone’s side, Reyna. You know me, I always try to look at all sides of the issue. You did too, before you and Olivia got back together, just to break up again.”_

I slammed my hand into my face, knocking my hat back an inch or two, “Please don’t bring that up right now. We didn’t even get back together, or break up for that matter. Ugh, I just needed to vent, not get lectured.”

_“You don’t have to ask for my advice, it comes free.”_

“Unsubscribe,” I sighed as I plopped back down next to my backpack, “Well? What do you think? Should I keep hearing her out or should I cover my own ass?”

_“I thought you didn’t want my opinion_ , _”_ her smugness practically burst through my phone.

“I’m asking now, aren’t I?”

She sighed for a moment, gathering her thoughts, _“Look, it’s ultimately up to you, chief. If you don’t want to, don’t. This is your year away, and if you don’t want to spend it navigatin’ drama, that’s your call, boss. But, if it were me, I would help them out. They’re clearly hurtin’, and if Tsumugi thinks you can help, you should give it a shot. Might learn a thing or two about your own self.”_

I slid down into the bench, my shoes grinding against the pavement. She was probably right, but on the same coin, I had enough problems of my own at home. I should’ve cleaned up my own house before getting hired to clean someone else’s.

_“Well?”_

“I hate you.”

_“Love you too, Reyna. Guess you’re decided, then?”_

“Not yet,” I peered over to my right, overhearing a nearby conversation, “I want to hear what she has to say for herself. Thanks for hearing me out, Shields.”

_“Hope you find it in yourself to do the same for Tsumugi. Talk to you later, the corps is comin’ back for dinner.”_

“Give Alex and Carson hugs for me. Talk to you later.”

My phone hand collapsed into my lap, and I stared aimlessly into the overhang looming above. The conversation had calmed down, but I realised I recognised the voices engaging in it. I scrambled over to the corner, carefully peeking around.

“Look, Mugi, last night was a mistake. I’m really sorry for laying my problems in your lap like that again.”

“Like I said, I don’t mind it, Mio-chan. If that’s what you need, I’m here for you. You know that.”

I caught a glimpse of Mio and Mugi standing some distance away, just under the opposite overhang around the bend. Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately walked away and pretended like I didn’t hear a damn thing, but if Mugi wanted my help, I desperately needed more information. 

“That’s not the point, though. It’s wrong, and we both know it. I need to spend some time on myself, not running to you any time I mess up again,” Mio’s stoicism from last night had completely evaporated in Mugi’s presence, revealing a bashful, regretful girl.

“Mio-chan, please,” she clasped Mio’s left hand in both of hers, “If that’s how I’m needed, I’m fine with that. I just want to help you—”

“Don’t bend over backwards for me,” she ripped her hand away, using it to brush her disruption in her ponytail back and out, “Please respect yourself, and call me out when I’m not respecting you. If I need you in any way, it’s to do that.”

Mugi became despondent, her eyes finding their way to the ground and quivering. Mio realised her harshness and did everything in her power to not console her wounded friend. Is friend even accurate now?

“I’ll talk to you later, Mugi. Take care of yourself.”

Mio strolled off towards the back of campus, leaving Mugi standing there by herself. She made attempts to wipe the beginnings of her tears away, but they kept flowing in spite of her. I retreated back around the corner, calculating my next move. She may have made a dick move earlier, but there’s no way I could prod the issue after watching that. I elected to equip my backpack and wander over in her general direction.

As I rounded the building to the scene of the incident, she brought herself down to the ground and pressed her face into her knees, trying to hide her emotions from the common area of campus. Goddamn if that didn’t ring any bells.

“Mugi-chan, are you okay?” I sauntered up, playing dumb.

“How much did you see?” she called me out, her face not moving from its burrow.

I set my backpack down by the pillar and planted myself a respectable distance to her, “Not much, just that you and Mio-san were talking and you started crying.”

“Promise?”

I stayed silent, not allowing the lie to go that far.

She scooted over to me and laid her head on my shoulder, assuming a very reminiscent position. In a gay panic, I awkwardly brought my arm around to pat her head, knowing only that if I were in her position, that would calm me down.

“I didn’t get caught up at work last night,” she mumbled through her hopeless efforts to stop her weeping.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I diffused. I’d be lying again if I said I wasn’t curious, but it was none of my business until further notice.

She took a moment to let herself sob it out, putting my hand back in place when I stopped patting her head. The amount of judgemental looks we were getting from other students was enough to give anyone social anxiety, but I frankly didn’t give a fuck at the moment.

After she had regained her composure, I helped her up off the ground, “So, you said it would be better if you showed me, right? Where are we going?”

“You still want to help, even after what I did earlier?” she whimpered, her eyes twinkling at me.

“That _was_ kinda rude, maybe you’re right,” I sarcastically remarked, flicking my head around and crossing my arms.

“I sincerely apologise, Reyna-chan! I just didn’t want you guys to form a new group before I could tell you about my idea.”

Fuck Mia, for being right.

“Apology accepted,” I turned back around and gave her an affectionate smile. She returned it, with interest.

“We need to go to Shiga, then be back by twenty for a small gig in Kyoto,” she whipped out her phone and began swiping, “The next train to Shiga is pretty soon, so we’ll have to hurry.”

“Is there a motorcycle rental anywhere around here?”

She tilted her head at me, “Why are you asking about a motorcycle rental?”

“If you want to get there fast, a bike will likely be faster, and it just so happens that I got my motorcycle license approved internationally before I left,” I proudly grinned, awaiting my applause.

“Can you even do that?”

I insecurely ran my fingers through my ponytail, “I had some help from Pops.”

“I’m not sure how much faster it’ll really be, but,” her arms unconsciously bunched up in front of her chest, her nails to her mouth, “It sounds really fun! Scary, but fun!”

“I’ll need your help with getting us helmets,” I admitted, starting off towards the front of campus, “As long as we both have helmets and jackets, we’re decently safe.”

“That’s not very assuring, Reyna-chan,” she giggled as she strode over to walk with me.

“Have faith in me, Mugi-tan.”

“Was that one a mistake?”

“I’m not telling.”

Fuck Mia for being right. I made a mental note to kick her ass first thing when I got home. It’ll be the least punishment she deserves for convincing me to go through with this. Still, just because I was about to get myself involved in the machinations of literal pop stars didn’t mean I wasn’t going to enjoy myself where I could.

————————————————————

“Right over here looks good. Her house is down the street a bit, but this is probably the closest parking area,” Mugi’s muffled voice advised.

“Roger that,” I replied as I rounded into the aforementioned parking zone, slowly pulling forward into the nearest corner spot. Once I was comfortable with our landing, I kicked down the stand, shutting down the bike. I felt Mugi’s boobs detach from my back as she dismounted, sending a shiver up my spine. I found myself partly wishing we had a bit more distance to drive so she could put them back. I waited to take off my helmet until the heat in my cheeks fucked off.

“You okay?” I asked backwards, pulling off my helmet and flicking the sweat out of my hair like a soaked dog. I turned around to her to see her knees knocking and her helmet to her stomach. I giggled in appreciation of her coming down from her apparent adrenaline high.

“Th-that was wonderful. Like a rollercoaster,” she quivered, opening up the detachable trunk and trading the mask for her school bag.

“First time is the best time,” I laughed, swinging my leg around and connecting it to the ground, throwing my mask into the trunk with Mugi’s.

“That’s what she said!” she blurted out, letting out a heavy, satisfied sigh, “I’ve always dreamed of saying that joke.”

“Unfortunately, the first time is the worst time in that context,” I retorted, removing the key from the ignition, pocketing it, then pulling my new vape out.

“How would you know?” she gasped, then blushed with a suggestive flat hand to her mouth, “Are you promiscuous, Reyna-chan?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older, Mugi-tan,” I chuckled, biting the vape and clicking the button. I noticed her eyes trained on the device, looking both simultaneously surprised and interested.

“I quit a few months before I left,” I stated, sighing out the first puff, “But it calms my nerves when I’m stressed. Even if it really is bad for you, I’d rather die early than live stressed.”

“I can’t say I agree with that logic,” she responded, circling around to my side of the motorcycle, “But we all have our vices.”

“Kotobuki Tsumugi, waxing philosophical,” I fondly smiled as I nearly tore my jacket off upon realising the heat and fanned the back of my shirt out in an attempt to dry the sweat away.

“I think I might like to try, but not today,” she expressed, also removing her jacket, gingerly folding it and placing it in the trunk. Upon seeing her care, I mimicked her and folded mine. Once the trunk was fully packed, I sealed it and strolled over to the sidewalk, scanning down the street for the destination.

Mugi pointed out the specific building, “It’s the one on the end.” I nodded in affirmation and we stepped off down the street towards the Hirasawa household.

“So,” I uncomfortably began, “How has she changed since the Finals performance? It seems like everyone has except you.”

“We all have our own scars from it,” she lamented, clasping her bag with two hands behind her back, “Yui-chan took everything the hardest, considering the worst of it happened directly to her.”

“Ui-san?”

Mugi refused to respond to that question, her unease giving some credence to my original thoughts on what might have happened. I sadly sighed, not wanting to be right.

“She didn’t come with us to Yamada as a result,” Mugi pressed on, “The circumstances made her feel as if she had a duty back here in Sakura. Not that Mio-chan and Ricchan miss her. Well, that’s probably unfair to say, but I’m the only out of the three of us that’s made an effort to visit her from time to time.”

“I’m getting the feeling that what happened to Ui-san wasn’t the only reason HTT broke up, is it?”

She apprehensively adjusted the straps of her pinafore skirt, “It wasn’t. Some other things happened. I’d rather not speak of it. My apologies.”

“I’m guessing I’ll find out eventually,” I rolled my eyes, both wanting to have all of the info and wanting to respect her boundaries. This would all be so much easier if I knew what was going on, but she’s clearly regretful about something.

As we closed in on Yui’s home, a small girl wearing an HTT shirt came into view, coming down an intersecting street. Her black twintails nearly reached her thighs, trying their damnedest to tangle in the straps of her guitar’s case. I tilted my head at this development, looking to Mugi for her reaction. However, her eyes were still downcast from the preceding talk. Instead, the girl noticed us first, then familiarly smiled at Mugi.

“Mugi-senpai, wait, Mugi-chan?” she called over, confusing herself. The sound of the voice broke Mugi’s trance, her gaze shooting up to find the origin. Upon making eye contact, her face lit up and she made a beeline for the tiny guitarist.

“Azusa-chan! How are you doing? It’s been a while,” Mugi glomped the girl, with her reluctantly returning the hug.

“I’m okay, university isn’t as bad as Yui said it would be,” she replied, patting out her outfit after the hug, “Who’s this with you?”

“This is Reyna-chan, she’s a friend of mine from college,” she presented.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Reyna Marten,” I bowed, feeling the need to bow further than usual on account of her height.

“Nice to meet you as well, I’m Nakano Azusa. I was in Houkago Tea Time when we were all in high school together.”

Ah, so she was who called Yui that night.

“Were you two on your way to visit Yui?” she inquired, turning to Mugi.

“Yes, Ui-chan as well.”

“Ui is there, but Yui will be a bit. She just got off her morning shift,” she relayed, motioning to continue towards the house.

“That’s good news,” Mugi replied as we continued down the sidewalk, “I feared that we might have come at a bad time. How is Ui-chan doing?”

“Better and better,” Nakano assured, grabbing her straps to relieve her back, “She’s taking to the rehabilitation really well, Ishida-san is a huge help. Jun and I have been taking turns helping her there while Yui works.”

“That’s really good to hear, thank you for helping out,” Mugi gushed, smiling proudly on her former kouhai.

“I wish I could help out more, but the commute is really hard. I’m really thankful for Jun helping out as well.”

I thought back to two years ago, when Sara found herself in a very similar situation, having to rely on Pops and I to get from place to place. I had an increasing feeling that I was gonna have a rough time repressing those memories when I saw the state Ui was in.

“Do you know if their parents are home?” Mugi asked as we made our final approach.

“I doubt it, they’ve been working late as well to pay off the medical bills,” Nakano relayed, knocking on the door, “We’re coming in, pardon the intrusion.”

The interior stretched out, displaying that the Hirasawa’s being strapped for cash was a recent development. The overall cleanliness of the living room would’ve been stock in any other household, but I found it somewhat unnerving in these circumstances, especially considering the lone chrysanthemums in vases atop the living room table. 

After we removed our shoes and the others placed their things around the entryway, we pressed on, up the stairs and into the hallway of the individual rooms. The chairlift at the top of the stairs struck a very uncomfortable chord with me.

“Reyna-chan, go ahead and wait in the living room, please,” Mugi stated. I wished she would’ve said so before we went up the stairs. I nodded and headed down, finding a seat amongst the couches. The conversations at the peak of the staircase became increasingly muffled as they went into the room to talk with Ui. I sighed with anticipation as I pulled out my phone and looked through my notifications. A message from Alex was the first to catch my eye.

_The Denver free day is comin up, won’t be any fun w/o u_

I smiled at the notion that I was actually being missed.

_Lmk when I can call u then. I dunno why, but I miss ur dumb voice_

After sending the message, I continued down my lock screen, seeing a message from Carson.

_You should get in touch with Kairi Sano. Wasn’t she from Kyoto?_

I had no idea why I had completely fucking forgotten that I was gonna meet up with Sano when I got to Japan. The memories of teaching her vulgar phrases on the bus last season flooded back, and I had to hold back the laughter. I couldn’t wait to be able to have a real conversation with her now that I could speak Japanese.

As I started typing my reply, various clicking sounds resonated out from the front door. After a few moments of supposed fumbling, Yui appeared from behind the door. Gone were her days as the band ditz, her exhausted posture and her formal uniform informed me as much. The rocker’s soul still found its way out in the form of her cherry blossom hair dye and rouge criss-cross hairpins.

“I’m hooome,” her fatigued greeting echoed throughout the house, “Huh? Reyna-chan? How’d you get from America to my house?”

Before I had the chance to respond, Mugi called out as she rushed down the steps, “She came with me, Yui-chan.”

“Mugi-chan, hey,” Yui sighed, lazily hugging her blonde friend, “Is she going to Yamada with you guys now? That’s neat.”

“Oh, you must be exhausted. Take a seat, I’ll put on some tea,” Mugi pranced over to the kitchen.

Yui groaned in reply, practically throwing herself onto the couch as she unbuttoned her collar and adjusted to allow herself to lay her head back on the top of the couch.

“I like the hair,” I awkwardly complimented, feeling the need to sit up in my seat. She almost reminded me of when Pops came home after a trip. Having to work away thousands in medical bills and her lax persona obviously clashed, hard.

“Thank you, yours is cooler though,” she returned the favour, barely moving a muscle even through her words. 

As we sat in silence, a mechanical whirring began from the second floor. The noise gave way to what I had feared: on the chairlift sat a younger version of Yui, with the variation of one of her legs missing at the knee and the other in a full cast, clad in signatures and doodles. Nakano accompanied her, slowly descending the steps by her side. I made my very best effort to hold back my tears, my mind overcoming me with flashbacks of that night when I got home from tour to see Sara, legless. I immediately identified with Yui on a deeper level than she’d probably ever know.

“Onee-chan, how was work?” Ui asked, her paper-thin voice contrasting Yui’s earlier tones, further differentiating them.

“Tachibana-sama yelled at me again,” she recounted, raising her head to look upon her sister and warmly smile, “I have a night shift at the office in three hours, hopefully that goes better.”

“I hope so too,” she relayed, turning her attention to me as Nakano helped her to the couch, “Nice to meet you, I’m Hirasawa Ui. Mugi-chan told me you’re a friend from college.”

“I hope so. Reyna Marten, call me Reyna,” I returned her greeting, having subdued my initial reaction.

“Your eyes are very pretty, do you have a contact in?”

“No, they’re just different colours.”

“Oh, that’s cool. Like a cat?”

I internally sighed to sate my urge to externally do so, brushing it off with a polite laugh, “I get that a lot.”

“So, Reyna-chan,” Yui began, regaining her energy little by little, “How come you and Mugi are here today?”

“You’d have to ask her,” I waved my hand, “I’m just the driver. It is nice to see you again, though.”

“I’m happy you think so, I was really worried you wouldn’t want to see us ever again after that bus trip.”

I see her emotional intelligence grew up as well.

“To be honest, I _was_ worried, but Mugi-chan has put most of those concerns to bed,” I lied for courtesy’s sake, crossing my left leg over my right in an accidental outward expression of the fib.

As Yui breathed in to continue, she was distracted by Mugi coming around the corner with a platter of teacups. She then proceeded to provide everyone at the couches with their own teacup and accompanying coaster.

“I missed your tea, Mugi,” Nakano stated, having a short sip.

“Not as much as I miss making it for everyone,” she lightly mourned, taking a seat between myself and Yui.

“Is that what this is about, Mugi-chan?” Yui questioned, quickly twisting the tranquil atmosphere.

Mugi winced at the ulterior tones in that question, “Would you be displeased if it was?”

“As much as I miss everyone,” Yui’s exhaustion channelled into hostility, “You all left me. I’ve forgiven _you_ since you’ve been coming back around, but I needed everyone’s help then, and you three stayed in the band even after I had to leave. It hurt really, really bad when you made that song without me.”

“If we could go back, Yui-chan, I’m sure we would in a heartbeat,” Mugi emphasised, putting her tea down, “But we all were scared. The record company wasn’t going to let us all go without serious difficulty. You got away because you had a reason. They wouldn’t have seen it that way with us.”

“Guys, please,” Nakano pleaded, leaning forward.

Yui lifted an annoyed hand to Azusa, “So I’m guessing you want to get the band back together now? Has Ritsu said a word to you since she found out what you and Mio did?”

“Yui-chan,” Mugi’s eyes began to well up, again.

Oh, fuck it.

“Please!” I blurted out, shooting to my feet and bowing ninety degrees, “I admit, I don’t know everything that happened, but Mugi-chan asked me to try to help you guys get back together. I know it’s asking a lot after what you’ve been through, but at least try?”

The entire room went silent after my outburst. I could feel everyone’s eyes trained on me. I held my pose, hoping my humility could help my case.

“You don’t know, Reyna-chan,” Yui commented.

“My sister was in an accident, too,” I resumed, my own tears began flowing, “I didn’t have the courage to leave tour when it happened, like you did. I couldn’t tell you which would’ve been harder, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to see you push away your friends because of it, like I did. Please Yui. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’ve gotten to know Mugi-chan, and I can tell that she really wants this. Not just for herself, but for everyone.”

I wiped my eyes as I sat down, wondering to myself why I felt so compelled to say all of that. When I glanced over to Mugi’s thankful smile, I began to understand.

“I don’t know,” she sighed, throwing her cheek in her hand, “I need to think about it.”

That was enough for me. At least for right now. We all awkwardly picked up our teacups and took some drinks, our unified attention either on Yui or on the ground. If I was gonna help, I’d probably have to embarrass myself for their sake again and again. I shuddered at the thought, but if I could do some good here, I was willing to try.


	5. Goliath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Asphyxia by Cö shu Nie  
> Goliath by Woodkid  
> Put It Straight (Nightmare) by (G)I-DLE
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains sexual verbiage that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

_————————————————————_

_ Sano Kairi Doesn’t Care _

_————————————————————_

_And then she just goes and gets drunk again, as if that wasn’t the cause of the issue. I swear, Reyna doesn’t use her brain sometimes_

I’ve always enjoyed these text conversations with Olivia as a guilty pleasure. I’m pretty sure the only reason I was her confidant was because I lived half a planet away and we were tour buddies a year ago, but I enjoyed letting her vent anyways. Learning about other people’s shit shows helped me distract myself from my own shit show.

“Sano-san, what do you think?”

Case and point.

“I’m sorry, one more time?”

Ritsu cleared her throat before repeating herself, “We’re trying to decide what songs to drop now that Yui is gone. Thought you should have a say in what guitar parts you will and won’t play.”

“As long as I don’t have to sing anything but back up vocals,” I leaned back, throwing my feet up in the booth space between Mio and Ritsu, “I don’t really care either way. I can play whatever you guys need.”

“Well, um, there are a few improvisational sections that you’ll have to decide how to do on your own,” Tsumugi uncomfortably added, putting her fingers to her chin.

“Not to mention that Yui had been bottoming out some chords here and there to compensate for not having a second guitarist,” Mio relayed, “You might be able to listen back and pick those up, I doubt she wrote them in.”

I ran my fingers through my hair, re-sweeping my bangs away, “I’ll pass. Yui-san was a freestyle guitarist overall. Got it, got it, I’ll emulate that or whatever.”

Mio subtly grimaced at my words, then carried on, “I wish she would’ve given us more to work with. I mean, she left without writing any of this stuff down. Just left her binder.”

Ritsu gave Mio a cynical side-eye, “It’d be even better if she didn’t have to leave at all, but Ui-chan needs her. The best we can do is work with what we have.”

“Don’t make it sound so simple. Ui has her parents too. I can understand coming back to Japan and visiting her often, but violating the contract? That hurt us too.”

“You wouldn’t get it, Mio, you don’t have a younger sibling.”

Mio recoiled at that dismissal, then sighed it off, “Maybe you’re right. Still doesn’t feel right.”

“There’s not much of a point in talking about it if she won’t talk to us,” Tsumugi expressed with a tinge of sadness, “She’s there, and we're here. Thank you for sticking your neck out for us, Sano-san.”

I smirked, waving it away, “Don’t mention it. It’s a good opportunity for me, guess it’s unfortunate that it came at the cost of someone else.”

I turned my attention back to my phone, typing my response to Olivia.

_What are you gonna do abt it?_

“What should we do about the performance in Sakura? It will look strange doing a homecoming show without Yui-chan.”

“It was an optional gig, right?” Ritsu commented, crossing her arms on the table, “We should probably just cancel it and schedule something else for that day.”

_There’s not much I can do. We leave for Spring Training in a week. I can’t very well tell her not to drink before she gives it up for a month. Guess I’ll just keep an eye on her_

“Where are you from, Sano-san?” Tsumugi interrupted my reading, “Perhaps we could do a show in your hometown instead?”

“Nagoya,” I threw out the most convenient city name I could think of, continuing typing as I replied, “That’s on the current tour path, right?”

_How will u keep an eye on her in Japan?_

“That might upset the people that were planning on coming to the Sakura show,” Mio interjected, “That would be a bit of a drive.”

“Maybe we can talk to Hatta-sama about making the Sakura tickets redeemable for Nagoya,” Ritsu plotted, picking away at her French fries.

_Could u do it? If u can’t, that’s fine. You’ll both be in Kyoto tho, right?_

“That could work,” Tsumugi beamed, “That would certainly help get some extra attendance for a surprise Nagoya show, as well.”

“Only if Hatta-sama goes for it.”

“It’s your idea,” Mio lightly elbowed Ritsu above my resting feet, “You ask her.”

_What’s in it for me?_

Ritsu annoyedly groaned, stuffing a few more fries in her mouth before pulling out her phone and scrolling, “If she saysh no, I’m blaming you.”

“Whatever,” Mio teased, affectionately throwing her head onto Ritsu’s shoulder. I quickly retracted my feet, crossing them underneath the table.

“Have you been looking over the guitar parts, Sano-san,” Tsumugi inquired, her eyes curiously drifting towards my phone screen.

I promptly pulled my phone away, hoping she would get the message, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be good for the next show.”

_Maybe I’ll make it worth the trouble tonight :3_

I greedily grinned, eager for what she could’ve had in mind.

“Let’s get back to the studio and practice what we have,” Mio raised and shimmied out of the booth, “By then, we’ll most likely have an answer from Hatta-sama.”

Ritsu nodded as she seized her large drink and shook to measure its remaining contents, “Sounds good to me.”

As Tsumugi and I slid out of our side, I realised how disinterested I had become with my new disposition. Yeah, at first it was great to be the new guitarist for a world-famous pop band, but they had a lot more going on backstage than I was led to believe when I signed the contract. How much was I going to be compared to Hirasawa Yui, I wondered.

Oh well, things will get way more fun when Reyna gets to Japan in a month or two. She always managed to get herself into trouble, and that sounded like just what I needed.

_————————————————————_

_Goliath_

_————————————————————_

“So where exactly are we going,” Reina asked, her skepticism seeping through her words.

“It’s at this local theatre down the street. We’ve gotta hurry, they should be starting in about five minutes,” I commanded, heading our pack of three by a meter or two.

“And why couldn’t Kotobuki-san come again?” Kumiko inquired, taking hold of Reina’s right arm. God they’re so cute together I could puke.

I pondered for a moment, trying to recall Mugi’s exact words, “She said that Ritsu and her aren’t on speaking terms at the moment, so if we wanted to make any headway, we’d have to go without her.”

“This is a terrible idea,” Reina scoffed, rolling her eyes across the street, “They broke up for a reason, Reyna. We should let sleeping dogs lie.”

“This _is_ a terrible idea,” I echoed her with proper emphasis, “But Mugi-chan is my little buddy now, and she asked for my help, so I’m gonna help her.”

Reina paused to give Kumiko a forehead kiss before she continued her criticism, “Since when? It’s Tuesday, you got here on Sunday. Don’t you think you’re moving a little too fast?”

“Life’s too short, Reina,” I retorted, irreverently crossing my arms behind my back, “If I move at breakneck speed I _could_ trip and break my neck, but would that be so bad?”

“That’s dark, Rey-san,” Kumiko added.

“Don’t worry, I only kind of meant it.”

I wasn’t sure what had come over me since that conversation with Yui a few hours ago, but whichever version of Reyna had the reins at the moment didn’t feel like sharing. Whether it was a defense mechanism that had erected itself after the terrifyingly familiar sights of the Hirasawa household, or an adrenaline high caused by Mugi’s thankful smile, I wasn’t sure, but there was no stopping Mugi’s plan now. I’m just along for the ride.

“You seem tense,” Reina stated, repeating her observations from any time right before shit hit the fan during the indoor season.

“No tension here, not even a little bit,” I deflected, over-dramatically pulling open the double doors to the theatre.

The lobby was packed with lines of fans on either side trying to stuff themselves through the undersized doors into the theatre proper. Before us stood a lone, smaller female with a mousy blonde, almost lilac bob cut and soulless brown eyes, looking just about as imposing as that sounded.

“Tickets, please,” she droned in a manner so monotone, it could put Kanna or Oreki to shame.

Before I could even fully extend the tickets to her, she had already taken them, punched a central hole in all three, and returned them to my confused hand.

“Please make your way into the theatre and enjoy the performance,” she concluded, her eyes leaving us and gazing thousands of yards away, past the doors and into oblivion.

The three of us awkwardly slinked away, joining the left line. I checked my watch incessantly, beginning to get anxious about the performance starting before we could make it in.

“I thought we were coming for the backstage talk with Ritsu after,” Kumiko chimed in upon noticing my rising anxiety.

“If we’re gonna be at a concert, may as well get our money’s worth,” I replied, resisting the urge to start shoving.

“Fair enough.”

Just as my watch flicked to twenty, the sardines lurched forward, giving us the opportunity to slip in and bear witness to the curtains rising, revealing the band.

Up front stood a black pixie-bob cut with fake ear piercings and a midnight guitar. Slightly behind her was an Amazonian redhead with gentle eyes contrasting a tightly-gripped bass. In the back sat Ritsu on the drums, whose blue hair featuring a topknot struck me as a very similar evolution to Yui’s, and a familiar ivory mane and low-hanging corps necklace in Sano Kairi at the keyboard. I knew she could play damn near everything, but keyboard was news to me.

_Far out of sight, a prisoner of the night,_

_Hides a small child, taking a final breath._

After that sudden opening, Sano’s hands began flying across the keys, then slowly pushing some keys on a synth pad on the end, giving an electric crescendo for the rest of the band to thunder in, earning a roar of hype from the audience. The intro cacophony screamed on for a moment until it led into a fade back down into another lull.

_Struggling to fill your lungs,_

_You'll suffocate within this world you hate,_

_And there is nothing that you can do._

_Some things you just can't change,_

_OPEN YOUR EYES._

**** _Sinking deeper,_

_Fading with the setting sun,_

_This is my reality._

I let myself get overtaken by their performance, going completely still and just absorbing the music. My internal dialogue, however, continued hyper-actively bounding around my skull, thinking about how much more complicated this fiasco could become with Sano’s inclusion. Sure, the familiarity with someone not from just the past few months or few days could help, but it could complicate things just as much, if not more.

While communicating with Sano last season at the Outriders was difficult on account of how little English she could actually speak, she had occupied an important part of our friend group then. Sure, she was our little, essentially mute buddy, but she understood significantly more than she could say, meaning she could know everything about anything I did back then, including the drama with Olivia and Erin. 

Fucking hell, I didn’t want to remember any of that, much less have Reina or Kumiko know about it.

As I brought myself back to reality, my phone began violently vibrating. The caller was a number I didn’t recognise, but it was a Japanese format, so I elected to answer it. Without any ado, I backed up and out of the theatre, answered, and put the phone to my ear.

“Speaking, speaking, this is Reyna Marten.”

_“Reyna-chan,”_ a familiar, tired bubblegum voice echoed through the speaker into my mind, _“It’s Yui. I thought about what you and Mugi-chan proposed earlier.”_

“Wait, how’d you get my number?”

_“I asked Mugi-chan for it so I could call you right now.”_

“Yeah? Alright, what’s the scoop?”

_“I won’t agree to anything until we’ve talked things out. If you can get Ricchan and Mio-chan to agree to talking it out, I’ll come too, then we’ll see from there.”_

“That’s perfectly reasonable, I can get behind that logic,” I proudly grinned, wondering if my words had induced this change in spirit.

_“Ui-chan and I will be in Kyoto on Friday for her rehabilitation with Ishida-san. I’ll send you the address, and we can talk more about it.”_

“How very official of you, Yui-chan.”

_“I’ve had to work on it,”_ she coughed, _“That’s all I’ve got, I’ll talk to you in three days.”_

“Got it, have a good night.”

_“You too.”_

The difference between modern Hirasawa Yui and the Hirasawa Yui I met earlier this year was still staggering. The simple fact of the situation was that this shitstorm hit her hard, and she let it change her. For better, or for worse, I wasn’t at liberty to conclude yet. In any case, the roaring audience and the absence of music led me to believe that the call had taken up the rest of the song, and the main band was about to take the stage.

“Reyna,” Reina waltzed out from around the doorway, “How are we getting backstage?”

“Hold on,” I replied, walking back into the theatre.

I scanned the stage, seeing that they were taking their victory bows. My window was closing. I cupped my hands to my mouth in preparation.

“RIDERS! ROLL OUT!”

Just as I expected, Sano’s eyes shot up from breaking down her keyboard to our general direction. I helped guide her eyes by raising a hand and waving. She caught my gesture, making eye contact. Then, her eyes widened, and she began beaming. I pointed to the lobby, to which she nodded, then resumed breaking down her station with noticeably more haste.

“What was that?” Kumiko inquired as we all strolled back out into the lobby, probably puzzled by my English shouting.

“I marched with the keyboardist last year,” I elaborated, flicking my necklace and instantly regretting it, “I knew if I shouted our corps’ chant at her, she’d notice.”

“That wasn’t always part of the plan, was it?” Reina playfully condescended.

“It wasn’t. I had no idea that Sano would be here, but it’s fortunate that she is, ‘cause I honestly had no plan for getting us back there.”

Reina rolled her eyes at my confession, to which I shamelessly winked. All a gal can do sometimes is admit she had no clue what she was doing, thus, I did.

Speaking of the devil, Sano burst through the entryway double doors and glomped me, indirectly reminding me how much bigger her tits were than mine.

_“Oh mai god, VQ! I mished you! How have you bean?”_ she adorably struggled through her English greeting.

“VQ?” Kumiko mumbled, her and Reina sharing a confused head-tilt.

“My summer nickname, I’ll explain some other time,” I chuckled, releasing the embrace, “It’s okay, Sano, I can speak Japanese now.”

“Thank god. Fuck, I hate trying to speak English. It’s so guttural and gross.”

“Tell me how you really feel.”

“Anyways, what brings you to the show tonight?”

I motioned to Kumiko and Reina, “Before that, this is Oumae Kumiko and Kousaka Reina. They’re friends I’ve made from Yamada University.”

“Nice to meet you,” they both said in near unison, freaking us out as well as each other.

Sano pressed an uncomfortable fist to her cheek, “Yamada, huh? I know some people that go there.”

“Odds are, those people are why we’re here.”

At that statement, Sano suspiciously tilted her head at me, in an eerily similar way to how she would when Liv and I would get into an argument around her. It struck me as equal parts innocent and malicious, reminding me that this wasn’t just the happy reunion that I would’ve liked it to be.

“I’m guessing you’re here to see Ritsu, then?” she questioned, leaning to one side.

“That we are. Would it be presumptuous of me to ask a favour?”

“Yes.”

We stood in an awkward silence for a hot second before she burst into laughter, “I’m kidding. Her and I were gonna go grab a bite after she’s done packing up her drums. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you three wanted to join us.”

“Perfect,” I sighed in relief, admittedly taken aback by Sano’s true colours, “Where at?”

“It’s this cosplay café back in Usagiyama, the food is surprisingly good. We’ll be a bit, you three should head over. We’ll catch up.”

“Got it, see you in a bit,” I smiled, spinning around to the opposite end of the street.

As we split off, I felt Reina’s apprehension radiate out, permeating my hopeful aura.

“Do you two want to come with? I can probably handle it myself if you don’t,” I cautioned, not wanting my fleeting confidence to be eroded any further.

“You wouldn’t be upset if we called it a night?” Kumiko respectfully inquired, undoubtedly catching on to Reina’s vibes as well.

“Nah, I’m good. You two go have a fun date night or something.”

Reina smirked, whether it was at my offer or at the concept I presented, I wasn’t certain, “We believe in you, Reyna. Good luck.”

“Hope I don’t need it,” I expressed, starting down the sidewalk, “Be safe.”

“You too,” Kumiko called back as they set off in the opposite direction.

I knew this courage wouldn’t last. The differences between the two versions of Yui burned into my head as I thought about the possibilities with Ritsu, not to mention Sano’s place in all of this. I pondered how she had become friends with Ritsu, and if that extended to the others in the former Houkago Tea Time. Either way, not having Mugi’s faith in me around would almost certainly prove to work against me.

In any event, I pressed on towards my rented bike, doing everything in my power to re-convince myself that any of this was a good idea.

————————————————————

…… 

_The chest and the head divided by a white laser,_

_The pattern of mad strobes were going haywire._

_In your eyes, night cold, I see the end of us,_

_You’re playing your best role, but the mask shatters._

_Where are you going, boy?_

_When did you get so lost?_

_How could you be so blind?_

_How could you be so blind?_

The melancholic tones of _Goliath_ had undoubtedly affected my hopes for this interaction. I really needed to make a more optimistic playlist for when I was on my way to these meetings.

As I reflected on my less-than-ideal music selections, Endless Eight came into view down the street. I groaned to myself, knowing that my time to get myself squared away was now limited. Sighing the entire way, I pulled into the same parking spot that Takemoto parked in two days ago, sent down my kickstand, removed my keys, and dismounted.

After getting the bike settled, I quickly put away my helmet and jacket, being sure to only bring in what I needed. I nervously checked myself in my camera app, adjusting my hat strap, then waltzed towards the door, wondering who would be at the host stand today.

Lo and behold, a nondescript boy, appearing to be around my age, cosplaying as Satou Kazuma stood listlessly at the podium. Didn’t even know that dudes worked here.

“How can we serve you today?” he asked in such a way that his disinterest could’ve been either in-character or genuine.

I surveyed the restaurant, searching for the pair of blue hair and white hair sitting anywhere, finding Ritsu and Sano in a booth across from each other in the back right corner, accompanied by the tall, redheaded bassist.

“I’m with the trio in the corner,” I responded, nodding to myself and to Kazuma.

“Thank you for your patronage, head on in,” he relayed, looking back towards them and setting his eyes on the server dressed as Megumin. I tilted my head at his gaze, wondering to myself how many workplace romances I’d see in my time in this café.

Brushing it off, I made my careful way over, dancing around the other customers and vacant seating. Upon my final approach, Sano’s attention turned to me and her expression lit up. She eagerly patted the seat next to herself, to which I obliged, plopping into the cushions.

“Long day?” she sweetly inquired, closing her eyes in an appreciative smile.

“I’ve had longer, how about all of you?”

“Agreed,” Ritsu concurred, her voice indirectly giving me flashbacks, “How have you been, Reyna? Been in Japan long?”

“This is my third night, but it may as well have been my three-hundredth,” I expressed, slouching further and further, “Been staying busy.”

“I feel that. Oh, by the way,” she interrupted herself, “This is Hayashi Sachi, the bassist for Onna Gumi, the band that Sano and I were helping out tonight. Their drummer broke her hand and they don’t have a keyboardist, so here we are.”

“Nice to meet you,” she gingerly acquainted.

“You as well. Reyna Marten. I go by Reyna.”

“Are your Yamada buddies not joining us?” Sano questioned, her attention equally split between our exchange and her phone.

“No, they called it a night right after we talked.”

“That’s a shame, Kousaka seemed like Ritsu’s type. Long, black hair, well endowed,” she stuck a playful tongue out towards Ritsu, with the azure drummer too distracted by the name to acknowledge.

“You and Kousaka reunited?” she interrogated, leaning into the conversation, “I’m surprised, she hasn’t said a word to any of us since Finals, despite being in a couple of my classes.”

I resented the implication that her feelings towards me should equal the ones towards HTT, but I kept that to myself, “She was one of the first people I talked to when I got to the college. We pretty much picked up right where we left off.”

“Is that the trumpet girl you met in America, Ritsu?” Hayashi contributed.

“Yeah, we met her and Reyna both while performing with that percussion group. Man, they were so dope,” she snapped around to me, “I bought one of those marching snares that they had. It looks cool but I don’t really know how to play it yet.”

I chuckled, pushing myself back into a comfortable posture, “You should ask Sano, since she can apparently play anything.”

We all peered at her in unison as Sano boasted, “Not everything. Just trumpet, mellophone, French horn, flute, alto and bari sax, guitar, bass guitar, piano, keyboard, and synth. Nothing percussion, sorry bucho.”

“I’m sure I know someone, it’ll just take some time for me to remember,” I assured her as she melted hopelessly into the table. Ritsu wasn't too different from when I met her in April, so far.

Suddenly, a pint-sized Megumin with plum hair and a lone side-ponytail dangling out of her oversized wizard had appeared next to our table, “Good evening, peions! I see another has joined your party! Have you decided on a meal, new arrival?”

I hadn’t even realised that a menu was in front of me until Sano lifted it to my face, “I think she might need some time.”

“Splendid, I will return shortly,” the tiny witch exclaimed, skittering off towards the podium.

“She’s cute, don’t you think? Think I should ask for her number?”

“Wait,” I recoiled, “You like girls, Sano?”

She mischievously smirked, “What, you never noticed? Your gaydar needs some serious tune ups, VQ.”

“VQ?” Ritsu inquired.

Before I had a chance to breathe, Sano began elaborating, “Everyone at Outriders calls her VQ, short for Vape Queen.”

My embarrassment manifested into my recession into the cushions as Sano and Ritsu shared a laugh.

“How’d you end up with that nickname?” Ritsu gasped through her giggles.

“Nope,” I stopped the discourse, returning my gaze to the menu.

“Oh come on, it’s a fun story,” Sano teased, throwing her arm around me. 

I had never realised how outgoing she could be. All of the times we hung out last year, she was always so reserved and quiet, unless she was reciting the crude phrases we taught her. It was slowly hitting me how little I really knew about Sano Kairi.

“It’s fun in context, and when everyone is mentally and physically dead tired, like tour.”

As she pouted, Ritsu cleared her throat, “So, Reyna, what brought you to the show anyways? Kind of a low-key gig for you to come across town for it.”

Right, that’s what I’m really here for. I hesitated for a moment to formulate my game plan, remembering that mentioning Mugi at all would likely hurt my case.

“I’m trying to help Reina form a jazz combo at Yamada, and I only know a handful of musicians there, so I wanted to know if you would be interested.”

“You’ve asked the others too, haven’t you?” her contentment suddenly turned into suspicion, with her eyes finding their way out the window.

“I haven’t, no, but I intend to,” my self-assuredness quickly began falling apart at her adverse reaction.

“That’s a really bad idea,” Sano butted in, placing her head in her hand in the most matter-of-fact manner possible, “Have you heard about what happened to Houkago Tea Time at all?”

I played dumb, “Not really, is there something going on?”

“There was,” Ritsu sighed, “Not anymore. Haven’t seen any of them in a month or so.”

Hayashi set a knowing hand on Ritsu’s shoulder, “Maybe this would be a good chance to work things out. Mio keeps telling me that she wished she could reach out.”

“As if,” she grimaced, “Mio knows what she did. Even if she apologised I don’t think I’d be able to forget about it.”

This could be my chance.

“You don’t have to forget,” I cut in, “If she’s wronged you that badly, you don’t have to forget. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Keep her accountable, maybe she’ll do better if given another chance.”

“Big talk, coming from you,” Sano muttered to herself.

What the fuck?

“Excuse me?” I snapped around, quickly becoming indignant.

Her eyes widened with apprehension as she realised that I heard her, “No, nothing, don’t mind me.”

Despite that tense exchange, Ritsu remained withdrawn, her gaze dimming.

“I agree with Reyna,” Hayashi continued to have my back, “A second chance might be the answer.”

“Don’t buy that,” Sano leaned in towards the despondent pop star, “They weren’t there, they don’t know what she did. What Tsumugi did. You have every right to be upset.”

“I never said she doesn’t,” I promptly rebuked, distancing myself in the seat, “Yeah, I might not know what precisely happened, but I remember how they were before all of this. It at least looked genuine, and if that’s true, it deserves another shot.”

Sano made eye contact with me, her displeasure accented by her enviously green eyes. After analysing mine, she backed off, withdrawing into the far corner of the booth.

“Whatever, it happened to Ritsu, I was barely involved, regardless of what Mio would claim. It’s Ritsu’s choice.”

At that prompting, Sachi and I returned our unified attention to Ritsu, who’s thousand-yard stare spoke more than any words could’ve. It became clear to me that none of these girls _wanted_ to be apart, but they had all individually decided that to hug it out wouldn’t be enough to make up for how wronged they all felt. 

This was salvageable, but for some reason, it was up to me to find out how.

“I want to hear it from them,” Ritsu weakly demanded, “I want to hear Mugi and Mio apologise. If they do, I’ll consider your offer, Reyna.”

“I appreciate that, Ritsu. I’ll see what I can do,” I smiled to myself, resettling into the cushions.

“If you want to talk to Mio,” Hayashi added, “You could meet with her at her photo shoot on Thursday. I was intending on going there to catch up with her, and I could probably bring you along without any issues.”

“Photo shoot?”

“Akiyama Mio is a model now,” Sano snickered, crossing her legs and burying her face in her phone, “Didn’t you see her tits on the billboard by the theatre? Hard to miss them.”

Ritsu discreetly shot her a hostile glance at that comment, further confirming my earlier realisation.

“That’d be awesome, thank you Hayashi-san,” I gratefully gushed, “Let me get your email, we can set up when and where.”

As we both unsheathed our phones to trade information, Sano stretched in every direction, “Well, that wore me out, I think I’m gonna call it a night. VQ, you came here on a motorcycle, right? Mind giving me a ride home?”

“I can, but can it wait? I’m interested in this omurice they have.”

She began playfully shoving me out of the booth, “Oh come on, you’re not gonna lose all that weight on tour this year, you can skip dinner tonight.”

My hands switched from typing down Hayashi’s email to feeling out my stomach, “What weight?”

“Your legs, Thunder Thighs.”

I scoffed, completing the email as I rose out of the seat to dodge her next round of pushing, “Bitch, I’m not trying to lose my thighs.”

As she slinked out from behind me, I resigned myself to leaving Ritsu and Hayashi now, trusting them to not back-pedal the previous discussion.

“Looks like I have no option,” I conceded, “Hayashi, I’ll message you tomorrow to talk about schedules. Ritsu, I’ll keep you updated. See you two around.”

“It was nice to meet you,” Hayashi waved.

“Do your best, Reyna,” Ritsu declared with a cautiously hopeful smile. I gave them a thumbs up as I followed Sano out of the café.

One down, two to go. Maybe this wasn’t going to be a fool’s errand after all.

————————————————————

As I stopped the bike, it struck me how quiet Sano had been the whole way to her apartment building. After her incessant talking at the café, this silence reminded me more of how she was at the Outriders. As her oversized breasts peeled off of my back and we dismounted, I thought about how I could get used to giving well-endowed girls rides.

“It’s on the second floor,” she relayed as we removed our helmets.

While she stored her helmet in the trunk, I took a look around our surroundings. I hadn’t been out this late while in Japan yet, and it gave me a significantly calmer vibe than night time back home did. It wasn’t quieter by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt so much more tranquil. Despite all of the theatrics, I was glad I decided to take a year away to come here.

“Reyna,” Sano murmured, using my real name for the first time since I’ve known her.

“Yeah, Sano?”

“Can you,” she trailed off, averting her eyes from my general direction, “Can you come in for a bit?”

I tilted my head at her, pondering the stark contrast between her behaviour before to how she was now. I thought I had pegged her after our reunion, but this threw me for a loop.

“I suppose I can,” I confirmed, putting my helmet with the other and shutting the trunk.

She then set off, sauntering towards the outside staircase, leaving me in the dust. I sighed at her strange vibe and trotted over to catch up. We remained silent the entire way up the stairs, with them reminding me that my head still mildly ached from the previous night’s drinking. Jesus, I hate stairs.

As we neared the entrance to her apartment, she slowed her pace to walk beside me instead of some distance ahead.

“Are we friends, Reyna?” she asked out of the blue, her gaze still downcast like before.

“I think so,” I answered promptly, “Why? Do you think we aren’t?”

She quietly huffed as we reached the door, “If that’s so, will you stay with me for a while? Maybe the night?”

The uncomfort I had felt since arriving became oppressive, bearing down like heavy rain. However, I recalled her offhand comment at the café and decided that I couldn’t afford to upset her to a point where she would reveal whatever she knew about my past, or my previous dealings with Olivia.

“I’ll stay for a bit, I dunno about staying the night just yet, though.”

“Okay,” she sadly sighed as she turned the knob and stepped in, leaving the door ajar.

Standing at the threshold, I measured my options again. For some unknown reason, I received a similar notion for whether or not I entered her apartment as when I agreed to Mugi’s request of helping put the pieces of Houkago Tea Time back together. Despite my first impressions, I had no fucking idea who Sano Kairi was, and I was slowly realising that however ‘close’ I thought we had become towards the end of last season, she was essentially a stranger.

If that was the case, how come I didn’t feel the same way about Reina? Or Ritsu, Mio, or Yui? Or especially Mugi?

I walked in, shedding my shoes at the door and sealing it shut. The only lights were a sparse selection of lamps in each section of the room, keeping most of the interior concealed, save the pale moonlight shining through the flowing curtains of the patio, beyond which stood Sano, holding a pack of cigarettes and scrolling on her device. I elected to join her, pushing past the curtains and settling my weight on the old iron bars.

After a moment of silence, she locked her phone, with a Bluetooth speaker behind us coming alive with a quiet, somber tune I wasn’t familiar with.

_Shiltago malhae,_

_Saranghaji anneundago malhae bwa,_

_Nae mami tteonal geo gachi,_

_Neoga miweojil geo gachi._

“I feel like the band hates me,” she muttered through the cigarette between her teeth. 

She pulled another from the pack and extended it to me. As my right hand reached for the vape in my pocket, it stopped halfway as my left received the dart, my fingers nostalgically wrapping around it.

“Why’s that?” I curiously asked, watching as she lit up, then brought the lighter to mine and ignited.

She took a long drag, then blew the smoke out with perfect technique, “I was the substitute guitarist after Hirasawa left. It wasn’t until after I joined and was a member for a month that they all began to feel this way towards each other. I’m pretty sure they hold me more responsible than each other.”

I filled my lungs with bad decisions and expelled them, turning my gaze to her, “Why? Did you drive them apart?”

Her emerald eyes twinkled, contemplating an answer to my question, “I think so. I was afraid that I would be second to Hirasawa, so I made myself undeniable.”

“That’s awfully vague,” I responded with an accidentally flippant chuckle.

“You don’t believe me?”

“I never said that, but you’re practically a different person from the Sano I knew at the Outriders. I’m not really sure what to believe right now.”

“Has she shown you her tattoo?”

I did a double-take at the seemingly random question, “Excuse me?”

“Tsumugi. She has a tattoo right here,” she said as she traced a line right beneath her breasts.

“How do you know that we’re friends? More importantly, how do you know that she has a tattoo there?”

She gave me a suggestive side-eye and a cheeky shrug before returning her stare to the horizon, pulling on her cigarette once more.

I did the same before continuing, “I can’t pin you down, Sano.”

“I just want you to know the real me, Reyna. Not the mask I wear, or the Sano Kairi that split HTT apart. And I want to know the real you. Not VQ, or not the way Olivia sees you.”

“You and Liv keep in touch, then?”

“Of course,” she explained, caressing her necklace, “She was the first friend I made at Outriders. Let me be the first to tell you, she has a lot to say about you.”

“You’re not the first. I know that she’s upset with me, and I know why. I’d like that not to be the case, but we all make mistakes.”

“Were you making excuses for yourself back there, or do you really think that Mio should be forgiven?”

I raised my brow at her, “What do you mean?”

She stared at me for a moment, before sighing and resuming, “Wow, I guess you really don’t know what happened.”

“Mugi-chan isn’t very liberal with the details.”

“Mugi-chan, is it?”

I mimicked her shrug from earlier, to which she responded by scooting significantly closer to me.

“You know, Reyna-chan,” she whispered, “I don’t want you to lose your thighs, either.”

“What’s this all of the sudden?” I outwardly teased, internally feeling deeply conflicted about what was happening.

“I want you to know the real me. The real me likes cute girls, and you’re very cute.”

“Are you okay?”

She snatched my hand and planted it on her waist, her face now only inches from mine, “Don’t you want to know the real me, too?”

“Sano—”

“—Kairi-chan.”

“I don’t want—”

“Don’t lie to me. If you can cheat on Olivia, you can cheat on Mugi, too.”

My body betrayed my mind as my contempt for her words was drowned out by my shivers at her touch and my heated cheeks, “That’s not what this is about. Don’t assume you know anything that’s happening or has happened.”

Her malicious giggles gave way to her soft lips repeatedly meeting my neck and her hand dragging mine across her body. Against my better judgement, I couldn’t pry myself away. I felt like a prisoner in my own body as my breath began to escape in short, trembling bursts.

“Do you want to stay the night?”

My id and superego waged war against each other in my head, neither giving ground until she brought my hand to her chest and squeezed. My inhibitions shattered as my id took over.

“I suppose I can.”

_Jotago malhae,_

_Geurae gyesok geureoke malhae jweo,_

_Joatteon geuttaewa gachi,_

_Pyeongsaeng saranghal geot gachi._


	6. The Right Attitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Lights Go Out by Ertegun  
> Seasons by Mozzy, Sjava, and Reason  
> See You Again by Tyler, The Creator  
> The Right Attitude by Hogni
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains sexual verbiage that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

The various rays of light streaming through the cheap blinds shone through in just the perfect angle to strike my eyes and wake me from my clammy sleep. As I tried to lift my right arm to rub my eyelids open, the head-sized weight on my forearm reminded me where I was and what had happened the night before. Through the night, Sano’s naked body had become more and more tangled in my own, sending chills through me all over again.

Fucking hell, how did I let this happen?

Over the next ten minutes, I sequentially freed myself bit by bit, until I was just free enough to liberate myself completely, soundlessly crawling out of her sheets and wandering into the bathroom, quietly closing the door and leaning against the counter to see myself in the mirror.

I recognised the Reyna I saw through the glass, but it didn’t feel like me. At least, I really didn’t want it to be.

From my stomach to just below my chin, she had branded me with an array of hickeys, serving for at least a week of reminders of her seduction. I soaked my hands for a moment, then wiped my face enough to clear my vision enough to see myself clearly. After witnessing my mangled mane, I elected to steal one of her hair ties and return to my signature ponytail. 

Feeling at least marginally like myself again, I continued wiping myself down in a ritual I’d gotten used to on tour, then air-drying as I pondered the potential consequences of the night.

It was going to take all of my courage to look Reina or Mugi in the eye today, so I decided to do my best to try not to run into them until I was in higher spirits. Maybe I could even burn what little supply of concealer I had to make my neck presentable to help my case.

As I slinked out of the bathroom, I examined Sano to see if she was still deep in sleep or at risk of waking up. Her eyelids shifted erratically, letting me know that she was in REM sleep and I was probably home free to grab my clothes and get the hell out of Dodge City. Approaching the bed, I sheepishly found myself checking her out once more, not being surprised at all that she successfully charmed me into sleeping with her. If there was a better pair of tits in Kyoto, I wanted to know.

Just as I reached the bed and quietly sat down on the edge, my phone came alive, my ringtone blasting _Winchester_ to rudely alert me that Carson was calling. I scrambled to pick it up and answer, but the vibrations in the bed told me enough to know that this wildcard had ruined my chances of leaving undetected.

I picked up the phone and answered normally, having nothing to lose now, “Hey Carson, is it Denver already?”

_“On a Tuesday? Try again,”_ he loudly chuckled, causing my virgin morning ears to ring, _“No, they sprung a laundry day on us to help us feel clean for Saturday.”_

“Clean clothes, clean show,” I recited the tried and true phrase.

_“Damn right. Anyways, I wanted to ask you about Sano’s post yesterday. I know I said you should meet up with her but I didn’t mean like that.”_

I had to fight every instinct in my arm to throw my phone against the wall, “You’ll have to explain, boss, I haven’t seen it.”

_“She posted a couple pics of you and her on Minutegram. They seem to suggest that you guys are talking, but of course I can’t read the caption. Did you two hook up?”_

“No,” I fibbed, feeling the need to cover my ass, knowing how gossipy Carson could get, “We just met up at a show last night and caught up.”

As I layed out my fabrication, Sano draped herself on my back and wrapped her arms around my neck, sending that toxic, hypnotic sensation through me again. Nibbling on my free ear, I understood that lying was out of the question now.

 _“I hope so, that post made you two seem pretty comfortable,”_ his concern leaked through the phone, and I found myself resenting it, _“You might want to talk to her about taking it down. While it would be perfectly innocent under regular circumstances, it’s not between two girls that like girls.”_

“Yeah, yeah, I fucking get it,” I interrupted myself, “Wait, how did you know she was gay?”

_“Are you kidding? The way she looked at you guys last year? It was pretty obvious.”_

“I told you,” she whispered in my ear, her shifting breasts against my back setting off all of my mental alarms, “Your gaydar needs tune ups. I could help you with that, if you want.”

This girl is a hazard to my health.

_“What was that?”_

“Nothing,” I anxiously brushed it away, “Anyways, I was supposed to call you about not flirting with my sister. I leave you alone for one season, man. Just because you and Alex are open now doesn’t mean I condone you trying to get with Sara. Not cool.”

_“Really? Fuck, alright, I’m sorry. I’ll lay off,”_ he sighed.

“Good boy. Anything else or did you just call me to bust my balls?”

He hesitated for a moment, _“I hope you’re having fun there, tour isn’t the same without VQ. Please call Olivia sometime, too, she’s having a really hard time out here.”_

I groaned, not needing that reminder while her best friend from last season was basically giving me a back massage with her ample rack, “Yeah, got it. Talk to you later, chief.”

_“Right back at you. Bye, Reyna.”_

Before I could even fully put my phone down, Sano wrapped her legs around me, completely ensnaring me once more. I knew where this was going, and I didn’t like it.

“You weren’t trying to run away, were you?” she inquired in the most sultry tones she could muster, attempting to fit her leg between mine.

“I didn’t tell my roommates I wasn’t going to be home last night,” I danced between the laser beams, “They’re probably worried I got kidnapped.”

She giggled, giving up on the pretzel maneuver and reaching her hand around instead, fidgeting with my left piercing, “Technically, you were. At least, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was your side of the story.”

“Please stop.”

“Why? You were practically begging me for more last night.”

“Sano…”

She recoiled at my refusal to use her first name, then reconvened to whisper in my ear once more, “You may not know me after all, but _I know you_ , Reyna Marten. You’re mine now, and if you forget that, I’ll be sure to remind you.”

After that threat, she placed a final kiss on the nape of my neck and released me, scooting off the bed and making her way into the bathroom.

“Go back to your roommates,” she malevolently peered back through her messy bangs, “I’m sure they are worried about you.”

I swallowed the rock in my throat and proceeded to throw on my tainted clothes, feeling her words burn themselves into my mind like a brand of shame.

I should probably avoid mirrors for the rest of the day.

————————————————————

_You and I are perfect strangers,_

_We never wanna be alone._

**Skip.**

_Seasons change._

_There’s still time for us to run away._

**Skip.**

_Okay, okay, okay, okay,_

_Okay, okay, okay…_

_You live in my dream state,_

_Relocate my fantasy,_

I yanked out my earbuds, my frustration with my playlist feeling the need to kick me while I was down violently bursting. Fuck this, oh my god, fuck this.

Kanna and Midori were already gone by the time I finally got back to the apartment, leaving me alone to wallow in my disgrace through my morning ritual, taking an extra long shower but still not feeling clean. I wondered just how fucking long this rain cloud would follow me, and if I even deserved for it to dissipate.

I began to wonder if Olivia taught her that trick. It seemed like something she would do, or was it something I would do?

No way I’m opening that can of worms, today.

I didn’t have time to consider the possibility for very long anyhow, as I spied Mugi standing next to the same croquette stand as the day before. This time, however, she was staring right at me, her anxious gaze punching a hole straight through my heart. I really, _really_ hoped that the concealer was enough to hide the evidence, because I would really not enjoy having her find out.

As I reached the crosswalk, I contemplated the pros and cons of ignoring the pedestrian lights and walking out into the street and letting fate decide. Before I could come to a conclusion, the light let me across, and I resumed my walk of shame to the blonde princess.

“Reyna-chan,” she started before I could reach her, “Are you feeling well? You look down. Please tell me everything went well with Ricchan.”

I nodded, stopping right before her. I couldn’t help but notice how earnestly concerned she appeared. How much did she really care for me, and would it hurt her to learn what happened?

“I heard Sano-san gave you some trouble,” she weakly remarked.

I froze in place, my erratic speculation petrifying everything but my mind and mouth, “What do you mean?”

“Hayashi told me about the discussion between you four, it sounded tense. I apologise that I couldn’t be there to help you, but I’m pleased to hear you’re both optimistic.”

I sighed with more relief than I thought I would’ve had, warmly smiling at her past my downturned hat, “Don’t worry about it. It ended up working out, and as long as I can be of service, I will do so.”

Her gratitude bubbled up, starting with her adorable grin, then her arms bunching up, until she tackled me in a hug, indirectly letting me know how sore my nipples were.

“I don’t think I can thank you enough, Reyna-chan,” she gushed. I remorsefully returned the embrace, believing I didn’t deserve it.

As we released, she spun around, her platinum hair whipping outwards and smacking me in the face. I didn’t deserve that, either.

“Let’s get to the college,” she sang, “I would like to let Kousaka-san and Oumae-san know.”

I nervously scratched the back of my head, “Do you think they’ll be happy to hear it?”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” she innocently questioned, slowing her pace to match my own, “We’re one step closer to forming the jazz combo, are we not? That’s good news.”

“Oh, Mugi-tan,” I laughed, running my thumbs along the straps of my backpack, “I thought you’d have caught on to how Reina feels about this whole situation by now.”

She shone through my doubt, “I am aware, but if we can patch it all up, I’m sure she’ll be thankful to play in an ensemble once more. At least, I hope she will be.”

“That’s not very assuring,” I remarked.

“Have faith in me, Reyna-chan.”

“That’s my line.”

She giggled brightly, “I’ve always dreamed of borrowing someone’s line.”

I playfully scoffed at her strange dreams, receding into myself for a moment. I wasn’t sure whether it was the calming commotion of the shops around us, the gentle breeze sweeping through the street, the refreshing overcast sky, or her quick turn to optimism, but I felt my worries from last night begin to melt away. However, Sano’s words remained in my head.

“ _If you can cheat on Olivia, you can cheat on Mugi, too.”_

Did I even really feel that way about Mugi? Sure, I found her physically and emotionally attractive, but Sano was under the assumption that I was pursuing her. I guess I wouldn’t feel as guilty about sleeping with someone else if I didn’t feel some sort of devotion to Mugi.

Jesus Christ, these girls are a hazard to my health.

With that realisation, we began our final approach to the college, with the goofy administration building staring into my soul, giving me such a drastically different vibe than the usual quirky aura I had previously received from it. I suddenly became progressively more and more stressed as we grew nearer to the music building.

Pushing through our usual entrance, we strolled past the various noisy practice rooms and blasted into band hall two, witnessing Kumiko sitting alone in the centre, practicing away to the tune of an unusually complex piece.

“Kumiko,” I opened, scanning the room, “Is it just you this morning?”

“Oh, good morning you two,” she set her euphonium in her lap and turned to the entrance, “Reina is almost here, I think. She got caught up on her way over.”

“Fair enough.”

Satisfied with her explanation, I waltzed over to the gathering of stacked chairs in the corner and removed two. I gingerly placed them to Kumiko’s left, plopping in the closer one.

“What’s this chart you’re picking away at?” I set my chin in my hand as I gaped at the collection thirty-second notes painting the page.

“It technically has two names,” she elaborated, separating the stack of pages into individual parts, “The Green Groves of Erin, or The Flowers of Red Hill, or both, I think. Reina said this version was originally a string quartet, then was transcribed into a saxophone quartet, then she transcribed into a brass quartet. It’s a good Plan B if the jazz combo falls through, we’d just need a horn player.”

I took one good look at the tuba part, then internally screamed, “Good god, that’s a lot of notes.”

“Too complicated for you, Rey-san?” she playfully mocked, furrowing her brow at me.

“In your dreams. Yeah, it looks tough, but give me a few weeks and I’d have it down pat.”

Mugi’s unease rose as she watched, most likely realising how easy it would be for Reina and Kumiko to ditch the current plan and start this brass quartet.

“It’s a good Plan B, but that’s all it needs to be,” I attempted to put her worries to bed, “For now, we should stick to Plan A.”

“Agreed,” Kumiko added, probably catching on to Mugi’s concern as well, “The more, the merrier.”

Without a second to breathe, the double doors swung open once more, revealing a sight I had to double-take to believe. I once again found myself frozen in place, averting my eyes just as soon as the image had set in.

“Reyna, you didn’t mention that Sano-san could play French horn,” Reina commented as she strode towards the chairs to grab another pair of seats.

“She didn’t? Oh, Reyna-chan, you don’t brag about me to your friends after all?” she snidely goaded as she threw her arms around my neck, “How disappointing.”

This isn’t happening. I’m dreaming.

“Oh, really?” Kumiko cheerfully remarked, “Do you take any classes here, Sano-san? We could really use a horn player for a brass quartet.”

“As a matter of fact, I’m in the online classes, and with my grades, I’m sure the administration wouldn’t mind if I came to campus every now and again to participate in some extra-curriculars.”

No way. This can’t be happening.

“We already discussed it on the way over,” Reina explained, planting her seat on Kumiko’s right and pulling out her trumpet, “While we’re waiting for Kotobuki-san and Reyna to get Houkago Tea Time to agree to meet, we can explore the option of a brass quartet.”

I timidly peered over to Mugi, who had her fretful eyes trained on Sano. More specifically, her gaze was set on Sano’s arms around me.

“Wait,” she sheepishly observed, “Do you two know each other?”

“Oh, hey Tsumugi, didn’t see you there,” she imparted, tightening her grip, “Reyna-chan and I marched together last season. Isn’t that right, VQ?”

“I need to use the restroom,” I blurted out, struggling to calmly free myself from Sano’s arms, then proceeding out the double doors with haste.

Once I was out of earshot, the hyperventilating began, and I collapsed into the nearest wall. When I first caught her snowy hair on that stage yesterday, I would have never expected her to be the impetus for my first panic attack in months, but here I was.

Here I fucking was.

————————————————————

_“It’s one thing after another with you, Reyna,”_ Mia sighed, doing nothing to help my low spirits.

“Please tell me you understand the gravity of the situation,” I pleaded as I rapidly paced between the pillars, “You can’t tell _anyone_ about this. Your fucking pinkie better be up.”

_“You want me to take a picture? Your secret is safe with me, boss.”_

I forced myself to quit pacing, with my left foot picking up the slack by rapidly tapping, “So, what am I supposed to do?”

_“Well, you’ve been here before, haven’t you? Just don’t do what you did last time and hope for the best. It’s not like you’ll see any of these people ever again by March next year, right? The stakes are significantly lower.”_

“That’s not it, either. I’m trying to be a better person. Shields, why did I let myself make the same goddamn mistake that I’ve made over and over before?”

_“Because you’re a sucker for big racks?”_

I removed my phone from my ear, loudly groaned, then replied, “Bitch.”

She flippantly chuckled, _“Is it time for Mia’s sage advice?”_

“It’s time for Mia’s advice, sure. I wish it was possible for you to give me sage advice.”

_“Love you too,”_ she teased before beginning, _“The only way you’re gonna become a ‘better person’ is if you can learn to say no. Who are you tryin’ to please? This new Sano sounds like a manipulative tart, so why are you trying to keep her happy?”_

“Because I’m guilty, she knows that, and will probably reveal that to everyone else if I don’t play her game,” I conceded, leaning on the pillar next to me and staring into oblivion.

_“She can’t reveal what’s already known. Tell them before she has the chance.”_

I can’t do that.

“I can’t do that,” I repeated my inner dialogue.

She made it clear she wasn’t happy with that answer, _“Then I dunno what to tell you, big shoots. Learn from your history or somethin’.”_

“I’m sorry, Mia. I dunno why you’re the first person I go to with all of this.”

_“Don’t apologise, I’ve gotten used to it. Plus, I appreciate that you trust my opinion enough to come to me. I just hope you realise one of these days that I know what I’m talkin’ about.”_

I smiled to myself, before catching the familiar cloud of winter hair swing around the corner down the way, “I’ve gotta go, thanks for hearing me out, boss.”

_“How about you call Liv sometime, too? Apparently it’s starting to affect the rehearsal atmosphere.”_

I internally groaned, wondering how everyone had such bad timing with their reminders today. I guess it’s ‘remind Reyna of her fuck-ups at innopportune times’ day and I missed the memo.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll see what I can do. Talk to you later, Mia.”

_“Behave yourself, Reyna.”_

I would really fucking like to.

Before I could put the phone away, Sano was upon me, but subverted my expectations once more by leaning against the wall a respectful distance from me. We remained in silence for a minute, just waiting for each other to make the next move. Regardless, I knew she already had me in checkmate.

“The princess looked a little distressed back there, didn’t she?” she commented, chewing away on a yellow hairpin, “Maybe she does like you after all.”

I couldn’t pin down why, but the simple fact that she felt the need to chew on something inedible came off as unapologetically cocky, which just made me more upset.

“Looked like she was more afraid of you than anything else,” I passively scorned, keeping my eyes to the horizon.

“I couldn’t begin to imagine why.”

“It would be awesome if everyone stopped hiding shit from me all the time.”

She aggressively scoffed, “Oh, really Reyna? Everyone else is hiding shit? But you’re not?”

I really had no pieces left on the board. She had me pinned from every goddamn angle.

“Fine,” she declared, making her way over to me, “If you want less secrets, I’ll tell you one of mine.”

As she planted her hand next to my head, I raised my posture in a desperate effort to counter her intimidation, even if it meant using my marginal height advantage.

“I am the reason Mio and Ritsu broke up,” she whispered, “Whether that’s directly or not will be up to you to find out. I’d also tell you that I love you, but that’s not much of a secret now, is it?”

“You have a really funny way of showing it,” I snarked, challenging her to a staring contest.

_“Reyna-chan!”_

We snapped around together to see Mugi trotting over, her brow furrowed and a determined look on her face. I felt Sano’s displeasure increase as I found myself thanking the powers that be for her Reyna Radar.

“May I ask you something, in private?”

“Of course,” I slithered out from Sano’s poor pindown and found shelter next to Mugi, “I’ll talk to you later, Kairi-chan.”

She hid her frustration under a false smile, then sauntered off, pulling out her phone and burying herself in it.

“Are you okay, Reyna-chan?”

I responded by smothering her in a tight hug, and feeling even more thankful when she wholesomely returned the motion.

“She’s been troublesome ever since I’ve known her,” she sassed as we released, endearingly sticking her tongue out in her direction.

“That makes one of us,” I let out an exasperated sigh, realising I had to be very careful with my words, “She’s much different now that I can understand her.”

“She went to America without being able to speak English? That’s not what I would expect from her at all.”

I joyfully giggled at this passive-aggressive side of Mugi, “So, what did you need to ask me?”

“May I come with you to your apartment after classes today? We must discuss some important matters.”

“Of course,” I replied before I remembered that I had left my sex-smelling clothes on my bed in a rush this morning. I felt the urge to facepalm but held it back.

“Splendid,” she remarked, bunching her arms up, “Perhaps we could grab some dinner on the way there, too?”

I wasn’t exactly sure where she’d been hiding, but this determined version of Mugi was really doing it for me.

“Any specific cravings?”

She put her finger to her mouth for a moment of contemplation, then shot it into the air, “Yakisoba!”

I smirked at her mannerisms, “Yakisoba it is, then.”

“Wonderful,” she purred, “We can rendezvous here after classes then?”

“Rendezvous?” I fondly giggled at her language-mashing, “Don’t make it sound so romantic.”

“Pourquoi? It’s always been a dream of mine to go on a date with a girl.”

She caught me completely off-guard with that addition, spinning my courage into embarrassment as I felt my cheeks heat up.

I awkwardly fumbled to spin it back to my favour, “You picked the right girl, since I have plenty of experience there.”

She excitedly gasped, “That’s what she said!”

“Okay, that one works,” I praised, remembering her last attempt at that joke.

“Victoire! Anyway, I must now get to my next class. Until then, Reyna-chan.”

“See you later.”

As she cheerfully marched away, I found myself questioning if our ‘rendezvous’ would be able to dispel all these negative vibes following me around, or if they would just make my guilt worse. The only way to know was to find out, I suppose.

————————————————————

“Reyna-san,”

My trance was dispelled as I looked around to find the source of the voice, finding Chitanda walking up from my left.

“Oh, hey Chitanda-san, what’s up?”

She stopped right before my table, “I believe our study period has been over for a while, but you’ve been sitting there zoned out. I was curious to know if you were alright.”

I gratefully smiled, “Yeah, I’m alright at the moment. I appreciate it though.”

“Of course,” she politely smiled in return, “By the way, are you doing okay in the literature class? We were in a fairly tough place when you arrived, I hope it wasn’t too much for you.”

“I’m a big girl, Chitanda-san, even if it’s tough I’ll figure it out.”

“Good, I’m glad. One more thing, I’ll be stopping by the apartment on Friday instead of Sunday like we usually would, please pass it on to Makino-san and Tokiwa-san for me.”

“Got it. Thanks for letting us know.”

“Of course,” she bowed, “See you then, I must get going.”

“Yeah, see you.”

I’d forgotten how pleasant a normal, non-emotionally charged interaction was. It seemed like every conversation I’ve had for the last two days had some amount of emotional weight riding on it. It was nice to just talk sometimes.

Realising I was zoning out again, I checked out the clock on the wall next to me, seeing that it was just about time for me to meet up with Mugi by the courtyard. Not wanting to waste any more time, I swiftly returned all of my papers and pencils to my backpack and made my way out of the library.

As I passed through the main entrance, I noticed that I could see the entire courtyard from where I was standing. I squinted at my usual lunch spot by the pillars, catching a glimpse of the blonde standing exactly where I expected, wearing a plaid shirtdress instead of her attire from this morning.

Did she really have time to change between lunch and now? At that, why did she feel the need to do so?

Not wanting to make her wait any longer, I proceeded across the courtyard to her, now feeling self-conscious about my basic lesbian uniform.

Of course my flannel and her dress are the same colour and pattern. Why wouldn’t they be? Did she plan that?

Just before I was about to call out to her, she turned her head just enough to catch me in her peripherals. As she examined me, her eyes bounced between her dress and my flannel, realising the similarity and blushing lightly.

I guess she didn’t plan it.

“What a coincidence,” she excitedly pointed out, “We match.”

“Guess that means it’s really a date,” I laughed, leaning to one side as I stopped before her.

“It was always really a date!” she exclaimed, bunching her arms up, “I even dressed cute for it.”

I caught my eyes travelling up and down her body, then shamefully averted them, “You really went all out, huh?”

“Are you proud of me, Reyna-chan?”

“Of course, Mugi-tan.”

“Très bien, let’s be off then! I know the ideal locale for yakisoba on the way.”

Watching her eagerly march off, I returned to my internal debate from right after we split up earlier. There was no ducking out now, but I hoped that there’d be no negative consequences from this adventure with Mugi.

Remembering that I left the ‘go with the flow’ Reyna in the Denver Airport where she belonged, I took the first step and trotted to catch up with her.

“So,” I began, “We having sit-down yakisoba or getting it to go?”

“It depends on the shop,” she elaborated, watching her feet, “I’ve never actually been before. It’s in a shopping arcade nearby that I’ve always wanted to go to, but never had someone to go with.”

“Usagiyama?”

She turned to me in surprise, “Oh, you’ve been?”

I nodded, “Yeah, my roommates are friends with a bunch of the shop owners so we’ve been a few times. So we’re going to Miyako Udon, then? I didn’t know they had yakisoba.”

“I’ll be somewhat disappointed if they don’t.”

“Wait, you didn’t check?”

She pressed her pointer fingers together, “It’s a noodle shop, right? I might have assumed.”

I playfully clicked my tongue at her as we made our way through the crosswalk, “Sloppy.”

She sheepishly chuckled, appreciating the tranquil river we were about to cross over.

“This side of town is very aesthetically pleasing,” she expressed, soaking in the views that had almost become routine for me.

Her commentary inspired me to re-examine our surroundings, deciding that she had a point. Even the stepping stones in the river were spaced perfectly. 

“Is your route home not as pretty?”

“It’s barely a comparison. My apartment is in the more urbanised area of town, so I’m usually surrounded by tall, monotonous buildings.”

I glanced between her and the next set of crosswalk lights, “That does sound inferior. You’ll have to show me sometime.”

She thought about the implication of us going to her apartment too someday, hesitated, then nodded, “Perhaps.”

As we passed the final crosswalk on my route home, the vibrant Usagiyama sign came into our view, revealing the shopping arcade’s entrance in all of its glory. I knew that the udon shop was a bit of the way in, so I took the lead, heading up Mugi by a foot or two.

After following the sidewalk some ways, we arrived at the opening arch, immediately catching the eye of Ouji recording Kitashirakawa, who was wistfully staring through the threshold we found ourselves standing in.

“Oh, hey Reyna-san!” she called over, breaking character and causing Ouji to let out an exasperated sigh in frustration.

“Kitashirakawa-san, how have you been?” I returned the greeting as she skipped over.

“Really well,” she expressed, striking a quirky pose, “I’ve been helping Mochizou with his short film, playing the lead actress.”

As if responding to the queue of his name, he sauntered over, clicking an array of buttons on his camera, “She’s been doing great, but she gets distracted _really_ easily. How about you? Been a good first week?”

I puckishly chuckled as I fidgeted with my ponytail, “It’s been a first week for sure. Oh, this is Kotobuki Tsumugi by the way, she’s a friend of mine from Yamada.”

Mugi lightly recoiled at my words, with me quickly learning why.

“ _The_ Kotobuki Tsumugi?” Kitashirakawa’s mouth sprung open, turning her attention to Mugi, “Oh my gosh, I love Houkago Tea Time’s music, especially Honey Sweet Tea Time.”

“Thank you so much,” Mugi politely bowed, grabbing at her skirt, “That was one of my favourites too.”

“I can’t wait to hear what you four release next!”

“Neither can I.”

Ouji noticed the troubled body language Mugi was displaying and quickly chimed in to ease the vibe, “Anyways, you two look busy. We’ll not keep you. Besides, Tamako and I have three more scenes to do before the sun goes down.”

Kitashirakawa spun around and pouted, “Mocchi, I’m tired. We’ve been recording this one scene for the past thirty minutes.”

“It wouldn’t take that long if you’d stop getting distracted so easily, honey.”

“Honey? Wait, don’t you try to sweet-talk me again!”

I giggled at their ‘old married couple’ dynamic, craning my head around them to try to spot Miyako Udon.

“We’re running out of daylight as well,” I bowed, “Have a good day.”

“You too,” Kitashirakawa relayed, “Good to meet you, Kotobuki-san.”

“You as well,” she returned the courtesy as she followed me around the couple.

After we had ventured past earshot, I presented my apology, “I’m sorry Mugi-tan, sometimes I forget that you’re a celebrity.”

“Don’t apologise, it tends to escape me as well, then I’m reminded whenever I forget to go out in a hat and sunglasses,” she professed, her eyes somewhat downcast.

“If that’s the case…”

I pulled over next to one of the unoccupied walls, removed my backpack, and began digging through the main pocket, pulling out my spare hat and my pair of aviators. After a smell test, I elected to switch hats to my spare, holding my corps hat and sunglasses in one hand. I then zipped up my backpack and equipped it, rising from my crouch and turning back around to Mugi, throwing the hat over her head and gingerly setting the aviators on.

“Better?” I proudly set my hands on my hips, admiring my work.

“It’s too dark in here for sunglasses,” she stated, removing them and folding them up, “But I’ll keep the hat if it looks okay with the dress.”

“You look perfect.”

She grinned at my compliment, her cheeks gaining a tint of red, “Thank you, Reyna-chan. Let’s continue on.”

I nodded in agreement, setting off towards our destination, now only a short walk away. Briefly looking down to adjust my makeshift belt, I realised I was wearing my show shirt from last season, meaning that Mugi we’re now matching in two ways.

Would not be shocked if anyone got the wrong idea at a glance. Hell, I might be getting that idea even with complete understanding of the situation.

Finally at the entrance to the udon shop, we slipped through the sliding door into the dimly lit dining area, soaking in the menagerie of delicious scents. After a moment of hungry euphoria, I caught Kanna and Midori sitting together in the left corner of the room.

“Mugi, confession time,” I murmured to her, “I have no idea how to order here.”

“I’ll take care of it, you can find us some seats,” she eased my distress, stepping off towards the cook.

“Cool if we sit with my roommates?”

“Of course.”

With that affirmation, I traipsed my way over to the duo, both enraptured by their devices. Unsure of how to greet them after going missing last night, I decided to try to play it cool.

“Fancy seeing you two here,” I announced, adjusting my hat.

Kanna sprung alive, grabbing my cheeks with both hands, “So you are Reyna. I was under the impression that Reyna Marten went missing yesterday. Seems I was mistaken.”

Midori promptly reached across the table to pull Kanna’s hands from my face, setting them onto the table, “Kanna, look at her. She’s not gonna go missing on her third night in Japan.”

“Why? Am I intimidating looking?” I jested.

“Kinda,” she bluntly replied with no hesitation.

“Mido-chan has a point,” Kanna stood her hands up on two fingers across the table from each other, “If I were a creeper in the night, and I saw you coming towards me, I’d be more worried about myself. No easy-to-kidnap girl has silver hair and has a weapons-grade necklace.”

“Thanks, I guess?” I giggled, forgetting how all over the place Kanna tended to be, “Did you two give up on dinner tonight?”

“We didn’t know if we needed to prepare for two or three,” Midori explained, “So, we were gonna get dinner here, finish out Kanna’s loyalty card, and give you the freebie to get dinner as well.”

“I appreciate that. Would it be okay if a friend and I join you two?”

“Depends,” Kanna leaned back, “Is it the friend that kidnapped you?”

“Nah, she’s a friend from Yamada, wanted to get some yakisoba before we went to the apartment to discuss some club things.”

Midori raised an eyebrow, “They don’t serve yakisoba here.”

At that, Mugi dejectedly wandered over to us, “Reyna-chan, they don’t have yakisoba here.”

I patted her head in an half-assed effort to console her, “What did you order, then?”

“Yaki udon for two.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Reyna,” Kanna grabbed my arm and pulled me closer, cupping her hand to her mouth, “Please choose your words carefully, you’ll offend the chef.”

“She has a point,” Mugi chimed in, “Ramen cooks take their craft very seriously, and have little tolerance for the uneducated.”

“I like you already,” Kanna pointed past me at Mugi, “Please join us for dinner.”

I motioned my hands towards the duo, “Mugi, this is Tokiwa Midori and Makino Kanna, my roommates.”

“Nice to meet you two, I’m Kotobuki Tsumugi,” she graciously bowed, “Reyna and I met a few months ago in America and are now trying to help the music department at Yamada University.”

Midori’s eye twinkled at the mention of Mugi’s name, to which I shot her a glance, hoping she would refrain from mentioning Mio. Catching my glance, she nodded, getting the message.

After the introductions, we grabbed our seats and began patiently awaiting our food. It wasn’t long before Midori looked back up and to me.

“So, Reyna,” she began, “You didn’t get kidnapped last night, right? We were somewhat concerned when you weren’t home this morning.”

“Yeah, about that,” I searched my brain for the correct combination of words as to not reveal too much, “I ended up going to a show in the city last night, then had to take a friend home afterwards. It was too late to drive safely back, so I stayed the night.”

“Good. Thank you for not risking it on our account,” Midori accepted my explanation, crossing her arms on the table, “But we are technically responsible for you now, so please let us know if you’re not coming back to the apartment for the night.”

“Of course, my apologies.”

“Who was it,” Mugi curiously pried.

“Sano,” I accidentally divulged, then quickly back-pedalled, “We were both pretty beat after our talk with Ritsu and Hayashi, so she insisted I stay over rather than fall asleep at the wheel. Handlebars.”

I couldn’t pin down the look in Mugi’s eyes, but I desperately hoped that she bought the fib.

“Is Sano another friend from Yamada?” Kanna questioned.

“No. Actually, we marched together at the Outriders last season. I was surprised to see her at the show last night.”

“Oh wow, small world,” Midori added.

“Gets smaller every day.”

After I gave myself déjà-vu, the cook announced our meals and brought them over. We all shared a unison ‘itadakimasu’, then began digging in. As I watched the others and mimicked them, my mind travelled back to whether or not this was a good idea. I really didn’t want to have to tell Mugi about my night with Sano, especially after getting the notion that Mugi wasn’t a huge fan of Sano all day today. I just had to continue playing my cards close to my chest, just like she had been.

————————————————————

“That was amazing,” Mugi praised, putting her hands together in thanks, “I’m almost no longer upset about it not being yakisoba.”

“Good introduction to authentic Japanese cuisine,” I commented after realising that this was my first non-Western meal since I arrived.

“Hey, Kotobuki-san, Reyna,” Kanna started as we exited the udon shop, “You two should join Mido-chan and I at the bathhouse. Nothing like a good soak after noodles.”

My face flushed at the implication. Looking to Mugi to see her opinion, I saw that she was also bright red, but adopted her furrowed brows of determination.

“That sounds wonderful, we will join you,” she announced, accepting the invitation on my behalf.

Kanna nodded in appreciation, then looked to Midori, who nodded back.

“Let’s not waste any time then,” Midori advised, “You two have to discuss club matters, right? We’ll give you enough time to do so before Kotobuki-san has to head home.”

“Right, let’s be off then,” Mugi declared, resolutely marching off towards the entrance of the shopping arcade.

“Mugi-tan, it’s this way,” I called to her, pointing in the opposite direction.

“Mugi-tan?” Midori questioned my affectionate honorific.

Not having a response, I simply kept my eyes trained on Mugi as she returned to our group, awkwardly giggling to herself.

Now united, the four of us set off down the arcade, with Kanna and Midori greeting several shopkeepers as we passed by. As we walked, I caught a stranger raising a phone camera to us, immediately realising what was going on. The flash caught the other three off-guard, but I stomped over to the perpetrator and seized his hand as he tried to make his escape.

“Hey buddy,” I aggressively interrogated, raising his phone hand above our heads, “What’s the big idea?”

“I— I saw Kotobuki-sama walk in here wearing matching outfits with a foreigner. I knew I had to get a picture, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble,” he cowered, refusing to look me in the eye.

“You don’t have to get a picture of anything. I’m gonna watch you delete the picture, then you’re gonna leave this shopping arcade, unless you want trouble.”

“Yes, of— of course. I’m sorry.”

I released his hand, then pulled his phone hand closer to me and watched as he deleted the picture and attempted to run away.

I slammed my hand into the wall in front of him, “Recently Deleted, too.”

He heavily swallowed in fear, then showed me the phone again as he completely deleted the photo. After doing as I said, he scurried away.

“You Americans are all crazy!”

“Damn right! Stay away from Kotobuki-san!”

Remembering I wasn’t alone, I turned back around to see the fallout of the altercation. Kanna was deadpan as usual, Midori was clutching her stomach laughing, and Mugi’s eyes twinkled at me. I shoved my hands in my pockets in half-pride, half-embarrassment.

“I was right, you are intimidating,” Kanna remarked as she continued along towards the bathhouse. I smirked, then rejoined them.

As I retook my place between Midori and Mugi, Mugi threaded her arms between the space in my right arm and pressed herself against me, “Thank you, Reyna-chan. That was impressive.”

I felt my cheeks exceed boiling temperature, then adamantly replied, “I have some experience deterring stalkers like that.”

“Really? Do tell,” Midori inquired, walking equidistant from Kanna and us, who looked more like a couple than we had all day.

“One of my friends went on a few dates with a celebrity’s son as a favour. Every time we were in a bigger city after that, she would get people taking pictures of her like that. I was always the one who sent them running.”

“That’s it,” Kanna posited, “If you aren’t already a certified badass, Reyna, I’ll make it happen.”

I waved it off and chuckled as Mugi released my arm and continued walking beside me. She could’ve stayed like that for longer, if she wanted to.

After what should’ve been a short stroll, we arrived at the bathhouse. Kanna led us in, pushing the sliding door aside for us to file in, then closing it.

“Four, ladies side, please,” Midori stated to the older gentleman behind the central stand, pulling out her wallet and handing off the fee.

The man scanned our group, his eyes training on my arms. He continued to suspiciously squint my way until Midori caught on.

“Oh, she’s an American, no worries,” she elaborated, promptly putting the owner at ease.

“Enjoy,” he replied, counting the bills, handing Midori our tokens, and motioning towards the pink door.

At the prompt, we pushed through the entrance, coming upon the locker room, or whatever you would call this room. Midori then distributed the tokens, then we moved together towards the lockers with our numbers on them.

As we disrobed, I suddenly became acutely aware of Mugi right next to me. It became increasingly more and more difficult to keep my eyes to myself, before she spoke.

“Reyna-chan,” she whispered, “I must make a confession, from one tattooed person to another.”

Sano’s words from the night before rang in my head, remembering what I was about to see.

“You have a tattoo?” I played dumb, “Where?”

“Promise not to laugh at it, please.”

I tilted my head, becoming even more curious, “I’ll do my best.”

She nodded with cheeks of crimson, suspensefully unbuttoning her dress. I tried my best to appear less interested than I honestly was by continuing to sequentially remove my own clothes as she did so. Finally, she shrugged off the dress and pushed her bra up, revealing the words “FUWA FUWA” in latin characters nestled right underneath her bust.

“Well, are they?”

“Reyna-chan!”

She bashfully wrapped her arms around herself and turned away as I cracked myself up.

“Eye for an eye,” I recited as I stored my shorts, “I have one there too, want to see it?”

“Okay,” she turned around, still blushing.

As I pulled off my shirt, I was immediately reminded that I was coated in hickeys.

Shit. How the fuck did I forget that?

By some miracle of god, Mugi paid them no mind as her eyes were trained on the words underneath my own breasts.

“Exit Music?” she read it aloud, “What does it mean?”

“It’s a song,” I elaborated as I caught Kanna’s surprised eyes travelling up my stomach and to my neck. Welp, she noticed.

“Reyna! Did you get into a fight?” she gawked, her eyes now somewhat uncomfortably maintaining their motion up and down my torso.

“They’re a parting gift, from before I left home on Saturday,” I dishonestly indicated, recognising that she knew the marks weren’t there on Sunday when we were here last and praying that she didn’t call me out.

She put her hand to her chin in contemplation before resuming undressing, “I don’t know how I didn’t notice them last time. Oh well.”

As I internally let out a relieved sigh, I caught Midori’s suspicious gaze before she looked away after noticing that I noticed her staring.

“You sure like to decorate your body, Reyna-chan,” Mugi observed, eyeing my multiple tattoos and letting out a gasp when I removed my bra.

“It’s fun,” I brushed it off, pretending she wasn’t totally staring at my nipple piercings.

“But doesn’t it hurt,” she muttered, putting an arm to her own chest in an outward expression of empathetic pain, “Especially those?”

“These,” I poked my left piercing, “Were the result of losing a bet.”

“That’s an extreme bet,” Midori tossed in her two cents, already towelled up and ready to head in.

“Eh, it wasn’t that bad.”

Realising I was behind, I finished disrobing, tied my ponytail into a rough bun, wrapped myself in my towel, and grabbed the complementary bucket of soap bottles for myself and Mugi. Now all prepared, we walked through the entrance in unison, going through the motions of the pre-rinse side by side. As we scrubbed, I occasionally caught glances from Mugi, aimed at my back. I wondered if she had noticed my scars, but didn’t feel comfortable asking about them. In either case, we concluded our rinses at relatively the same time, proceeding to place our towels on the numbered hooks and take a dip.

As we all let out a satisfied exhale upon immersing ourselves in the tubs, it hit me how intensely tired I was. I had blocked out the memories of my sleepover with Sano almost immediately after I made them, so I couldn’t recall how much sleep I had actually gotten.

However, I clearly wasn’t nearly as tired as Mugi, as she fell asleep within minutes of us getting in the water, leaning her head on my shoulder once more. Noticing this, Kanna formed a rectangle with her fingers around Mugi and I, looking through it intently.

I smirked at her strange mannerisms, then leaned my head back on the edge of the tub, losing myself in the moment.

Even though I was playing all of my cards right, I couldn’t help but feel an immense amount of guilt oppressively weighing down on me. Whether it was completely consensual or not, I had sex with Sano just last night, and now I was essentially on a date with Mugi. It reeked of the Reyna I had sworn to cast aside in April. I thought I was above playing with people’s emotions now, but Sano burned the idea into my head that my actions were in the wrong.

“ _If you can cheat on Olivia, you can cheat on Mugi, too.”_

Not wanting to spoil my good mood any longer, I began to quietly sing the first song that came to mind to myself.

“You gotta have, the right attitude,

You gotta have, strong karma,

You gotta be in touch with the spirit,

You gotta be in touch with yourself.”


	7. Woods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> My Love is a Stapler by HTT  
> Woods by Bon Iver
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains themes of trauma that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

————————————————————

_Sano Kairi Wears A Mask_

_————————————————————_

“Kirakira hikaru negaigoto mo,

Guchagucha hetaru nayamigoto mo.

Souda hocchikisu de tojichaou.

Hajimari dake wa karui nori de,

Shiranai uchi ni atsuku natte.

Mou hari ga nandaka tooranai.

Rara, mata ashita.”

Jesus, that was bad.

When I first signed on, I had only agreed to sing backup vocals, but ever since our “HTT Classics” set list rolled out, I’d been forced into taking over all of Hirasawa’s vocal parts for those songs, which was most of them. After holding back my gags at how frilly these fucking lyrics were, I stood at attention, awaiting our critique.

“Sano-san,” Hatta bade through the glass, rubbing her chin.

“Yes,” I swallowed, suddenly feeling the nerves hit me.

“You need vocal training,” she bluntly demanded, “But as we’re on tour, we don’t have the time or resources to get you a trainer, so you’ll have to figure it out.”

“Hatta-sama, I can show her what I know,” Tsumugi interjected, “I have quite a few years of vocal training.”

Hatta glared past her glasses at the steadfast blonde, then grunted in affirmation. I glanced back at Tsumugi, who gave me an authentic smile. Turning back towards the booth, I sighed sadly, knowing these lessons with Tsumugi would likely cut into my time visiting home today.

“Sano-san,” Hatta continued, “I need you and Kotobuki-san to work on your harmonisation and take everything up the octave. _My Love is a Stapler_ was written for two distinct timbres in the vocals, and currently, you and Akiyama-san sound too similar. Try and emulate Hirasawa-san’s vocal performances more. That goes for all of the classics.”

I felt the collective wince at the mention of Hirasawa from behind me, causing me to bite my lip in frustration. What a fucking time to join.

“Tainaka-san,” Hatta resumed rotating her critiques around the room as I zoned out. 

This is not what I had in mind when I got scouted for this. It had been a month and some change since I took over, and we still weren’t gelling at all. I mean, four years is a long time to get used to one guitarist, but it was unfair as all hell to me. I was doing my best every single rep, but I always caught the most shit for our fuck-ups.

Perhaps I should cut my hair into a bob, dye it brown, then smash my head against the wall a few times and I’d basically be Hirasawa. Then maybe I wouldn’t get so much hate mail.

“Okay everyone,” Hatta called back all of our attention, “Please take all of this advisory into account over your break. We’ll meet back here tomorrow morning for one more rehearsal, then the Tokyo show is that evening. It will be our biggest show since Kyoto, so we can’t afford to be anything but spectacular. Thank you for your hard work.”

“Thank you for your advisory,” we chanted with a unison bow. As Hatta and her staff filed out of the booth, I felt Mio’s resentful stare burning into the side of my head. Once the band was all that remained, I turned to her and adopted a shit-eating grin.

“Do you need something, Akiyama-sama?” I flippantly addressed, tilting my head for effect.

“I understand you’re having a difficult time with taking over lead vocals on some of these songs,” she desperately tried to keep her cool, “But you can’t take off in tempo like that. Mugi and I are struggling to keep in time with you.”

I laughed, flushing out my pent-up anger in the most indignant way I could think of, “But Mio, I’m just listening back to Ritsu, like I’m supposed to do.”

She huffed before bouncing her eyes between me and the blue blur behind the drum set, “Ritsu has a tendency to speed up from time to time, yes, but by staying with her tempo, you two are snowballing the whole song. Stay with Mugi and I and we’ll bottom out.”

I looked to Ritsu for support, who simply shrugged at me, not knowing how to control her enraged girlfriend.

“Mio-chan,” Tsumugi chimed in, “Perhaps we need to address Ritsu’s tempo inconsistencies instead. Sano-san is doing her best with what we’re giving her.”

“The tempo never got this out of control with Yui, so Ritsu’s not the issue here.”

Oh, that’s it.

I yanked my guitar strap off my body and practically threw the instrument into its stand, shoving my hands into my pockets, “I understand. Nothing ever went wrong with Hirasawa ever, so the only explanation is that since I’m not compensating for everyone else’s shortcomings like she did, I’m the bitch at the picnic. I sincerely apologise. I will do my best to accommodate the lowest common denominator rather than do what I’ve been doing successfully for my entire music career.”

If looks could kill, Mio would’ve flayed me living by now. Ritsu was caught in the crossfire, likely feeling responsible for the conflict, and Tsumugi was an unwilling spectator, wanting to interject and help but not knowing how. As I stepped away and out of the studio, Ritsu rose from her stool to soothe Mio, receiving only an aftershock of her tantrum in the form of a straight arm of rejection.

I liked Ritsu, but she really needed to get her girl on a leash.

Crossing into the midday shining sky, I caught a glimpse of a familiar brunette waiting by the bus stop before I had to rub my eyes into adjusting to the lighting change.

“Kairi-chan, over here,” she called over, her animated waving catching the randoms around her off-guard. I smirked, wondering how long it had been since I saw Ushio.

“Ushio, you didn’t have to come here, I was just about to go to Hikarizaka to see you,” I giggled at her over-enthusiasm as I started off towards her. 

Before I could make it into the crosswalk, the door behind me shot open and an emerging hand grabbed me.

“Wait, Sano-san,” Tsumugi’s voice echoed out from behind me. I beckoned Ushio over as I turned around.

“Yes, Tsumugi?” I questioned, letting my rising irritation slip out without tempering it.

“I apologise for disturbing you, especially just after your disagreement with Mio-chan, but I wanted to discuss the vocal lessons with you before you disappeared.”

“Make it quick, I have people to see back home.”

“Of course,” she swiftly pulled her phone from her overall pocket, “If you’d like, I could assist you with just the points Hatta-sama focused on tonight at the hotel, after you return.”

I tilted my head at the thoughtfulness of her proposal, “That works for me, thank you.”

As Ushio arrived to our side of the crosswalk, she caught the attention of Tsumugi, who blushed and lightly smiled, “Oh my, your friend is very cute, Sano-san.”

Hearing Tsumugi’s voice, Ushio began politely fangirling and bowing profusely, “Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I’m Okazaki Ushio, uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Kotobuki-san! I love HTT’s music, especially _Rice is a Side Dish_.”

I pressed my hand into Ushio’s head and ruffled her hair, “How come you don’t fangirl like that for me? Don’t mind her, Tsumugi.”

As Ushio batted my hand away and began playfully pushing me, Tsumugi gained the special twinkle in her eye that was reserved for when she was thinking gay thoughts. Yeah, me too, Moogs.

“I’ll not bother you anymore, please enjoy your homecoming, Sano-san. I’ll see you tonight,” she bowed and retreated back into the studio.

“How could you embarrass me in front of a celebrity like that?” Ushio pouted, “I’m telling Sanae to not let you have any of her special bread!”

“Thank god, I dunno how you like that stuff,” I laughed at her attempt to get back at me, causing her to gasp in surprise.

“You don’t like Sanae’s bread? How? It’s so creative!”

“Exactly.”

As Ushio imparted her incredibly biased opinions on her grandmother’s baking, I thought about how weird it was gonna be to go back home after being away for so long. I knew Mom wouldn’t want to see me, but I was hoping to at least see Ushio’s parents, the Furukawa’s, Hanako and Shino, and maybe Uncle Youhei if he wasn’t busy. As much as I hated Hikarizaka and all of the memories associated with it, I missed so many of the people there. Hopefully a day with them would pull me out of my funk.

————————————————————

“Kairi-chan,”

I rotated back towards Ushio, who had insisted on joining me at my hotel for the night, much to her father’s dismay, but Nagisa gave her grace despite her husband’s wishes. Ushio always said I reminded her of her dad, but based on the stories everyone told me of their times in high school, I couldn’t disagree more. Tomoya sounded like a much better person than I’ve ever been.

“Kairi-chan,”

I snapped out of my trance, realising I was just staring at her in the elevator, “Sorry, just got lost in your eyes again.”

“You promised Dad that you wouldn’t flirt with me if I stayed over,” she called me out immediately, staying true to her daddy’s girl nature as always.

“It’s not my fault,” I pretended to pout for a moment, then circled back around, “Anyways, what did you want to say?”

“What did you call yourself in your chuunibyou phase again?”

My face became extremely hot as I shrunk down several inches in shame, “Silver Wolf. Wait, why are you asking? You plan on getting back at me for earlier when Tsumugi gets here?”

She put a contemplative finger to her mouth, “That’s a great idea, I didn’t think of that. But no, I was just remembering back then. That was the last time I remember seeing you this happy.”

I recoiled at her implication, then slouched into my corner of the elevator.

She went on, “Have you been doing any better? This was supposed to be your ‘big break’, right?”

“If you think I look happy, I probably shouldn’t tell you.”

“Well now you don’t look the slightest bit happy. Is it really that bad?”

The elevator doors glided open, exposing the full expanse of the tenth floor to the quaint safety we’d found.

I sighed in submission, then motioned her to follow, “I’ll tell you when we’re in the room. Their rooms are on this floor, too.”

As we ventured out, I dug through my pockets for my keycard, then examined it for the number of my room.

Ushio’s sudden exclamation nearly scared me out of my skin, “Oh, good evening, Kotobuki-san!”

“Okazaki-san, I wasn’t aware you were going to stay with Sano-san tonight,” Tsumugi responded with a strange ulterior tint in her words, holding a vase of camellias with a note tied to one of the stalks.

“Why do you have flowers?” I cut right to the chase, feeling suspicious as all hell.

“They were sent anonymously, but they’re for you,” she softly fiddled with the pedals as she elaborated.

I tilted my head, being caught completely off-guard. I didn’t want to be skeptical at the prospect of fan mail, if that’s what it was, but I couldn’t help it after all the shit I’d gotten since I was announced as the new guitarist.

“Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” I brushed it off, marching past both of them and unsealing the entrance to my room. I filed them in, then closed the door, not wanting to be surprised by anyone else tonight.

“Ushio,” I looked to her as we made our way further in, “Would you mind starting on dinner while Tsumugi and I knock out this quick vocal lesson?”

“No problem, should be easy,” she proclaimed, skipping over to the quaint kitchen as Tsumugi got situated on my bed, with her setting a binder between us.

I really hoped we could just blast through this. It had been way too long since I got to spend any amount of time not stressing out over the band, and even longer since I last hung out with Ushio. I knew Tsumugi had the best intentions for both me and the band by doing this, but the timing sucked ass.

Tsumugi‘s posture promptly puffed up as she took on an instructor persona, “I took the liberty of acquiring some isolated clips of Yui-chan’s past vocal performances in _My Love is a Stapler_ since any adjustments made to your singing in this song can easily apply to all the other classics. All you need to do is listen to her singing, figure out how the octave change will affect your sound, and put the two together.”

Gotta admit, I was impressed by how down-to-business she could get. This was a new side of Tsumugi for me. As she clicked on her first clip, I found myself getting weirdly sucked in, almost reminding me of the summer tour last year. Just take instructions and apply.

————————————————————

“Kirakira hikaru negaigoto mo,

Guchagucha hetaru nayamigoto mo.

Souda hocchikisu de tojichaou.

Hajimari dake wa karui nori de,

Shiranai uchi ni atsuku natte.

Mou hari ga nandaka tooranai.

Rara, mata ashita.”

Tsumugi telepathically sensed my incoming coughing fit, passing a water bottle to me a good second or two before it bursted out.

“The coughing is caused by unnecessary tension, just relax more and not only will it feel better, it will sound better,” she directed, glancing between her score and me. This is the most one-on-one time I had gotten with her, and somehow, she was becoming increasingly less bothersome. I was almost enjoying myself.

“The pizza is ready,” Ushio announced, searching the kitchen for any kind of complementary dishes, “Uh, do you mind eating from the box?”

I giggled to myself at her bumbling, shifting out of my attentive posture and slouching, “I think we’ll be fine with that, right?”

Tsumugi had been overwhelmed by the enchanting scent of ready-to-bake pizza and been transported into her own little world. As a courtesy, I closed her binder and moved it out of the way, then waved in front of her eyes. Her trance was then dissolved and she shamefully receded, earning another giggle from me.

“Kairi-chan,” Ushio imparted, “You two go ahead and start eating, I really want to check out the bathhouse.”

“Okay, we’ll join you in a bit,” I returned, giving her a cautionary point, “Don’t accidentally wander into the coed baths, your father would kill me.”

“I won’t! I’m not that dumb.”

“You admit you’re dumb?”

“Jerk,” she playfully pouted as she slipped into her shoes, “See you two in a bit.”

As she slinked out the door, Tsumugi and I rose from our stations and made an eager beeline for the pizza. I decided to throw caution to the wind, putting the pizza back into its box, folding and tearing where necessary, and bringing it to the bed to relax and chow down.

We shared a blessing, then removed our preferred slices and began munching away. As the near silence of the room set in, I began to grow uneasy, realising how little I actually knew about Tsumugi beside what I had gleaned from our band restaurant visits, playing third wheel.

“Sano-san,” Tsumugi set down her slice, “I was also hoping to speak with you about how you’re taking to the band. I know you haven’t had the most welcoming reception, and I sincerely apologise for that. Mio-chan has been behaving strangely since Yui-chan left, so I don’t think it’s you.”

And just when I thought I was starting to like her.

“None of that’s any of my problem,” my pleasant mood shattered, “I sincerely don’t care, at this point I’m just sticking around until the tour is over, then you three can go back to wallowing and leaving me out of it.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Yes, Yui-chain’s departure was difficult for us, but I can’t determine why everyone is making that your problem.”

“Why do you care, Tsumugi?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why can’t you just sit on the sidelines and let it happen? It’ll be in the past in less than two months, so just sit back and let me be the villain.”

“Because I can tell you’re not the villain.”

I blasted out from my seat and paced in frustration. All of this felt so goddamn familiar, but I couldn’t tell where from. I’d gotten all too used to being criticised on the basis of myself and my actions, so I don’t know what it was so upsetting for me not to be the problem. Was I really that used to being the bad guy?

“Sano-san,” she scooted further out onto the bed towards me, “You’re hurting too, aren’t you? I want to help you.”

“You can’t!” I shouted, promptly realising my volume and coming back down, “You can’t. Mom couldn’t, Uncle Youhei couldn’t, fuck’s sake, even Ushio couldn’t. Just let me be, Tsumugi. Mio can hate me all she wants.”

“I don’t want you two to hate each other, though,” she continued in spite of me, “Sano-san, if—”

“Please don’t call me Sano right now,” I blurted out, letting my resentment for that name come out.

“Kairi-san, then?” she questioned. I didn’t have to look to know she had a maternal look of concern on her face, and I knew I couldn’t look if I wanted to stay pissed.

“Not that, either.”

“Then what?”

My mind was travelling a mile a minute. I couldn’t sort out any of my thoughts, and I didn’t want to let Tsumugi in to anything she didn’t need to know. If she was any bit truthfully concerned about me based on what little she knew about me, then…

“Sakagami,” I muttered, realising what I had to do, “That’s my mother’s family name. I stopped using it after she kicked me out, but I hate who I’ve become as Sano Kairi.”

I peered at her through the corner of my eye, seeing that she had taken the bait, “Sakagami-san, please let me talk to Mio-chan tomorrow about everything, and perhaps we can come to an understanding and try to enjoy the last weeks of tour together, as a band.”

“Mugi,” I locked eyes with her, “Why do you care about me?”

“Because I want to help this time.”

Her eyes shone with a vulnerable sadness. Whether it was empathy, her own traumas, or some of both, I wasn’t sure, but I knew that the killing blow was only a move away for both of us. I had to strike first.

I shoved everything shitty that’s ever happened to me into my head at once, forcing my eyes to well up. Once the first tear had fallen, I knelt down onto the bed, letting her come to me in an embrace that I knew she’d go for.

I wasn’t going to let my mask be torn off by her, or anyone else, ever again. If I had to play dirty to ensure that, I would do so in a heartbeat. I set my arms around her waist, feeling her quiver at the touch. Knowing I was in range, I brushed my cheek against her shoulder, my lips ‘accidentally’ gliding across her neck.

“How can I thank you, Mugi?”

As I brought my face around to hers, I locked eyes with her once more, seeing the yuri goggles were on. She didn’t say a word, but she trembled at every touch as her eyes darted around, undoubtedly feeling both eager and guilty.

I held back my urge to smile victoriously, “I think I know.”

Pressing my lips to hers, I kicked her king off the board, securing victory. As her inhibitions vanished, she threw herself into the gay fantasy of her dreams and took me with her.

————————————————————

My head felt like it really had been smashed against a wall a few times. Couldn’t tell if it was the nicotine, the post-coital aches, or both.

I always appreciated hotels and apartments with a balcony. Leaning on the cold, iron bars and hanging off into the night sky always made me feel like I was at the entrance to the universe. When I thought about how small I was, I could almost convince myself that being a terrible person didn’t matter.

As I took the last drag of my cigarette, the glass door behind me slid open, sending a wave of cool air conditioning out that slammed into me. Ushio emerged, closing the pane and taking her place next to me, holding a cup of tea.

“You stink,” she commented, taking a sip as she surveyed the stars.

“I bet,” I replied, flicking the butt into the ashtray on the compact, metal-wicker table behind us.

“You did it again, didn’t you?”

I shifted apprehensively, twirling my hair around my now free pointer finger. I always hated talking about this stuff with Ushio. Regardless of her being my best friend or not, or if we were twenty now, she still seemed too innocent, too pure. 

“Have I told you about my weird memories?”

“Yes,” I sighed, setting my chin onto the railing, “You ask me that every time you bring them up.”

“I’m gonna tell you about them again, then,” she maintained. I reached for another cigarette, knowing this would probably take a while.

“Go ahead.”

“For some reason, whenever I try to remember anything about life with my mother before I turned six, I can’t. It’s almost as if she randomly re-appeared out of nowhere one day, but it still strangely felt like she had always been there. I remember hearing about her, asking Dad about her, and missing her, but up until my sixth birthday, it was as if she had died. It wasn’t until I saw Mom’s second senior-year theatre show and talked to Aunt Ichinose about it all that it made any sense, and since then, I’ve believed that our actions and intentions have much further reaching consequences than we realise, in this world or in others.”

“Okay.”

“I know being disowned was hard for you, Kairi-chan, and despite all the support you get from home, nothing can fill the hole that your father left when he disappeared and your mother left when she gave up on you. But you can’t keep doing all of this to yourself and others. You can’t let yourself be defined by what other people did to you, you have to decide who you want to be for yourself.”

“Okay.”

She spun around, taking her sights off the night sky and setting them on me, “Kairi-chan, are you listening?”

“Yes.”

Realising that she was talking with a brick wall, she mimicked my pose with the variation of hanging her arms past the railing. I knew what she was telling me was probably right, but I was too far gone. It was too late for me.

“I love you, Kairi-chan, but I really wish you’d stop punishing yourself because you think it’s the only option.”

“I wish I would too,” I took an extra long drag and blew out, wishing I could join the smoke and float away. It hurt to be cared for, but I couldn’t push Ushio away like everyone else. She was too important to me.

A thump on the balcony doors to our left caused us to jump back from the iron bars. We both shuffled to the far end of our balcony, trying to get a peek inside, seeing the curtains were closed. I extended my ear towards the other room, hearing Mio and Ritsu loudly conversing. Ushio picked up on their voices as well, then glanced at me.

“It really is that bad, huh?” she lamented, realising her favourite band was a limping, incontinent dog with cataracts, begging to be put down.

“That fight is probably because of me,” I groaned, knowing that this was gonna come back to bite me in the ass tomorrow.

As Ushio backed up and out of the balcony into the room, I was left alone with my thoughts and my cigarette.

I keep coming back to Reyna. I knew she was coming to Kyoto soon, but she couldn’t come soon enough. I hoped her presence would be just as therapeutic as it was on tour last season. I wished it was Olivia coming instead, but Reyna was good enough.

I removed my phone from my pocket, scrolled to my messages and searched my history for the playlist that Reyna sent me a year ago. I opened the link, then hit shuffle.

_I’m up in the woods,_

_I’m down on my mind._

_I’m buildin’ a stilt,_

_To slow down the time._

————————————————————

_Woods_

————————————————————

“So,” I plopped into the honestly way too fluffy pillows of my bed, “What is it, Moogs?”

“I’m not sure how much I like that nickname,” she laughed, gingerly sitting down at the foot of the mattress, “Please stick with Mugi-tan.”

“Roger. But seriously, what’s the news?”

She shifted in her seat, her downcast expression clueing me in that this was most likely going to be about HTT, once again.

“If you’re going to be spending more time with Sano-san,” she weakly divulged, “You should know more about how she was involved in the band’s breakup.”

Setting my arms behind my head, I stretched out my legs and settled in, “She was the replacement guitarist when Yui left, right?”

“Correct. She joined us very shortly after Yui-chan’s departure, but it took awhile for her habits to factor into our split. At first, we were all just pleased to have a new guitarist and vocalist, but we all knew that it wouldn’t be the same without Yui-chan, and it wasn’t. Sano-san was always low energy, only contributing negatively to our dynamic. She and Mio-chan fought a number of times, but her and Ricchan got along really well, which ended up driving a wedge between the two of them.”

“I was wondering how those two broke up,” I commented, recalling their lovey-dovey dynamic on the bus ride, “Did Sano do anything else to contribute to the breakup, or was it just those two disagreeing about her?”

Mugi’s eyes met mine for a moment, then shamefully drifted back to the floor, “She, uh… she contributed indirectly. One night, before our Tokyo show in May, I went to her hotel room to give her vocal tutoring. I only wanted to try to help her get along with Mio, but I upset her, and she…”

She grabbed at her skirt, pressing her chin into her chest. After a solemn moment of trembling, the waterworks began. I yanked myself out of the pillows and rushed to her side, turning her around and taking her into my arms, feeling my heart sink as her tears soaked into my shoulder. I squeezed tighter, wishing I could make it stop, but not knowing how.

“I’m so sorry,” Mugi mumbled into my ponytail, “I just wanted to help, I never wanted—”

“Mugi-tan, please,” I soothed, repositioning my right leg over my left, “You don’t have to say anymore. It’s okay, I know you only wanted to help.”

“Reyna-chan, I…” she gasped through the streams, “I made love with Sano-san. She— she kissed me after her breakdown, and… I don’t know what came over me. I felt so ashamed, so incorrect. I went to Mio, and, and…”

“It’s okay, Mugi-tan,” I cradled her head, silently wishing she hadn’t told me that last part. Outwardly, I did everything in my power to comfort the sobbing blonde, but internally, I kicked myself over and over again. 

What the hell had I gotten myself into?

How did I get so entangled into this melodramatic mess? And why did I care so much? Did I feel partly responsible? Was all of this striking too many chords with me? Is this what I did to Haley? To Olivia? Was I just as bad as Sano, and this was my test to see if I could repent? The questions continued pouring into my head despite finally receiving an answer.

This seemed like it would be the perfect opportunity to tell her the same, but I couldn’t. Not yet. Not now. She needed me to be strong, I couldn’t show her I was just as weak.

“I’m sorry, Reyna-chan,” she began to calm down, her tears slowing and her gasps becoming less and less frequent, “I just want you to be careful around Sano-san. She is manipulative, and insecure, and—”

“Whether or not that’s the case, she’s settled in now,” I released the embrace somewhat and met Mugi’s eyes, “At least until we get Houkago Tea Time back together.”

“Shouldn’t we tell Oumae-san and Kousaka-san?”

“No,” I responded too quickly for comfort, struggling to come up with an excuse for doing so, “I don’t think they’d take to that very well. It could hurt their desire to stick with the idea of the jazz combo.”

“Perhaps,” she resigned, wiping away the last of her tears.

Whose ass were you really covering there, Reyna? You’re just afraid of Sano spilling the beans on how shitty you are.

“Reyna-chan,” she mumbled, averting her eyes, “May I stay with you for the night? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Of course,” I scooted back, keeping my hands on her shoulders, “I can sleep on the couch and you can take my—“

“That’s no good. I’ll be all alone in here.”

“Well, I don’t have an air mattress or a futon to set up in here.”

“We could,” she shimmied, her cheeks warming up, “We could share this bed, if that’s alright with you.”

No, Reyna. Too soon.

“Okay, yeah.”

Fuck it. I hate me.

I retracted my hands and set them in my lap in an accidental external tell of my chagrin, “I’m gonna go hang out in the living room with Midori and Kanna for another hour or so, do you want to join us?”

“I’m fairly exhausted,” she expressed, “If you don’t mind, I might attempt to get to sleep now. Do you have any night clothes I could borrow?”

I rose from my seat and journeyed over to my closet, “I don’t have any traditional pajamas, but I have some extra-large shirts and athletic shorts.”

“I’m not sure your shorts would fit me,” she quietly added, her eyes trained on my thighs. I glanced between them and then looked to hers. There was definitely a disparity there, huh.

“Are you okay with just your underwear under the shirt? My sheets are thick enough,” I asked, striving to sound like I wasn’t suggesting it out of interest.

“Then just a shirt should do fine.”

At that queue, I tugged my show shirt from two years ago off of its hangar and passed it to her, “I’ll try to be quiet coming back in, please go ahead and get some rest, Mugi-tan.”

“I’ll try,” she warmly smiled as I reached for the door, “And thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

I kept my blushing face out of her sight, “Of course. Goodnight, Mugi-tan.”

“Goodnight, Reyna-rin.”

Yeah, I was in trouble.

As I passed into the hallway, the developments of tonight weighed on me. I had really, _really_ hoped that Sano’s addition to my growing circle would’ve been for the better, but I now realise it has undeniably been for the worst. I saw so much of myself in her, and good fucking god was that a wakeup call to end all wakeup calls.

I didn’t want to hurt Mugi like I hurt Gabi, or Haley, or most importantly, Olivia. I had to do better, I just didn’t know how.

————————————————————

“Marten, up and at ‘em, soldier!”

I shot awake, hurling myself out of my seat and assuming a stance at attention, earning a symphony of laughter to my right. I checked out my surroundings, realising I had fallen asleep during the movie, with the credits already rolling and everyone already on the stairs, ready to leave.

“Fuck, what happened with the hot chick?” I blurted out, deciding that I was still half asleep.

“She was on the Dark Side all along,” Mia informed from around Alex, “She called Darth Maul and she left without Han.”

“Bullshit, really? That sucks.”

“That’s bullshit, this is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church,” Alex went into her own little world, making another vague reference that only I was sure to get.

“Here’s ninety-five reasons why,” Olivia finished the quote, earning a victory cheer from Alex. As we had a giggle at the absurdity, the five of us ventured down the stairs and out into the hallway, promptly getting lost trying to find the exit.

“How was your first American theatre experience, Sano?” Mia inquired, leaning forward past Liv.

The winter-haired prodigy put a finger to her mask in contemplation, then spoke a single garbled word, “Lame.”

“Wait,” I questioned, “Why is Sano wearing a respirator?”

“Ah, boo. We’ll pick a better movie next free day,” Alex promised, ignoring my inquiry as I shoved the doors open, with the San Antonio sun wasting no time in reminding us how much it sucked.

Olivia threw in her two cents, “I dunno, I thought it was pretty good.”

“Uh oh,” Mia jested, running her thumbs under her overall straps, “Is it time for one of Liv’s famous controversial opinions?”

“I don’t understand why that would be a controversial opinion. It’s an expansion on two characters that we all already know and love, with some quirky re-interpretations of others in the case of Donald Glover.”

“He’s so hot,” Alex was practically drooling, her eyes glazing over.

“Hetero,” I jabbed, “But yeah, he is pretty fuckin’ hot. I’d be tempted to switch teams for him.”

“Switch teams? I didn’t realise you were aligned one way or the other,” Mia remarked.

“She’s not,” Olivia contributed, sending me an unsavoury look. I brushed it off, wanting to actually enjoy this free-day and not accepting any negative vibes.

Alex pushed past Liv’s passive-aggression as well, sheepishly re-tying her immense ponytail, “Anyway, I’m glad we can all agree he’s a smokeshow.”

“Nope,” Sano chimed in, “Beard.”

“Don’t like beards, Sano?”

She shook her head, probably trying to think of more words to say but not finding any. Must be tough to understand a language but barely be able to speak it.

“Okay, but seriously,” I demanded, “Why is Sano wearing a respirator? What am I missing here?”

Once again, no one acknowledged my question, with Mia continuing on, “Beards are my favourite part, personally. Especially Ortega’s. Oof, would love to hold onto that beard.”

“Mia, gross. That’s my tech,” Alex reprimanded, grimacing at the bespectacled hipster.

“He’s on brass staff, I’m on volunteer staff, it’s fair game,” she boasted, with pretty much everyone else sighing at her implication that their relationship would be any kind of okay.

I circled behind Alex, criticising Mia from behind, “Yeah, and he’s what, twenty-nine? Your dad would fucking kill him, then you.”

“Papa Shields doesn’t have to know a thing.”

“Where are we going,” Olivia beseeched, realising we were just aimlessly wandering back towards the River Walk.

We all looked to Alex, who was leading our gathering by a few feet. She was quickly overwhelmed by our unified gaze and shrugged, causing us the rest of us to groan.

“It’s only my third day out here, I dunno,” she kicked at the dust below.

“Clean it up, Vista,” I teased, pulling out my phone and scrolling through my album for the map I saved.

“Why do you two do always have to speak in references,” Liv moved away from the pack and leaned on one of the roadside bollards.

“Why not? It’s fun.”

“That’s a familiar excuse.”

As I clenched my fist, Sano tilted her head at the two of us like she always did when we fought, letting us know that she was watching with intent. For some reason, that small motion always made me feel much worse about it, almost like fighting in front of a kid.

“Not today,” Mia stepped between us, “It’s a free day, we’re gonna enjoy ourselves. Liv, quit eggin’ Reyna on. Reyna, quit feedin’ her. Christ, you two.”

“Yes, Mamma Mia,” I resigned, thankful for her intervention.

Liv flicked her hair behind her back defiantly, then conceded as well, “Yes, Mamma Mia.”

“Damn right,” she nodded at us, then joined Alex in figuring where we were off to next.

“She’s still mad about Seaside, huh?” Sano interrogated, maliciously stepping towards me. As she neared, everything around us screamed to a halt, the sky adopted an ominous crimson hue, and our clothes began dissolving one by one.

I began panicking, trying to escape but being unable to move a single muscle, “How do you know about that?”

“It’s all anyone talked about on the brass bus for a week,” she whispered into my ear, her mask warping and distorting her voice, sending an alarmed chill down my spine, “Everyone knows how you dropped Gabi like a rock and crawled back to Olivia, even getting Erin in on the action. Christ, you’re disgusting. That’s my favourite part about you.”

My nose started to leak blood as she laid her frigid hands on me and caressed, pushing herself against me as she did so. As my eyes began shooting around in search of a way out, Mia began to morph into Reina, Alex into Kumiko, and Olivia into Mugi.

“You’ll do it again,” Sano started scraping her nails deep into my bare skin, drawing blood, “And again, and again, and again, until there’s no one left to drive away. Then, at last, it will finally just be you and me, alone.”

The sky melted into oblivion and the ground around us started collapsing in waves down into an infinitely-expanding pitch-black abyss. Before the destruction reached us, Sano removed her mask, revealing a frightening array of row after row of dagger teeth.

**“You’re mine now, and if you forget that, I’ll be sure to remind you.”**

As she sunk her hundreds of teeth into me, I shot back awake in my apartment in Kyoto, grasping my shoulder and sweating profusely. My abrupt shift from laying down to sitting upright woke Mugi from her slumber, causing her to sit up and put her left hand on my right shoulder.

“Reyna-rin, are you okay?” Mugi mumbled, clearly barely awake. I turned to her, witnessing her in my bed, wearing my shirt, and staring at me with her piercing concern. Each factor worked together in perfect harmony to make me feel even worse.

_“You’ll do it again, and again, and again, and again, until there’s no one left to drive away.”_

My head filled with flashes of everyone I’d wronged up to this point. My id desperately fought to make me as miserable as possible, convincing me that there was no way out. My superego screamed in, reminding me that it was never too late to be better. I dug at my mind, clutching my temples on both sides as my eyes began to flood. 

Mugi promptly noticed and pulled me into an embrace, only incurring more conflict and causing the tears to flow harder. I didn’t deserve this. She would regret this.

I don’t want to hurt her too. I won’t.


	8. La Ballade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> La Ballade by Cybelle
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

“Those triple-tonguing passages are tough,” Kumiko commented through an exhausted sigh, leaning nearly too far back into her chair with Reina having to catch it right before she fell.

“Just a few weeks of repping it and slowly raising the tempo, and it should be mint,” Sano declared, slapping a hand on my left shoulder, “Right, Reyna-chan?”

Of course she’d slap the same shoulder Dream Sano dug her teeth into. I remained silent, letting the cool metal of my tuba seep into my cheek. Of all the crazy shit life wanted to throw at me right now, why on god’s green earth was triple-tonguing the next in line after being seduced and blackmailed?

“Reyna,” Reina called from across our circle of chairs, “You feeling okay?”

“I got jack shit for sleep last night,” I replied, “Had a really fucked-up nightmare and couldn’t really fall back asleep after that.”

“What was the nightmare?” Kumiko inquired, setting her euphonium down in her lap and reaching for a water bottle.

“This bitch bit me,” I pointed directly at Sano, my finger pushing into her cheek.

She furrowed her brow at me, leaving my finger where it was, “What? Why’d I bite you?”

“You tell me. It still hurts.”

I gave the least amount of fucks I’d ever given today. Between the emotional whiplash of yesterday, the mental battering of last night, and my upcoming meeting with Hayashi and Mio, life was trying too hard to make me miserable right now, and frankly, I didn’t much care for it. This shit was getting old  _ fast _ , and if it was my problem, it was Sano’s problem too.

“You two seem to be really good friends,” Kumiko observed incorrectly, “Did you really only march one season together?”

“That’s right, though we only spent about half the season together,” Sano elaborated, serving me a mischievous side-eye, “I was good friends with a common acquaintance for the whole season, but it wasn’t until after—”

“Yeah,” I cut her off, returning her gaze with a venomous glare, “That’s enough of that.”

Kumiko curiously tilted her head at my interruption, while Reina suspiciously locked eyes with me, undoubtedly trying to read my inner dialogue. Good luck, I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore.

“Was this common acquaintance Olivia?” Reina prodded, idling with the spit valves of her trumpet.

No, Reina. Bad time to be inquisitive.

Sano adopted a frisky smirk, “That’s right, Olivia Hago. I used to believe that redheads had no souls, but she proved me wrong at every turn.”

Reina checked my eyes for my response once more, seeing just my apathetic stare settling on the lonely door-stop directly ahead.

“I guess I feel the same,” she drove the topic away, scooting her chair slightly closer to Kumiko.

Raising an eyebrow at the comment, Kumiko pulled a lock forward to examine it, “I’m not a redhead.”

“Close enough.”

Their previously adorable affection only caused me more grief after Sano had snaked thoughts of Olivia into my head. Did she have a higher plot here, or was her general goal just to make me feel like garbage constantly? I  _ still _ couldn’t pin her down.

“Reyna,” Reina came back around, “Your triple-tonguing is still pretty forced. Would you be able to do any dexterity exercises before tomorrow to address it?”

“I could give you a few pointers,” Sano quietly suggested. 

I ignored her, “Yeah, I’ll do that. We had a few triple-tonguing sequences last season, I’ll see if I can remember the exercises we did for that.”

“By the way,” Sano shot her hand up, “I’m not feeling as comfortable with the French horn, so I was going to get my hands on a mellophone and see if that would end up being cleaner.”

“You already sound great on the French horn, though,” Kumiko remarked, “Is it really that necessary?”

“I know for a fact I’ll sound better on a mello. I only got the Toss A Coin solo last season after I re-auditioned for it on mellophone.”

I turned to her in disbelief, “How are you even gonna get your hands on one? Thinking of buying one?”

“I don’t have to,” she continued, arrogantly flicking back her ponytail, “I was gonna ask Aimachi to borrow one. I was the mello section leader there two years ago, after all. I could probably get a contra for you too, if you wanted one.”

Fuck, that was actually a good offer.

“Yeah, okay. What’s the catch?”

“I’ll tell you later,” she sent an unsavoury wink.

Reina cradled her chin in thought, “That could actually be an interesting difference in timbre if we all played bell-front instruments. Could you grab a marching euphonium for Kumiko as well?”

I shot up a hand of denial at the idea, “If she’s not used to holding that much instrument in front of her, she should probably stick with either a marching baritone or what she already has.”

“What, Rey-san,” Kumiko squinted at me, “Think I’m not strong enough for a marching euph? It can’t be that heavy.”

I pulled up my sleeve and flexed, “I’ve never touched a dumbbell in my life.”

She mimicked my pose, becoming quickly disheartened by the size disparity in our biceps, “Okay, I guess a baritone is fine.”

Sano chimed in, “That’s hardly fair, comparing a contra player’s biceps to a concert euph’s.”

“Check again, Sano,” I corrected her, flexing once more, “I had these before drum corps, when I marched euph in high school.”

“Alright, Chadna. Roll your sleeves down, we get it,” Reina interjected with a self-satisfied smile.

“Bet you feel real good about yourself for remembering that one, huh.”

Sano snickered, “I like that one, I’ll keep that around.”

“Call me a Chad all you want, bimbo,” I retorted, accidentally letting my eyes drift down to the reason I called her a bimbo.

We all shared a giggle before I realised how comfortable I was getting and immediately feeling guilty for it. Why was I letting Sano have her cake and eat it too?

Would that be easier?

“Okay,” Reina reeled us back in, placing a hand on the metronome, “Let’s get a few more reps in before we have to leave for class.”

Grunting in unison, we brought our instruments back up and sat at ready. Reina clicked the button, giving me eight clicks at forty clicks below tempo before I took off once more, letting my fingers and air do all of the thinking as my eyes ran through the page.

Fucking hell, how were we gonna do this at one-twenty? It was already tough at eighty.

————————————————————

“It’s this building, at the end of the street,” Hayashi pointed out, quickly being terrified by the imbalance of outstretching one arm and grabbing me tighter.

I swear, motorcycles are five times more fun to drive with an attractive passenger. 

As we pulled into the parking lot, I took in the complete view of the high-rise, wondering where the hell a studio would be in such an immense building. I didn’t know who Mio’s agent was, but they definitely pulled out all of the stops for their clients. Regardless of where in the skyscraper the studio was, it couldn’t have been cheap to rent out.

Park, kickstand, key, dismount. As much fun as it was to walk everywhere, I was still addicted to everything about biking. Really missed my Suzuki back home, but this Honda did the job.

Dressing down, I looked to Hayashi, who displayed just the same collection of symptoms of someone who’d never been on a motorcycle before.

“You gonna be okay, Hayashi-san?” I politely inquired, donning my hat and pulling my ponytail through before throwing my gear into the trunk.

“Yes, just a moment,” she put a hand to the bike, regaining her balance, “I’m just glad I decided not to wear a dress today.”

I giggled to myself, recalling the nightmare that was getting to prom my senior year, “Yeah, sorry I didn’t warn you beforehand. Glad you ended up prepared anyways.”

“Okay,” she declared, straightening her legs and reminding me how miraculously tall she was, “I think I’m good now. Let’s head in.”

“Let’s.”

After shutting and locking the trunk, we joined forces and marched together around the corner and into the main atrium of the building, seeing a lone fellow standing behind an outstretched desk. As we approached, he peered past his monitor to stare us down.

“Hello, what can I do for you,” he questioned in a somewhat condescending tone, eyeing my tattoos.

Hayashi dug through her purse for a moment, removing a small card, “We’re here for the Akiyama Mio photoshoot. She’s my plus one. Please don’t be alarmed by her tattoos, she’s an American.”

His attitude quickly changed upon seeing the card, transitioning from suspicion to hospitality, “Oh yes, you’ll find them on the twentieth floor. Please enjoy your visit.”

Twentieth floor? Fucking hell, Mio, you’re in the big leagues.

“Thank you,” she replied, heading towards the elevators to our right, with me following suit, feeling somewhat self-conscious. I really needed to be more aware of my tattoos while here, didn’t I?

As we stepped into the next available elevator and clicked the button for the twentieth floor, I prepared for the worst. All things considered, I had way too much luck convincing everyone to get on board with Mugi’s plan to reconvene. At this point, it was better to go in with low expectations and be ready to beg forgiveness later.

“It must be difficult, being treated like that,” Hayashi relayed, scanning my arms through the corner of her eye, “Being associated with criminals just because of your choice of self-expression.”

“It’s no big deal, really,” I sighed, setting my hands behind my head and leaning on the wall, “It’s out of my control, and tattoos are pretty normal in the states. All of my friends back home have more than two each. It’s just an unfortunate difference in culture that I didn’t plan that well for.”

“I’m glad to hear you have such an optimistic view on it,” she warmly smiled.

“If you should be anything, it’s optimistic.”

As much as I fully believed that saying, I was noticeably terrible at putting it to practice. Not even a minute ago I was actively practicing pessimism. Oh well, everyone’s a walking contradiction, and that’s a saying I’ll stand by until I die.

After waiting what seemed like an eternity, the elevator doors glided open, treating us to the muffled tones of  _ La Ballade _ down the hall. While I instantly respected the music taste of whoever was in charge of the tunes in the studio, the song gave me a creeping sensation of dread. I never looked into the actual lyrics, but the general vibe of the song always put me in a very specific mood. A mood I didn’t want to be in when talking to Mio.

“Is that French?” Hayashi questioned as we journeyed down towards the studio door.

“Sure is,” I confirmed, gaining goosebumps at the notion that my ears weren’t lying to me.

Reaching the green door with Mio’s modelling poster on it, I found myself unable to grab the handle out of apprehension. Instead, Hayashi stepped past me and tugged the handle, providing us with the full musical experience.

_ Dans cette terre inconnue, _

_ Règne la neige éternelle, où nous nous endormons. _

_ Dans cette terre inconnue, _

_ Règne la neige éternelle, et je m'y endormirai. _

__ Rounding yet another corner, we finally witnessed the unadulterated view of the photoshoot. An array of people with cameras to their faces stood in the centre, all lenses trained on Mio, who professionally transitioned from seductive pose to seductive pose, clad in only high-end lingerie.

Oh, so she’s one of those models. The extreme jump from apparently being a skittish, easily embarrassed teenager to a lingerie model as an adult  _ must  _ have been undercut by some seriously ulterior motives.

Between us and the circus across the room stood a quaint gathering of business suits, with the central pant suit being a likely mid-thirties woman who kept a watchful eye on Mio until we caught her attention by existing. She waved off her entourage and beckoned for us to meet her.

“Hayashi-san, good to see you again,” the woman spoke in exactly the manner I expected, promptly turning her attention to me, “Who’s this you’ve brought with you?”

“This is Reyna Marten, an American transfer student to Yamada University and a friend of… a friend of Mio and I,” she explained as I bowed, “Reyna, this is Yoshida-san, Mio’s agent.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” she gave a less than enthusiastic bow, making sure to keep Mio in the corner of her eye.

“Pleasure to meet you as well,” I compensated for her lack of enthusiasm by bowing with extra humility, keeping my arms behind my back for as long as I could.

“Well, you two,” Yoshida began, “If you’re here to speak with Akiyama-san, go ahead and wait in the dressing room. She’s about to get a break while I find out why Ueno-san is giving me such an attitude about this wardrobe malfunction.”

“Yes, ma’am. Good to see you again,” Hayashi bowed and followed the directions, subtly motioning for me to do so as well.

Once we escaped earshot, Hayashi leaned in, “Yoshida-san is a great agent, but you don’t want to be around when she’s dealing with difficult associates.”

While I was curious to learn more about the type of agent Mio would trust, I nodded and continued on towards the dressing room with Hayashi, catching one last glance at Mio before we crossed the doorway. Good fuck, if there’s a higher power, they had this career path in mind when they designed her.

As we entered the room, we found ourselves walking in on a scrawny, freckled young woman with a shaggy pixie cut hunched over a complicated dress with a thread and needle. The sound of the door closing caused her to jump, her gaze finding us. 

“Oh, excuse me,” she laughed at her own alarm, “You must be Akiyama-san’s guests. Don’t mind me, one of the dresses tore right before she was supposed to model it. I’m just patching it up for her.”

“Don’t let us bother you then,” Hayashi respectfully bowed as we found some seats on the couch opposite of the mirrors.

She glanced up between her work and my arms, “I really like your tattoos. The colour work on your left arm is beautiful.”

I held back a grin, finally getting some positivity about my ink today, “Thank you, they’re my favourite ones I’ve gotten so far.”

She smiled as she sewed, “I’ve always wanted a tattoo or two, but my girlfriend isn’t the biggest fan of the idea.”

“In the end, you’ve gotta do what’s best for yourself,” I preached, realising I was probably reaching a little out of line.

“That’s good advice,” she replied, to my surprise, “I’m Sahara Miyoko, by the way. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Reyna Marten. Nice to meet you as well.”

Just after we finished our introductions, the door swung open, with Mio strutting in and Yoshida following behind.

“Sahara-san, how much longer will the fix take?” Yoshida interrogated, holding a phone some distance from her ear, clasping the microphone.

“I believe I just finished,” she nodded, rising to her feet. Hayashi’s eyes twinkled at the recognition of another who shared her height difficulties.

“Good, I need you to explain to Ueno-san why we aren’t responsible for the damage to the dress,” Yoshida contended, extending the phone to Sahara.

“Oh, goodness. Of course.”

As the pair passed out of the dressing room, Hayashi and I were left alone with Mio, who looked less than amused.

“Sachi,” she assessed, “Why is Reyna here?”

“I’ve come to you with a proposal, if I may,” I spoke entirely too properly, finding myself intimidated by the prospect of being glared at by a half-naked celebrity.

“If that’s so, Sachi, please give me and Reyna a moment.”

Hayashi sheepishly nodded, shuffling out of the room.

“What did Mugi have to do to convince you that this was a good idea?”

I slouched into the couch, probably overcompensating for my nerves, “While Mugi did want me to talk to you, I actually got the idea when I hung out with Hayashi-san, Ritsu, and Sano the other night.”

I caught a glimmer of hope cross Mio’s eye before she repelled it with a scoff, “I know you mean well, Reyna, but I guarantee that if you knew the whole story, you’d agree to let sleeping dogs lie.”

“It would be splendid if someone told me the whole story.”

“If neither Mugi nor Ritsu told you, I shouldn’t either.”

Oh, is that how it is?

“I don’t know what you did,” I started, “Because by Ritsu and Yui’s account, you and Mugi are somewhat at fault, but Ritsu was willing to hear out the idea of renconvening on the condition of an apology. I’ve gathered enough about how you feel about this whole situation to know that you’d take that opportunity. Well, it’s there. Please, take it. Not for Ritsu, or Mugi, or Yui, but for yourself.”

Mio’s indignant stance began to fade as she was likely considering the idea. In her eyes, I saw the same Mio that I observed while eavesdropping on Tuesday. Underneath her promiscuous, exhibitionist persona that she’d cultivated since the split, the bashful, caring Mio still existed, and she was trying to get out.

“All this time, I’ve been trying to find a solution,” she stated, slipping the mask back on, “You see, Reyna, I messed up. I didn’t accept Sano-san, which caused her to act out, which snowballed into every following event that led to the separation of Houkago Tea Time. I thought it was Ritsu. Why was she spending so much time with Sano when she knew how I felt about her? So, I got her back. Then I became addicted, addicted to who I could be. Who I thought I should be. I should be thanking Sano. If it weren’t for her doing what she did, I wouldn’t have done what I did and realised who Akiyama Mio was always supposed to be.”

She pulled the lingerie down past her chest before she went on, “You know, no one’s been able to compare to Ritsu. I tried Mugi, and she couldn’t decide between pillow princess and dominatrix. I tried Midori, and she barely knows where to start.”

I didn’t like where this was going.

Mio rotated towards me, an intense incongruence between her stare of desperation and her stance of conviction, “Maybe I’ll try you. You seem like you’d know your way around a girl’s body, like Ritsu did.”

I averted my eyes, focusing intently on the door-stop sequestered to my right as Mio climbed on top of me, ensnaring me with her unfairly firm thighs. Just as I knew I was about to break and let my hands think for themselves, my phone began to ring. Not caring who it was, my hand screamed from the couch into my pocket, clicking ‘answer’ and bringing the phone up to my ear.

“Hello?”

_ “Hey Reyna, this is Ritsu. I got your information from Sano.” _

__ Mio’s eyes began to widen with such an immense amount of remorse, I almost felt bad for picking up the phone here and now.

“Gotcha. What’s up? Do you need something?” I forced the shivers and stammers out of my speech while struggling to keep my eyes away from the perfect pair of tits hanging inches from my face.

_ “I wanted to know if we could meet up at Endless Eight in an hour or so. I wanted to talk to you a bit more about the supposed ‘talk it out’ session you’ve been planning.” _

__ “Of course, just let me know. Oh, you don’t mind if I bring Reina and her friend, do you? I had plans with them tonight and I’d hate to rain-check them.”

_ “Sounds great. Yeah, I’ll message you when I’m good to go.” _

__ “Sweet. See you then.”

_ “Right back at you.” _

As I slowly placed the phone at my side, I rolled my head the long way around to find Mio’s eyes. They were now downcast, an obvious conflict of ideals going on behind those steel-gray gems of hers.

I pulled my hat over my eyes as she dismounted and turned towards the dress, looking upon it with dejection, “Get my contact information from Yoshida-san and let me know when we’re meeting up. I have to get dressed for my next shoot.”

“Of course,” I mumbled, finding my way to my feet and stumbling over to the door, “I’ll keep in touch.”

As I slinked out of the door, I slammed my back into the wall and slid down, planting my ass on the ground and retreating into myself.

“Reyna-san,” Hayashi trotted over, “How did it go?”

“Yeah, she’ll come,” I sighed, clutching my temples.

Am I really that fucking weak? Why did it take so much willpower to resist doing something I knew would’ve been objectively wrong? I thought I was better than to get my beak wet with a girl who I was actively trying to get to apologise to her ex, but I guess the devil on my shoulder thought I was nowhere near above that. I really had to get my libido in check if I wanted to be better. For fuck’s sake, I’ve known that for years, but I’ve never been able to apply it. I really am that fucking weak.

Jesus Christ, it’s hard to not hate myself sometimes. Fuck it, all the time.

————————————————————

“Rey-san.”

The remaining bite of croquette nearly flew out of my hand at the sound of Kumiko to my left, with her once again catching me in the middle of a trance.

“I need to put a bell on you so you stop surprising me like that,” I laughed, gripping my snack a little harder from that point on.

“That’d be no fun,” she chuckled back, “Do you know when Reina is getting here?”

“What do you mean? I’m right here.”

She served me a hard ‘geh’ before reconvening, “Have you just been waiting here at the end of the market?”

“Yeah,” I resigned, hitching my foot on the groove in the wall behind me, “My meeting with Mio earlier was tough. Would’ve taken a soak to chill out but there wasn’t enough time.”

“Tough in any way that you can elaborate on?”

“Not if I don’t want to get in trouble for defamation,” I expressed, stuffing the last of my snack into my face.

She took position on the wall a respectable distance from me, “Fair enough. I don’t envy you, bringing friends back together is hard.”

I curiously cocked my head at her as I wiped my hands on my thighs, “Do you have experience in the field?”

“Kinda,” her shoulders shifted, recalling the tale, “I wasn’t a terribly big cog in the event, but in my freshman year of high school, I was around for a couple of my senpais trying to get two friends back together. It was really tough on everybody, and it was never completely fixed, but almost everyone ended up happy in the end.”

Almost everyone, huh?

Before I got a chance to pry on that detail, Reina strolled up into view, gussied up particularly nicer than when I saw her this morning. She was clad in a deep blue, frilled dress with a transparent window from neck to mid-chest. It struck me as the type of dress meant for a date.

Rude, Reina. I’m here, too.

“Geez, Reina,” Kumiko gained a rosy tint in her cheeks, “You still have that dress?”

“I wasn’t sure how nice of a place we were going to, so I decided to play it safe,” she dryly elaborated, halting right before us.

“If that’s playing it safe,” I teased, peeling myself off of the wall and feeling a twitch in my lower back, “Let me know when you’re going all out.”

Kumiko snickered at my commentary, “Oh trust me, you’ll know.”

“Whatever,” Reina huffed as she stepped off towards our destination without us, “Let’s not keep Tainaka waiting.”

Kumiko and I obediently followed, with the three of us forming up at the crosswalk just down the way.

“This river always reminded me of the one by Kitauji,” Kumiko reflected to Reina, “Don’t you think, Reina?”

“You mean the one where you and Tsukamoto yelled ‘I want to improve’ at each other?”

Kumiko huffed, crossing her arms, “Don’t say that name in my presence again, unless you want to end up in the river.”

“You’re just saying that because you want to see me all wet,” Reina taunted as we began the trek across the bridge.

“Reina!”

“Yes?” I replied, puckishly turning to Kumiko.

She caught on to the bit and sighed in surrender, “Very funny.”

“Where exactly are we headed anyways,” Reina inquired, making me wonder why she was leading the group.

At that realisation, I breezed past her and corrected our trajectory, “Endless Eight. It’s a café that Ritsu apparently likes to hang out at.”

I felt her brow furrow from behind me, “The cosplay café?”

“That’s the one.”

“Still feeling good about the fancy dress, Reina?” Kumiko jabbed.

“I know you are,” Reina quickly retorted, flicking her ponytail in Kumiko’s direction.

As they continued being endearingly flirty, I finally caught Endless Eight down the street from us, seeing Ritsu staring at her phone and having a smoke on the edge of the parking lot next door. Sano’s influence, most likely.

It wasn’t long after crossing the bridge when she spotted us approaching and waved us over, pocketing her phone and flicking her dart into the nearby ashtray-equipped trash can. Crossing the final street, we came up on her point of respite.

“Kousaka, it’s been a while,” she greeted complacently, “And Oumae-san, have you had any more luck with forming that jazz combo? Sorry I couldn’t help you out with it.”

“Not since we last spoke about it,” Kumiko relayed, “But we’re hoping to not have to worry about it soon.”

Ritsu awkwardly chuckled in realisation, “Right, my bad. Well, let’s head in. My stomach is killing me.”

At that, the four of us spun around towards the entrance and filed in, being greeted by a particularly slow day at the café. Only a handful of guests were seated around the various tables and booths, with an even shorter supply of servers making their rounds.

At the podium stood a college-aged girl with an azure bob cut with two tiny pigtails adorned in what looked to be an Ouran High School uniform, but I couldn’t pin down which character she was meant to be specifically.

“Good evening, ladies. Will it just be the four of you joining us tonight?” she articulated in a cool, posh manner.

“Yeah,” Ritsu casually responded, motioning towards the opposite corner, “Could we grab one of the corner booths?”

“But of course, go right on ahead.”

Ritsu led on through the tight openings between tables, landing us in the very same table I found her in on Tuesday. Guess she had a favourite spot.

As we settled into our preferred seating arrangement, I noticed Kumiko’s eyes travelling around the room with passion. After tracing the path, I realised what she was so enthralled by.

“Window-shopping, Kumiko?” I mocked, with Reina snapping around to give her partner a skeptical glare.

“I’m just wondering how they made some of these outfits,” she elaborated, brushing off my projections, “I’m not familiar with many of the characters, but the attention to detail is really impressive.”

“How very innocent of you, Oumae-san,” Ritsu giggled as she joined in scanning the room.

Just as I was about to join them, a violet-haired girl in lengthy pigtails and a bright crimson mimic plug suit ventured up to our table, distributing our menus.

“Welcome to Endless Eight, or whatever. What drinks can I get for you tonight?” she played up the disinterested tsun, barely looking up from her pen and pad.

“I’ll do the weekly special,” Ritsu affirmed.

“Just a water for me,” Kumiko remarked, staring down our skin-tight server. What’s going on in that fluffy noggin now, I wonder.

“I’ll have a green tea,” Reina stated as she folded open the menu and began perusing.

“Apple cider with cream,” I concluded, already set on getting that omurice tonight for sure.

After a short moment of scribbling, the Asuka cosplayer slapped her pad closed, “Got it. I’ll get those right over.”

Once she was safely out of bounds, Kumiko leaned in, “Was it just me or did she seem completely uninterested?”

“She’s in character, Kumiko. That’s part of the appeal of a cosplay café,” Reina sighed, not even looking up from her menu.

“I knew that.”

My phone’s sudden vibration tore my attention away from the table. I promptly pulled it from its prison and unlocked, seeing a message from Mugi:

_ Did everything go alright with Mio-chan today? _

__ As I typed my response, I caught Ritsu’s probing glances, affecting my answer.

_ I’ll let you know in a bit _

__ Placing my phone down comfortably to align with the corner of the table, I retrieved my menu and double-checked my order, settling on the spam omurice, suddenly getting a craving for the canned meat.

“So, Reyna,” Ritsu awkwardly started, “Have you talked to anyone else from the band about your proposal?”

I slapped my menu together and sent it to join my phone, “I’ve gotten confirmation from everyone but Yui, who I’m meeting with tomorrow when she and Ui-san come down for their rehabilitation session.”

“Rehabilitation?” Reina questioned with a quizzical head tilt.

“The phone call on the bus in April was about Yui’s sister. She got into a bad accident and now is doing physical therapy.”

Kumiko’s eye twinkled in a similar way to how mine did when I learned the news.

“Do you,” Ritsu stammered at first, but came back with confidence, “Do you think it would be a good idea if I joined you? I want to apologise to her probably before we all get together.”

Reina chimed in, “That might not be the best idea. If she’s not expecting you, she might be less receptive to whatever you have to say.”

I felt called out from the press box, but elected to agree, “Reina has a point. I’m sure you mean well, but it’s probably best to just wait until you four all get together.”

Ritsu let out a compliant sigh, crossing her arms on the table and resting her chin on the bundle, “Yeah, okay. As much as I want to hold a grudge, I’m really ready for this fight to be resolved. I love playing the drums, but it’s not the same without them.”

“The ensemble affects your enjoyment?” Reina inquired, the idea probably challenging her philosophy of individual excellence.

“Of course it does. Back in high school, I always felt like I wasn’t just playing the drums, more like I was playing my favourite songs with my favourite people. It was weird, ‘cause even if we were bad, we were awesome. We all trusted each other, and I really miss that. I don’t always trust the bands I temp for nowadays, and even if I play perfectly, the magic just isn’t there.”

“I get it completely,” I threw in my two cents, “That’s why I’ve stuck with the Outriders for three years straight. I know that I could probably make it into a better corps, but I don’t want to. I love my brothers and sisters in silver, and I wouldn’t want to do what I do with anyone else.”

“I think I get it,” Kumiko contributed, leaning in once more, “While I can’t say I’ve felt that way about an entire ensemble before, there are specific people that I wanted next to me when we performed, and those performances weren’t the same when they were gone.”

Reina’s unsure visage told us all we needed to know about how well she could relate. She was clearly single-minded in her journey to strive for excellence, but that, in its own way, held just as much merit, at least to me.

After sharing our thoughts, our server returned with our platter of drinks in tow, showing that she had been paying attention after all by distributing our drinks correctly.

“Are you all ready to order or what?”

As we rotated around the table providing our orders, I thought to myself once more about the true merits of Mugi’s plot to reunite the band. After hearing Ritsu’s reasoning for wanting to give it the old college try, I felt significantly better about how difficult the journey had been thus far. Whether they believed it or not, these girls needed each other, and I would continue to stick my neck out for each one of them until further notice. 

All of my concerns seemed to momentarily melt away as the four of us enjoyed ourselves over food and drink, finally giving me a clear head and reasonable break from the psychological maelstrom of the past two days.

This was a good idea. I just had to remind myself every now and then.


	9. The Difference Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> The Difference Between by Circa Survive  
> 33 “GOD” by Bon Iver
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

_……_

_Move one inch at a time,_

_Don’t make shit rhyme,_

_Would it be easy to repeat the first line?_

_My mind’s not a well,_

_It won’t run dry,_

_Just keep drinking water and you’ll be alright._

Water sounded great right about now, but I had a bit longer to go.

I suppressed my urge to stop in my tracks and pull out my water bottle as I tightened my backpack without dropping my pace. I was so much better about running at least twice a week back home, but thanks to this week’s firestorm, this was just now my second run of the week. If I told anyone from the corps that I was slacking while they were busting their asses, I’d probably get my shit kicked in.

They’re in Wyoming by now, right? Or are they in Colorado already? Jesus, time flies when you’re not having fun with your friends.

As I plodded along across the bridge, I thought about how familiar I was starting to get with life here. It was only Friday in my first week in Japan, but I already had a full notecard of names to remember, a few dramatic events and realisations under my belt, and a new addition to my body count.

I probably shouldn’t take that last one as a victory, should I? I couldn’t tell if the guilt from it had passed or if I was just repressing it on account of all the adrenaline coursing through me at the moment. Either way, my current mood was comparatively better than how I’d felt almost all week, so who was I to question it on a deeper level?

The college was now in my sights, letting me know I was in the home stretch. I fought the urge to slow down by cranking up the volume on my music.

_Well, don’t call me by full name,_

_And this is all temporary._

_It feels much better to know,_

_That you won’t feel a thing._

_Well don’t talk about it,_

_Write it down but don’t ask for help,_

_I can’t be honest with even myself._

_Did you ever wish you were somebody else?_

Welp, now I felt kinda shitty again. I needed to stop paying so much attention to lyrics.

Thankfully, I was just about to cross into campus proper, giving me an excuse to wind down my pace to a walk, pop out my earbuds, and set my backpack down on my favourite bench. I refused to look deeper into why those song lyrics triggered my mood swing as I retrieved my water and took a swig. Now hydrated, I wiped myself down, switched shirts, and pulled my necklace through, wondering how far I could get through the day with my current outfit. 

Taking one look down at how far my spandex shorts had ridden up, I decided it would be prudent to switch into my leggings as soon as I could find the opportunity.

Now prepared for rehearsal, I threw my backpack back on and waltzed through the common area in the direction of the music building. I was even starting to recognise people around campus, like that girl who always seemed to be carving Buddha statues by the fountain. Is that safe? Or allowed?

Pushing through the back doors of the music hall, I noticed a couple unique noises amongst the warming up instruments today. Around the corner somewhere, I could barely pick out the sounds of someone wailing on a drum set, and to my left, a quiet amp hummed the rhythms of a bass guitar. Good omens, to be sure.

Finally passing through the familiar double doors of band room two, I was met with the sight of the other three members of our newly formed ‘trial brass quartet’ seated around some music stands and a metronome, and Mugi, keeping my seat warm.

“Good morning,” I bowed lightly, sliding my backpack across the ground to my chair as I strolled over towards my tuba in its case.

“Someone’s in a better mood today,” Sano observed as she wiped her horn bell with a towel.

“Looks like you went on a run,” Kumiko added, likely noticing how I had one style of running clothes.

I smiled as I unclasped the latches on the aging case, “It helps me compartmentalise.”

“Glad to hear it,” Reina chimed in, “Kotobuki-san was just telling us about your progress with getting HTT back together.”

I did a double-take to Mugi, “Hayashi told you about how it went with Mio yesterday?”

“Just what she was able to observe,” she sighed, “She said that you two spoke alone in the dressing room for some time, then you emerged, shaken up. After you left, Mio-chan appeared upset for a moment, but took on a much cheerier attitude for the rest of the shoot.”

“Locked in a dressing room alone with Akiyama Mio, huh? How was _that_ , Reyna-chan?” Sano mocked.

“Enlightening,” I brushed her off as I released my tuba from its plastic prison and grabbed an extra chair.

“Well, with all of that going so well,” Kumiko started, putting her euphonium down gingerly on the tile floor, “Should we even continue rehearsing this piece? Will we need it in a jazz combo setting?”

As Reina was about to respond, Sano cut in, “It would be in our best interest to be prepared for their talk to go either way. Having been around for the last time they ‘talked it out’, there’s no guarantee that it will go well.”

Mugi’s brow furrowed as she rose to the defense, “That’s hardly fair. Considering the circumstances, there wasn’t much opportunity for our discussion to go well last time. All five of us, including you, have had some to ruminate on our actions. I’m hopeful for a positive outcome after Yui agrees to it as well.”

“Including me?” Sano scoffed, “I don’t recall doing anything wrong.”

Oh, bitch.

“Not now,” Reina interrupted, setting her trumpet down next to Kumiko’s euph, “The precise reason you five are arranging this talk is to hash out these differences with each other. For everyone’s sake, please save it for then. If we’re continuing work on Green Groves, let’s do so. If we aren’t, let’s decide on it.”

I groaned as I set the spare chair down between Kumiko and Mugi, placing the bell of my tuba on the ground and leaning the body against the chair’s back left leg. Sano shot me a disappointed glance for not setting my chair on the other side of Mugi, next to her, but I could live with it.

“As much as I’d like to be optimistic about it with Mugi-chan,” I contributed, taking my seat and pressing my elbows into my thighs, “Sano has a point. We should be prepared for both possibilities. If I had all of the information, I’d feel confident one way or the other, but I don’t, so it could end up going either way depending on how willing everyone is to let go of their grudges.”

Mugi’s eyes wandered to the ground at my words, making me feel somewhat guilty, but I had to be realistic here. I could exaggerate my optimism to her all day, but Kumiko and Reina were at risk by proxy too, and they deserved a realistic answer.

“That’s settled, then,” Reina picked up her trumpet as she spoke, “Kotobuki-san, would you mind running the metronome for us? We should get started before we have to head off for classes.”

Oh, come on, Reina. Asking her to be met bitch won’t cheer her up.

“Of course!” she shot up out of her chair, her arms bunching up in excitement, “I’ve always dreamed of running the metronome.”

Well, I’ll be.

As we all set our instruments at the ready and set our eyes on the first bar, Mugi hit the switch on the met, giving me eight beats at thirty clicks below tempo before I took off.

————————————————————

 **Bunder:** _BIS in 5, hurry up Erin_

 **George:** _Got caught up in the stadium, I’ll run_

 **Sandal:** _Caught up with another hookup :0_

 **Alf:** _Lmao_

 **VQ:** _Erin I’ll come back from Japan just to beat ur ass if ur late to AIS_

 **Karen:** _BIS*, we don’t say the ass word anymore VQ_

 **VQ:** _I’ll beat ur ass too Kaleb_

 **Ice:** _Ass word?_

I missed those dorks. Glad I got into the chat during camp season and avoided all of the awkward conversations about being volunteer staff and in a private member group chat. That would’ve been awkward.

As I marched through the exit of the literature building into the wider campus, the midday sun threatened to blind me. Curse my Lit Comp professor for keeping the lights so low. After having to rub my eyes back into operating condition, I caught Mugi and Mio sitting together underneath one of the umbrella tables.

My gut reaction told me to be concerned, but after a moment’s consideration, I became more optimistic about what that could mean for the two of them. While it wasn’t the most positive note to end on yesterday, what Mugi said about Hayashi’s impression of Mio after I left seemed like her dredged-up regrets had channelled into hope, or at least a desire to do better.

I stood my ground under the overhang above the literature building’s exit, switching between watching them and looking back down to the group chat.

 **Sandal** **:** _Olivia just got back to the bus too_

 **Brent:** _Coincidence?_

 **George:** _Watch it bro_

 **Ice:** _Bros before hoes, Georgiadi_

 **Bunder:** _Guys, what did we say about She Who Shall Not Be Named?_

 **Sandal:** _Bruh that takes too long to type_

Perfect time to stop looking at the chat forever, apparently. I don’t know why the thought of Liv and Erin hooking up pissed me off, considering we did end things right before I left, but so soon after? Come on.

Well, I guess whether I wanted what happened between me and Sano to happen or not, I did the same thing.

Not wanting to unpack all of that, I locked my phone and snapped it into my waistband, stepping off towards Mugi and Mio. I made a mental promise to myself for things to not be awkward between Mio and I, even after she pulled her tits out in front of me and enlightened me about both Mugi and Midori’s bed behaviour. Christ, it’s gonna be awkward, isn’t it?

As I neared their table, Mugi was the first to notice my approach, with her face adopting that infectious smile and her waving me over. At the prompt, Mio turned around in her chair and locked eyes with me. I noted a certain ‘please don’t say anything’ vibe from her stare, and elected to follow that perceived advice as I continued walking.

“How was your lit class, Reyna-rin?” Mugi chirped as she picked at her rice.

Sticking with the Reyna-rin, I see. I was into it but it felt weird considering I just learned her history with Mio, who was sitting across from her.

“Insightful, I guess,” I sighed, shedding my backpack and plopping into the spare chair between the two of them.

As I removed my bento from my book bag, it became undeniable how exhausted I was. No idea whether my sudden fatigue was mental or physical, but I was aware of it nonetheless.

“Reyna,” Mio began, “Thank you for coming by yesterday. I apologise for my behaviour then, but I’m glad you decided to help Mugi with her plan of reuniting us. I’m hoping it will all go well.”

“Me too,” I proudly smiled, pleased my efforts weren’t in vain, “I’m hoping you four can all continue to feel that way once you get in front of each other. It can be easy to revert to your grudges when you’re reminded why you established them in the first place.”

Mugi inquisitively cocked her head at me, “You sound as if you’re speaking from experience.”

“Well, I may or may not have some experience in hearing about people holding no grudges against me, just to learn they still are when we get face to face.”

“I don’t think forgiveness is a switch you can just flick on or off,” Mio waxed philosophical, “It’s a process, a process that the four of us are going to have to walk together if we want things to go back to how they were before Yui left.”

It was my turn to cock my head at the insinuation that Yui’s departure was the inciting incident for their breakup. I found myself subconsciously questioning Mio’s thought process, whether she placed the blame on Yui, and whether that was any kind of fair.

“Don’t make it sound like its Yui-chain’s fault,” Mugi was on my wavelength, “She had no choice, we just didn’t handle it well.”

Mio’s light grimace displayed her feelings about that response, “Whether or not we handled it well, if she could’ve held out just until after our tour, Sano-san wouldn’t have joined and torn everything up.”

As if on queue, Sano rounded the corner to our left, then caught sight of our congregation. Her eyes shone greener as she practically skipped over. I guess she picked up the Reyna Radar at some point.

“Looks like half of the group has already kissed and made up,” she uncouthly observed as Mio recoiled at the sound of her voice, “Reyna-chan, loving the shirt today. I can almost see every tattoo and ‘bruise’ through it.”

I fanned out my shirt at her words, attempting to return it to the baggy state it was in when I put it on this morning.

“Good afternoon, Sano-san,” Mio feigned courtesy as Sano planted herself in the last seat underneath the parasol.

I did not like the sudden tension radiating from the three of them one bit. I began trying to connect the dots in my head, quickly realising that I was probably missing too many clues to draw any conclusions.

“Good morning, Akiyama-san. How have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you since Mugi’s confession at the beach.”

Mio gritted her teeth, prompting Mugi to interject, “We were just discussing when and where we were going to gather to talk out our differences after Reyna-rin goes to talk to Yui-chan today. Did you perhaps have any ideas?”

Sano shot an evil eye at Mugi, likely at her use of my pet name, “How about Iwatobi? That place has a lot of sentimental value, maybe it’ll help some good memories resurface and everyone will forgive each other on the spot.”

I was completely in the dark as a rain cloud formed above our table, with Mugi averting her eyes and Mio’s death stare intensifying.

“What happened at Iwatobi?” I questioned, with everyone but Sano recoiling at the repetition of the word.

Sano scanned the two of them for any more tells, then spoke, “It was the last place most of us saw each other.”

“Why would you bring it—“

“Reyna-chan,” Sano interrupted, leaning over the table towards me, “I got a text from Olivia earlier telling me about how she couldn’t wait for the Denver free day this year. I honestly forgot that was happening this Sunday, funny how time flies when you’re not on tour. Remember how great free days were last year? Especially Seaside?”

And in one swift move, she reminded me that I was tied to the gallows, and her hand was on the lever.

“I don’t remember much about that day, honestly,” I deflected with a fib, fighting the urge to sink into my seat. I looked to Mio and Mugi, who were now both noticeably uncomfortable.

“I remember it really well,” Sano recalled with a delinquent grin, “Maybe I’ll jog your memory sometime. Well, hope you guys can decide on a place, but I’ve gotta run. It’s been fun.”

As she launched herself from her seat around the corner once more, the three of us remaining sighed in exasperation, the weight being lifted from our shoulders.

“I should probably get going to my next class,” Mio remarked, her eyes still shamefully downcast, “See you two around.”

With Mio’s departure, only Mugi and I remained. Looking over to her, I noticed her hands grasping her skirt and trembling. Whether it was in frustration or in sadness, I couldn’t discern.

“Iwatobi,” Mugi swallowed, “Is where Mio-chan and Ricchan broke up. That was the last time the three of us spoke, and as far as I’m aware, Ricchan hasn’t forgiven…”

Before she could finish her thought, she pressed her chin to her chest, her whole body now trembling. I placed my hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her from my chair.

“Reyna-rin, maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

“Nonsense,” I rebuked, “We’ve come this far. At this point, we have to try.”

“Has Olivia-san forgiven you?” she looked up, locking eyes with me. Guess she’s connected those dots. Her cerulean gems twinkled with a contradiction of doubt and hope, letting me know what she wanted to hear. I couldn’t lie to her.

“I’m honestly not wholly sure, but she’s not Ritsu, or Yui, or Mio. You have to believe in them if you want to bring them back together. This was your idea, and if you don’t believe in your own idea, they won’t.”

She took a moment to process my statement, then nodded confidently, “Okay. Thank you, Reyna-rin.”

I warmly smiled, “I’m right beside you, Mugi-tan.”

Her shoulders rose with joy and her hand hopped atop mine.

We’ve come this far. At this point, we have to try

————————————————————

_(When we leave this room, it’s gone.)_

_Is the company stalling?_

_We had what we wanted:_

_Your eyes._

_(When we leave this room, it’s gone.)_

_With no word from the former,_

_I’d be happy as hell if you stayed for tea._

_(I know so well, that this is all there is.)_

_This is how we grow now, woman._

The soothing sounds of _33 “GOD”_ had evaporated my troubled vibes from my previous conversation at lunch, letting me enjoy my bike ride into the city. Following my GPS directions into greater Kyoto, I felt the urge to anticipate my meeting with Yui and Ui, but I fought it, knowing that this was the last step in the Operation: _No, Thank You!_ and I could not afford to fuck it up.

The physical therapy building was now within spitting distance, just two intersections away. As I continued my journey, I spotted a mousy blonde standing out front, appearing as if she was waiting for something or someone. Crossing over the second to last intersection, I spotted Yui pushing Ui’s wheelchair from what was likely her car to the front of the building. After approaching the waiting girl, she noticed the two of them and bowed, graciously taking over pushing Ui’s wheelchair.

I finally crossed the last intersection and pulled into the parking lot, landing in the vacancy next to the Hirasawa-mobile. I promptly switched off the bike, removed my helmet, then cupped my free hand around my mouth.

“Yui!”

She spun around, catching me instantly. As the girl and Ui proceeded into the building, Yui trotted over to me while I shimmied my jacket off and placed my gear in the trunk of my bike.

“Good afternoon, Reyna,” she greeted, slowing up on the approach, “Sorry for dragging you all the way into the city.”

“Actually, I’m thankful,” I chuckled, “Getting some time on the bike is refreshing, and everything at Yamada has been getting claustrophobic.”

“Mugi-chan has been keeping me updated,” she relayed, motioning for me to follow, “I’ve never met Sano-san, but I’ve only heard bad things.”

I sighed, wondering if Mugi telling tales out of school was gonna become a thing, “Well, she’s technically a part of Houkago Tea Time too, so she’s part of all of this.”

Why was I defending her, exactly?

“About that,” she huffed, “I was hoping to pick your brain a little more about the situation. I know I said I’d be on board if Ricchan and Mio-chan agreed to it, but I’ve been having some doubts.”

Once more, I was taken aback by the new reality of Hirasawa Yui, but did my best to run with it, “Of course. This only works if all four of you are on board, so whatever you need.”

At that, we pressed on through the entrance of the physical therapy centre, sauntering past the front desk and into the rehabilitation room proper. As we entered, my eyes were drawn around the room to all of the people with their attendants amongst the different gym-like equipment spread around. I was once more blind-sided by my own experiences with Sara at similar facilities.

Yui led me to Ui and her attendant, who were working together to attach Ui’s prosthetic leg. Yui contributed by grabbing a pair of crutches from the wall and bringing them to her sister, setting one on each side of the wheelchair.

“Ishida-san, this is Reyna Marten. I have to speak with her so I apologise if I’m not able to assist as much today,” Yui introduced as she gestured between us, “Reyna, this is Ishida Shouko. She’s been helping Ui through the process of getting comfortable with her prosthetic.”

“Ith okay, Yui-than,” Ishida replied, raising up from Ui’s now attached leg, “Nithe to meet you, Marten-than.”

As my curiosity piqued at her lisp, my attention drifted to the red hearing aid in her left ear. Got it.

“Thank you for helping with Ui-san,” I bowed graciously, “My own sister was injured in a similar way, so I appreciate your line of work more than you know.”

“I apprethiate that. Thank you,” she bowed in return.

“Nice to see you again, Reyna-san,” Ui added as she propped herself onto the crutches with Ishida’s assistance, “Please take care of my sister for me while I’m away.”

The two of us shared a giggle at Ui’s words as they made their way to the parallel walking bars. I took a seat on the cushioned benches to our right, keeping an intrigued eye on Ui and Ishida.

“So,” Yui inquired as she took a seat some distance from me, her eyes also trained on the pair, “I understand why Mugi-chan is so insistent on getting us back together, but why you? I’ve been thinking about it since Tuesday, and I can’t figure it out. We’re just four people that you shared an uncomfortable bus ride with a few months ago, so why would you become so invested in whether or not we reunited?”

I slouched into the wall, having to pick my own brain for an answer that made sense, “In all honesty, there’s a lot of things that go into it.”

“Educate me.”

“Well, first, there’s Mugi-chan. She came to me with the idea after only two days in Japan under my belt. I’m not sure why, but she holds the belief that I can help you four. Second, there’s the fact that I’ve seen all of this before. Whether it’s a friend pushing her clique away after a traumatic event, two people breaking up after unnecessary difficulties in their relationship, or one friend struggling harder than the others to patch it all together. It feels like if I can do this, I’ll be able to fix any problems I return to back home.”

I found her eyes, which were subtly darting around, processing my intentions, “So, you like Mugi-chan and you think that by helping us, you can help yourself?”

I recoiled at how her paraphrasing made it sound, but wondered to myself if she hit the nail on the head with her blunt analysis.

“I appreciate what you’re doing for us, Reyna, but I can’t buy into it. I know I’m partially at fault for leaving when I did, but from what I've heard from Mugi-chan, I don’t even recognise who Mio-chan and Ricchan are now. Maybe friends just drift apart.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I lamented, but I knew I could turn this around, “But these friends don’t want to drift apart. Everyone has expressed some kind of regret for how things turned out, especially Mio and Mugi-chan. Whether you feel that this was meant to be or not, I think that they deserve to be heard out. While the past few months may not have been the best for your group, four years is a lot of time to throw away, especially when there’s a real opportunity to try again.”

Yui sighed in acknowledgement, joining me in slouching into the wall. Her gaze bounced between me and her sister for a moment before she spoke.

“Okay, I’ll hear them out. Tell me when and where and I’ll see if it fits into my work schedule.”

I nodded in triumph, then spit-balled, “Can you do sixteen-thirty on Monday at Yamada?”

She looked up to the ceiling in recollection, then returned her attention to me, “Yeah, that should work. Thank you for this, Reyna. I hope this is a good idea.”

Me fucking too.

“Thank you for trusting a stranger, Yui,” I stood up and bowed, “Give Ui-san and Ishida-san my regards, and I’ll message you some more precise directions for the reunion when I have them.”

“Of course,” she smiled warmly, raising up from the bench and walking over to a plate of complimentary snacks and sweets, “See you then.”

Four of four. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned for a bit, and didn’t have my fair share of doubts along the way, but it was done. All that was left was to cut the ribbon and be done with it.

————————————————————

“Reyna.”

My eyes shot open at the sound of my name, causing me to jump forward from laying back into the couch to sitting straight up. My frantic awakening was met by Kanna leaning over the kotatsu and staring at me.

“You look kinda dumb when you sleep,” she commented as she sauntered over towards the kitchen, “Wake up, the katsu is ready and Chitanda-san is about to get here.”

I quickly pushed myself up to my feet at that revelation, thinking about how poor of a state my room was in, “You two start without me, I’m gonna tidy up my room for a bit.”

“Make it quick, it won’t stay hot,” Midori called over from the kitchen as I scurried towards my room, heeding her commands.

Pushing past my open door, I wasted no time scooping up the sprawled-out selection of oversized shirts, mini shorts, and wide variety of bras and throwing them in my laundry hamper with little regard for if they were legitimately dirty or if I had just set them out for a rainy day. After cutting the pile down to size, I got to the shirt that Mugi wore while she stayed the night on Wednesday. As I lifted it with both hands and was reminded of the tear stains on the shoulder, I thought back to that night.

I had done everything right, right? I’ve nearly finished the plan that she brought to me, and been there for her at every chance that I’d been given, but for some reason, I still felt terrible about our current relationship. What happened with Sano wasn’t my fault, and I had no real commitment to Mugi, whether we had some sort of emotional attachment to each other or not, but I still felt so reprehensible for fucking Sano. Was I just proxy guilty for what I’d done to Liv?

Throwing the shirt into the hamper with all of its kin, I patted out my comforters and tucked in the corners. I wasn’t sure how thorough the checks would be, admittedly having only skimmed the brochure, but I didn’t want to take any risks. Now happy with my improvements, I backed out of my room and made my way into the kitchen.

After rounding the counter, I seized my plate of katsu, noticing that Midori had prepared an extra plate. How polite. I then grabbed one of my tea cans from the fridge and waltzed over to the kotatsu, taking a seat and giving my ‘itadakimasu’ before cracking open my tea, popping my chopsticks apart, and digging in. Just as I managed to get a cutlet from my plate to my mouth, Kanna passed the remote to me.

“You pick,” she stated, picking her chopsticks back up, “Your choice last time was good. Show me what you’ve got.”

I nodded, not wanting to talk with my mouth full and slid the remote off the table and into my hand. As I scrolled over to Nowflix, I decided to not play the same card twice and pick another great show and broaden their horizons, finding _Company_ , my favourite early 2010’s sitcom about a study group of misfits at a community college that was somehow worse than my own.

I went ahead and scrolled back to the first episode, turning on the Japanese subtitles before clicking it on and letting it play.

“You know you don’t have to turn on the Japanese subtitles,” Midori remarked, covering her mouth and chewing for a moment, then continuing, “Kanna and I can understand English just fine.”

I laughed before elaborating, “I’m turning them on for me as well. I’ve been speaking English for as long as I can remember, and this one character’s dialogue sometimes sounds like gibberish to me, too.”

She shrugged in acceptance and turned back to the TV, continuing to munch away on her cutlets and rice. I was quickly reminded how unique the first few episodes of this show were, and thought to myself how long it took the show to settle into its formulas and anti-formulas.

Just as it was beginning to get good, the doorbell buzzed, letting us know that Chitanda had arrived. Midori and Kanna both instantly pressed their fingers to their noses, then looked to me.

“Not fair, I didn’t know we were doing that,” I groaned, my knees popping loudly as I got to my feet.

“Are those normal noises?” Kanna questioned my Rice Krispies kneecaps.

“Try marching three years of straight leg and not having your knees pop every once in a while.”

After a short trek to the door, I undid the trio of locks and latches and unsealed the door, revealing Chitanda Eru stood at the threshold, clutching a clipboard.

“Good evening, you three. Pardon the intrusion,” she expressed, clacking into our apartment and pulling her heels off without bending down an inch, “I’ll try not to be long, my apologies for the unorthodox timing.”

Midori rotated around towards us, “No worries, Chitanda-san. I made an extra plate if you’d like to stay for a bit.”

She politely smiled and bowed, “I appreciate that, but I should really—”

“Don’t be a wobbly support beam,” Kanna pressed, pointing at her plate with her chopsticks, “It’s really good, Mido-chan finally figured out the katsu.”

Chitanda’s eyes bounced between her clipboard, the kitchen, and the three of us before sighing in resignation, “I guess I can, but I have to be quick. I have to do the rest of this floor before twenty.”

Kanna threw up her arms in victory before returning her attention to the show, clearly having become enthralled by yet another one of my show picks. I internally threw up my arms in victory as well, my confidence in my TV taste being reinforced once more.

As Chitanda began making her rounds, I returned to my spot at the kotatsu and resumed consumption, being reminded how Alison Brie in her role as Annie on this show was the first impetus for my realisation that I liked girls. I guess I had a thing for doe-eyed women with great racks, explaining my common attraction to Olivia, Mugi, and Alison Brie. Maybe I do have a type, after all.

“Wait, I know that guy,” Kanna imparted, pointing to Donald Glover, “Doesn’t he make music now?”

“Yes, he does. I believe this show was his big break, then he started a solo music career either during the later seasons or after he left the show,” I recited, pressing my napkin to my mouth.

At that, Chitanda emerged from the rear hallway, “Everything looks great. Good job and thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Kanna replied, motioning towards the open end of the table, “Now come eat with us.”

I giggled at her blunt request, watching as Chitanda set her clipboard down on the counter and took the spare plate. As she joined us at the kotatsu directly across from me, I decided to pause the show to give us an opportunity to give our guest our undivided attention.

“How has your first week been, Reyna-san?” Chitanda inquired, picking up her first cutlet.

I let out a sigh of exasperation at the reflection on my week, “Eventful. I’ve been roped into a thus-far successful attempt to bring a shattered friend group back together for the sake of a jazz club.”

“I didn’t know we had a jazz club.”

“We don’t, that’s what we’ve been working towards.”

“Ah, my apologies.”

“Is that why you’ve been hanging out with members of Houkago Tea Time?” Midori questioned, undoubtedly recalling our day with Mugi on Wednesday.

“Precisely,” I elaborated, setting my chopsticks down to continue, “It was Mugi-chan’s idea at first, but I attached to it after some time. Now, after a week’s efforts and some buzzing around, we just need to get them into a room to forgive each other.”

Midori’s eyes bounced up and to the left, then back to me, “Akiyama-san had quite a bit to say about her former band mates, and not much of it was pleasant. How do you know they’ll all forgive each other?”

“I don’t. I admit, it’s a gambit.”

“For your sake and theirs,” Chitanda chimed in, “I hope it’s worth it, Reyna-san.”

“I appreciate that.”

I hope it’s worth it, too.

As the four of us continued discussing whatever popped into our heads and enjoying Midori’s katsu, my mind drifted back to the big question that had been in and out of my mind all week: was this a good idea? At this point, it was a bigger question than just whether it was worth it to help bring Houkago Tea Time back together, but was coming to Japan a good idea? 

I knew in my heart of hearts that I most likely would have had very similar dramatic troubles if I had stayed in America and marched this season, but the stakes would’ve been lower. I knew the ins and outs of all of my own issues, but I still had unanswered questions about what had happened to cause HTT’s breakup; questions that would remain unanswered until our discussion on Monday.

I just had to not fuck anything up until then. Easy enough, right?


	10. Exit Music, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Gabriel’s Oboe by Ennio Morricone  
> Grow Till Tall by Jónsi  
> My Body Is a Cage by Peter Gabriel  
> Wicked Game by Ursine Vulpine
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains sexual content that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

_This chapter of Yamada Daigaku exclusively includes Original Characters. These events are crucial to Reyna’s characterisation, and thusly have been included despite the lack of KyoAni characters and a Japanese setting._

_————————————————————_

_Gabriel’s Oboe - Reyna Marten, 3 Years Ago_

_————————————————————_

_She had a beige complexion paired with a smattering of freckles and a tangerine mane that stretched from her neat top knot down to her shoulder-blades. Around her neck hung a singular circular charm, the one from Sundance Drum and Bugle Corps, our sister corps. I knew she was a rookie, just like me, but her ornate thigh tattoo, array of piercings, and revealing attire despite her thicker build struck me as particularly mature and appealing. I had a hunch that I liked girls, but it wasn’t until her seafoam eyes met mine that I knew._

“Reyna,” Alex’s voice rang through my head, yanking me out of my trance. Before I looked away, the girl sent me a welcoming smile, silently communicating that I should come and say hi.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I replied, redirecting my attention to Alex while keeping the mysterious redhead in the corner of my eye.

She thumb-pointed towards the opening of the tunnel into the common area of the stadium, “Dev and them already left. Do you want to catch up?”

I really didn’t want to hear Dev’s name right now. Flashes of the Allentown show just a week ago slammed into my head, screaming at me to get away before he had one last chance to corner me.

“You go on ahead. I think I see someone I know.”

She scoffed with a shrug, “Okay. Catch you later, chief.”

As Alex funnelled out with the rest of the crowd, I looked towards the girl, who was now staring out into the field, watching the last corps break down their equipment and empty the field for intermission. I had to find out more about her, that much I was sure of.

Fighting the waves of people heading opposite of me, I pushed through until I bursted out onto the pathway between the bleacher rows. She noticed me, once again hitting me with that captivating smile. I thought I recognised her, I just wasn’t sure where from quite yet.

“Hey,” I stammered, scratching the back of my head as I approached, “Have we met somewhere before?”

Her giggle at my awkwardness somehow enchanted me even further, “We stood next to each other in the mixed arc at the Utah show encore. I recognised your eyes, couldn’t forget those.”

I felt my cheeks heat up at her compliment, “I recognised your hair. Wish we could let our hair down in uniform like you guys do. Ah, I’m Reyna.”

“I’m Olivia, but everyone calls me Liv. Do you wanna get out of here?”

My heart began to tremble as I attempted to decipher what she could have in mind, “Yeah, any ideas?”

She pushed herself off of the wall and extended her hand to me, “You like coneys? I know this great coney place that’s a short walk away from the stadium. Hold onto me, I know this stadium like the back of my hand.”

I sheepishly took her outstretched hand, letting her whisk me away, darting through the sardines with ease and weaving through a series of staircases down that I hadn’t even realised were there.

“You said you know this stadium really well,” I inquired as the crowds dissipated and she released my hand, now trusting me to follow, “How many years have you marched?”

“Just this year, but I’m the latest in a line of drum corps kids. My family comes to Finals every year, so I’ve gotten comfortable with Lucas Oil.”

“Must be nice.”

She glanced over her shoulder as she continued leading, “You the first in your family to march? Is it one of those ‘your family doesn’t support it’ or just a ‘they didn’t know about it until you showed interest’ situations?”

“The second option,” I recalled the day I convinced Pops to take me to auditions, “My Pops is more of a traditional sports guy, but he supports me and my sisters’ interests.”

“What about your mom?”

I uncomfortably hesitated, earning another glance back my way.

“You don’t have to tell me. I’m sorry,” she recovered, slowing her pace to be even with my own.

“It’s not like that,” I elaborated, “I’m adopted, Pops is just what I call my adoptive father.”

“I’m not taking back my apology,” she earnestly smiled, leaning forward to get a better view of my expression.

I adjusted my ponytail as I returned her smile, “I appreciate it. Just know that I’m not broken up about it.”

We walked in silence for a moment as we passed through one final series of hallways flowing out into the afternoon Indianapolis sun. The distant ambiance of the finalist corps warming up and the bustle of the busses and equipment trailers still gave me that warm feeling, even now, in the final hours of the season. Yeah, this season had been really fucking hard, but I was here. I did the thing. I was proud of myself, despite how anyone else at the Outriders might have felt about me.

“So, Reyna,” Olivia began, eccentrically kicking her feet out as we walked, “Tell me some more about yourself. I’d like to know more about the girl I’m about to go on a date with.”

I chuckled, “So this is a date now? How do you figure?”

“Well, I think you’re cute, and guessing on how you keep blushing every time I smile at you, you at least think I’m cute too. To be honest, I wanted to talk to you after Utah, too, but I couldn’t find you after any other shows, and when I did, you were always with this tall, brawny guy. I was starting to get worried that you were straight, but my gaydar was screaming when I saw you just now. Thanks for making the first move.”

“How could I not come over after that look? You were practically begging me to.”

She wryly smirked as she snatched my hand, “Oh, so now we’re confident? Come on, answer my question.”

“Alright,” I prepared my usual dating app introductory passage in my head, “Hi, I’m Reyna Marten. I’m eighteen as of June twenty-fifth, I’m from Westlands, Texas, I’d much sooner be ‘one of the guys’ than get dolled up, and I used to play bari and euph, but thanks to losing my spot earlier in the season, now I play tuba. How about yourself?”

“I’m guessing you like long walks on the beach, too?” she giggled, swinging her arm and taking mine with it, “Hello, Reyna, I’m Olivia Hago. I’m eighteen as of May second, I’m from Olathe, Kansas, I don’t ascribe to any gender norms unless it’s ‘baby but with piercings’, and I used to play alto sax, but I learned mellophone to march Sundance.”

“How progressive,” I laughed, wondering how I got myself into this miraculous situation.

“Oh, and I’m bisexual, but I lean towards girls. You?”

I sighed in contemplation, “Honestly, I don’t really know. I was kinda straight-laced until recently, so I haven’t gotten the chance to experiment and find out for myself.”

“Aww,” she purred, “I caught myself a unicorn. How pure. Well, if you’re wanting to experiment, I could show you the ropes.”

“How forward. Take me to dinner, first. Then we’ll talk.”

“I thought that’s where we were going? But on the forward bit, a wise woman once told me to not waste any time going for what I wanted, ‘cause frankly, life is short. If I may be so bold, Reyna, I want you. I hope that’s okay.”

The flashes ran through my head once more at the familiar sound of her words, reminding me of last Saturday. This wasn’t like that, I knew, but I couldn’t help but be reminded of it. Olivia noticed my shakes and back-pedalled.

“If you don’t want to, that’s totally okay. I’m not in the business of forcing myself on anyone,” she rotated to me, letting her newfound concern shine through.

“I want to,” I blurted out, “I’m just pretty new to all of this, so I might need some patience, if that’s okay.”

She knowingly smiled, “Of course. Just let me know, Reyna.”

Yeah, this definitely wasn’t like that night. She was perfectly cognisant of whether I was actively consenting, and was putting my desires first. Where have you been all my life, Olivia Hago?

“How much further is it?” I questioned, starting to feel my back ache.

“Just a few more blocks.”

I motioned to reach for my phone, completely forgetting my hand was intertwined with Olivia’s. After realising, I elected to drop our hands back down to hip height, ignore my device, and soak in the moment. It was the last day of my rookie season and I was going on a date that was likely going to define my sexuality. I should stop and smell the roses.

_————————————————————_

“Where’s this spot you’re taking me, anyways?” I interrogated, just realising how long we’d been walking since we left the coney shop.

“If I told you, that would ruin the surprise,” Olivia playfully remarked, once again leading me by a few feet.

We had been away from the stadium long enough for the sun to begin to set behind the skyline, creating a red-orange dusk that permeated the atmosphere of our escapade. I started to worry about Alex, remembering that I had pretty much left her out to dry with Dev’s clique. Up until now, the two of us had spent every free day together, on account of us never feeling comfortable enough to branch out and make more close friends in the corps, apart from our section.

I found myself hoping that I wouldn’t get an earful from her once we eventually got back to the stadium. While I was usually the one to follow her around like a lost puppy, it always seemed to me that she needed me to be that for her. Now, here I was, branching out on my own accord.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Olivia pondered as she reversed until she was next to me once more.

“Just thinking about my friend,” I sighed, trying not to sound like I wasn’t enjoying myself, “I didn’t tell her I’d be gone this long.”

“Do you want to go back to the stadium? I don’t mind.”

My nose subconsciously scrunched in response, “No. I want to see what you have in store for us at your apparently secret spot. I’m just worried about her, we’re usually joined by the hip.”

“I get that,” she replied, looping her arms behind her back, “Erin and I are the same way. Him and I go to the same high school, and we became friends while I was hooking up with his sister.”

“Sounds pretty cold.”

“Eh, not really. I dunno if he has any feelings for me, but I’ve made it clear to him that I’m not interested in him that way. How he feels after that is entirely up to him.”

“Still sounds pretty cold,” I teased, hip-checking her enough to knock her off-balance.

“Save some of that hip power for later.”

“Got it.”

She gave me a mischievous grin as she skipped back ahead, rounding the corner to the left and outstretching her arms towards the convention center before us.

“This is your secret spot?” I playfully furrowed my brow at her, resting my hand on my hip in feigned disappointment.

She snatched my hands and pulled me with her across the street, “You see any conventions going on right now? We can just slip into one of the conference rooms and be alone.”

“And then what?”

She winked, releasing my hands and flipping back around, “That’s all up to you, sugar.”

“Sugar?”

We shared a giggle as we scaled the steps towards that convention center, with the main entrance being curiously ajar. I found myself internally speculating again.

“If there’s no conventions going on,” I inquired, “Then why is it open? Isn’t that a security hazard?”

She informatively raised a finger, “It’s open ‘cause it’s quicker to walk through than around to get back to the stadium, and the city knows that. In 2009, the first year Indianapolis hosted the World Championships, it was a bitch and a half getting back to the stadium this way. Or was it the other way?”

“But the stadium is right there,” I pointed to our left.

“Don’t think about it.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her maybe bullshit explanation as we passed through the open entrance, with her joyfully strolling down the vacant hallway to our right, then rounding the corner into a hallway with doors on either side. As I noticed the series of well-placed security cameras, I questioned how good of an idea this really was. I looked back down to her and elected to adopt her carefree attitude and go with the flow. 

Whether or not she really knew what she was doing, I was bought in. Olivia had me on the end of a string, and for tonight, that was just fine.

She heel-turned after a few doors, settling on hall fifty-two, according to the plaque above the door. She then grasped the handle and pulled, unsealing the surprisingly still lit conference room. It was awfully spacious, but Olivia sat herself down between the two pillars nearest the door, obscuring herself from the angle of entry. Clever.

Continuing to follow her eager lead, I sat down across from her, assuming a criss-cross style to contrast her ‘one foot down’ lax posture.

“So,” she opened, “Any diseases or infections I should know about?”

“What? No. I told you I’m new to this,” I laughed away her sudden question.

“Good,” she raised herself up on her grounded foot, switching to her knees as she crawled to me, “Me neither.”

Before I could think, she was upon me, her hands planted firmly on my thighs, gently pulling my legs open. I took the queue and placed my feet on the ground, resting my back on the pillar directly behind me. I felt my face begin heating up as hers drew closer and closer.

“Are you ready, Reyna Marten?”

I swallowed my nerves, “Y— Yes.”

“Please stop me if I do anything you don’t want, okay?” she murmured, resting her pointer finger on my bottom lip, clueing me in on exactly she intended to do next.

“I will.”

Just as I got the words out, her lips met mine in a swift, yet soft impact. A shiver travelled from the point of contact across my entire being, awakening a version of myself that Dev had failed to extract. I clutched her shoulders and pulled her in, pressing her voluptuous body against mine without breaking the seal of our kiss. My hands began to glide across her, settling on the midriff between her crop top and her high-waisted shorts. As she took my head in her hand, my hands continued wandering beneath her flowing shirt, finding the bottom of her breasts.

“Go ahead,” she snuck the command out between our kisses, to which I happily obliged, slipping my hands between our bodies and gently pinching her pierced nipples.

While my hands stayed busy, her right hand had pulled my shirt out of its French tuck and skimmed underneath, finding my comparatively lacklustre chest. She paid the disparity no mind, using it to her advantage and taking the whole of my left breast in her hand and squeezing. I separated our mouths to struggle for air between my gasps and hushed moans, careful to not test our luck with our privacy.

She wasn’t satisfied for long, sliding her hand down my stomach and into my shorts, having to fight the compression to reach her objective. As the flashes of Allentown attempted to creep back into my mind, I fought them by taking the lead, planting successive kisses down her neck until I got to the collar of her shirt. I promptly lifted her shirt out of the way, continuing my journey down her chest and wrapping my lips around her right nipple, knocking around the ball-point piercing with my tongue to the rhythm of her own escaping whimpers.

Finally, her fingers reached my vagina, triggering the repressed memories of that night a week ago to scream back into my mind. Her hand had transformed into Dev’s hand as I was ripped out of reality and into the nightmare, feeling his hand wrap around my neck, his member force inside me.

_It’ll feel better in a minute._

I violently recoiled, slamming into the pillar behind me and throwing my arms between my legs, shielding myself. Olivia’s look of surprise only registered as disappointment to my tainted inner dialogue as my eyes began to well up.

“I’m sorry. I dunno what came over me,” I choked out the lie, struggling to get the words out through my sudden sniffles.

“Reyna, it’s totally okay,” she slowly scooted closer as she brought her shirt back down over herself, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Please don’t apologise. It’s not your fault.”

I leaned into her, resting my head underneath her chin as I continued hopelessly sobbing. She gently wrapped her arms around me, cautious to not trigger anything else.

“Did something happen?” she pried, her confusion settling into empathy.

I nodded, both wanting to elaborate and wanting to force these disgusting thoughts out of my head. She had done nothing wrong, and after tomorrow, I would never have to see Dev again. Why couldn’t I just enjoy this night with her?

“I’m sorry I ruined our date, Olivia.”

She brought her hand to my head and began stroking my hair, “Reyna, it’s not your fault, either. If you need me to kill the person who did this, I will. I know we just met, but I already care about you. I want to be here for you if I can be.”

I raised my head to meet her eyes, feeling her genuine affection wash the traumatic memories away. They weren’t gone forever, I knew that, but if I could stay in her arms for just a while longer, I could fight them.

“Thank you, Olivia,” I managed to smile as the tears began to subside.

_————————————————————_

_Grow Till Tall - Olivia Hago, 2 Years Ago_

_————————————————————_

“Olivia, where’s Reyna?”

I spun myself around at face Carson, throwing my legs off the edge of my air mattress, “I don’t know. She wasn’t in the showers and Mia said she couldn’t find her by the food truck.”

“If she wants to be alone,” Erin remarked, throwing his head back to look up at the two of us, “We should let her be alone, right?”

“That’s the worst thing we can do for her right now,” Alex contributed as she stared at her old messages to Reyna, “I’ve known her for long enough to know that if she’s alone right now, she’ll get into her own head. After hearing the news about Sara, being alone could send her down a spiral.”

Carson placed his jug down beneath himself and popped a squat, “I’m asking ‘cause Henderson is asking for her.”

“Probably about her storming off during sectionals today,” Erin nonchalantly added, with the three of us snapping around to him in surprise.

“Erin,” I berated, “That’s something you should tell us _before_ she goes missing right before lights out.”

“She hasn’t gone missing, she’s probably just at the stadium ‘cause she knew it was the only place you guys wouldn’t think to look for her.”

Carson, Alex, and I all stared at each other for a moment, to which I acknowledged by shooting up to my feet, “I’ll go check. Carson, let Henderson know I’m going to look for her again.”

“Got it,” he confirmed as I slipped my shoes on and threw my corps jacket over myself.

“Liv,” Alex grabbed me, “Let me know if you find her. I’ll come running.”

I nodded as she released, tip-toeing around the arrangement of sleeping bags, air mattresses, and unloaded luggage until I got out of the gym. Once I exited out into the chilled, midnight breeze, I extracted my phone from my waistband and switched on the flashlight feature, picking up the pace on my way to the stadium.

I knew that this news had to be really hard for her, but this was just like her to cut herself off from everyone and try to deal with it on her own. Ever since I’ve known her, she’s been ridiculous about letting people help her through stuff like this. I still don’t even know what happened to her before we first met last year. She’s gotten past it by now, but I couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t trust me with the truth.

As I jogged through the dimly lit campus, I thought back to when I went to the Marten house during camp season. Even with how little she was around, it was easy to tell that Reyna doted on her little sister. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how she must be feeling right now. If it were any of my brothers, I would’ve been on a plane home by now, but I knew Reyna was stronger than me. I just had to remind her.

After what seemed like a mile of running, I finally reached the parking lot between the stadium and the housing site. Switching off the flashlight, I squinted, trying to find her amongst the opposite bleachers or near the press box on the home side. Of course she wouldn’t make it that easy.

I continued jogging through the entrance, passing beyond the tunnel and onto the track. Spinning around towards the home side, I finally laid eyes on her, with her earbuds in and her eyes closed, head towards the sky. Were she not in emotional turmoil, it would be cute how she always closed her eyes when she had her earbuds in, but right now, it just made me sad. I took a second to rest my hands on my thighs and catch my breath before grabbing onto the forward railing and pulling myself up the steps into the bleachers.

It didn’t take long for her to feel the vibrations of my approach, letting me know she felt me by sliding down from her seat into the grooves between and bringing her knees into herself. Just let me in, babe. I told you I wanted to be here for you, didn’t I?

I took a seat on the bleachers in front of her, patiently sitting in silence while she finished her song. I could tell she was glancing up at me every now and then through her eyelashes, watching me watch her. She thought she was slick like that, but I had her number.

After a while, she finally pulled out her earbuds and began coiling the wire around her palm, “Thanks for letting me finish my song.”

“Of course.”

She looked up into the sky, fighting her welling tears. I knew that ever since that first night, she had drilled it into herself that she had to be strong for me, but I resented the hell out of that.

“Reyna, it’s okay,” I did my best to soothe her, “You can cry if you want to.”

“I just don’t know what to do, Liv,” her voice trembled as her head fell back down to her knees, “I’ve always been there for her. No matter what. When the kids in middle school made fun of her birthmark, I stomped right over and threw them into the mud. When Pops finally took her to meet her mom, I was there to hold her hand. We may not be related, but I love her like a real sister. Hell, more than a real sister. I want to be there for her now, but I’d be disappointing everyone if I left this late into the season, especially her.”

I scooted in closer to her, waiting for her to lean into me like she usually did, to no avail, “Reyna, look. She has your Pops. She has his parents. She even has Kuno and Pepin, and you know those two will bite the face off of anyone they don’t want coming near her. It’s not that she doesn’t need you by her side right now, because I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you when you come back home, but she wants this for you just as much as you do. You two are the most supportive siblings I’ve ever seen, and your dreams are each other’s dreams. I know she’d be pissed if she found out you were out here worrying about her instead of hanging out with us.”

“That’s what makes it hard,” she expressed, stretching her legs out past me and trying to wipe her flowing tears away, “I know she wants me to be happy right now, but she lost her fucking legs. What if she lost more? I almost lost my sister yesterday, and I wouldn’t have even been there to say goodbye.”

“But you didn’t lose her. She’ll push through it. You Martens are a hardy family. Trust her to get through it. Trust your Pops to help her through it, and be ready to help her through it too when you get home.”

Reyna’s eyes met mine for the first time since I got out here. Her opposite colour eyes always let me in to both sides of her inner dialogue, with one side knowing I was right, and the other not thinking it was that simple. 

“Of course it would be you to find me first,” she weakly laughed, extending her hand out to me. I interlaced my fingers in hers, conveying what left I had to say to her through the touch.

“Glad it wasn’t Mia. She would’ve kicked your ass,” I teased, closing the distance between us and resting my head on her shoulder, “I was supposed to tell Alex when I found you, but maybe we can stay like this for a bit. What do you think?”

She threw her arm around me and leaned in for a kiss, to which I obliged.

“I love you, Olivia.”

I felt my face warming up as I sunk into the bleachers, unconsciously bunching up into an embarrassed ball.

“Say it back,” she demanded, pulling me in closer.

“You caught me off guard. We said we weren’t gonna say it until the time was right,” I pressed my pointer fingers together.

“Is the time not right? Should I take it back?”

“No!” I covered my mouth, realising my volume, “… I love you too, Reyna.”

I didn’t have to look at her to know that she was making that stupid grin that she did whenever she decided she ‘won’. Rather than acknowledge it, I rewarded her a love tap on the stomach.

“Oww.”

“What the hell is this anyway? What happened to me being the cool one who takes the lead?”

“You’ve softened up, Hago,” she teased, pressing her pointer finger into my cheek.

“Yeah? You’ve hardened, Marten. What’s that say about you?”

She dropped her voice several octaves, “Just means I’m becoming the man you always needed me to be.”

I wacked her finger away as we giggled together, absorbing the moment under the sprawling Pennsylvania sky and the shimmering starscape. Whether or not this is the future I planned for when I first smiled at her in Lucas Oil Stadium, I was happy she was mine, and I was hers. I found myself wishing that we could stay here in this moment, forever.

_————————————————————_

_My Body is a Cage - Erin Georgiadi, 2 Years Ago_

_————————————————————_

“It’s literally just about girls drinking tea.”

I raised my bottle in rebuttal to Tristan’s assessment, “It’s so much deeper than that, if you just gave it another chance you’d see that. Look, the first season—“

Carson’s sudden hand on my shoulder pulled me out of my enthralling discussion, “Erin, can you take Reyna over to the dorms? She’s too drunk to drive home.”

“Of course, uh,” I surveyed the room, seeing no sign of the cat-eyed wonder, “Where is she?”

“On the roof,” Adrian called from his bed across the room, “She always goes up there when she’s drunk.”

“Jesus, and you guys let her? ‘Cause that’s safe.”

Tristan let his stoner giggle leak out as he explained, “You try stopping her. She’s strong sober, and she can’t control that power when she’s drunk.”

My hands flew apart in confusion, “Guys, she’s five-foot-six, and a nineteen year-old girl.”

“—Who walks around with a thirty-pound tuba on her shoulder all summer, for fun.”

“So do I. Big whoop.”

“It’s cooler when girls do it,” Carson unnecessarily added as I pulled my corps jacket off the hanger on the door and let myself out.

I guess it is cooler when girls do it, huh. Oh well.

I shoved my arms through the sleeves as I strolled through the ‘affordable’ hallway of Adrian’s apartment building, trying to ignore the undeniable stench of weed emanating from every other door. Despite my distaste for the Greenhouse, I still came over every time Adrian threw together a function. It’s free alcohol and a good time with good friends, who wouldn’t?

Babysitting Reyna was starting to get on my nerves, though. It was way more tolerable whenever Mia, Alex, or both of them were present to help, but that girl could not hold her liquor worth a damn. Regardless, Olivia was my best friend, and goddammit if I was gonna let her girlfriend get herself in trouble on my watch. Didn’t hurt that she was an adorable drunk, when she wasn’t throwing shit.

As I made it through the front entryway of the Greenhouse, I took a sharp heel-turn and searched the roof for the hammered lesbian. She was lesbian, right? Fuck it, I dunno.

“Georgiadi, think fast,” she shouted as she lobbed a half-empty water bottle at my chest, knocking me back a step or two. Yup, she’s ‘throwing shit’ drunk.

After her sneak attack, I caught her outstretched arm splayed across the peak of the roof, leaving only that and her sloppy face visible. Jesus, was she drooling on the shingles?

“Reyna,” I questioned, hoping to God she wouldn’t try to stand up right now, “How’d you get up there, you raging alcoholic?”

“Ask your mom, she helped me up after we banged,” she babbled, half-assedly flicking her arm in my direction.

“There’s a ladder out back, isn’t there?”

She jumped back at my claim, quickly glancing over her shoulder and kicking at the obscured ladder, “Nuh-uh.”

“I hate you sometimes,” I remarked as I walked to the useless, minuscule fence and vaulted over with relative ease.

“Tell it to your lame glasses, Harry Potter.”

As I rounded the corner, the afore-mentioned ladder came into view, along with an empty, lone bottle of flavoured vodka at the foot. I was wondering where that bottle went. Not wanting to risk her trying to get down by herself, I promptly scaled the ladder and joined her on the roof, taking a seat next to her sprawled out person. At this point, she looked more like a spilled bowl of ramen than a person.

“Where’s the anger coming from, VQ?” I interrogated, confiscating her second water bottle before she had a chance to throw it.

“I’m not angry. I’m drunk, I should be happy,” she lamented, queuing me in to the possibility of a motive.

“But you’re not happy?”

She blew a raspberry at me as she rolled onto her back, revealing that she had lost her shirt at some point in the night, and her lacy bralette was not enough coverage for this side of Kapareno, even with the jacket.

“Don’t roll again. If you fall off this roof and hurt yourself, Liv will kick my ass,” I relayed, doing my best to keep my eyes off the transparent bralette.

“She’d probably congratulate you.”

“Why, is she mad at you or somethin’?”

Reyna let out a heavy sigh before elaborating, “She’s mad ‘cause Alex and I keep accidentally making out when we get drunk.”

I shrugged, “Easy solution: either stop getting drunk or stop getting drunk with Alex.”

She rolled back in my direction, propping her head up with her hands, “Easy for you to say. What do you have to get drunk over?”

I could get drunk over the fact that I’m being friendzoned by a girl I’ve been in love with since high school and now I’m being coerced into taking care of her hot girlfriend when she gets plastered.

“What do _you_ have to get drunk over?” I spun the question back around at her, knowing she’d answer in her state.

“Sara’s medical bills, Pops not going to his anger management classes anymore, getting used to the new house, Olivia being upset with me,” she whinged, melting into the roof, “I’ve got a lot on my mind, George.”

“And your solution is to drink? That’s not healthy.”

Her face scrunched and tears began to form, with her throwing her forearm over her eyes to shield them, “I know, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s all so much, and I just keep doing shitty things and making it worse for myself.”

Here we go. Every time she gets drunk, she has a breakdown. I felt bad at first, but now I just got annoyed.

“Well, you can have a lot on your mind at Mia’s dorm. I’ve been recruited to escort you there,” I grunted, shifting myself up onto the peak of the roof.

She sniffed as she began to wipe away the waterworks, “Carry me.”

I did a double-take at her upon hearing her unconventional request, instantly regretting the decision after noticing her teary eyes peering up at me so innocently.

“Zip up your jacket, first,” I politely requested, keeping my eyes away as she switched to a sitting position.

She looked down at herself, patted her stomach, then returned her attention to me, “No. It’s too hot.”

I let my ultimatum fall to the wayside as I weighed the pros and cons, “Fine, but don’t whine to me if your new piercings start to hurt again.”

“They’re healed, now. Wanna see?”

“Just get on my back.”

She obliged, wrapping her arms around my neck and placing her legs on either side of me. I took hold of them and raised myself to my feet, carefully proceeding down the roof towards the step-ladder.

“Latch on,” I directed, placing my foot on the first step. 

Her legs locked together across my torso as I seized both sides of the ladder and cautiously descended, one step at a time.

“You’re really stronk, Erin,” she complimented as I placed my hands under her unreasonably thick thighs once more.

“Thanks,” I replied, stepping back over the fence, “I walk around with a thirty-pound tuba on my shoulder all summer, for fun.”

“I do too, though.”

“It’s cooler when I do it.”

“I guess it is hotter when you do it,” she mumbled, letting her cheek mold onto my shoulder.

Excuse me?

I brushed it off as I carried on down the street, occasionally hiking her back up as she slid down, eventually conceding to leaning forward to ensure she didn’t fall off backwards. Babysitting might have its perks sometimes, I guess. This was gonna kill my back, though.

As we continued down the poorly lit street, I held on tighter as she recoiled at every dog bark and car passing on the main road just a block away. Her recoils got progressively less and less violent, letting me know that she was coming down from her stupor. Thank God, the implications of a white-appearing guy carrying an ambiguously tan girl down the street, through the hood, at midnight was starting to dawn on me. The sooner she could walk for herself, the better.

Just as that thought came and went, the previously obscured dorm buildings drew closer, with my destination, Building Thirteen, now within my sights.

“Don’t take me to Mia’s dorm,” Reyna quietly murmured next to my ear, “Liv is over there watching a movie with them right now. I don’t want to see her until I’m completely sober.”

I sighed in exasperation, slowing my pace at the suggestion, “Where am I supposed to take you, then?”

“Your dorm. Where else?”

I came to a full stop, “Uh, why? At midnight? My RA will shoot me for having a girl in the dorm this late, then give you a fine for trespassing.”

“Why does your RA have to know?”

“He’ll find out whether I want him to know or not.”

Realising she was losing her argument, fast, she tightened her grip around me, brushing her fingertips across my chest, “C’mon, Erin. I’ll make it up to you.”

While I subconsciously wanted to hear her out, I fought my primal urges, “No. You’re drunk, meaning you can’t reasonably consent, and you have a girlfriend.”

“Erin, Liv and I aren’t dating. We decided to not put a label on it until we’re both ready, and based on how things are currently going, that’s not gonna happen any time soon. Plus, I’m not drunk anymore. Look.”

I turned my head towards her, with her taking the opportunity to steal a kiss. It took all of my willpower to not drop her at the surprise betrayal. That was a clever move, though, I’ll give her that.

“Reyna, no. Liv is my best friend,” I protested, feeling my chivalry fading away by the second, “I don’t want to do that to her.”

She took my reluctance in stride by rubbing her basically bare chest against my back, “I saw you trying not to look at my tits on the roof. You don’t have to pretend you’re not hot for me. C’mon, scratch my back, I’ll suck your dick.”

“Do you hear yourself?”

“I just hear a reasonable offer.”

Against all of my better judgements, I allowed myself to consider it for a moment. It had been way too long since I’d gotten laid, and a perfect opportunity was on my back right now. Sure, it wasn’t the most morally sound way to go about it, but judging based on the tent forming in my jeans, I wasn’t sure how much I really cared.

“Promise you’ve sobered up?” I blurted out, letting my worst impulses make the decision for me.

“If you don’t believe me,” she added on to her proposal, “You get drunk, too. Then we’ll both have an excuse.”

I couldn’t tell if it was the previous four drinks I’d had that night, my fatigue, or my libido, but I found myself redirecting from Building Thirteen to Building One. I knew in my heart of hearts that this was a poor judgement call, but for some reason, I wasn’t stopping myself.

When Reyna Marten wanted something, she was gonna get it, and in a few minutes, I guess I would, too.

_————————————————————_

_Wicked Game - Reyna Marten, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

Yup, there’s the post-nut clarity. Fuck, what am I doing?

My guilt increased as Gabi draped herself over me, our panting adjusting to fall in sync after the connection. After a moment of rest, I bent to my left to grab my ‘just-in-case’ towel that I had left by the bedside and lazily wiped my mouth clean, then tossed it to my feet.

“You’re good, VQ,” she purred while tracing circles around my ‘Exit Music’ tattoo.

“I’m never gonna be able to hear that nickname the same way now,” I disclosed, slipping my arm under her head and letting my fingers tap a check pattern on her bare back.

She let out a hushed chuckle, shaking the both of us, “Whoops. I barely ever hear anyone call you Reyna anymore, besides the Rasgado clique. Gotta wonder if any of the rookies even know your name.”

“Part of me hopes they don’t. I’m getting comfortable with VQ and Reyna being two different people.”

“Which one are you right now?”

I cocked my head at her question, then threw it back into the pillow, “Touché, Trentini.”

“Oof. Yeah, I get what you mean now. Now I’m just gonna think about you eating me out whenever the guard calls me that,” she playfully gagged.

We sat in silence for a moment as we tried to disassociate our tour nicknames with our flirtationship before she began, “So, what’s the story behind Olivia and Erin?”

“Don’t get me started on that,” I sighed, taking my hand off her back and throwing it into the comforter.

“It’s all the guard has been gossiping about. They told me to ask you in exchange for not gossiping about us.”

“Please tell me we’re not just fucking so you can win points with your section.”

“Reyna,” she planted her arm on the other side of me and raised herself up to look me in the eye, “We’re fucking because you’re hot and we both like girls.”

I interjected, predicting her next words, “But…”

“But I’m the guard captain now. It’s easier to do that when I have respect, and for some reason, participating in the gossip earns me respect. Throw me a bone.”

“I just did. Give me a few minutes to recharge and I’ll throw you another.”

“Ha ha,” she mocked as she sent her leg over to match her arm and straddle me, “Come on, what’s the deal with them? You don’t have to tell me how it relates to your breakup with her, I just want to know why she’s gone hetero.”

I scoffed, setting my hands behind my head and appreciating the view of her toned caramel body, “She hasn’t gone anything. She’s bi, everyone just thinks she’s lesbian ‘cause her and I have been together since Sundance folded before last season and they joined us. Erin and her marched there together, and went to high school together. She probably just decided it was the easy answer to piss me off.”

She pressed her hands to my stomach in contemplation, “Why would that piss you off? I thought that you and Erin fucked, too?”

“It’s because of that, and she always talked about how Erin was ‘just a friend’ and she never ‘saw him that way.’ I’m sixty-eight percent convinced that’s the only reason she hangs on his arm between rehearsal blocks.”

“Is she really that petty?”

“I am.”

Gabi crossed her arms and furrowed her brow, “Then what’s this?”

“This,” I propped myself up and brought my face to hers, “Is because you’re hot and you like girls.”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you even really care?” I began interrogating, “You said you just wanted to be friends with benefits. Don’t tell me you caught feelings.”

She scoffed at my words, snapping her head around towards the wall, “I haven’t, but what if I do? Is this how you’re gonna act? That’s pretty shitty, Reyna.”

“Is it?”

All I wanted at the moment was to get around. I had wasted my senior year, freshman year of college, and last drum corps season in a half-commitment that didn’t pay off, and I frankly wasn’t looking for another any time fucking soon. I didn’t understand what was so bad about just wanting to hook up a few times a week and not have any emotional attachment. For fuck’s sake, I’m very clear about that being all I want every time I go into one of these, but it always ends with the other person wanting more. Did I really think that Gabi was gonna be any different?

“Gabi,” I sighed, plotting my non-apology, “If you do catch feelings, I promise I’ll be more understanding. If you have already, I’m sorry if I hurt them. I’m just really not looking for that right now. Everything that’s happened between Liv and I for the past few months has been hell, and I’m not trying to put anyone else through that. In all honesty, if you’re looking for a commitment, I’m a terrible wager. I like you ‘cause you’re a goddamn rocket and you’re fun to be around, but don’t try to put a ring on me.”

Her gaze carefully drifted back my way, her eyes settling on mine. They weren’t the nicest words, and they might not have been the ones she wanted to hear, but all a girl can do is be more honest than she was the day before.

“Okay, I’ll take it,” she conceded, casting her arms around my neck and smiling.

“We probably shouldn’t fuck again if we want to wake up in time for rehearsal,” I added, “But we can totally make out for a bit if you want.”

“I do want.”

“Dope.”

As her lips met mine, my mind drifted off to contemplate how I’d gotten here. I thought back to that moment in Pennsylvania last year, under the stars with Olivia, when she had convinced me that we could take on the world. How did it end up going so wrong? Was it really all just my fault? Did I miss her or did I just miss the feeling of knowing someone had my back? Yeah, I had Carson, Alex, Mia, and more, but I’d lost something really special with Liv, something that I was actively fighting another chance at, whether with her or anyone else.

I should get a shrink. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to drink, smoke, and fuck these thoughts away.


	11. Exit Music, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Adagio in G Minor by Remo Giazotto  
> Saro by The Westerlies  
> Elsa’s Procession by Richard Wagner  
> Exit Music by Noordpool Orchestra
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains themes of trauma that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

_This chapter of Yamada Daigaku exclusively includes Original Characters. These events are crucial to Reyna’s characterisation, and thusly have been included despite the lack of KyoAni characters and a Japanese setting._

_————————————————————_

_Adagio in G Minor - Erin Georgiadi, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

“George.”

I peered down past the edge of the parking garage I had been hanging my feet off of to see Mia and Sano standing beneath. Mia had her hand on her hip disapprovingly, and Sano was clutching her arm worriedly. I had a feeling I knew what this was gonna be about.

“What’s the gig, Shields?” I responded, idly kicking my feet to and fro.

“Can you get Olivia on the horn? Sano lost her a while ago and has been wanderin’ around the beach alone like a lost puppy,” Mia commanded.

“What, so everyone thinks I’m Liv’s keeper now? Just ‘cause we’ve been hanging out?”

“Yes.”

I let out a heavy sigh, then pushed myself up to my feet, “Fuck it, gimme a sec.”

Not wanting to get on Mia’s bad side, I hastily made my way down the staircase down to them. Can’t a guy just have a free day to relax? All this fuckin’ gossip has been making my head hurt, and I’d really hoped to get away from all of the melodrama for just one damn day. But no, I’m probably gonna have to come to Liv’s rescue once again.

After a moment of descending the staircase, I reached the two, taking a lean on the wall of the garage since this was probably gonna take a minute.

“Do you know where she could be?” Mia interrogated as she joined me on the wall.

“She said she wanted to get hammered, so probably wherever she could get a drink,” I remarked, recalling her earlier planning session after the parade.

“You don’t think she’s—“

“Oh I definitely think she’s with Reyna. She wouldn’t shut up about her last night. I swear, those two are more trouble apart than they ever were together.”

Mia shifted suspiciously as Sano popped a squat in front of us, “I thought you’d be more upset about them reuniting, considering what everyone’s been saying about you two.”

“Christ, Mia,” I groaned, “You too? I haven’t laid a finger on Liv, even when she wanted me to. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Wish you would’ve had a conscience about stuff like that when you were supposed to bring Reyna to my dorm last semester.”

“That’s exactly why I have a conscience about it now. I don’t want to be a part of their toxic-ass love triangle.”

As I explained to Mia my position in their mess, I couldn’t help but notice how attentively Sano was watching us. It was almost starting to creep me out.

“Regardless,” Mia concluded, “If you could track them down for me, I’d appreciate it. Might even skim an extra chicken patty for you tomorrow for your efforts.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her lame excuse for bribery, “That’s an abuse of power.”

“An abuse of power that I’m extending to you, and to Sano to keep her quiet about it.”

“Powa corrupts, and absolute powa corrupts absolutely,” Sano recited as Mia helped her up off the ground.

“Who taught you that?” Mia giggled, dusting her hands off on her overalls, “That’s what the powerless tell themselves to make us with power feel bad.”

I recoiled at what was hopefully a joke, “Well, alright then. I’ll see what I can do, boss.

As she nodded in acknowledgement and led Sano back down the hill, I pulled out my phone and began scrolling through the probable locales. If I were Olivia and Reyna, where would I go after getting sloshed?

Wait a minute. After realising I had a brain, I closed out my maps, opened Clapchat, and found Liv’s contact, remembering that she left her location services on and would appear on their maps.

Boom, they’re at the housing site. Wait, why are they at the housing site? What’s so interesting about a high school on a hill during the biggest Fourth of July celebration on the West Coast?

As I began speculating, I realised exactly what was so interesting, or rather, so secluded and private about a high school on a hill during the biggest Fourth of July celebration on the West Coast. Everyone in the corps, including staff and volunteers, were down by the beach or on the strip, leaving the high school completely empty. Christ, I really hope I didn’t end up walking in on them. Or did I?

Just as I was about to pocket my phone, it came to life with the sounds of _Super Driver_ , my ringtone. I forgot to even look at who was calling before I answered.

_“Erin,”_ Carson’s voice emitted from the microphone, _“Where are you? You’re missing the sword tournament. Jesse is gonna go up against Hawkes. It kinda reminds me of Empire Strikes Back.”_

“What, ‘cause he’s her dad? Weak reference, bub. Please tell me you’re referring to the Serf swords.”

_“No, they found real swords and are about to fight to the death. Of course I’m talking about the Serf swords.”_

I sighed in resignation that I would continue to miss out on such a spectacle, “I’m searching for Liv and VQ at the moment, upon Mia’s request. Save me a dance?”

_“Of course, I’m still hankering for revenge after you kicked my ass in Chino Hills. Be careful when you find them, and expect a cat fight. Reyna’s been bitching about you two every chance she gets.”_

“I’ve dealt with drunk Reyna before, it’s drunk Olivia I’m worried about. Never even heard of her drinking before today,” I professed as I passed from the main strip back into the residential zone atop the hill.

_“Oh, they’re drunk? Good fuckin’ luck with that. Anyways, hurry back once you’ve found them. The fireworks won’t wait for you.”_

“Got it, talk to you then.”

_“Talk to ya.”_

Now I have an alibi. Not entirely sure whether or not that would end up working in my favour or not, but there’s no way to know until I knew.

As I crossed the street leading into the high school’s parking lot, I began preparing myself for what came next. I had been sure that I would find them fucking, but Carson’s call presented the possibility that I’d find them with black eyes and bruises. I really, really hoped that wouldn’t be the case, considering they’d both probably get kicked out of the corps.

Now, where in the school would they be? I passed through the entrance next to the food truck, then turned my hearing up to eleven, knowing that if they were boning, I’d be able to hear Reyna from across the school. After putting my ear to several walls, I picked up nothing, and started to wonder if they would even be inside the school. The field would be much more private at this time, but that would also be grody as all hell.

Before I could explore that option, the uproar of inebriated laughter exploded from the male showers just past the gym we had been sleeping in. Good Lord, please tell me my ears were lying to me. Not wanting to believe it, I proceeded in, carefully rounding every bend.

As I peeked around the wall separating the hallway and the locker room, I caught the sight of them, entangled in each other on the bench, with the beige-skinned redhead on top and the almond-skinned brunette beneath. I managed to tear my eyes away to slip back around the corner, just to slip on a puddle and bust my ass, falling into their view.

The two gasped in unison, locking eyes with me as I helplessly laid there on the nasty tile, struggling to keep my eyes on theirs and nowhere else.

“George! Thank God, I thought we were busted for a second there,” Reyna cackled, with Olivia bouncing her attention between her and me in astonishment.

“Erin, what the hell are you doing here? Why aren’t you down at the beach with everyone else?” Olivia took that shrill tone that she always had when she was scolding me.

I groaned as I brought myself to my feet and turned my back to them, “I could ask you the same thing. Mia sent me to look for you, and you left your location on Clapchat. Just glad you two aren’t fighting.”

“Why would we be fighting? We love each other.”

Oh, Christ. Here we go. Guess she’s a sappy drunk. I never knew.

“Why don’t you join us, Erin?” Reyna purred as I heard their feet meet the floor and echo towards me.

I swallowed my increasing concerns, “I just want to get back down to the beach, guys. Please get dressed and come with me.”

I nearly jumped out of my skin as I felt both of their damp bodies press against either side of me, soaking my outfit and making me wish God would stop testing me so, knowing I would fail.

“The beach can wait,” Olivia whispered into my ear, using all of her assets to her advantage in convincing me to stay, “Come on, you’ve already fucked Reyna. I’m jealous.”

“You’re not jealous, you’re drunk. Please get your tits off me now.”

It was Reyna’s turn to latch onto me, “We’re not drunk anymore. Look.”

“Not falling for that again.”

“Have it your way,” she waltzed around to my front, raising up on her tiptoes to press her nose against mine and plant her hands on my shoulders, “You aren’t gonna get this chance again, why not take it?”

As she walked me over to the bench they had just been laying on, I found myself not resisting as much as I hoped I would’ve. My eyes stopped struggling to deny myself the heavenly view, and I obediently let myself be disrobed. I thought I was better than being seduced again, but here I was. About to get laid by the two hottest girls in the corps, who had just so happened to be the same two girls ruining my life for the past few months. If nothing else, maybe this would make it all worth it.

If not, then whatever. I finally got to sleep with Olivia, and Reyna wasn’t half-bad, either.

_————————————————————_

_Saro - Olivia Hago, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

“Just how many tattoos are you gonna get, Liv?” Mia chuckled as we evacuated her car, “What is that, like the ninth one? You’re gonna run out of space soon enough.”

I gently ran my hand across the fresh ink just beneath my collarbones, “I hope to, one day. My body is a temple, and I want it to be a pretty temple.”

“It’s a temple, is it? Temples include dragons now?”

“It’s a sick dragon.”

She scoffed mockingly, stepping up onto the sidewalk towards the dorms, “Just ‘cause you finally watched _Dance of Thrones_ after however long it ended? Aren’t tattoos supposed to have meaning?”

“Yeah, some of them,” I elaborated, pointing to the chrysanthemum on my thigh, “This one represents both my purity and depression. Others are just meant to look cool, like this dragon.”

“Do whatever makes you happy, I guess.”

“I always do.”

Saying that made me almost believe it. However, for the past few months, nearly everything I’d been doing hadn’t made me any more joyous or content. Ever since the Seaside free day with Reyna and Erin, I’d been shoved into a number of bullshit situations that only seemed to cause more grief than happiness. The only candles in the darkness had been the girls minus Reyna, the Outriders making Finals, and Sano keeping in touch. Other than those three things, life had settled into a series of unfortunate events, one after another.

These watch parties at Mia’s dorm were the last chance for my sanity, but for some reason, I had a weird feeling tonight. Alex rain-checked, Allison and Autumn went home for the weekend, and Haley was at her alma mater’s football game, meaning it would just be the two of us.

As we neared Building Thirteen, I spotted a familiar Suzuki motorcycle parked in the general area in front of it. I immediately knew what Mia was up to.

“Mia,” I implored, stopping in my tracks and crossing my arms, “What’s Reyna’s bike doing here?”

“Reyna’s bike is here?” her eyes awkwardly darted around, “Oh, yeah, I guess it is. Wonder what she’s doin’ in dorms so late. Probably talkin’ to Luna about band leadership stuff, I’d wager.”

“Drop the act. This is just like you, Mamma Mia.”

She halted on the first stair up to her room, gazing down at me over her shoulder, “Alright, you caught me. But come on, she’s waitin’ for us.”

“I do _not_ want to talk to her,” I berated, “You two forced me to suffer through her all season, even after she said all that shit about how Seaside was my fault and tried to turn the color guard against me. I need a two month break from her, at the very fucking least.”

“I’m sorry, but you don’t get one. I’m tired of having to choose whether to hang out with you or her. You’re both my friends, and I want to hang out with both of you without you two tryin’ to kill each other. You don’t have to kiss and make up, just agree to disagree.”

I scowled Mia down, knowing that she had a point and was being more than fair about her motivations, but fucking hell. Why did she always have to play mediator? She was one of my best friends, but holy shit were her quirks annoying sometimes.

“Fine,” I resigned reluctantly, “But I retain the right to leave whenever I want.”

“Of course, Your Grace,” she groaned in reply, continuing up the steps and beckoning me to follow suit.

I marched up the staircase, letting my stomping shout for me. Finally to the door, Mia pushed it open to reveal Reyna, sitting surprisingly properly on the couch, in stark contrast to her usual man-spreading. Our eyes met for a brief moment before she shamefully averted them, telling me all I needed to know about how she was gonna beg for forgiveness this time.

I’d be lying if I said she didn’t look beautiful, though. While it was still in her hat, she had her hair down, a rare sight that she knew I went crazy for, plus she was wearing the yellow crop top I got her for her birthday last year. Her hand was stacked, but she’d tipped it too far for it to matter.

“I’m gonna go hang out in Luna’s dorm for a while,” Mia backed towards the door, “You two talk your business out. Call me when you’ve come to some sort of agreement.”

As she slinked out, I crossed my arms once more, sending Reyna the quizzical look she deserved, and waiting for her to make the first move.

“Hey, Liv,” she quietly opened, “The dragon looks nice. Get it done at the tattoo shop in town?”

“Small talk? That’s really how you want to start your apology?”

She rose to her feet, interlacing her hands as she approached, “Okay. Look, I’m sorry. I haven’t been myself for the past few months, and I took that out on you. That wasn’t fair of me.”

“Haven’t been yourself?” I contended, “Reyna, I was by your side when Sara got in her accident. I’ve seen you when you ‘haven’t been yourself,’ and what you did with Erin, with Gabi, and with me _and_ Erin at Seaside, that’s just you being shitty. That excuse isn’t gonna cut it.”

“Yeah, and what will?” she dropped her diplomatic persona, letting her hostility reveal itself, “I’m sorry that my shitshow has been causing me to act out in ways that are inconvenient to you, but I’m not really sure what to do, or why I’m doing what I’m doing in reaction to it all. Home life has been taking a shit all over me since Pops left for his deployment, with Sara’s ungrateful ass being more than I can handle between you, the corps, and the college breathing down my neck.”

“Inconvenient? Breathing down your neck? Are you fucking joking? You cheated on me, Reyna, and when I got upset with you for it, you did it again, with my childhood best friend. Then, the season starts up and you start hooking up with the guard captain to make me jealous, just to drop her like a rock when you hear I’m drunk and you have a chance to get in my pants again. To top it all off, you blame me for it to anyone that will listen and slander my name to the guard, like that would help your case at all. Is that all or do you want to come clean about anything else?”

“Cheated? We weren’t dating, Liv. I don’t remember saying my vows or putting a ring on your finger. You never said you wanted exclusivity, you just assumed that I wanted that, too. You used to tell me exactly what you wanted, you used to talk to me, but ever since we got to Rasgado, it’s like you expect me to read your mind. Well, I’m sorry but I can’t.”

I threw my arms apart, not believing what I was hearing, “You said you loved me! You don’t say that to just anyone. I’m sorry that I thought those words had meaning, and I’m so sorry I tied you down by wanting to be yours and you to be mine. I thought we had something special, Reyna. I didn’t realise I was just another one of your fuck-buddies.”

“You weren’t just another one of my fuck-buddies, you were my favorite fuck-buddy.”

“ _Please_ tell me you’re trying to be funny. That’s the most insensitive thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“What do you want from me?” she inquired in a much calmer voice than everything she’d said since I walked through the door.

“I want you to stop toying with me,” I scorned, “I loved you, but I don’t even know who you are anymore. This isn’t the Reyna I fell in love with.”

“Why did you love that Reyna? She was pathetic. She didn’t know who she was and let everyone step on her, including you.”

“I’d rather have someone pathetic than a cold-hearted bitch.”

“Don’t call me a bitch.”

“Then stop being a bitch.”

She grimaced at my words, “I’ll stop being a bitch when you stop being a controlling cunt.”

My anger took over as my hand flew into her cheek, the impact echoing through the dorm. As she put her hand to the point of impact, she ominously turned back to me, her eyes screaming with a ferocity I’d never seen from her before, with the red one ablaze and the blue one frigid. The next thing I knew, she had taken hold of both my arms and slammed me against the wall, staring into my soul as my legs flailed into hers, trying to knock her off-balance and free myself from the pin-down.

While I was struggling, the sleeves of my jacket slid down my arms, revealing my wrists. Reyna noticed and jumped back several feet at the sight of my fresh scars, her expression quickly turning to one of horror.

“Olivia! What the fuck?!”

My eyes began to well up, my guilt bursting out into my words, “This is what happens when you play with people’s emotions, Reyna. They start to wonder if they’re the problem, if they’re not enough. They begin to hate themselves, then they hurt themselves.”

Her tears began to flow as well, “Don’t you dare pin that on me. You can’t slit your wrists just because you think you’re not enough for me. You’re too good for me, goddammit! Please, for the love of God, stop hurting yourself because I can’t trust myself, you, or fucking anyone.”

“What? Reyna, what are you saying?”

She looked up to the ceiling, trying to fight the waterworks, “You were never the problem. It’s me. It’s always been me. Me and my insane trust issues. I couldn’t trust that someone like you really loved someone like me, so I tested it. I kept testing it. I didn’t want you to waste your time with me, so I tried to drive you away. It’s toxic. I’m toxic. I don’t know why I can’t just accept your love, but I can’t.”

My own tears overflowed at the realisation, and the overwhelming urge to take her into my arms began to emerge.

“I don’t care if you can’t trust anyone or trust that I really love you,” I choked, “Because I do love you. I don’t know why, but even after how much you’ve hurt me, I still love you. So much it hurts more to know that you don’t trust yourself than it hurt when I thought you were just being shitty.”

“I am being shitty,” she whimpered, falling down onto the floor, “I don’t know how to not be shitty.”

I gave up on holding myself back and joined her on the floor, taking her face into my hands and looking her in the eye, “Then let me help you. I told you I wanted to be here for you, didn’t I?”

“…I don’t deserve you.”

“I don’t care.”

I pulled her face to mine and kissed her, knowing that it would likely cause me more pain down the line and not caring. In this moment, I wanted nothing more than to be hers, and for her to be mine. Whether she really was toxic, whether she really did hate herself beyond the point of loving me, I didn’t care. I loved Reyna Marten, and I was willing to submit myself to whatever wicked games came next as a result.

As I pulled away and looked upon her again, she weakly smiled, “Your breath smells like onions.”

I laughed, moving my hands from her cheeks to her incredible thighs, “Then your cooch is about to smell like onions, too.”

“What a blessing,” she teased, then pressed her lips against mine once more.

_————————————————————_

_Elsa’s Procession - Haley Lovecraft, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

_She had an almond complexion paired with a smattering of moles and a midnight mane that she regularly wore in a flowing ponytail nestled neatly in a ball-cap. Around her neck hung an array of triangular charms, the ones from The Outriders Drum and Bugle Corps. I knew she was just another college student, like me, but her myriad of tattoos, array of piercings, and revealing attire accentuating her slender build struck me as particularly mature and appealing. I had a hunch that I liked girls, but it wasn’t until her heterochromatic eyes met mine that I knew._

“Careful, HP. If you drop that, Reyna will get pissed.”

I heeded Mia’s words and clutched my bottle tighter, electing to stuff it into the mesh cup-holder on my lawn chair. After securing it, I returned my attention to the lake ahead. Rather, I continued admiring Reyna, carelessly drifting atop her pool float. The mesh windows on her one-piece swimsuit left little to the imagination, and I wouldn’t dare pry my eyes away. 

“HP is a pretty uncreative nickname,” Olivia laughed, “Have we stooped below the point of making H. P. Lovecraft jokes at Haley’s expense?”

I took a moment to examine Olivia, the object of Reyna’s affections. Seeing her in this setting made me even more certain that I couldn’t compete. With her voluminous, coral mane, ample breasts, and collection of large, colourful tattoos against my short, black bob cut, disappointing chest, and bare skin, I knew I could never compare. All I could do is appreciate from afar, as I’ve always done.

“Her parents named her Haley Petra, not me. Plus, she doesn’t mind it, right?” Mia turned to me, awaiting my reply.

I politely smiled, glancing at her in acknowledgement, “I like it. Makes me sound more intimidating than I am.”

“I wouldn’t fuck with ya. All that glass in your glasses and your eyes are barely ever open. It may be RBF, or maybe you’ve got a Cthulhu of your own.”

“Mia,” Olivia questioned mockingly, “Have you ever read _The Call of Cthulhu_?”

“I simply do not read,” she rebutted, taking a long swig from her drink.

Even with their debate about my newfound nickname, I couldn’t look away from the exquisite sight that was Reyna Marten in a swimsuit. I admit, I may have been a touch too enthusiastic when I accepted the invitation to join them on the lake with this view in mind, but it would’ve been worth it even if I’d been figured out. I’d figured I would be more guilty about ogling her with Olivia sitting right there, but I didn’t feel a shred of sin.

“Do you want to borrow my floatie?” Olivia inquired from across Mia, grabbing said inner tube and motioning it towards me, “Someone should probably check on them.”

I hadn’t even realised Alex was out there too until Olivia alluded as such, “Yeah, thank you. I’ll go check on them.”

As I rose from my seat, acquired the float, placed it around my waist, and stepped into the water, I began to grow increasingly distressed about what I would say to her when I made it out that far. Talking to her fully clothed was problematic enough, but now, with nearly everything on full display, the words dissolved in my head before I could form them.

Resting my chin on the edge of the ring and kicking, I struggled to form any thoughts that weren’t her full hips, her tight waist, her powerful thighs, her perfectly-sized bust, her toned stomach, her prominent collarbones, her callipygian…

I think I’m losing it. I shook my head violently, attempting to regain my composure as I approached, hearing their laughter and losing my nerve immediately. Yet, I continued swimming, unable to deny myself the view of her up-close.

“HP! Got tired of the land-lubbers?” Alex beckoned, struggling to keep herself afloat on her flimsy air-raft.

“I guess,” I stammered, slowing my paddling as I drew nearer, “Olivia said someone should check on you two.”

Reyna turned over at the sound of my voice, her gleaming eyes meeting mine. I felt my cheeks flush as she smiled at me, extending a hand to pull me in. I sheepishly took it, allowing her considerable strength to send my pool float into hers.

“Careful of your glasses,” she commented as the splash reached up from the collision.

“I totally forgot to take them off,” I released a single, awkward chuckle and averted my eyes.

“We were just about to talk about our body counts,” Reyna remarked, repositioning herself for optimal floatation, “Care to join us?”

“I don’t think I’ll have much to contribute.”

“No? Well don’t worry, keep sticking with us all we’ll help you with that, if you want.”

I shrunk into my inner tube, knowing my wild blushing at her offer would reveal my intentions, “Perhaps. Don’t let me keep you two, though.”

“You start then, Alex, I know you’ve got me beat by a few hundred.”

Alex playfully scoffed, “Bitch. Only in numbers. If you hadn’t been tied down since you lost your virginity, you would’ve passed me a while ago.”

Reyna shamefully fidgeted with her ponytail, “Whatever. The first was Grillo, right?”

“Yeah, Grillo in sophomore year in HS, then Kade, Nathaniel, Tim, Warren, Dane, and Matt on prom night.”

“You did not!”

“I did. A mistake, but I did. Then after we got to Rasgado, it was Adrian, Jose, Christian, Tristan, Jay, and most recently, Carson.”

Reyna’s recoil at the last name nearly sent her into the water, “You and Carson? When? Where? How?”

“Is it so surprising?” Alex laughed heartily, “I told you rookie year that I had a crush on him. I was just waiting for you or Dakota to make a move, but when I realised y’all weren’t gonna, I finally went for it on Finals Night this season.”

“So that’s why you’ve been hanging around each other so much recently.”

“You’re next, chief. Yarn us the tale of your late blooming.”

I pulled myself back up and prepared to listen intently, curious to know of anyone else I could compare myself to and re-evaluate my chances.

“Well,” she coughed, “The first was Devon—”

“Reyna,” Alex interjected, “You don’t have to count that.”

I cocked my head at them as Reyna continued, “I don’t have to, but I do. Then, Liv was a week later, Erin happened a few months before we left last season, Gabi was during, and since then, Liv a few more times but no one else new.”

All this time, I’d thought Reyna was a lesbian, but I knew Erin, the tuba guy, and unless I was mistaken, Devon was a male name too.

I also knew Gabi Trentino, the guard captain here at the college and at Outriders last season. Recalling her physique and features and realising how similarly we were built, I suddenly felt much better about my chances.

“Only four? Really? Your immense Chad energy always made me think you’d been around way more than that.”

Reyna crossed her legs and proudly laid back, “If I counted all the people I’ve made out with while drunk, I’d almost match you, but we’re counting full intercourse only.”

“How does full intercourse work with two girls?” I blurted out, realising how naive I sounded.

“Depends person-to-person. I define it as crossing off all of the options.”

Alex jumped in, “And you said you’re a virgin, HP? Out of choice or just a lack of good options?”

I uncomfortably shifted in my pool float, “I guess I just hadn’t really had the desire until recently.”

“Until recently? Who’s the lucky fella?”

“I don’t know if I should say,” I retreated once more, “I’d rather talk to her about it first before I tell anyone.”

“Her, you say?” Reyna inquired, flipping over onto her stomach to face me, “Haley, from a girl who likes girls to another, if you need any help or pointers, let me know what I can do.”

My eyes met with her cleavage before they met with hers, causing my cheeks to flare up again, “Of course. I’ll let you know.”

“Give her some space, Reyna,” Alex reprimanded, dipping her arms into the lake, “You’ll scare her off. Anyways, it’s getting dark, let’s grab Mia and Liv and start heading back.”

“Roger dodger, Vista,” Reyna confirmed, slipping back into her ring, “Race you, Lovecraft.”

“No, thank you,” I declined, wanting to appreciate the view from behind before I lost the chance to do so, “I doubt I’ll be able to compete.”

“Don’t doubt yourself, you probably have a better chance than you think.”

My whole body shivered at the dual implication, causing me to paddle back with much more vigor than I’d come out with.

I couldn’t take any of this. Ever since I’d gotten to Rasgado three months ago, I’d had an unhealthy obsession with Reyna, and up until recently, I’d never said a word to her. I’d overheard from the others that her relationship with Olivia had been pretty rocky in the past, but nowadays they seemed better off than ever. I had probably missed my chance, and that idea punched a hole in my heart, but as long as I could at least befriend her and appreciate her beauty from there, I guess that would be okay.

“Time to go?” Olivia called over from the beach.

“It is getting dark. Don’t wanna be out here when Elton wakes up,” Alex jested as we made our final approach.

Mia heavily sighed as she rose from her lawn chair, “Would you shut up about that alligator? They caught it a month ago.”

“Sacrilege,” Reyna exclaimed, “Elton can never be caught! Blessed be his name!”

Everyone except Mia dropped what they were doing to raise their arms above their heads and clap them together like the jaws of said alligator.

“We should start heading home though,” Olivia commented as she broke down her station, “Who’s going in what cars?”

“I’ll take Haley back to dorms. She brought the least stuff so she can ride with me. Mia, you can hold on to the chairs and floaties, and Liv can be on cooler duty this week.” Reyna volunteered as we made landfall.

In the corner of my eye, I caught Olivia shooting a hateful glare towards Reyna after her proposition. Did she hate cooler duty that much, or was it something else?

“You be careful with her, HP,” Mia cautioned, “She drives that bike like she’s in a GTA game.”

Reyna waved it away as she rubbed herself down with her towel, “I’m a good driver, fuck off.”

“Everyone who’s ridden with Reyna and disagrees, say aye.”

“Aye,” Mia, Olivia, and Alex proclaimed in unison.

Reyna leaned into me to defend herself, causing my face to heat up, “They’re just jealous ‘cause I have a motorcycle and they don’t. Come on, let’s ditch these losers.”

I tied my towel around my waist and scrambled to grab my keys, phone, and shorts, rushing over to join her in scaling the incline back up to our vehicles.

“See you all tomorrow,” I called back with a wave as we passed out of their vision

As we made our way to her motorcycle, I deliberately slowed my pace to walk a few feet behind, shamelessly staring at her rear and savouring the way it creased with her legs as she walked. I knew this was unhealthy, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Which building do you live in again?” Reyna questioned with a glance over her shoulder, catching me red-handed.

“Thirty-one,” I hastily replied, my gaze struggling to find anywhere else to settle.

She lightly giggled at my frenzy, rubbing her neck with her towel, “I have a great ass, I know. Sorry for catching you looking.”

I struggled to find any words to defend myself, and ended up shamefully striding up to walk next to her instead.

“Just between us girls,” she continued, “Who’s the girl that you’ve got eyes for? I won’t tell, I promise.”

“I really shouldn’t. I trust you, but I don’t really think I have a chance,” I fretted, wondering if she knew and was just toying with me.

“You’re a lot cuter than you think, Haley. A lot of girls are into the hipster bookworm vibe you’ve got going on.”

“Thank you, Reyna. I appreciate that.”

After a while of walking, we finally reached the motorcycle. Reyna promptly clicked the trunk open and pulled out a helmet and jacket, then handed them to me. I obliged, taking them and equipping them along with my shorts, then placing my towel in the trunk. Once she had put on her own helmet and jacket, she threw her leg over and straddled the motorcycle, patting the seat behind her for me to join her.

Okay, Haley. You can do this.

In a blind moment of courage, I threw myself onto the bike and gingerly set my hands on her waist, already feeling the ecstasy overcome me.

“You’re gonna have to hold on tighter than that,” she remarked, taking hold of my right hand and planting it directly beneath her left breast.

“Okay,” I trembled, moving the other hand to match it and accidentally brushing against what I assumed was her piercing.

“If you’re that scared, I can call Mia and you can ride back with them,” she caught on to my constant shivering.

“No,” I squeaked, “I can handle it.”

She chuckled, “We’ll see.”

As she suddenly turned on the ignition, I jumped back, earning another giggle from her before she kicked up the stand and we set off. I burned every sensation into my memory, wanting to cherish every second of this divine moment. Every curve, every muscle, everything. This might not have been what I had in mind, but I was glad for my swimsuit already being wet.

_————————————————————_

The college was now in sight. I had steadied myself enough to not tremble at the touch, but it took every fiber of my willpower to keep my hands where they were. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what was right, and I knew those two concepts didn’t overlap.

“Thirty-one, right?” Reyna’s muffled voice asked as we turned into the parking lot.

“Right,” I promptly responded, wishing we had further to go. I didn’t want this night to end, but I hadn’t the slightest clue how to continue it without revealing my affections.

She swiftly pulled into the nearest parking space to my door and awaited my dismount. Miraculously, I managed to pry myself from the embrace and step off of the bike, shedding the helmet and jacket. At this point, the warmth in my cheeks would probably remain until we parted ways, so I elected to keep my face out of her sight.

“Hey, Haley,” she started, dressing down and revealing her entrancing one-piece once more, “Can I ask a favour?”

“Yes, of course,” I mumbled, fighting every urge I had to maintain eye contact.

“Can I come in for a bit? I prefer to get home after my sister’s gone to sleep nowadays.”

No way. Is this really happening?

I subdued my excitement and managed to give a light smile, “Yeah, for sure. Don’t worry about being quiet, my roommates are gone for the weekend.”

“Perfect.”

We set all of the riding gear back into the trunk, retrieving our towels and cloaking ourselves. After she locked the trunk once more, I led the way through the arch and underneath the stairs, arriving at my door. My shaking had returned with a vengeance, causing me to flounder with inserting the key into the lock. It hadn’t been lost on me that the object of my affections was about to come into my dorm, and it was all I could do to hold myself together at that prospect.

“Are you cold?” she inquired from behind me, catching onto my trembling once more, “Probably want to get you under some blankets once we get in there.”

“I— uh,” I was frozen by her words. At this point, I hadn’t the slightest clue if it was just my mind making her sound so suggestive, or she was just being polite.

Managing to finally get the key in, I turned the handle and pressed into the common room, desperately wanting to escape that awkward exchange. She closed the door behind us, surveying the space as we kicked off our water shoes.

“Do you all have separate TVs?”

I nodded, fumbling to figure out what to do next, “Yeah. You can go ahead and get comfortable in my room, it’s the one on the end. I’m gonna tidy up in here real quick.”

She smiled back as she strolled down the hallway and turned into my room, leaving the door ajar even after passing out of view. My eyes nervously bounced between my unsteady hands and the blankets on the couches. As I rushed to fold them neatly and place them in each corner, I fought to clear my head.

I had to be dreaming. There was no way that this was really happening. This was too perfect of a setup. Thinking back to the lessons Olivia gave us on Breathing Gym, I counted the beats in my breaths in an attempt to slow my panic. Four counts in, four counts out. This was too perfect of a setup, so how could I dare waste it? The concepts of right and wrong began to dissolve in my head, leaving only the notion of how perfect this opportunity was.

I mentally slapped myself to my senses, gaining a new purpose as I marched down the hallway and into my dorm, only to be utterly demoralised by the sight of her laying on her side, on my bed. Her right leg was extended all the way to the point of her toes, with her left propped up by her foot, showcasing the supple inside of her thigh. Her right breast had succumbed to gravity, pressing into the other and creating a clear line of cleavage, displayed through the mesh window. My face was now surely crimson, with my feeble attempts to find elsewhere to look failing.

She pivoted her face towards me, leaving it in her left hand as her right clutched the remote, “Mind if I throw something on until I leave?”

“Go ahead,” I managed to reply, scooting the chair out from under the desk and placing it by the bedside. I dare not share the bed with her until I could control myself, so I plopped into said chair, feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

“Do you watch ViewTube much?”

“Not really. I mainly watch Nowflix and Hula.”

“Cool if I put on one of my fav ViewTubers?” she asked as she idled her thumb between the buttons, “Might not be your type of content but he’s funny.”

“You’re my guest,” I replied with a courteous smile, training my eyes on the screen to keep from staring at her.

“Preface: he’s a comedic gaming channel, but my favourite videos from him are his group playing this mil-sim game together and fucking around.”

“Mil-sim?”

“Military simulator.”

“I can see the appeal.”

She let out a breathy laugh as she navigated the menu and typed the channel name into the search bar, “I appreciate that you can see the appeal.”

As she clicked it on, I retreated into my phone for a moment, idly scrolling through my various apps and occasionally glancing up to either her or the screen. I knew what I wanted to do, but I had no clue how to achieve that goal. Is it as simple as climbing up onto the bed and confessing? Or would that be too forward? I had no clue. Instead, I weighed the options in my head until I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Reyna,” I spoke without any plan of what to say next.

“Yes?” she beckoned, pausing the video.

I swallowed my anxieties, “… It’s you.”

“What’s me?”

“The person I’m interested in. It’s you.”

She released a heavy sigh, “I know.”

I snapped around to her in surprise, feeling crushed by her blank expression, “How?”

“I have a really good sense for when people are staring at me, and you stare a lot.”

I sent my gaze to the ground, trying to keep the despair to myself. I had been pretty obvious, hadn’t I?

“Don’t get me wrong,” she disclosed, “You’re cute, Haley. I might even have thought about taking your offer if you’d done so, but even if we’re on a break, I’m trying to be better to Liv, even if she’s been being worse.”

“Being worse?” I curiously drifted back up to her.

“Can you keep a secret?”

“I can.”

“Good,” she groaned, switching from her side to her back, “We had a really bad fight recently, you can probably still see the cut her ring left on my cheek. Since then, she’s felt the need to ‘pay me back’ for everything I’ve done for the past two years by tearing into me for the smallest things, flirting with other people so I can ‘see how it feels,’ and guilting me for stuff I’ve already repented for constantly, but I can’t stay mad at her after I remind myself what I did to her, and what she did to herself.”

I connected the dots between Reyna’s words and the wristbands that Olivia had been wearing recently.

She slipped off of the bed and stood before me, “So even though I would really like to, I can’t.”

As she reached for the doorknob, I spoke out in a last attempt to stop her, “I told you I can keep a secret. We don’t have to tell anyone.”

“I’ve heard that one enough times to know that it doesn’t matter,” she sadly smiled, letting her arm fall limp to her side, “It’s not her knowing about it, it’s the act itself.”

I felt my reservations disappear and my passion for her take over, knowing my window was closing, “I don’t want exclusivity. I won’t try to tie you down, or claim you as my own except for just through the night. I haven’t been able to think straight any time you’re around, and I just want to be rid of it. Olivia doesn’t deserve you. I probably don’t either, but I don’t care. I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone. Please, Reyna.”

Silence fell over my dorm as she stood there by the door, staring at the floor. I rose from my chair, holding my hands to my chest and preparing for the worst. That was such a terrible confession, but I prayed that it was enough.

She cleared her throat as her eyes found mine, “You don’t really have a way with words.”

My gaze fell to the floor again, as I fought the impulse to let my tears of disappointment flow.

Suddenly, she pushed me onto the bed and planted her knees on either side of me. I felt my entire body pass boiling point as she placed her hands by my head and stared deeply into me, her eyes burning with lust and agony. The waves of guilt crashed into me, too late to stop what came next. My hands adopted their own agenda, finding her waist and sliding down to her hips, clutching and squeezing.

“You don’t know what you want, Haley,” she contended, “But don’t worry. I’ll show you.”

I was plunged into a haze of ecstasy as her lips met my neck, filling my mind with sin. My mind screamed no, but every single muscle in my body screamed yes.

This wasn’t a dream, after all. It was a nightmare that I was happy to be living. At least, I’d be happy until it was over.

_————————————————————_

_Exit Music - Reyna Marten, Last Week_

_————————————————————_

I hummed along to the ethereal sounds of the _High Charity Quartet_ bouncing around the stadium several times before finally reaching me, waiting by the food truck by the housing site. I double-checked all of the zippers on my rucksack before popping a squat on it and staring aimlessly into the pitiful selection of stars above. My days as VQ, the tour manager and occasional grill-master were over. I’d said my goodbyes at the beginning of their ensemble block, and I was more than ready to leave America for the next whole year of my life.

I slouched back into my bag, awaiting Danica to come pick me up in the tour van and whisk me away to the Spokane International Airport, leaving all of my problems behind to go forge new ones. I kept telling myself that I probably wouldn’t run into HTT again, but any time I’d thought about my trip to Japan for the past few months since that bus ride, I got the sinking feeling that they’d find me somehow. I guess I wouldn’t mind seeing Reina again, but even that gave me anxiety. All I could do is pray that I didn’t recognise anyone the whole time I was there.

Just as my mind had begun to settle, the scuffling of footsteps coming from the general direction of the stadium caught my ear. Not wanting to look up at the source and spoil the surprise, I began to speculate to myself who could possibly want one last goodbye badly enough to miss the run-through of the show.

What’s the point? I knew damn well who was running up.

The slap of hands on thighs and light wheezing as she caught her breath confirmed my suspicions. She always had a terrible time controlling her breathing on the run. It was a wonder that she managed to secure her spot as mellophone section leader like that.

“Just gonna leave without saying goodbye?” Olivia’s voice seeped through the cracks in my bliss.

I pushed myself up from my uncomfortable leisure, “I thought I already said goodbye at the beginning of block.”

“Yeah, to everyone at once. Thought I’d be important enough to necessitate a private goodbye.”

“You’re right,” I dipped my voice a few octaves for comedic effect, “I sowwy.”

She extended a hand to me to raise me to my feet. I took it, not expecting to be pulled straight up into a regretful embrace, complemented with her arms fretfully grasping at my back and her soft whimpers queuing me in on the beginnings of her waterworks.

This was precisely why I didn’t want to give any private goodbyes. I couldn’t take this. Not now, right before abandoning all of my responsibilities.

“Please don’t go,” she choked, pulling me in tighter, “I’m sorry, Reyna. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay… with me. I love you.”

My mind played tug of war with itself, half of me wanting to hug her back and tell her I won’t leave, and the other half wanting to throw her off me and yell ‘fuck you’ loud enough for the corps to hear. Ever since that last fight after Haley dropped out, every time I saw her had been like that.

I elected to stay atop the fence, leaving my arms at my sides, “I want to leave. Pops and I already made all the arrangements, I already registered for classes at Yamada University, everything is set in stone now. I know you didn’t mean it, now, but it’s happening. I can’t just throw all of it away, I have a plane to catch.”

“But… you’re doing it to escape from me. I know you are. You’ve been avoiding me like the plague ever since our last fight, and I thought that’s what I wanted, I thought I’d feel better, but I’ve never felt worse. Bad times or good, I need you, Reyna Marten.”

I stayed silent, not knowing how to respond. After a moment of my silence, she slowed her breathing and released, stepping away from me and letting her misty, seafoam eyes lance every negative intent in my head. No matter how much I wanted to drop the act and profusely apologise, like she’d done for me, my stubborn pride held me back.

“Please say something,” she sniffed, clutching her left arm.

I sighed heavily, “It’s been quite the ride, hasn’t it?”

“Don’t go.”

“I have to.”

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“I do have to do _something_ ,” I began, knowing that I couldn’t leave her like this, “I have to tell you that I’m done. I’m leaving the country for a whole year. I don’t want to have to worry about ‘us’ the whole time. We’ve had good times and bad times, but I can’t do long-distance, and guessing by how upset you are at the idea of me leaving, you can’t either. We can talk more about trying again or whatever when I get back, but for now, I can’t do it, Liv.”

“It’s not just the idea of you leaving,” she gasped through the streams, “It’s the idea that you’re leaving because of me. The idea that you have to cross the fucking Pacific Ocean to get away from me. I know I’ve said some terrible shit to you over the past two years, but I’m not _that_ bad, am I?”

“You _are_ the one that suggested it, after all.”

“I already said I didn’t mean it, didn’t I? I was just upset with you for sleeping with Haley, even though I drove you to it.”

“Don’t say that.”

She began caressing her arm in an attempt to calm herself, “But it’s true. I did all of that shit to get back at you. Chastising you, guilting you, trying to make you jealous, and then I yelled at you for going back to habit. I should’ve realised that it was my fault. It’s always been my fault.”

“Liv,” I attempted to stop her, “I’m to blame, too—”

“We never should’ve met. Then we wouldn’t have had the chance to hurt each other as much as we have.”

“… You’re right. Maybe we shouldn’t have.”

Her eyes widened in shock, her tears falling harder now, “You weren’t supposed to agree with that, asshole!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” I growled in response, crossing my arms, “Maybe we were doomed from the start. Ever since we first met, I’ve lost control of myself and my life, and you were always there to tell me it was okay, even when it was very clearly not. I’m terrible for you, and you’re terrible for me. It’s toxic. We’re toxic. We can’t change the past, but we can change the future, and our futures should not include each other.”

“How can you say that, Reyna? Do you really hate me that much now?”

I sighed, allowing myself to concede, “I could never hate you.”

While waiting for her response, the sounds of the mellophone solo in _Exit Music_ bounced out from the stadium and caught me off-guard. The mellophone solo, while the soloist was standing right there, in front of me.

“Who’s playing your solo?” I inquired, steadily calming myself down.

“I’m giving it to Dakota,” she whimpered, sending her eyes down to the space between us.

“… Why?”

She swallowed, finally stopping her tears, “I’ve been talking to Darby about leaving tour.”

My arms shot down to my sides in astonishment as she continued despondently staring at the ground.

“Why, Liv?”

“I just finished telling you why. I’m miserable, Reyna. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do anything anymore. I don’t want to be here like this. I need to go home.”

I closed the distance, clutching her shoulders, “Don’t let me be the reason you lose a summer. You know you’ll regret it if you leave. Your section needs you to stay, Alex needs you to stay… I need you to stay.”

Her eyes drifted up to meet mine, her confusion at my last statement clear.

Before I got the chance to elaborate, the tour van pulled up next to us, letting us know that our time was up. Her hands shot up to grab mine, her eyes now screaming at me not to go. I released her shoulders, feeling her hands reluctantly detach. She remained standing there as she watched me shoulder my rucksack and carry my backpack, walk them both over to the trunk, throw them in, then proceed towards the passenger door next to Danica. Our eyes met one last time.

_She had a beige complexion paired with a smattering of freckles and a tangerine mane that stretched from her aged visor down to her shoulder-blades. Around her neck hung several metallic charms, the ones from both Sundance and Outriders Drum and Bugle Corps. I knew she was just another young adult lost in the world, like me, but her ornate thigh tattoo, array of piercings, and revealing rehearsal attire despite her thicker build struck me as particularly mature and appealing. I wasn’t sure whether I loved her or hated her, but after her seafoam eyes met mine, I knew._

“I’m sorry, Liv.”

She shook her head, then sent her gaze back towards the stadium, away from me, with her full-body tremors and quiet gasps letting me know that my apology wasn’t enough.

As I opened that door and climbed in, all I could feel was regret. Whether it was for the past three years or just the past few minutes, I didn’t know, but I knew that it would be a long drive, and an even longer flight.


	12. Hikari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Exit Music by Noordpool Orchestra  
> Hikari by Hikaru Utada
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains themes of trauma that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

————————————————————

_Sano Kairi Did This_

_————————————————————_

“So, Matsuoka-san, how did you and Mugi-chan end up dating?”

I perked up from my leisure in my beach chair at the sound of Ritsu’s words, nearly knocking over the parasol with my shoulder.

“Wait, you and Tsumugi are dating?” I cocked my head, “When did that start happening?”

Matsuoka fondly smiled to herself as she recalled the tale, “That’s a fun story. We met not too soon after your Tokyo show. All of us were there to watch our friend Haru compete in his college’s swimming competition, and afterwards we decided to go to the pool for old times sake. You were all there, and Tsumugi-chan… well, I dunno. She caught my eye and we started talking. We continued like that for a while, and I kept coming to your shows for a bit before we decided. It’s weird, before I saw her I thought I only liked guys, but she’s surprisingly muscular, so I couldn’t help but be attracted to her. Among other things, of course! I’m not that shallow.”

“It’s hard to pin down,” Shino interjected, “When you first realise you like girls, what is it about them that you like? Sometimes I think it’s better to just accept it and not try to dissect it.”

“Right there with you,” I contributed, lifting my drink in agreement.

Ritsu cocked her head, “What about you, Fujibayashi-san? When did you realise?”

Shino shook her head and chuckled, brushing her lavender ponytail back after disrupting it, “That’s not as funny as a story. I’ll pass.”

“I don’t remember seeing you at the pool with them in Tokyo, Fujibayashi,” Matsuoka inquired, sitting back into her chair, “Did you join up with them recently?”

“Yeah, it was right after that,” Shino elaborated, slapping her hand onto my thigh, “Ushio-chan was telling me about how worried she was about Kairin and told me to apply to be a roadie, on account of my electrical expertise. Since then, I’ve been travelling with them to keep an eye on this one.”

“Can you stop calling me that already?” I huffed defiantly, “As if I need you to keep an eye on me. I was fine, Ushio worries too much.”

“Actually, I’m glad she said something,” Ritsu remarked as she stood up and stretched in several directions, “You’ve calmed down since Fujibayashi-san joined us on the road, and you calming down means Mio-chan is calming down, which makes my life easier.”

“I meant to ask you about that,” Matsuoka came back in, “Tsumugi-chan was telling me about how the dynamic between you two was what first got her into HTT, and then what convinced her it could work between two girls. How’d you two decide to try it out?”

“I always kind of had a feeling I liked Mio, but it took until college for me to feel comfortable enough to ask her out. The freedoms of living away from home, I guess.”

“Amen to that,” I raised my glass once more and took a long swig, with Shino shooting me a disapproving glance.

“Well,” Ritsu sighed as she pulled her goggles over her head and into her hairline, “I’m gonna go join them. Matsuoka-san, wanna come with?”

Matsuoka acknowledged by standing up as well, “Why not? Let’s go.”

As they trotted down the beach to join their respective girlfriends and Matsuoka’s guy friends in the water, I draped my spare hand over Shino’s and sighed heavily. Had I really only calmed down because Shino was here now? Jeez, Ushio had my number after all. I’m glad I helped Mugi find herself though, however fucked up my method of doing so was, and Mio getting off my ass hasn’t been so bad, either. Almost made me think Mugi was right and we could enjoy our last weeks of the tour. Maybe I shouldn’t have denied her plea to help me how I did.

“What are you thinking about?” Shino pried as she rose up and scooted me to the edge of my chair and sat down next to me.

“How hard life is,” I dismissed. For some reason, telling Shino about my misadventures in being terrible hurt more than telling Ushio. Never could pin down why.

“You have that look of regret in your eye. Which one did you fuck?”

I scoffed, taking another long swig of my drink and feeling it immediately, “Nope.”

“Kairin, you know I’ll find out if you don’t tell me,” she began prodding my shoulder with her elbow.

“It was Tsumugi.”

Her mouth went agape as her eyes travelled down the shore to find Tsumugi, “Please tell me—“

“It was before her and Matsuoka. It was right before you came on.”

“Thank god. Wait, why her? And how? She doesn’t seem like your type at all.”

I set my drink down on the towel and propped myself up on my elbows, increasing the distance between myself and Shino, “I’d rather not say.”

She negated my attempt to escape from the conversation by sliding over and leaning onto my thighs, putting her face directly below mine, “Come on. I don’t even like being a roadie. I’m here to be your emotional support animal. Tell me why you had sex with the ditzy, blonde one.”

“I dunno, honestly,” I accidentally confided, then deciding to give up on keeping the truth away, “I was in panic mode, I think. I just…”

“The same with Hana-chan?”

“Don’t remind me of that,” I threw myself back into the chair and unconsciously covered my eyes with my forearms, desperately wanting to forget those trembling, sapphire eyes staring back up at me.

Shino scooted once more to rest her head on my stomach, “You can’t just keep repeating the same mistakes and expecting things to get better for you, Kairin.”

“But they are getting better. Didn’t you hear Ritsu?”

“In spite of you, not because of you. Come on, you’ve been in this weird state of self-destruction and refusing anyone’s help ever since Hana-chan. I’m honestly surprised you haven’t gotten to Ushio-chan yet.”

I indignantly shoved her head off of my stomach, “I would never. I could never.”

“I care about you, Kairin,” she rotated around to meet my gaze with her own, “But you’re a danger to yourself and others. Ushio-chan and I just want to help you become less hazardous. Do everyone a favor and let us.”

How many years was it gonna take for them to realise that I can’t change? I’ve tried, but every time I try, I let my guard down and I get shoved back into this cycle of doing shitty things and feeling like shit for it. When Mom kicked me out, when I left Aimachi, when I got cut from every audition except Outriders, and when I joined HTT. I couldn’t win, so what was the point in trying to be better when every time I did, I got my teeth kicked in for it? I wish I could just tell Ushio and Shino that, but I knew that they wouldn’t take that for an answer. So I stayed quiet.

“Silent treatment?” she huffed, raising to her feet and untying her ribbon, “Okay. I’m gonna go get in the water. Want to join?”

“I think I’m okay,” I sighed, moving my arms from my stomach to behind my head, “Go on, have fun. You deserve it.”

“You do, too. Everyone does.”

As she pranced through the sand towards the ocean, her words stuck with me. Everyone does? Surely that can’t be right.

————————————————————

The sun hung low in the sky before me, threatening to blind me as the clouds danced between obscuring it and allowing its advance. I held up my cigarette to the weary star and noticed the similarity in the shades of their respective flames. Orange, my favourite colour. I wondered to myself if I should dye my hair orange. The change from my current white-silver hair would help me further distance myself from my mother, but it still wouldn’t be enough.

As I stared off into the horizon, my trance was broken by the noise of the entryway door to the inside of the condo behind me, letting me know the rest of our group had returned from their grocery trip. I found myself hoping I’d be left alone to enjoy my much-needed balcony bliss, but I knew that was likely a fruitless hope. The crack in the sliding door gave way to the muted sounds of male and female chatter, meaning that Matsuoka’s crew were over as well. Great.

I couldn’t pin down why I was so averse to large groups at the moment, but I knew that the extra effort of talking to strangers on top of the difficulty of talking to my own damn band was not something that interested me. Hopefully Shino would find me first and I could convince her to come down to the beach with me for a few hours alone before we all go down for our last hurrah.

Just as that thought crossed my head, the sliding door behind me drew open to the sound of two males talking and laughing. Sounded like Hazuki Nagisa and Tachibana Makoto, if I was remembering their names right. Ain’t that dandy.

“Sano-san,” Hazuki implored from behind me, “Mind if Mako and I join you out here?”

I do mind.

“Go ahead,” I courteously replied, keeping my eyes ahead of me and idly dragging on my cancer stick as they leaned on the parapet to my right.

“You know, I never expected Gou-chan to be interested in a girl, even a more built one like Kotobuki-san.”

“Neither did I,” Tachibana turned his back to me to speak to Hazuki head-on, “With how she looked at us in high school, I never thought it was in the cards for her, but Kotobuki-san is the right mixture of sweet and muscular, which has always been her type. Maybe that’s just it.”

“Maybe,” Hazuki called around Tachibana to me, “Sano-san, what do you think? What is Kotobuki-san’s secret?”

I blew out a large cloud of smoke before I replied, “I couldn’t tell you. I don’t know what Matsuoka-san is like.”

“That’s fair, but you like girls too, right? Is there something about Kotobuki-san that’s particularly appealing to girls?”

“Nagisa, isn’t that a little personal?” Tachibana critiqued as he spun back around, “I’m sorry about him, he’s not a subtle person.”

“It’s whatever,” I sighed, feeling compelled to continue being polite despite my rising irritation, “I suppose Tsumugi has a protective, providing nature that might be attractive. She has all the hallmarks of being appealing to both genders on an emotional level.”

“That’s quite high praise.”

I huffed, “Yeah, well, she deserves it. She’s a good person.”

Right after my uncharacteristic words, my phone began wildly buzzing in my back pocket. I swiftly retrieved it and looked at the caller, seeing it was Uncle Youhei. Always there to save me, even hundreds of miles away.

“Speaking, speaking,” I answered customarily.

_“Kairin! How have you been?”_ his voice pierced through the speaker, causing me to recoil the phone away from my ear some distance and giggle, _“I feel like we haven’t talked in years! How’s my favourite not-niece?”_

“Again with the Kairin? I’m okay, I guess. The last few months have been tough, but I’ve been making it through all the same.”

_“I’m sorry to have missed you while you were in Hikarizaka, but Hanako tells me that you seemed in good spirits. Still being a little troublemaker?”_

I repressed the sadness that statement injected into me, “Always. If there’s anything you taught me, it’s how to cause trouble.”

_“It sounds a lot worse when you say it like that,”_ his nervous laughter echoed my own internal dialogue just a sentence before, _“Anyways, I wanted to call you about your mother.”_

My brow furrowed at his words. I suddenly began wildly speculating, the worst coming to mind first. I know he always felt personally at fault for how it turned out despite my protest otherwise, but he always respected my departure from home and never pressed the issue. What could he want now?

“Why?”

He hesitated before he began, _“Your father and her have been meeting up and talking recently, and based on what I’m hearing about it from him and everyone else, it sounds like they were planning on reaching out to you and asking you to come back home. I know Hiroshi never wanted to leave you behind, but he had no choice when Tomoyo won custody. I figured you’d have conflicting thoughts about the news, and as your legal guardian, I wanted you to know beforehand. I’m sorry if this is coming at a bad time, but you know me.”_

I was left speechless, my mind instantly going completely blank. What? After three whole years of me being alone, and eight years of them being separated? Are you fucking kidding me? What was I supposed to do with that information except be exceedingly skeptical? How could they just suddenly feel regret? Was Ushio up to this, or was the news of how badly HTT was doing after my addition getting out? What could possibly compel them to want me back now, especially Mom?

_“Kairin? You still there?”_

“Yeah,” I sighed, sighing out my exasperation in an attempt to not shoot the messenger, “Thank you for letting me know. I need to think about it.”

_“I completely understand. Call me sometime, I miss you kiddo.”_

“I will. Bye, Uncle.”

_“Bye.”_

As I removed the phone from my ear, I fought the urge to chuck it off the balcony and instead burned the remaining half of my cigarette in one pull, then dropped the butt and stomped. I subconsciously wanted to be happy about this development, but all I felt was hostility and frustration. If this was ever in the cards, why didn’t it happen _so_ much sooner, before my life went to hell in a handbasket several times over? How would I be able to look either of them in the eye after all that I’ve done, after abandoning both of their family names?

Maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve been doing relatively fine without them anyways.

As I slumped over the parapet, dangling both of my arms over the edge, the sliding door creaked open once more.

“Hazuki-san, Tachibana-san,” Tsumugi’s voice echoed from the threshold, “May I speak with Sano-san alone?”

“Of course,” Tachibana promptly responded, with the two of them obediently filing back into the condo and shutting the door, leaving Tsumugi to approach and rest her arms on the parapet next to me.

“Sano-san.”

“Kotobuki-san,” I repeated her inflection.

She leaned forward with me, assuming the mopiest of stances, “I wanted to speak with you about something important.”

“If it’s important, best leave me out of it.”

“I was hoping you would be able to provide some insight or advice.”

I continued deflecting, not feeling up to the task after the world-shattering news I’d just received, “Do I strike you as being capable of providing good insight or advice?”

“I have the notion that this is in your area of expertise. No offense.”

“Now I feel like I’m gonna be offended.”

She hesitated, “I want to come clean to Ricchan. Ever since Kou-chan and I have started dating, I’ve been feeling more and more guilty about it.”

“I’m definitely not the person you want to talk to, then,” I remarked, reaching for another cigarette under the assumption that this would take a while, “I’m not known for coming clean about anything, ever.”

“You are the only one I can come to about this. Please, Sano-san, I wouldn’t have come to you if you weren’t my only option.”

Fucking ouch. I won’t deny that I probably deserved that, though.

“If it’s that dire,” I paused to light up and puff, “Have you talked to Mio about it? If you both confessed at the same time, you’d probably have a better chance of Ritsu not immediately cutting you both off.”

“I've been trying, but Mio-chan refuses to say anything. She’s too worried about what Ricchan will do in response.”

“That’s a reasonable concern, but if you don’t both beg for forgiveness, you’re fucked. Best to pretend like nothing happened and go on with life.”

“I can’t,” she lamented, burying her face in her crossed arms, “And she can’t either. Haven’t you noticed how nice she’s been recently? The guilt is eating her alive, just like me. If we don’t tell Ricchan, neither of us will be able to live with ourselves.”

Oh, you will. It’ll be really fucking tough living with all that regret, but I’ve been doing it for years.

“All I can tell you is to wait for Mio to be on the same page as you. That’s your only chance for things to not blow up,” I advised, rotating around to scan her eyes for her reaction.

Her sapphire irises were practically glowing with contrition. In spite of my advisory, I knew she was going to say something tonight, which gave me even more apprehension about our beach gathering. I couldn’t pin down why, but in that moment, I genuinely wished that I had been better to her. If I hadn’t done what I did that night in Tokyo, it might not have come to this. While I had been okay with the band being against me, the idea of the band being against each other made me deeply dismal.

This was my fault, wasn’t it?

“I wish you the best of luck, Tsumugi,” I relayed with a pat on the shoulder, “I really do.”

“I hope that I don’t need it,” she fretted, pushing herself up and away from the edge and moving back towards the glass.

As she slipped back into the condo, the events of what was supposed to be my respite weighed down on me. My mother and father might be getting back together and trying to un-disown me, and my band may very well split up tonight. At several points previous, both of those would’ve filled me with joy, but right now, they just made me feel worse.

In an effort of desperation, I pulled my phone back out and swiped to my messages, looking to my conversation with Olivia. We hadn’t exchanged any messages in at least a month, but I required a distraction.

_Hey, Olivia. How have you been?_

I had no clue what time it was in the States, but I found myself staring at the phone, anxiously waiting for a reply. I needed to escape my own shitshow, at least for a little while.

————————————————————

“That’s great news,” Shino expressed as she shot up from her relaxed posture in the water, inadvertently sending a splash towards me, “Have you told Ushio-chan?”

“No, I didn’t really want to spread what could just be hearsay,” I elaborated, wincing at the small wave reaching up to my face, “Do you think she’d want to hear about it?”

“Of course. She’s been worrying about you constantly since you were kicked out. If she heard that your parents want you back, it would take so much weight off of her.”

For her sake, I should probably at least entertain the idea, but I still couldn’t shake the thought that it would be for the worst. The flashes of that night when Mom gave me an hour to pack my stuff and be out of the house screeched into my mind. How could I forgive her after that? Her own daughter.

To her credit, I might have deserved it.

“I’m still not sure about it, Shino. After all this time, would it even be worth it? I’ve gotten pretty comfortable living alone.”

“If they do reach out,” she contended, locking eyes with me to make sure I got the point, “You should at least hear them out. What you decide after that point is yours alone.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I leaned back into the water, keeping my upper torso dry by holding myself up with straight arms, “I’ll keep an ear to it.”

“Holy shit,” she gasped, “Did you actually listen to my advice for once? Are pigs flying? Has Hell frozen over?”

“Yeah alright, fuck off.”

We shared a laugh for a moment before we resumed sitting in silence and absorbing the cool evening tides and calm vibes of the beaches of Iwatobi. I think I could actually get used to how things have been doing recently. For once in the past month and a half, I was in a really good mood. No anxieties, just tranquility. About time.

_“What?!”_

Ritsu’s wrathful roar reverberated across the empty sands, yanking me back into reality. My gaze shot over to her standing stiffly, glaring down on a cowering Tsumugi, with Mio down the beach some distance with Matsuoka, who were both looking on in horror.

My hearing extended over to lock on to their conversation.

“When?! What the hell, Mugi?!” Ritsu’s fury seeped into her shouting as her fists struggled against the urge to become bludgeons.

Tsumugi dropped to her knees in sorrow, not even trying to battle her streaming tears, “It was a week after the Tokyo show. Ricchan, I’m so sorry! We were drinking, and we didn’t even know what happened until we woke up the next morning. I should’ve told you sooner.”

“Should’ve told me sooner?! What you should’ve done is not have sex with my girlfriend! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Oh my god,” Shino’s whisper echoed my own thoughts. I could feel her skeptical glare striking me, asking ‘did you know about this?’

As Ritsu’s own waterworks began, Mio began dashing towards the sobbing pair, her expression of terror clearly visible despite the lack of light. Once she arrived, she mimicked Tsumugi’s position and bowed on all fours, desperate for forgiveness. Ritsu collapsed down onto the beach chair behind her, angrily wiping the endless flow of tears away.

“Ritsu,” Mio pleaded, extending a hand to her inconsolable partner, who aggressively slapped it away, “Ritsu, I know my apology can’t express how sorry I am, but you know I love you, and I never wanted—“

“You don’t _get_ to say ‘I love you’ anymore! If that were true, you wouldn’t have cheated on me! Why would you do that? Did I do something wrong?” Ritsu miserably interrogated as she pulled herself up to stare the pair down.

“I was so afraid,” Mio whimpered her explanation out, “I was afraid that you liked Sano-san more than me, so I tried to drink the thoughts away, knowing they were irrational. I had too much, and the next thing I remember was waking up in Mugi’s bed. Mugi was right, we didn’t even know what happened until it was too late.”

“I can’t believe you two,” Ritsu berated as she rose to her feet, clutching her towel, and phone, “I can’t fucking listen to this. We’re done, Mio.”

With Ritsu storming off, Mio and Tsumugi both kneeled there, unable to stop crying and unable to even look at each other after that disaster of a confession. Matsuoka looked on in a mixture of confusion, disappointment, and sadness, unsure of whether to leave as well or go over to her girlfriend and comfort her. What resulted was a desolate scene of two girls wallowing in remorse, a third stomping away in resentful melancholy, and a fourth dumbfounded by the exchange.

I turned to Shino, whose eyes spoke to so much empathy, I would’ve thought that she committed the crime, too. I couldn’t help but feel the same as her. I knew it would be ugly when Tsumugi and Mio finally came clean, but even I wasn’t prepared for how upsetting it ended up for all parties. I decided to not be a bystander and shot up to my feet, taking off towards Ritsu.

Despite my uncomfortable concern, the only thought in my mind was how I could finally go home tomorrow, and after that, it would only be a few more weeks until Reyna was here. I was ready to put this chapter of my life behind me.

Shame that I couldn’t say the same for Mio and Tsumugi.

————————————————————

_Sano Kairi Didn’t Realise_

————————————————————

As I stepped up to the pearl entrance to apartment fifty-two, I noticed how shaky my hand was as it reached towards the door knocker. Why the fuck was I so nervous to go in Reyna’s apartment? She had been putty in my hands ever since Tuesday night, so how come I was trembling now? Had I really caught feelings for her in all of my teasing?

I ignored my desire to unpack all of that and clicked the knocker three times, then assumed a stand-by position as I attempted to steady my shakes. How fucking embarrassing would it be to let Reyna see me this squirrelly when I had her on the backfoot all week? As a series of muted footsteps made their way to the door, I backed up slightly just in case it opened outwards.

After the door opened inwards, I was met with the sight of a golden, fringed bob-cut with perplexed emerald eyes sitting just beneath. 

“Pardon the intrusion, I’m Sano Kairi, Reyna-chan invited me over to watch the livestream of our drum corps at twelve,” I politely bowed, my apprehension channeling into courtesy.

“That’s right,” she smiled as she glanced at my corps necklace, then stepped aside and motioned me inside, “Make yourself comfortable, I’ll go wake her up.”

“Wake her up?” I chuckled as I passed through the entrance and shedded my shoes, “How is she still asleep at ten ‘til noon?”

The roommate shrugged as she strolled down the hallway and to the left, “Late night, I suppose. It is Saturday, after all.”

I followed her directions and found a comfortable seat in the far corner of the couch, resting my arms along the top and slouching into the cushions. It was not a kind walk from my apartment to here, and getting Shino and Hanako moved in last night did not help my exhaustion, but this was the condition for getting Reyna that contra from Aimachi, so whether or not I was fucking beat, I had to be awake and alert for this.

_“Fuck!”_

Reyna’s expletive exclamation resounded through the apartment as the blonde roommate exited Reyna’s room and slipped back into her own. The clamour of Reyna struggling to get clothes on in a rush provided some great motivation to keep myself from drifting to sleep, with me moving to the edge of my seat to see what would likely end up being the comical sight of bed-head Reyna. More fuel for fire.

I was evenly disappointed and pleased when she drifted around the corner with her hair already ponytailed, but was only wearing the spandex shorts she had probably woken up in and a flowing crop top that made no effort to obscure her piercings or the hickeys I had left on her stomach.

“Good morning, Reyna-chan,” I beamed as she scurried to the remote, “Are we showing off my trophies today?”

She huffed as she frantically clicked button after button, doing her best to find the BloMarching livestream in time for the Outriders to take the field in Denver, “Eat me, Sano. It’s too early for your shit.”

“I have several responses to that—”

“Don’t care. Let me focus.”

I playfully pouted as I threw myself back into the cushions and crossed my arms, finding myself appreciating the view. She had no business being so hot and being such a terrible person, but I guess I’ve probably inspired very similar thoughts. After surveying her, I came back around to my incorrect conclusion earlier and decided that I was only interested in her on the basis of her looks and how much dirt I had on her, nothing more.

“We’re doing multi-cam,” she remarked as she selected the Drums Along The Rockies Denver livestream, then set the remote down and sighed victoriously.

“Have you been keeping up with them at all? Seen any previous performances or talked with your clique about how the season is going?” I questioned, letting our rivalry go by the wayside out of genuine interest in the goings-on of the corps.

“Not since I left last Saturday night. I was on volunteer staff from the beginning of the season up to my flight, so I only got to see rehearsal run-throughs and didn’t get much time to mingle with everyone, but they’re placing really fucking well this year so far. Three placements up from where we ended last season.”

“Wow, that’s impressive. Is the show difficult, or are they just really clean?”

“Both. Our talent jumped up after making Finals last year, so they picked harder music and wrote harder drill, and so far they’re achieving really, really well in all captions. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have to add in more content after San Antonio to keep the points coming.”

“Harder drill than last year?” I questioned in disbelief, recalling the double-time sets in the Toss A Coin ballad last year, “Now I’m interested.”

“They could be louder, though,” she commented as the livestream loaded just in time for us to see the previous corps exit the field and the Outriders begin setting up, “Chalk that up to the altitude.”

I held back my response to appreciate the show design, taking in the uniforms and props. The corps proper was clad in a dark grey outfit with a silver, hatched section down the right side, and light blue highlights down the left. The guard was dressed in orange bodysuits with the same silver pattern and the addition of black trim and accents. The contrasting colour schemes brought attention to the monochrome props, which appeared to be fractions of a mock starship, immediately clueing me into the theme.

_“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the field: from Flower Mound, Texas, the Outriders!”_

The roar from the crowd in response to the announcement gave me the same warm feeling I had gotten before every performance, getting me perfectly into the zone for their show. The title card for the corps flashed across the screen, showing an action shot of Reyna in last year’s uniform behind a banner that read ‘OUTRIDERS’ in big, bold letters.

“Hey, that’s you,” I jested, glancing to her to check for her reaction,

“Hey, that’s me,” she brushed me off, keeping her eyes trained on the screen.

As the title card faded away, the corps finished setting up, revealing their first set and all of the members all stood at stand-by, waiting for the command.

_“Drum majors, Megan Breckenridge, Jesse Hawkes, and Demarcus Waters: is your corps ready?”_

The camera promptly cut to Megan, the new head drum major on her front podium, as she spun around towards the audience, saluted, removed her shako, waved, and turned back around.

_“Performing their 2019 program, Frontier, Drum Corps International is proud to present: the Outriders!”_

The next few minutes were a blur as Megan conducted into the same _High Charity Quartet_ motif as the several seasons before. It flowed seamlessly into _Snowy Mountains_ , complemented by slow movements, a steady crescendo throughout the piece into the opening hit, and a climatic opening to the show with the starship forming and being pushed across from the left corner to the center. That gave way to an excerpt from _Requiem,_ creating a beautiful soundscape that overtook the entire stadium. The atmosphere was subverted with _APETITAN_ as mock fire erupted from the ship and the drill frantically darted around it.

The chaos lulled into the intro to _Exit Music_ , a beautiful ballad featuring Olivia as the mellophone soloist. I glanced over to Reyna to gauge her reaction at seeing her former lover on screen, and was taken aback by the welling of tears in her eyes.

Not what I expected.

————————————————————

_Hikari_

————————————————————

She kept the solo. 

Every thought in my mind that wasn’t her escaped my head at once, leaving only immense pride in her for continuing on, which naturally gave way to even more substantial guilt for my hand in almost making that not happen.

_“I’m Olivia, but everyone calls me Liv. Do you wanna get out of here?”_

_“I know we just met, but I already care about you. I want to be here for you if I can be.”_

How could I have been so fucking stupid?

_“… I love you too, Reyna.”_

_“I loved you, but I don’t even know who you are anymore. This isn’t the Reyna I fell in love with.”_

Why did I put her through so much pain?

_“Then let me help you. I told you I wanted to be here for you, didn’t I?”_

_“Just gonna leave without saying goodbye?”_

In the end, what was it all for?

_“Please don’t go. I’m sorry, Reyna. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay… with me. I love you.”_

_“I’m miserable, Reyna. I can’t do this anymore.”_

I felt my eyes flood as the camera seemed locked on that close-up of her, pouring her heart into her instrument, playing the melody of my favourite song in spite of all the terrible, awful, unforgivable shit I’d done to her. Her sound was so full, so beautiful. 

_She had a beige complexion paired with a smattering of freckles and a tangerine ponytail that stretched from the top of her head to her shoulder-blades. Around her neck hung several metallic charms, the ones from both Sundance and Outriders Drum and Bugle Corps. I knew she was just another young adult lost in the world, like me, but her commanding posture, array of piercings, and well-fitted uniform despite her thicker build struck me as particularly mature and appealing. I wasn’t sure whether I missed her or hated her, but after staring into her seafoam eyes, I knew._

She had to have known I was watching. A single tear fell down her face, with her gleaming eyes displaying that she was struggling to keep it together and stay in the zone. It was growing harder and harder to fight my own tears.

_“Reyna, it’s okay. You can cry if you want to.”_

I heeded the memory’s suggestion, with the waterworks spilling over and my whimpers escaping, with no regard for Sano sitting across the couch from me.

“Reyna-chan, are you okay?” the uncharacteristic concern in Sano’s voice did little to pull me out of my repentant stupor. 

My throat tightened, my chest ached, and my cheeks became soaked, and it only got worse as she left the screen. No matter how hard I fought, my mind lingered on how god-fucking-awful I had been to the best thing in my life, and my chance to retrieve it had vanished the moment I stepped into that van.

My hopeless sobbing continued right on through the _Cathedral of Reason_ transition to the end of the closer, _Hikari_. I could barely appreciate all of my friend’s efforts coming to fruition through my drowning eyelashes.

_“Ladies and gentlemen, under the direction of Kelley Kimberly, the Outriders!”_

I fucked up. I should’ve stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Pharo / The Major here,
> 
> Thank you for taking this journey with me, Reyna, Sano, HTT, the Hibikes, the Tamakos, and all of the rest. It’s truly been a blast.
> 
> Now, at the end of ‘Arc One’, I’ll be taking a two-week break from uploading to catch up on my backlog. Becoming full-time at my job recently has made finding the spare time to write really tough, and having a few chapters of backlog eases the stress a lot.
> 
> Come back on the 23rd / 24th to see what happens next between Reyna’s difficulties with Sano and Mugi, the new arrivals of Fujibayashi Shino and Sunohara Hanako, the reunion of HTT, and more!
> 
> Thank you for reading, this project and your enjoyment of it has made this year significantly less shitty!


	13. Psycho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Psychopomp by Thank You Scientist  
> Kiss of Death by Mika Nakashima  
> Psycho by Red Velvet
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

In two three, out two three.

In two three, out two three.

No thinking, Reyna. Thinking makes you upset. Only breathing. Only running.

The shockwave of each rushed step shook my entire body, practically creating a zone of sweat droplets constantly being expelled around me by each impact. Jesus fuck, running in the afternoon sucked. It was way too hot. Not to mention I had just gone on a run the day before. Why was I running two days in a row?

That’s right. Punishment. No more thinking.

In two three, out two three.

In two three, out two three.

The familiar sounds of _Psychopomp_ flooded into my mind through my earbuds at the song switch, giving me the fuel I needed to push even harder. This wasn’t a fun run. This wasn’t conditioning. This was punishment, so I had to make it hurt.

…… 

_It's all an illusion,_

_Covering the world unseen,_

_Where the shadows hide._

_Fix your frequency, tune the universe,_

_Yes, it's coming clear._

_Good things come to those who wait._

_With this solitude behold,_

_Start to find yourself._

The sights of our side of the river flew by faster than I could see them. I wasn’t sure how fast I was going in comparison to my usual pace, but the ache in my thighs screamed at me to slow down. I wouldn’t.

In two, out two.

In two, out two.

After passing the bridge for the third time, I brushed my drenched bangs away and checked my smart watch, seeing I had only covered three miles total. Only three? Fucking hell. I elected to go for one more loop, both wanting to go for three more miles at this pace and knowing that the consequences of sprinting until I blacked out would stretch beyond just me. It just fucking sucked. I fucking sucked. I couldn’t even appreciate the corps while I was away from it. Watching it made me hurt to know that I wasn’t there, for myself or for the people I cared about.

Did I really have to escape across the Pacific Ocean? Why couldn’t it have just been the East Coast or something that I could easily return from? 

As I rounded the apartment complex once more, I thought back to how pleasant yesterday was, and how optimistic I had been. Where had it all gone? Was it all really just gone after one look at Olivia playing the solo she wanted to give away because of me? Was I ever really optimistic or was I just pushing my doubts down until they had a chance to be dredged up again?

Introspection is exhausting. Or was the fact that I was running at a nearly seven minute mile’s pace? Probably the latter.

With _Psychopomp_ picking back up, I pushed my pace just an extra one percent more to fly around the other end of the apartments and set my sights on the bridge, deciding that my run will be over after I crossed and I should probably go grab my groceries now, after burning almost twenty-five minutes on this retribution relay.

The knowledge of the run coming to a close subconsciously motivated the slowing of my breakneck speed down to a pitiful jog, disregarding the streets and making a straight path towards the bridge. After getting within a respectable distance of it, I cut my tunes and walked it out to the river, pushing the left strap of my backpack off and grabbing the right. If I wasn’t on tour this summer, I could at least therapize myself by mimicking similar feelings, like being too tired to wear my backpack correctly.

Reaching the mouth of the bridge, I threw my backpack down and fished out my _Ok Computer_ shirt, fitting it around my neck while I slapped my towel against my back and stomach. Once I felt reasonably dry, I shoved my arms through the sleeves and tucked the shirt in the front of my waistband with my phone, assuming a familiar French tuck look that I honestly relied on too heavily when wearing these shorts. Oh well, if it ain’t broke.

I then tossed the strap back over my right shoulder and trudged along, scanning the street across the bridge for that convenience store that Kanna had recommended. She had sold it to me on the basis that they stocked a variety of foreign drinks, planting the idea in my head that I might find my loverly peace teas there. If there was anything that could help me out of this slump, it was those boys. I thought to myself about how an over-reliance on possibly harmful to directly harmful vices was how I tried to lift myself over several walls in the past, and how well those worked for me.

‘Some did, some didn’t,’ she said as she took a long drag on her ‘medicinal’ vaporiser and dreamed of sugary cans of not-tea.

Finally, I laid eyes on the convenience store to my left, then took a heel-turn to correct my trajectory towards its automatic doors. The vibe reminded me of the gas station just down the road from the house in Rasgado, making me slightly homesick. I kept my silent earbuds in, attempting to deter anyone from asking me if I needed any help or any similar queries. Despite my efforts to get in and get out, a college-aged girl with a long, lavender ponytail tied with a white ribbon standing in the corner caught my eye as her eyes wandered around the store just to settle on me every few seconds.

I got the notion that she would end up approaching me about one of my many unique traits at any moment, while not being able to decide if I wanted that or not. Yeah, I was in a bad mood and would rather not be bothered, but she was admittedly pretty adorable. Maybe I could make an exception.

As I predicted, she started moving towards me, and as an acknowledgement of her advance, I popped out my earbuds and pocketed them, while still keeping my eyes on the fridge of drinks ahead. 

“Excuse me,” she appealed, putting her hand to her chin contemplatively, “The logos on your left arm tattoos look familiar. Where are they from, if I may?”

I glanced down at said tattoos, realising she was talking about the deltas, “Oh, that’s from the Outriders Drum and Bugle Corps. Probably mistaking it for something else.”

A curious twinkle shot across her eyes, “No, that actually sounds… familiar. Were you a member?”

“Yeah, for the past three years, actually.”

“That would explain the three separate tattoos. One for each year?”

“That’s right,” I smiled, keeping my eyes on her as I picked out four of my beloved tea cans, “How do you know us?”

She hesitated before she replied, earning a head tilt from me, “My friend is a fan of drum corps. I think I’ve actually seen one of your performances on a stream before.”

“Do you remember which one?”

“It was… oh! It was the one with the KOKIA song at the end.”

“Ah, 2017, that was, uh… that was a year.”

Our conversation lulled for a moment before I decided to put down an investment.

“I’m Reyna Marten, by the way. Nice to meet you,” I bowed, wanting to see if I could befriend the only other person I’d seen in Kyoto besides myself and Sano that knew what drum corps was.

“Nice to meet you as well. I’m Fujibayashi Shino,” her warm smile caught me off-guard.

I shifted the cans in my arms to set them in a position conducive to keeping this conversation going, “Are you from around here, Fujibayashi-san?”

“No, I just moved here from the Tokyo area. One of my friends needed some roommates. I’m guessing you’re a transfer student to the college here?”

“That’s right. What gave it away?”

“A few things,” she hummed, walking past me, “Well, Marten-san, it was nice meeting you, but my friend is waiting for me outside. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

I felt the urge to reach out for her, but countered it by doing so verbally, “Wait…”

She glanced over her shoulder with curiosity, “Yes?”

Now I’ve put myself on the spot. Oh well, honesty is the best policy.

“I’m sorry, it’s just I’ve only met one other person that knew what drum corps even was since I got to Japan. If you don’t mind, I was wondering if you’d want to hang out if you’re not busy, or trade emails if you are. That must sound crazy but that’s—”

“Okay,” she interjected with a grin, “Let’s pay for our groceries first though, yeah?”

I sighed triumphantly, “Yeah.”

And just like that, we marched together to the two registers at the head of the store and pushed our respective groceries to our clerks. We kept each other in the corner of our eyes, making me wonder if there was more going on than just a common understanding of what my deltas meant, and if that was okay. Part of me thought that maybe that was just what I needed, and the other made that same weird fucking connection between Olivia and Mugi, wanting me to be loyal to an agreement that didn’t exist.

I’ll let Fujibayashi decide. ‘Go with the flow’ Reyna can make a momentary return for all I fuckin’ care. Maybe it was a pointless endeavour trying to change now.

Before I knew it, we were outside with our bags, giving way to an aggressive sun momentarily blinding me. Once I regained my vision, I laid my eyes on Fujibayashi talking to another girl our age with a puffy, navy bob cut and round glasses just like Mia’s.

“Marten-san,” Fujibayashi spun around and motioned to her comrade, “This is Sunohara Hanako.”

“Nice to meet you,” I politely bowed once more, “I’m Reyna Marten. Both of you can call me Reyna, though. Marten-san sounds wrong.”

“Nice to meet you as well,” Sunohara returned the greeting, then promptly turned to Fujibayashi, “We headed back to Kai-rin’s now?”

“Actually, I thought the three of us could take a walk. Having friends here besides Kai-rin wouldn’t be that bad of an idea, right?” Fujibayashi danced out onto the sidewalk and down the opposite way from my apartment.

Sunohara cocked her head in deliberation, then nodded enthusiastically, “Sure, why not.”

I was struck with that familiar feeling that I got with my agreement with Mugi and entering Sano’s apartment. Once more, I found myself at a crossroads, and that notion almost convinced me that this would be a bad idea. Maybe I was just being superstitious. After all, what’s the worst that could happen with making two new friends?

“Reyna-san,” Fujibayashi beckoned, “You in?”

I shot her a grateful smile, “Sure. Where are we going?”

————————————————————

“Shino-chan, where exactly are we going? We’ve been walking forever,” Sunohara groaned, wiping the sweat from the nape of her neck.

“My map says there’s a park somewhere between Kai-rin’s place and the college. I thought that it was worth checking out,” Fujibayashi remarked as she scrolled and tapped away on her device.

“Do you know if this is a waste of time, Reyna-san?” 

I pulled my eyes up from my phone and looked to Sunohara, “If I’m honest, this is only my first week in Japan. Haven’t really gotten the chance to explore much.”

“No? Well then I hope it’s worth it.”

I was beginning to feel her frustration. It was way too fucking hot to be hiking across town like this, but I stuck around anyways. Probably should’ve suggested we go to Endless Eight while we were still on that side of town, but oh well. I did like hanging out at the park in Kapareno, so maybe this would become one of my hangout spots.

Fujibayashi called our attention with a point forward, “It’s just past the trees.”

“So, Reyna-san,” Sunohara began, letting Fujibayashi head up our pack of three and matching my pace, “You’re from America, right? What made you want to study at Yamada University of all places?”

It felt like it had been forever since I had to answer that question, and since then, my response had changed somewhat. 

“I wanted to get away from the monotony of home, and having a Japanese immigrant mother that I never knew made Japan seem like the most reasonable answer for a place to escape to,” I elaborated, “What about you? You’re both from around Tokyo, right? Why come down here?”

She thought about it for a moment, almost looking unsure of herself, “Well, our friend, Kai-rin, moved down here a year or so ago for a job opportunity, but didn’t take anyone with her to be her roommates. She was having a rough time before, but in the months she’s been away from home, she’s been declining, so since we didn’t have much left for us back in Hikarizaki except family, we offered to join her. After getting our groceries we were actually gonna go job-hunting or see about applying for the next semester at Yamada.”

“I highly recommend it. The classes are equally challenging and easy, and perhaps I could introduce you two to my friend group there.”

“That would be great. I’m curious, though. How did you gather up a friend group in just a week of being in Japan?”

I awkwardly chuckled as we crossed the street right before our destination, “That’s a long story.”

“If only I’d asked sooner,” she giggled in return, “Maybe we could’ve gotten all the way through it, and the story would’ve made the trek that much less miserable.”

Fujibayashi huffed at her friend’s complaints, “Look, I didn’t hear you give any better ideas, Hana-chan. There’s some shade by the restrooms building, we can relax there for a minute, then find a good place to chill.”

“Sounds good to me, my knees are killing me,” I chimed in, wondering if they’d pop again when we finally sat down.

As we walked past the entrance, I was dumbstruck by the beauty of the park. There was a surprising lack of people around, making the nature that much more captivating. Saroyan Park back home didn’t have shit on this. There was even fucking cherry blossom trees. Why hadn’t I come here sooner?

Once we arrived underneath the veranda of the building, we heavily plopped in unison and cracked open our grocery bags, desperate for a refreshment. I subconsciously got upset with myself for opening one of my peace teas so soon, but I consciously didn’t give a fuck. It was hot and I needed a drink.

As we melted, Fujibayashi bent forward to see me around Sunohara, “So, Reyna-san, tell us about something.”

I chuckled at the vague request, “Like what?”

“What about your friend group at Yamada?” Sunohara contributed, taking a swig from her water bottle.

“Well, alright. It sounds crazy, but a few of them were actually in a pop band a while ago. They toured in America with an indoor percussion group I was with at the time, and I befriended a few of them and another guest performer. When I got here, I’d found out that they’d broken up, and Mugi-chan, one of the members, approached me pretty quickly and asked me to help reorganise the group. Since then, the other guest performer, her friend, and a girl I marched Outriders with have agreed to join a jazz club that we’re planning on forming once their band is back together.”

“That does sound pretty crazy, honestly. Must be rough dealing with all of that drama in an unfamiliar environment.”

“Just a bit,” I jested to myself.

I couldn’t help but notice Fujibayashi’s furrowed brow and contemplative stare after my explanation, almost as if she had made a revelation of some sort. I wondered if I should ask about it, but decided it would be too early in our friendship to be making demands like that. Instead, I just occasionally glanced at her, watching for any more tells, as we continued.

“So, who’s your friend that’s a fan of drum corps?” I pried blatantly, “I’d be interested in meeting them too.”

Sunohara’s mouth shifted to one side before she resumed, “That’s our friend, Kai-rin, the one that we just moved in with. She actually mar—“

“—Marched in a drum corps over here and fell in love with the American circuit after watching some videos on ViewTube about it,” Fuji suddenly interjected, with Suno snapping around to look at her friend in confusion. They shared a non-verbal conversation before Suno turned back around, looking sheepish.

Now I’m really suspicious.

“Oh shit,” Fuji exclaimed after looking at her phone, “Hana-chan, Kai-rin just messaged me. Ushio-chan came down to visit, we should go see her.”

“Oh really? How pure of her,” Suno commented as Fuji helped her up, “Let’s get over there, then.”

“I’m sorry, Reyna-san. Let’s hang out another time. I’ll message you.”

I gave them a courteous smile as they sauntered back out of the park, leaving me alone with my speculations.

What could have Fujibayashi gathered from my explanation of my friendship with Houkago Tea Time? I decided that next time I saw Sano, I needed to ask her if she knew of a Fujibayashi while she was with the band. The only explanation that made sense was that she was connected to HTT somehow and recognised I was talking about them when I mentioned Mugi. Couldn’t pin down why she cut off Sunohara when she was talking about their friend Kai, though.

Well, I was now seemingly alone in a Japanese park with nothing but my thoughts, my backpack, and a few cans of tea. Maybe it’s time for a nature walk and some contemplation. I stuffed my remaining three cans into my backpack and equipped it once more, clutching the open can and taking sips as I rose to my feet and began wandering aimlessly around.

Even though this was now the best possible time to sort myself out, my mind felt blank. I wanted to deliberate on the forming question of what was the best answer for what to do about Mugi. No matter how much I felt like denying it, I definitely had a thing for her at this point, and it seemed like her having a thing for me could be in the cards. With that in mind, there’s the problem of Sano, and what her intervention with me recently and Mugi in the past would mean for that. Not to mention the introduction of Fujibayashi Shino, who I was almost certain at least thought I was cute based on how she was eyeing me in the store.

All of that, and my remaining hang up on Liv. Yeah, we officially ended things before I left, but I knew that if I didn’t get her grace before pursuing any of those options, it would most likely end up biting me in the ass, and I didn’t really feel like being bitten in the ass any more times than necessary. It was all such a jumbled mess that it was a miracle I could wade through it with even the mediocre amount of grace I had been. Was this just hard for me, or would it be hard for anyone?

As I crested a bridge into a more plains-like zone of the park, I spotted a familiar pink frizz and pair of noir twintails sat on a picnic blanket beneath a lone tree on the hill ahead. This was the first time I had seen Yui without Ui around since that bus ride, and I was honestly kind of intrigued to see if she’d be any different. However, I had no notion of the relationship between her and Nakano, and elected to stay back and not disturb them just in case.

Spinning back around to the bridge, another familiar sight strolled towards me in the form of Mugi, unaware of my presence and being buried in her phone. I weighed whether to greet her or hide, knowing my previous decision that I did in fact like her could affect how I interacted with her from then on. Unable to decide, I simply stood there staring at her with the eyes of a dead fish, weighing my options until it was too late to react and she smacked into me.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry—“ she looked up at me and smiled with a blush, “Reyna-rin? What are you doing here?”

I let out a single awkward chuckle, “I made some new friends and we walked here, but they left just a bit ago so I’ve been wandering around. Small world to find you here.”

“I’m glad you did. Oh, Yui-chan, Azusa-chan, and I are having a picnic. Maybe I could see if you could join us?”

“I shouldn’t impose…”

My words of protest trailed off as she utilised her puppy dog eyes against me once more, almost completely convincing me against my previous objection. I couldn’t deny her when she peered up at me like that. Entirely too much moe for a Saturday afternoon.

“If you’re gonna be like that,” I teased, booping her nose and instantly wondering if that was too much, “I guess we can see.”

Her cheeks adopted a rosy tint as she shuffled past me and extended her hand. I gently took it, not allowing myself to fully grasp it in fear of what would happen if I allowed myself that much happiness. Despite how pleasant she was being, I couldn’t help but feel the unfounded guilt creeping back into my mind. I still had to sort myself out, despite wanting to dive headfirst into whatever she wanted.

As we ascended the hill and approached the duo, their conversation became more and more audible.

“I know you want to come, Azu-chan, but it could get really messy. I really don’t want you to see us like that if it does.”

“Yui-chan, I’m not your kouhai anymore, you don’t have to protect me. I already know all of the details of why the band broke up, it’s not like I’ll hear anything I don’t already know.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about. According to Mugi-chan, the last time they saw each other was really hard on everyone. I just don’t want you to get caught in the middle. Please think hard about whether or not you actually want to be there.”

“Mugi-chan is all for it, so why aren’t you?”

“Because I care about you in a different way than Mugi-chan does.”

A sudden crunch underneath my foot startled the two into noticing our advance, with flailing and wild blushing ensuing from Nakano and a light red hue forming under Yui’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, are we interrupting something?” I teased, recognising the looks of vulnerable shame all too well.

“No! Not at all,” Nakano deflected, scratching the back of her head, “What are you doing here, Reyna-san?”

“I bumped into her on my way back from the restroom. Maybe she could join us since we’ve been talking about the reunion?” Mugi requested as she ventured around Yui to take her seat at the blanket.

“I hope reunion isn’t too optimistic wording,” Yui remarked, letting her recently discovered pessimist out again. I guess she’s not gonna be much different after all.

Nakano grunted at Yui’s words, then extended a piece of cake towards Yui’s face and shook it lightly, “You’re more pleasant after you’ve had sweets.”

Yui playfully huffed at the pint-sized girl and reluctantly took a bite. Her aura abruptly morphed from cynical to genki within three chews, and the shine in her walnut eyes returned for the first time since I’ve seen her in Japan.

These weren’t edibles, were they? Maybe Yui just really liked sweets.

“Thank you, Azu-nyan,” Yui purred, smiling through her chewing.

“I thought you weren’t gonna call me that anymore! And don’t talk with your mouth full!” Nakano sassed as she put the cake down and averted her eyes, her face heating up again.

Yui giggled at her frustration, then turned her attention to me, “Go ahead and sit down, Reyna-chan. There’s still a sandwich left if you’re hungry.”

The mere mention of food made my stomach grumble, accepting the offer on my behalf. Mugi and Yui giggled at the sound, causing me to pout as I sat down and reached for their basket.

“Oh, Reyna-rin,” Mugi began as she picked away at a fancy cookie, “A friend of mine invited me to a gathering in the city tonight, and I was curious to know if you would like to be my plus one.”

I waited to finish my bite of the sandwich before I replied, “Tell me more about the gathering.”

“It’s at a club downtown, and I’m kind of nervous to go alone. I’d feel significantly better if I had you with me.”

“What, because I’m intimidating?”

“I mean, that certainly helps. What was it that Makino-san said on Wednesday?”

I laughed, recalling the conversation at the udon restaurant, “Yeah, okay. We’ll take the bike though, so if you’re wearing a dress, have some extra protection underneath.”

“Got it,” she shot me a thumbs up and a thankful smile.

The four of us continued idly conversing for some time as we snacked, once more pushing down my earlier nihilistic mood and instilling hope back into my mind. Maybe I was wrong, maybe _this_ is just what I needed.

Mugi remained as my candle in the dark. I should do everything in my power to ensure that the candle stays alight.

————————————————————

Park, kickstand, key.

Mugi’s death grip around me cautiously released and she stepped off the bike and away from me, pulling off her jacket and helmet and brushing her mass of pale blonde hair down and out. I followed suit, switching my leather jacket for the Hawaiian shirt that I had grabbed before we left and replacing my helmet with my signature white hat. I wiped my bare stomach down, thinking if the halter crop top would end up being overkill or if the inclusion of the overshirt made it okay.

Oh, the difficulties of the cultural gap.

As I spun around to witness my riding partner, we both stood in silence, appreciating the outfits we’d cultivated. Her striped shirt and bandana reminded me of a kawaii pirate, with her sable, short-legged overalls doing her frame too many favours to keep my eyes on her for any longer than I absolutely had to. I could tell that she felt the same way as me, as we went from appreciating each other to shyly looking to the sidewalk, undoubtedly seeming like a pair of tomatoes with how much we were blushing.

“Before we head in,” she confided, “I have a confession to make.”

I journeyed closer to her, leaning on the wall next to our parking space and grasping my vape, “Alright. What’s up?”

She elected to join me on the wall, with her chin to her chest, “The friend that invited me is my ex-girlfriend. We split up shortly after Iwatobi, and we haven’t spoken or messaged much since. In spite of that, she and her friends are in Kyoto this weekend, and knowing that I live nearby, she decided to invite me to catch up. I just wanted you to be aware in case it gets awkward.”

“I appreciate your honesty, Mugi-tan.”

“There will also be alcohol. Please watch over me if I have too much,” she peered around to me, making no effort to angle her head upwards and unconsciously making that same innocent face as earlier at the park.

“Right back at you. We’ll probably end up having to take the train home if I know myself,” I winked, knowing cheap alcohol would be irresistible.

“Alright,” she clapped her hands together and furrowed her brow, “Let’s do this, Reyna-rin!”

“Kanpai!”

We linked arms and marched around the corner of the building with determination, arriving at the bouncer, who was the very same soulless, lilac bob cut from the concert on Tuesday, except with the addition of a pair of glasses. What, is she great at fighting or something? That must be the case, because at her height and build, the only intimidating thing about her was her consistently dead eyes.

“Invitations, please,” she droned in her familiar monotone voice. Her darting glance gave me the impression that she recognised me, but who could be sure?

At the prompt, Mugi removed her phone from her overalls’ chest pocket and clicked it open, flipping it around once she arrived at the page with her invite displayed.

“This is my plus one,” she remarked, allowing time for the girl to analyse the screen before she locked her phone and returned it to its home.

“Please make your way inside the club and enjoy the festivities,” her utter lack of enthusiasm influenced me to yawn.

We heeded her directions and slinked in, passing through a tight corridor separating us from the atrium with a set of glass doors. As we pushed through into the club proper, I instantly recognised the song that was blaring throughout and became deeply concerned.

_Won't you come my way?_

_My self-restraint is crumbling._

_It's just me,_

_So don't you be afraid._

Last time I was in a setting where a song that put me in this particular mood was on was at Mio’s photoshoot, and that was a nightmare in spite of its success. So, I found myself resenting _Kiss of Death_ , sultry tones and all. Mugi picked up on my sudden shift in mood and led me over to the left, separating us from the masses of people vibing and drinking.

“Let me figure out where Kou-chan is,” she elaborated, pulling her phone out once more and remaining latched on to my arm.

My gaze travelled around the atrium, scanning for the bar, “Shall we get some drinks while we wait for her response?”

“Actually, I’ll message her that we’re at the bar. That should be an easy enough place to gather.”

I nodded in acknowledgement, taking the lead and weaving around other patrons on our way to the crowded, makeshift bar they’d set up on the far side of the room from us. As we neared, I caught someone leaving their seats at the counter, and set my mind on that vacancy. Barely thinking about my actions, I wrapped my arms around Mugi and picked up the pace, rushing us over at the pace my heart had adopted in response to our proximity. After basically jogging over, we snatched the seats and shared an awkward giggle as we untangled ourselves from each other.

The first bartender to reach us was a stocky, plump guy with a ridiculous green afro and eyes smaller than quarters. His ‘Hollywood’ shirt beneath the unbuttoned vest of his uniform caught me by surprise, and I felt a strange kinship with him.

“Hello, ladies,” he attempted to smooth-talk as he threw around a cocktail shaker, “What can I do for you two? The theme of the bar tonight is American mixed drinks, so nothing local.”

Thank god, I had no clue what Japanese alcohols were good or not.

“Is there Long Island iced tea?” I inquired.

“There is indeed. Is top shelf okay?”

“Yes please.”

We both turned to Mugi, who was racking her brain for the perfect drink. I couldn’t help but be morbidly curious about her choice of poison. Make or break time, Moogs.

“Can you do Giggle Juice?” she innocently requested.

“Hmm, I don’t have pink lemonade but I have plenty of regular lemonade,” he rubbed his jaw as mine hit the floor, “Is that good with you?”

“No problem at all.”

“Got it. Coming right up.”

As he shuffled away towards the ingredients, I raised my hand to Mugi, awaiting a high five. She eagerly reciprocated, with our hands loudly making contact and echoing through the atrium.

“You just won so many points with me, Mugi-tan,” I complimented, leaning onto the counter and facing her, “Where did you even learn about Giggle Juice?”

She mimicked my position as she recounted the tale, “Houkago Tea Time did a performance last year where an American DJ was performing with a Korean pop group right before us. All of the performing groups went to an after-party, and while there, he asked for Giggle Juice. Curious about it’s funny name, I tried it as well. I admittedly don’t remember much after that, but I recall liking the drink.”

“You’re one of a kind, Mugi-tan.”

She locked eyes with me and smiled so warmly, I thought all the ice in the bar would melt. Before she got a chance to reply, a voice called out from the staircase behind her

_“Mugi-chan!”_

We turned our unified attention to the skinny redhead that approached, hand in the air and clearly buzzed at the very least. As she haphazardly descended, two guys reached for her to help her down, with the taller, tawny-haired one on her left and the shorter, merigold frizz on her right. They were both surprisingly muscular, making me wonder if they were athletes, and if so, what kind?

I always had such a weird doublethink when it came to athletes. I was one, but most wouldn’t agree when I said so.

“Kou-chan, Tachibana-san, Hazuki-san,” she called back their names, “It’s been so long, how have you three been?”

As the trio made their way across the crowd to us, our drinks appeared beside us, and I took a long sip as I analysed the girl and pondered what possible similarities there were between the two of us. Scanning her up and down several times, the only conclusion I could draw was that Mugi had a thing for ponytails.

“Kotobuki-san, you’re looking as adorable as ever,” the blonde boy announced once they arrived, “How have you been since we last hung out? The band’s breakup must have been tough.”

“Nagisa, come on,” the brunette reprimanded as they released the wobbly redhead, who was doing her best to stand on her own.

“It’s okay, Tachibana-san. It was difficult for a while, but I have high hopes for us getting back together soon, thanks to her,” she motioned to me, “This is Reyna Marten, an American friend of mine. Please refer to her as Reyna, she dislikes her last name.”

I scoffed as I capped off my drink and prepared to order more, “I never said I disliked it. It just sounds awkward with honorifics. Bartender, two more.”

“Nice to meet you, Reyna-san,” the brunette bowed, “I’m Tachibana Makoto.”

“I’m Hazuki Nagisa,” spoke the blonde.

“And I’m Matsuoka Kou… wow, your arms are really toned. What do you do?” the redhead lost her train of thought as her eyes trained on my biceps.

“I essentially march around with a thirty-pound tuba on my shoulder all summer for fun. That’s it, really,” I oversimplified, feeling my vocabulary escaping my head. The Long Island wasn’t that strong, was it? I mean, I’ve always been a lightweight, but has my tolerance really gotten that pitiful?

“That sounds badass,” Hazuki commented, “I’m guessing it’s with a band in America?”

“Just about.”

“Do you really think HTT is gonna get back together?” Matsuoka brought the topic back around, crossing her arms in reflection.

Mugi unconfidently shifted in her seat, “I have my hopes, but I understand that our reunion may not pan out perfectly. All I can hope for is that we at least see things from each other’s perspectives and find it in our hearts to forgive each other.”

My next two drinks appeared, and I wasted no time in getting cracking. I wasn’t sure why, but the vibe of this interaction and this setting had started making me anxious at some point. Maybe I had some lingering stress after the Rasgado parties, and this felt a lot like that? I dunno, but the alcohol made it feel less suffocating.

“For your sake, I hope it works out, Mugi-chan,” Matsuoka remarked with an indiscernible ulterior tinge tacked on. She knew what really happened too. I wonder if she was there when it happened.

“What about you three?” Mugi drove the topic away from herself, “What have you been doing since then?”

The swirling in my head drowned out the sound of their conversation, giving way to my ears instead hyperfocusing on the new song that had begun at some point during our conversation. I continued nursing my straw as I picked out the lyrics.

_You got me feeling like a psycho, psycho,_

_Uril bogo malhae jakku, jakku,_

_Dasi an bol deut ssaudagado,_

_Buteo danini mallya._

_Ihaega an gandae,_

_Utgijido antae._

_Maja Psycho, psycho,_

_Seoro joa jungneun babo, babo,_

_Neo eopsin eojireopgo seulpeojyeo,_

_Giundo mak eopseoyo._

_Duri jal mannatdae,_

_Hey, now we’ll be okay._

This was _Psycho_ , right? The last time I had listened to K-Pop was on the balcony with Sano. Recalling that night, I slumped into the counter and distanced myself from Mugi, who was still chatting away with her pretty ex. My thoughts started blending together, and the resultign mess of memories brout me back to the good tiems and badd times with Mugii and Sano. I couln’t stop thinking about te both of themm. Every thiught was either one or the otherr. Pretty grils, one mean, one sweat. Sweet. Mugh.

Has my tolarance really fallen so far in jus a weekk? I felt slooppy.

“Reyna-reen? Daijoubu?” Mugi brouhgt her faice close to to mine as she examind me, the comcern in her eyes making me somhwat sad.

Forgeting how to speak Japanes, I repli in English and set my hand on her shouldrr, “Mugi, let’s get out of here.”

I felt mysel reach bleckout status as Moogi helped me to my feets and threw my right arm ova her shoulder, saying jibberish goobyes to the otheres as she escoted me out of the klub.

I remembered nothing else for the rest of the night.


	14. Saturn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Sex in the City by Hobo Johnson  
> Saturn by Sleeping At Last
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

_“Reyna-rin… mph…”_

_“Ungh… haah… umph…”_

_“Reyna-rin… plea— oh!”_

_“Yaah… hmph…”_

My crust-sealed eyes peeled open at the sound of the opening dialogue of my alarm, with the echoing sounds of _Sex in the City_ invading my virgin morning ears.

_Beautiful people only live in downtown,_

_And midtown and around where I stay._

_Is it their brain that really matters?_

_Or their character that flatters,_

_Or dependent on their beautiful face?_

_But if you're beautiful from birth,_

_Do you really have the courage,_

_Of a woman picked on for her girth?_

_Ever since she was a kid,_

_You know how kids work,_

_Up until she was a full-grown adult._

As I reached for my phone to turn the song down, I felt an unmistakable slick sensation between my fingertips and realised where I had pulled my hand from. After that revelation, I connected the dots between the moaning in my dream, my awkward downward dog position, and my apparent ‘sleepsturbation.’

I thought I’d grown out of wet dreams. And of Mugi? Sweet Jesus, I’m gross.

At that, exactly at what point last night did I decide to sleep in the nude? Aside from my Hawaiian shirt, of course. The thought processes of Drunk Reyna continued to elude me, even after three years of having a chance to analyse her.

Now that I was awake, I decided I might as well start my morning. Sliding my phone towards myself with my unsullied hand, I saw that I had woken up only an hour earlier than when I was woken up yesterday. Better every day? Sure, I’ll take it.

I dragged myself to the edge of my bed and found my footing, immediately regretting the speed of which I did so and falling back onto the sheets. Understanding that I probably needed a moment before I moved anywhere with this headache, I dragged myself back up to the head of my bed and grabbed my hydroflask, slapping my hand on the sticker from my rookie year show. I proceeded to take the longest swig of my life and open my phone, scrolling through a series of messages in both Japanese and English. The first was Alex.

_Denver free day today! Call me bitch_

I had totally forgotten that was today. Glad she reminded me. I composed my reply.

_Give me a bit to wake up. Partied last night_

Moving down the list, Sara was next.

_Thanks for getting Carson off my back_

Where would she be without me?

_Of course :P_

After that was Sano, to my surprise.

_Are you doing okay? You scared me yesterday_

Since when did she care how I felt? Feeling skeptical as all hell, I swiped past it and waited to respond when I had a clear head. The last text was from Fuji.

_What are you doing tonight?_

Wonder what she could be planning?

_Nothing that I know of, wbu?_

Clearing out my notifications, I continued to nurse my flask until I ran out of water. Curses, I always forget to refill it before I go to sleep, especially when I’m blasted. Whatever, I guess that had to be enough. I mentally prepared myself to stand by slowly pushing myself up from my pillows and gently setting my feet on the floor. The water helped marginally, providing me the courage to steadily raise upright. After I was sure I wouldn’t fall over, I traipsed over to the bathroom, supporting myself on the wall the whole way.

I reached the mirror after some cautious travelling, seeing how comedically dishevelled I looked. My hair was a mess, with my black roots now threatening to overtake the silver, the bags under my eyes were designer and had decided to acquire bags of their own, and I had lost my left earlobe piercing at some point. Drifting down to my chest, I realised that an earring wasn’t the only thing I had lost.

Where the fuck was my corps necklace? How had I not noticed sooner?

The adrenaline cancelled out my hangover as I darted around my room in a frenzy to find it, tossing my discarded clothes and strewn blankets around, feeling out the sheets for any of the metal charms. I then checked the place on my nightstand where I usually put it to sleep, being terrified by its vacancy, but finding an orange keychain charm of the hiragana for ‘ke’. On the verge of tears, I hastily buttoned up my shirt and tied my hair, hoping that would be presentable enough to exit my room and ask my roommates.

Once I was decent, I threw my door open and shambled into the living room, finding Midori and Kanna sitting at the couches with their eyes on the television. They quickly noticed me, with Midori scrunching her face and Kanna losing all emotion in her eyes.

“Do you two know where my necklace went?” I pleaded, “Did I say anything about it last night?”

Kanna piped up, “Ask Kotobuki-san. She’s the one who walked you home and got you to sleep.”

Midori chimed in, “She was here pretty late last night. If anyone will know, it’s her.”

I nodded, regretting the sudden head movement, shuffling back into my room and closing the door. With their advisory, I retrieved my phone and quickly found myself in my chat with Mugi. My fingers practically flew across the screen.

_Do you know what I did with my necklace last night?_

In an attempt to calm myself down, I strolled back into the bathroom and shed my shirt, planting myself on the stool and putting my phone on the brim of the tub. I then focused on my breathing and rubbed my temples, thinking about the remedies for the worst outcome. Even if my necklace was gone, I was good friends with the volunteers that made them. I’m sure that I could ask them for replacement charms, but I would be on my own for collecting replacement valve guides. While they wouldn’t have the same sentimental value, I could easily ask the boys to send me their discarded ones. Boom, new necklace. It wouldn’t be the same but at least I’d still have one.

Resigning myself to that fate, my device violently buzzed, almost shaking itself into the tub. I swiftly saved it and clicked it open, wholly unprepared for the sight I was treated to when the screen faded from my background to my messages.

Mugi had sent me a selfie: a down-shot, from her chin to her waist, in a button-up shirt, unbuttoned past the bottom of her bust. The gap in the shirt revealed her defined collarbones, ample cleavage, lacy bra, and my necklace, nestled in between her breasts. Below the racy picture, a bubble with three dots appeared, giving way to her message after a few seconds.

_Don’t you remember?_

Um…

Honesty is the best policy. I think.

_Tbh, I don’t remember much of last night. Please keep it safe for me!_

The words “Read 11:04” appeared in small text beneath my text bubble. After a few moments of nothing, I assumed the conversation was over, and an uncomfortable feeling seeped into my soul.

What happened last night?

————————————————————

Ugh, the hangover is the worst part of getting drunk.

As I soaked in the chilly waters of the tub, I racked my brain for any ancillary memories I could have from last night. No matter how hard I tried, the last thing I remember was Mugi escorting me out of the club.

The bike was still there, wasn’t it? Fuck it.

The fact that I gave her my corps necklace last night continued to befuddle me. Even Drunk Reyna knew how important that piece of memorabilia was, so why would I hand it off, even to her? I really, really, _really_ hope I didn’t give it to her with any idea of permanence, because asking for it back after something like that would be a dick move. As much as I cherished Mugi, that necklace is too vital to me to just give it away. I guess I’d find out when I saw her next. Jesus, that’s gonna be an awkward conversation.

Growing bored of my own thoughts, I wiped my hands on the hanging towel next to me and grabbed my phone, scrolling through my various apps for something to take my mind off of the mystery. As I did so, a response from Fuji fell from the top of my screen.

_Nothing here, either. Would you want to hang out somewhere?_

I couldn’t decide which connotation of ‘hang out’ I wanted that to be. Regardless of any possible ulterior motives, I responded.

_Sure, as long as it’s later today. I have lunch planned with my roommates and some friends_

I still had very little to go off of in deciding what kind of person Fujibayashi Shino was, but the concept of ‘stranger danger’ didn’t feel like it applied here. Plus, unless she was like that bob-cut bouncer I kept seeing, I probably had little to worry about if she pulled anything fishy. Aside from Hayashi and that skinny girl from Mio’s photoshoot, I was the tallest female I’d met in Japan so far, and I’d yet to be bested by anyone shorter than me.

Thinking of short people, I decided that now was as good a time as any to call Alex like she requested earlier. I closed all of my open apps and clicked on my contacts, finding Alex in my favourites list. I then pushed the call button and set it to speaker, setting my phone down on the edge of the tub once more.

_“Reyna!”_ Alex’s eager shout caused me to jump back and bonk my head, _“Oh my god, tour hasn’t been the same without you. How have you been? You haven’t given me any updates.”_

“I haven’t?” I chuckled, shaking off the fact that I’d been going to Mia for advice instead of her, “It’s been a ride, for sure. I’ll save it though, I want to hear about the season.”

She sighed with exhaustion, _“It has been interesting. The corps seems quieter without you around, but we’re doing really well competitively. I swear, we’ve been jumping up a placement every week. If we keep it up we might just beat the Blue Suns. Wouldn’t that be nuts? We weren’t even a finalist Corps two years ago.”_

“That would be nuts. Y’all aren’t nearly as loud as them.”

_“That was Denver, you know the altitude kills our sound. I bet we’ll be melting faces in San Antonio.”_

“You fucking better. Our high school is gonna be there, and you know how snooty they get about drum corps.”

_“Oh shit, you’re right,”_ she laughed, undoubtedly recalling how much shit we got for joining the Outriders back then, _“I’ll be sure and beat the euphs into playing louder for that.”_

“That’s right, you’re the section leader now,” I scratched the back of my head, accidentally dripping water onto the screen, “How’s that been? As bad as you thought?”

_“Yada yada, difficulties of being a woman in power in this activity. Other than some snags in the beginning, it’s actually been great. Doesn’t hurt that I set the best example. Liv has been doing good as the mello section leader as well, but—“_

She stopped herself as I uncomfortably shifted my legs in the tub, _“I’m sorry, Reyna. Is she still a sensitive subject? I heard about how you two fought before you left.”_

I lied through my teeth, “Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve had some time to find my peace. I’m glad she’s doing well, though. I remember how sad the mellos were when Sano didn’t return. I’m glad they bounced back from it.”

_“Yeah, they look and sound great under her tutelage. The trumpets are actually the ticks of the brass this year, which is a nice shift from last season.”_

“Don’t let Carson hear you say that.”

_“You kidding? He was the first one to acknowledge it. He’s pissed, it’s hilarious. Darby makes them run at least once a block.”_

“Justice for them laughing at the tubas last year,” I chuckled as I recalled the misery that was being a tuba in the Outriders last season.

_“To be fair,”_ she accented her voice to make the reference to _Listowel_ , _“You guys were crap last year.”_

“Fuck you mean, you guys? I was at the top of my game.”

_“Okay, everyone except you. You made up for it in other ways, though. Don’t even try to deny it.”_

“I won’t. But give me some credit—“

_“I’m gonna have to call you back,”_ she interjected, _“We’re watching Legend of Kore on the bus and I need to yell at anyone who shits on it. It was good talking to you again, call me more. Or text me.”_

I giggled at her rushing to the show’s defense, “For sure. Talk to ya later, Vista.”

_“Talk to ya.”_

As my phone screen went dark, I reflected on how the season would be different, if at all, if I had marched this year. Would it be different? It’s not every day that I consider my possible impact on an ensemble of one-hundred-fifty people, but doing so stressed me out.

No point in pondering how the spilt milk would’ve tasted. I took the ending of our call as a sign to start draining the tub, noticing how pruned my fingers were getting. I made sure to enjoy the sensation of the water slowly draining around me until I was rudely reminded how effective our air conditioner was and felt the frigid air in all the places I didn’t want to. I then struggled out of the deep tub and quickly began rubbing myself down with my towel, hoping the friction would warm me up.

After getting decently dry, I threw on the denim shorts and shirt I’d set out, then frisked my hair once more for good measure before tying up my signature ponytail and donning my corps hat. I felt so fucking naked without my necklace, but I guess I had to hold out for it. Recalling the incredibly awkward ending to the text conversation between me and Mugi earlier gave me cause to believe that I probably shouldn’t bother her for it today.

Instead of living with my giraffe neck for the day, I grabbed the one choker I brought with me and clipped it on, feeling significantly more punk today than I had in a while as a result. Changing it up can be fun sometimes.

Now feeling prepared for the day ahead, I waltzed out of the bathroom, straight through my bedroom, and into the hallway. The scent from the kitchen clued me in that Midori had already begun preparing the lunch for Reina and Kumiko coming over today. As I rounded the corner into the living room, I was greeted by the sight of Kumiko and Reina already sitting around the kotatsu. Good lord, how long had I been in the bath?

“I was starting to wonder if you were ever gonna leave the bath, Reyna,” Kanna read my mind, “Kousaka-san was just telling us about how you two first met.”

I snickered as I took my regular spot at the couch, “Did you tell them about Darby’s joke?”

“About how it would be funny if Reina and Reyna were friends?” Kumiko added with a smirk, “She left that part out this time.”

“Aww, why? That’s my favourite part.”

“In retrospect, I suppose it’s clever, at least,” Reina fiddled with her hair, her eyes drifting to the right.

“Kinda lame, if you ask me,” Kanna tossed in her two cents.

“Whatever, Kanna,” Midori called over from the kitchen, “That’s exactly your type of humour.”

“Unimportant. Reyna-chan, please take this remote and bless us with your choices in television once more.”

I puffed my cheeks in contemplation, “I dunno, Kanna. You might have exhausted all of my best choices already.”

She grunted at my statement, extending me the remote anyways, “I believe in you, Reyna-chan!”

I reluctantly took the remote and scrolled over to Nowflix, wondering what I could put on that would be equally engaging and not distracting if we wanted to talk over it.

“So, Oumae-san,” Kanna continued on, “How do you make your hair do that?”

Kumiko patted her considerable floof in confusion, “You mean this? I dunno, it just kinda does that. I don’t really do much to it.”

“I’m jealous of it. Even when I grew my hair out, it never puffed like that. Perhaps if I added insulation…” she trailed off, her eye probably catching the massive amount of weeb shit in my Nowflix watch list.

I began scrolling faster to get away from it as all three of them turned to the screen, silently judging my tastes in the shows of their people.

“Kill la Kill? I knew you were secretly a pervert, Reyna-chan,” Kanna huffed, squinting at me.

“It’s well animated,” I huffed back, pouting as I kept searching.

After getting to the end of the list, I reached my extensive backlog of comedy specials, then questioned if the cultural gap would be too large for the jokes to even land, or if the jokes would translate well.

“I have something,” I began, “But it might not translate right in the subtitles. Does everyone understand English on at least a conversational level?”

After the three before me nodded, I peered around to Midori, who also nodded. Alright, Dave Chappelle it is.

Hitting play, I let them choose between idly conversing or watching as I pulled up my phone once more, seeing a new message from Fuji.

_Can we meet at the shopping arcade at 1800?_

That sounds fun enough. I wondered about whether she was bringing Sunohara along again. Part of me hoped she would just so it wouldn’t just be the two of us, but the other part…

No, Reyna. Be better. No fantasising about being alone with cute strangers when you have enough emotional and romantic prospects already.

_Sure. I’ll see you then._

I proceeded to lock my phone and place it to my right, crossing my arms in judgment of myself. Just as I looked up to the TV, Midori crossed my vision with a tray of okonomiyaki dishes, distributing them to each corner of the table, then taking her seat next to Kanna. I slipped down from the couch and slid into my seat at the kotatsu, breaking my chopsticks in preparation. We shared a unison ‘itadakimasu’, then dug in.

“What’s that one word he keeps saying? I don’t recognise it,” Kumiko inquired as Dave told a joke about his friend who got in a divorce.

“N****?” Kanna innocently recited.

I choked on my food, quickly taking a swig to wash it down before shutting that shit down, “Don’t say that.”

“Huh? Why?” Midori inquired.

“It’s a thing where some people can say it and others can’t.”

As everyone but Reina observed the physical differences between themselves and Dave, they connected the dots and nodded in affirmation. Reina and I then shared a knowing glance as two people who had spent enough time in America to understand the politics behind that word.

“So, Reyna,” Midori started, putting her chopsticks down momentarily, “Kousaka-san told us that you and her first met Akiyama-san and the others in America. How was that?”

I mimicked her motion, then hesitated to chew and swallow, “It made meeting them again at Yamada really jarring, I guess. I dunno, it was like equal parts heart-warming seeing people that I recognised and terrifying after the awkwardness of our initial meeting. I never would’ve guessed that they would have split up by the time I got here. It was, what, only a two and a half month gap from then to now? I’ve learned a bit about why _now_ , but it’s still mind-bending sometimes.”

“Really?” Reina cocked her head, “I felt like I could see the seams back then, too. The way Akiyama-san and Tainaka-san got fidgety when their partner touched anyone but them, Hirasawa-san’s overreliance on the alcohol, and of course, their argument after the phone call. It all seemed pretty reasonable to me when I found out.”

Had it really been that obvious? I guess I wasn’t really paying that much attention then.

She took a small bite of her okonomiyaki before she resumed, “I also saw Kotobuki-san taking a shine to you coming. She had her eyes trained on you the whole time, and the way she sat next to you just to fall asleep on you? Pretty transparent.”

“Maybe you’re just looking too far into it, Reina,” Kumiko objected, letting out a light chuckle, “Or you’re just projecting the ways you show affection on others.”

Reina’s cheeks adopted a light glow as she snapped her head around from me to the screen, “Whatever.”

Kumiko ‘awwed’ at her partner before throwing her head on Reina’s shoulder, joining in watching the comedy special. Kanna grunted in acknowledgement at seeing this display, then tried it on Midori, setting her head on the unsuspecting blonde’s shoulder. Midori responded by gaining a scarlet shade across her face and widened eyes, but not protesting.

Beautiful.

As we carried on with our lunch and conversations, my mind drifted off to ponder the love in the air. It seemed like mating season had come early for all these different pairs of girls, be it Yui and Nakano yesterday, Kumiko and Reina recently, or Kanna and Midori just now. However, I felt no wholesomeness about my own prospects. Ever since my consideration sessions at the park and the club, I became increasingly more concerned for how I would fuck up any of those options. Olivia was a perfectly normal, well-adjusted person before I screamed into her life, putting her at a distinct advantage to Mugi or Sano.

Would pursuing either of them be a good idea after all that I’ve done in my previous relationship? Would it even be right to try?

Guess I’d find out one way or another.

————————————————————

I vibed to the soothing sounds of _Saturn_ as I made my way down the street towards the shopping arcade, wondering to myself when and how I’d be able to get the bike back. At first, I had the notion that I wouldn’t be needing it for a while, but just how many times had I used it just this week? Yeah, I should really retrieve it as soon as humanly possible, just in case.

With it on my mind, I retrieved my bike keys from my belt loop, fiddling with this mysterious ‘ke’ charm. It was probably Mugi’s but I had no idea what it meant or why she’d left it on my nightstand. Regardless, I made a pact with myself to keep it on my person until I saw her again.

I also had no fucking clue what life in Japan held for me after this talk tomorrow. It seemed like I had gone in with no plan at all when I shipped off, but now, I had been working towards a singular goal without thinking much about what happens next. Would I just be a part of their group? Would we all just be one big, happy family? Where did Kumiko and Reina fit into that? Or Sano? Did I even want to see Sano again after tomorrow?

Even after all that shit she’d put me through so far and what was at stake with her involvement, I’d been unconsciously thinking about her on the same level as the others. I hated her, right? Right?

Fuck it, I dunno. Time to focus on lyrics and forget about thinking for a bit.

_I couldn't help but ask,_

_For you to say it all again._

_I tried to write it down,_

_But I could never find a pen._

_I'd give anything to hear,_

_You say it one more time,_

_That the universe was made,_

_Just to be seen by my eyes._

I really needed to edit this playlist. Recently, a bunch of the songs had just been giving me flashbacks, but this one… Oof. That night, under the stars in Pennsylvania. Funny how memories can turn from positive to negative over time, or vice versa.

Crossing over the now familiar bridge, I popped my earbuds out and took in the ambient noise of Usagiyama. This was such a pleasant little town within spitting distance of Kyoto. I hadn’t even considered the surrounding area when I applied to Yamada University, just the college, but boy was I glad this was where I chose. Well, despite the proximity to pop star drama to end all pop star drama. Maybe Fuji would be a nice break from all of that. Maybe this _is_ just what I needed.

Now standing at the mouth of the market, I scanned the interior for that pale violet ponytail, thinking about how I could gather her intentions from her outfit. I then did a double-take at my own outfit, realising how utterly casual I looked. Granted, I didn’t really give myself many options when I packed, and it wasn’t like I was gonna wear a fucking dress to anything anytime soon.

_“Boo!”_

I stumbled into the wall to my left after the sneak attack, panning my vision around to my right to see Fuji, giggling her little heart out. What did I say earlier about being bested by someone shorter than me?

“Proud of yourself?” I grumbled, flicking out the back of my shirt to displace any possible dust.

“More than you’ll know,” she sighed with satisfaction, placing a hand on her hip and drawing attention to the tight waist of her sundress, “You don’t look like the jumpy type, so I guess I was challenging myself.”

“Well then congratulations. I nearly jumped out of my own skin.”

“Thank you,” she curtsied, “So, there’s certainly a lot of options, huh?”

I furrowed my brow and smirked, “Don’t tell me you haven’t been here before.”

She scrunched her mouth to the right, “And what if I hadn’t? I’m new here, remember? I just thought it sounded fun.”

“That makes the second time a girl has taken me here with no concept of what’s actually inside.”

“Sounds like you’re assuming this is a date.”

“Do you usually wear well-fitted sundresses to hang out with brand new friends?”

She looked down at her clothes, fanning out her skirt with both hands, “And what if I do? Leaves you in a pretty awkward position after making such an assumption.”

“I’ve been at this game a while,” I accidentally boasted, “I’d honestly be surprised if I read you wrong.”

“Cocky? I can’t tell if I hate that.”

“Thanks?”

She smiled my way before pivoting towards the market, “So you’ve apparently been here before, then. What’s there for two girls who might be on a date to do?”

I racked my brain for all of the shops I knew of, “There’s udon, tofu, a flower shop, a combination coffee-record store, two different mochi stores, a bathhouse, and a few others that I’m forgetting.”

“Coffee sounds nice,” she commented, then leaned forwards to leer at me, “Maybe the bathhouse, too?”

“It’s not that kind of bathhouse,” I deflected, “There’s not even a couples bath, just boys and girls.”

“Good thing we’re both girls,” she quipped, sauntering in and beckoning me to follow.

This felt familiar, and I couldn’t decide if that made me feel better or worse about it. Regardless, I moseyed on, catching up to her with relative ease.

I was beginning to recognise a few of the shop owners as we passed. The older gentleman from the toy shop, the couple from the sashimi stall, and the lady from the flower shop. They all seemed like incredibly lovely people, but at the same time, that made me feel so much more out of place. They all greeted Midori and Kanna, but gained an equally curious and scared look when they spotted me. My choices in accessorization just made me stick out in such a traditionally pleasant place like this.

After a moment of silently and peacefully walking, we reached the staircase up into the coffee shop. I took the lead, turning into the entrance and pushing the door open, then back closed once Fuji passed through.

Our eyes were met with a menagerie of classic records from all over the world, and the view of a preteen copy of Kitashirakawa speaking with the store owner, a middle-aged, bespectacled man clad in some Buddhist-reminiscent garb. After finding my footing, I noticed the music currently emanating from the record player, recognising Kitashirakawa’s voice in the vocals.

_Juwaki wo hazushite,_

_Daiyaru mawasu sore dake nanda._

_Dakedo,_

_Sonna yuuki mo dasenai kara._

_Semete,_

_Kono uta wo anata no tame dake ni utau._

“Is that Kitashirakawa-san?” I thought aloud, catching the attention of the pair further down.

“Huh?” the small girl questioned, examining me for a moment, “Oh, you’re Kanna-chan and Mido-chan’s new roommate, right? Reyna Mountain-san?”

“Just about,” I lightly chuckled at the ‘Mountain-san’ part, “I’m guessing you’re Kitashirakawa-san’s little sister?”

“I’m Kitashirakawa Anko, but everyone calls me An. Were you asking about the song?”

“Yeah,” I rubbed my chin as Fuji took one of the seats ahead, “I didn’t know your sister could sing.”

The man interjected as he poured two cups of coffee, “Music is the progression of emotion, and she was overflowing when she sang.”

I nodded in possible understanding as I took the other seat, with the man and little Kitashirakawa moving across the room to us to distribute the coffee and continue the conversation respectively.

Little Kitashirakawa expanded on the man’s words as we poured in our preferred levels of creamer and took our first sips, “Our dad actually wrote this song for our mom, but Tama-chan really liked it, so with the help of the music club at the university, she made her own version for Mochizou.”

“The university doesn’t have an active music club, though,” I commented, wondering who she could have meant.

“It doesn’t? All I know is it was a few musicians from the college. I only remember Moon-san and Sano-san. I forgot the other’s names.”

Fuji curiously flinched at Kitashirakawa’s words, while I recoiled much more noticeably, “Oh, is that so? Sano never mentioned that she did a gig with your sister.”

Kitashirakawa’s eyes shone, “You know her? Tell her to come by Tama-ya sometime, Tama-chan wanted to thank her with some free mochi. And the others, if you know them.”

“Got it, I’ll see what I can find out.”

She happily nodded, then stepped towards the door, “I have to go, but it was nice meeting you. Bye, Yaobi-san.”

“Live free, Little An,” he half-heartedly waved, shuffling back over to the record player and preparing a new track.

Once Kitashirakawa was out the door, I turned to Fuji, who had been left out of the conversation, save her weirdly-timed reaction.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” I began, taking a sip before continuing, “Do you know Houkago Tea Time? You had an interesting reaction when I mentioned Mugi-chan yesterday, and just now when she mentioned Sano.”

Her eyes met the counter before she spoke, “I may have been a technical assistant for them a month back or so. I didn’t think it was noteworthy enough to mention.”

“Was it not for very long or anything?”

“No,” she expressed, crossing her arms and tensing up, “I was only with them from their Tokyo show to their breakup in Iwatobi. I barely got to learn their names.”

“Ah, fair enough.”

I didn’t really feel satisfied with that answer, but she seemed uncomfortable with my interrogation, so I backed off. Could she have been there when the fight happened? Is that why she was deflecting so hard?

I really wish I knew her well enough to pick her brain about it, but I didn’t want to scare her off. Guess I’ll just keep my questions to myself, again.

————————————————————

“Oh Christ, I needed that,” I groaned as I slowly lowered myself into the therapeutically roasting waters of the bathhouse tub, letting the burning sensation seep into my tired muscles and now-blackened hickeys.

Fuji let out a similar satisfied exhale upon immersing herself, then scooted to directly across from me. She gently recoiled at our feet making contact, then repositioned to avoid the same mistake. I let out a soft giggle at her sudden awkwardness, now feeling sure she was more intimidated by me than I was of her.

“How long ago did you get all of your tattoos?” she inquired, propping her head on her hand, “… And piercings?”

“Pretty much all of them happened within the past three years,” I relayed, brushing off the newest one and appreciating its contour, “You should try it. Hurts so good.”

“Good one,” she laughed, loosening up.

“So, tell me about yourself, Fujibayashi-san.”

“Please, I know that’s a mouthful for you. Shino is fine.”

I smiled in recognition of her familiarity, “Alrighty. Shino, tell me about yourself. It seems like all we’ve talked about is me since we first met.”

She sighed, her eyes drifting to the side, “There’s not much to tell. I had a really normal childhood in Hikarizaka, kept a few friends around, and now I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life. Even moved halfway across Japan to live with friends, if that’s any indication how little I had going for me back home.”

“I get it. I was kinda in a similar situation. What about your friends, though? How’d you meet them?”

“The four of us have all basically known each other since we were kids. Our parents were friends in high school, and decided that their kids should have a similar safety net, but I guess for significantly longer. It’s a miracle we didn’t end up hating each other, considering how long we’ve been together. Especially Kai-rin. I wish I could tell you more.”

I cocked my head, disrupting the water around my shoulders, “Why can’t you?”

“Huh?” she tilted her head right back.

“Why can’t you tell me more about Kai-rin?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I misspoke. I could tell you more, but I don’t want to bore you.”

I furrowed my brow skeptically, but she stayed steadfast, even adding in a shrug for effect.

I decided to bring up the elephant in the room, “So, why did you want to hang out again so soon, in particular?”

She released a disarming scoff, “Truly? You interest me, Reyna. I’ve lived my life around a lot of the same people, same things, but you’re so particularly different. You stand out wherever you go, and that intrigues me. I want to know what makes you tick, what kind of person you are.”

“That’s quite honest.”

“Would you rather I lie?”

“Of course not,” I waved it away, “I’m sure you’ve met people like me. I’m nothing special.”

“Sure you are,” she rebuked, “And I know I have. I can think of a very specific person you remind me of, but I don’t want to know more about her. I want to know more about you.”

“This almost sounds like a confession of love.”

She turned her face to the wall, with her amethyst eyes quickly glancing to me and back past her half-shut eyelids, “Do you want it to be?”

Do I want it to be?

_“You’re mine now, and if you forget that, I’ll be sure to remind you.”_

_“I’ll try, and thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”_

_“I want you to stay… with me. I love you.”_

Their words danced around my mind, repeating over and over and over. I was in over my head, and as much as I wanted to relapse into who I had been for the past few years, to who I knew I could be, I fought it. I didn’t want to keep making the same mistakes and expecting a different result. I wanted to be better. I had to be better.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want that,” I sighed sadly, “You’re great, and I appreciate your words, but I’d much rather just be friends right now. I’ve got so much on my plate, I don’t think I could handle you with the respect you deserve. Again, I’m sorry, but I want to be honest with you.”

The gleam in her eyes died as she continued apathetically staring at the wall past me, “Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it. I hope I didn’t just make it awkward.”

“Of course not,” I extended my hand, “Let’s hang out again sometime, but with less undertones.”

Her gaze drifted to my outstretched hand, and she allowed a smile to creep across her face as she took it and we shook. After we released, I let out a heavy sigh of content and set my head on the rim of the tub behind me. The lyrics of _Saturn_ floated back into my brain, with them now giving me hope for the future, instead of despair about the past. I sang them to myself in a whisper.

“I couldn't help but ask,

For you to say it all again.

I tried to write it down,

But I could never find a pen.

I'd give anything to hear,

You say it one more time,

That the universe was made,

Just to be seen by my eyes.”

I picked up on Shino’s playful snicker at my ballad, and smiled to myself at her recognition of my singing.

Music is the progression of emotion, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharo / The Major here,
> 
> Unfortunately, due to life getting more and more busy over the past month, I’m losing more and more time to work on Yamada. 
> 
> In the week between now and next Wednesday, I will be considering the options of either switching to a bi-weekly release schedule or going on hiatus.
> 
> I’ll be sure to make Chapter 15 a good stopping point in the event that it becomes the last chapter for a while, but I won’t leave this unfinished. My current outline has 26 chapters total and a sequel project, so I’ll be sure to return to the KyoAni Cinematic Universe before too long.
> 
> Thank you for continuing to support this project over the past 14 chapters. I’ll be back next Wednesday with more news on the future of the Keions, Hibikes, Reyna, Sano, and all the rest at Yamada University.


	15. Death of a Bachelor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Death of a Bachelor by Panic! At the Disco
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains themes of trauma that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

This day came way too soon. I didn’t feel remotely ready for it.

I grasped my phone with both hands, staring down my screen as I double-checked the messages I’d sent to Ritsu, Mio, Yui, and Mugi. All four of them read the same.

_Sixteen at band room two in Yamada’s Music Building_

And there I was, walking to the college a good two and a half hours before any of my classes as I usually did, mentally preparing myself for the torrent of questions I felt like I’d get from the quartet. I knew that this was the lynchpin of Mugi’s plan, but I couldn’t help but feel the itching desire to run away from the responsibilities of today. I still hadn’t heard from Mugi after that short text conversation yesterday morning, and that only made my anxiety worse.

It was times like this where I desperately wished life had a fast-forward button so I could just be done with it. My past hour of being awake had passed so hilariously slowly that my anticipation physically hurt. I just didn’t want to be around today, even though I had high hopes and had no expectation for it to go wrong. Like, what was I so afraid of? Convincing the four of them to meet up was such a cakewalk, so why was I so scared about it going south? I hoped I wasn’t jinxing it.

Passing through the shopping arcade today felt more ominous than usual, almost as if their positivity was throwing off the yin-yang balance of the day. I was probably being too pessimistic, but I couldn’t help it. I still didn’t have enough information. Why did Ritsu and Mio break up? Why did they have to transfer colleges? What was Sano’s real place in all of it? There were still unanswered questions, and not knowing things always made me concerned.

I just needed to breathe. Pop in my earbuds and breathe.

I reached into my pocket, pushing my vape out of the way to grasp my earbuds, quickly plugging them in and hitting shuffle. I just needed to let the music take me away for the next few minutes of this walk.

_Do I look lonely?_

_I see the shadows on my face._

_People have told me,_

_I don't look the same._

_Maybe I lost weight,_

_I'm playing hooky,_

_With the best of the best,_

_Put my heart on my chest,_

_So that you can see it, too._

Dark, but for some reason, that didn’t really bother me today.

As I passed the last street before the college, with the full front of campus now in view, I noticed an unusual series of coloured flags tumble into the air and back down from behind the music building. They looked familiar, but at this distance, I couldn’t place why or discern much else. Shrugging it off, I trudged on towards my regular entrance. Whatever it was, I’m sure it was just another part of the normal hustle and bustle that I missed before.

Oh, right. I was almost always with someone on this walk, be it Kumiko, Kanna and Midori, or Mugi. Ugh, now I just kept reminding myself of little unfortunate details that just made me more worried. I hate this. I hate my brain.

Suddenly, another set of objects flew into the air from the same general location as before, but this time I was close enough to see exactly what they were. Two flags, a colour guard rifle, and a colour guard sabre. Excuse me?

I felt myself pick up the pace towards the site, wondering if the view of something so familiar might be able to pull me out of this anxiety trip. I popped out my right earbud, hearing a recording of what either could’ve been a good marching band or a drum corps radiating out from their zone. Okay, I had to know.

After a hot minute of nearly jogging, I rounded the corner of the music building and finally set my sights on the origin of the flying flags and prop weapons. Four girls, each varying fairly dramatically in height but not so much in weight, all in an irregular hybrid of traditional Japanese high school sweats and drum corps style rehearsal garb standing some distance from the wall. Three of them were further out than the fourth, all facing her as well. I began to analyse them further.

The lone girl was taller than most but not the tallest, sporting long, sable hair, tightly wound in an array of braids. She had ocean eyes, sternly watching over the others. The first in line was the tallest of the bunch, with a blonde mane that reached down her back, with mauve eyes that I could barely make out from the angle. 

The second in line was average height, having a similar but distinct hairstyle as the loner, but her cold, hickory eyes contrasted heavily, with a no-nonsense vibe. The final girl was just a squirt, but her pale bob cut and oddly weary but attentive eyes let me know she was sitting in the same age range as the rest.

After completing my analysis, they noticed me, who had subconsciously taken position leaning on the wall of the adjacent building. I suddenly felt somewhat guilty for staring, but instead of making an escape, I retrieved my phone and pretended to look at it.

“Wait,” one of them called over, “Is that an Outriders hat?”

Glancing up in surprise, I saw that they had all turned towards me and paused the recording, their shirts and jackets revealing what I needed to know. They were clad in Drum Corps International merch and show shirts from the previous few seasons, with the three in line sporting familiar necklaces. My fucking people, I knew they’d been hiding somewhere.

“Yeah, I’ve marched with them the past few years,” I grinned, popping out my remaining earbud, “What about you four?”

The squirt piped up, proudly setting her rifle butt on the grass, “I marched Azure Knights.”

Next was the tall girl, “I was with Spirit of Savannah last year.”

“I was at Shadow Regiment, on marimba,” the cold girl remarked, then pointed to the loner, “She marched Blue Angels, and some other places.”

The Blue Angel set her sabre on the ground, motioning for me to meet her halfway, “And some other places. Rumours were going around campus about an American girl with a big necklace who transferred in last week. I was wondering when I’d run into you and recognise your charms.”

I felt my chest for my necklace, remembering the reason for its absence.

“Wonder no more,” I sighed, stopping a few metres before her and bowing, “Reyna Marten, please call me Reyna. As I said, three-year vet of the Outriders, tuba line.”

“I’m Moon Yuri,” she returned the bow, then began pointing down the line, “The mean-looking one is Takahashi Hina, the tall one is Baishou Sayori, and the shortie is Funatsu Kaede. They all got cut from their auditions at Blue Angels, so I’m helping them out.”

I crossed my arms behind myself, pushing up my backpack, “Nice to meet you all. I’m curious about you, though. Why take a year off from the winningest corps?”

“That’s complicated,” she let out a deflective chuckle, “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you, but we’ve gotta get back to it. They’ve got early classes. Find us after fourteen by the baseball field sometime, I’d love to learn more about the American girl who took a year off to study abroad.”

“I’ll definitely do that. See you all around,” I waved, strolling out of the way and towards the entrance of the music hall.

I caught a few of them waving back as I passed the threshold, letting that simple interaction boost my mood as I trekked towards band room two. Having friends that weren’t tied to this fiasco felt like a good thing, but after my interactions with Shino for the past two days, I stayed on my guard. Moon Yuri, though. That was a unique name. Probably Korean, right?

Now having a reasonable amount of my bearings, I resumed my routine of peeking into each practice room as I walked through the hall, seeing that I was early enough for them to all be vacant. Then, I pushed my way into the band room, finding all four chairs and music stands set up, but all of them being empty, save Sano’s, backwards, with her resting her chin on her crossed arms atop the chair’s back. Great.

She perked up at the sound of my entry, promptly rotating around as I strolled towards my seat and mimicked her pose once I arrived at my chair. Her vibe seemed atypically calm or somber, as her chin found its way right back to its nest after I was seated. We sat in a shared solemn silence for a time before she spoke.

“Reyna, I’m worried.”

I laughed sarcastically, “Is that why you fought against this plan?”

“Actually, yeah.”

I tilted my head at her, seeing her verdant eyes listlessly staring into oblivion. I actually believed her.

“Why are you so worried?” I questioned, “I had the notion that you didn’t like Houkago Tea Time.”

“I mean,” her face scrunched in contemplation before her fist rose up to press into her cheek, “Yes and no, but that doesn’t mean I want to see them tear themselves apart again. I dunno, I have a lot of mixed feelings about all of this. If it goes wrong, I’m blaming you.”

“That seems unfair.”

“Is it? You did this because you feel bad about how you tore your own group apart, right? If you hadn’t cheated on Olivia, you, her, Mia, Alex, and maybe even Erin could’ve been one big, happy family, but it was all you, Reyna. You and Mugi both feel bad about your mistakes, which is why you worked together to try to fix what she destroyed. It’s kinda pathetic, like just move on and forget about it.”

“Why is this Mugi-chan’s fault?” I furrowed my brow, “What’s the part no one is telling me?”

She peered over to me past her mass of bangs, shrugging, “You’ll find out soon enough. Just know that you’ll be responsible for this, too, in victory or defeat.”

“Is it your mission to just make me feel like shit all of the time?”

“I was wondering when you would ask.”

We simultaneously turned our faces towards each other, both of us staring as far down as we could and gathering whatever we could. It was in that moment that I felt like I finally understood her, why she had been so difficult and had been working to undermine me. She was harbouring immense guilt, and knew I was, too. Instead of punishing herself, she punished the first person she could relate to. I finally pinned her down, but I would keep that to myself.

This was war, after all. I wouldn’t reveal what few advantages I had.

Just as I made my revelation, the doors opened once more, with Kumiko and Reina marching in. As they noticed us, they stopped in their tracks.

“Excuse us,” Kumiko inquired, “Are we interrupting something?”

I gave Sano a head pat of acknowledgement as I rose from my seat and moseyed over to my tuba case, “Nah, let’s get cracking. This may very well be our last morning rehearsal with just the four of us.”

“That makes me both excited and sad.”

I glanced over my shoulder as the duo found their seats and cracked open their cases, with my gaze finding Sano pouting and blushing as she reached down for her newly acquired mellophone.

Are you kidding? Maybe I didn’t have her pinned down.

“Wait just a minute,” I heel-turned back around towards the congregation, “Where’s our instruments, Sano?”

“I was wondering when you’d notice,” her blush faded as she victoriously smirked and pointed towards the side door, “The tuba and baritone are in the instrument room, waiting for you.”

I promptly shuffled across the space towards the storage room, sliding the door open to see that beautiful Yamaha logo on an upright contrabass bugle case, begging to be cracked open. I began cackling to myself as I skipped over to the plastic treasure chest and pried it open, nearly being blinded by the shine of freshly polished, silver-coated brass.

“Oh my fucking god,” I beamed, “She’s beautiful. Are these brand new?”

“Not since last season, but really well maintained. Keep it that way or it’ll be my ass,” Sano declared from the other room.

I rubbed my hands together for good luck as I gently removed the beast of a horn from its casket and placed it on the tile, removing the neck from its compartment elsewhere in the case and plugging it into the tuba. I then joyfully strode out of the room with it in tow and brought it to my backpack, pulling out my prized mouthpiece, screwing it in, and placing the bell at my feet. 

Taking a deep breath in and out, I repeated the drilled-in motion of bringing the horn to my shoulder, each hand nostalgically jumping from butt to handle and valves, then slapping my hand down onto the hand pipe in a lovely smack that reverberated against every wall. 

Oh, I could nut.

“So their meeting is happening at sixteen, here?” Reina began interrogating as she fiddled with her tuning slides and spit valves.

“Yeah,” I admitted, “It was the most centralised place I could think of for everyone, and the easiest to locate. Plus, the space seems like it could fit eight people, right?”

She cocked her head at my count, “Eight? So you want Kumiko and me to be around for it?”

“It’ll be your jazz club, too, provided all goes well.”

“It could get ugly, though,” Sano shrugged dismissively, “I mean, it did last time. You three should prepare yourselves for that possibility.”

I sent a fist to my chest, allowing myself to peacock somewhat, “They also didn’t have a mediator last time, but I’m here this time. I’ll be doing everything in my power to keep tensions low.”

As I presented my solution, I felt Sano’s eyes roll away in contempt, knowing she had something to say but was keeping it to herself. Out with it, it’s not like it could be any worse than what you’ve already said and done.

Following our brief exchange, Kumiko waltzed back out of the instrument storage, holding the marching baritone like she was afraid of it. I giggled to myself as I set my horn safely on its side and walked over to her.

“Let me see it,” I extended a hand to her.

She handed it off to me, with my fingers naturally finding their place on the valve caps.

“Watch and learn,” I stated, bringing the horn up to my face and rotating to show her how exactly my hands sat on the horn, “This is how you hold it. It will be kinda hard at first since your right hand is only bracing with your thumb and pinkie, and your arms and back will hurt a lot, but you’ll get used to it.”

“Will it really sound better?” she whinged, shrinking down a few centimetres.

“Better isn’t exactly what we’re going for, anyways,” Reina chimed in, “It's just the unified difference in timbre. I believe in you, Kumiko.”

I gave her a thumbs up as I handed the horn back and returned to my own, noticing Sano scanning the room and checking the clock, “Tsumugi not joining us today? She usually waltzes in with you or by herself about this time.”

I sent my gaze down, accidentally letting on that there could be something going on. Before any of them had a chance to pry, I picked up my horn and prepared to take command of the rehearsal.

“Alright, I suggest we all warm up for a bit to get used to the new horns,” I relayed.

“Yes, Brass Caption Head,” Sano teased, clicking her valves rhythmically.

I blew a half-hearted raspberry at her as I brought my horn back up to my shoulder and got used to the fast fingerings of _Green Groves_ on the button valves as opposed to the paddle valves of the concert tuba.

As we each began idly playing our own exercises and excerpts, I suddenly felt my backbone dissolve and my anxiety spike once again.

I’d have to write up some ‘thank you’ letters to the powers that be if I made it through today without having an anxiety attack.

————————————————————

_“You gave away your necklace?”_ Mia’s shrill, disapproving tones burst through the phone speaker, _“Reyna, I’ve known you to do a lot of dumb shit, but this is definitely top five.”_

Usually her coming down on me so hard would have pissed me off, but on this subject matter, I agreed with her.

“I really need to stop getting so blackout drunk,” I sighed sadly, resigning to the sun momentarily blinding me on my way out of the literature hall yet again.

_“It’s stupid when you’re home, around friends, but in a foreign country? In your second week? At a club? Reyna.”_

“The cute, blonde one invited me.”

_“And you gave her your necklace for gettin’ you drunk? What do you think is Drunk Reyna’s game here? When is the last time you let anyone wear your necklace?”_

That was certainly a chin-scratcher, “I can only think of two occasions: when Sara went in to get her prosthetics fitted, and at the Rose Bowl this season. Both were only meant as good luck, though. That’s the part that’s got me stumped.”

_“So is that it, then?”_ Mia interrogated, clearly bewildered at my train of thought, _“You completely sure it wasn’t anythin’ else it could’ve been?”_

I scowled at the horizon, “Like what?”

_“What do you—”_ she interrupted herself, _“I’m gonna have to call you back, boss. Someone stepped on a nail. Talk to you.”_

I huffed in disappointment as I ventured into the courtyard, “Yeah, alright. Talk to you.”

The line went quiet, queuing me to pocket my device and shimmy my bag higher up onto my back. Anything else?

No, couldn’t be. Not her.

With the blonde beauty in my head, I scanned the courtyard for any sign of her, catching nothing. There wasn’t a single member of HTT out here today, nor those guard girls from this morning, but there was Oreki. I had almost forgotten he went to Yamada too, I felt like I hadn’t seen him since last Sunday. May as well catch up.

I didn’t recognise the guy he was sitting with, but his amber eyes and short, messy hair seemed oddly familiar. His vibe felt very similar to the others in Oreki’s Scooby Gang at Endless Eight, leading me to believe that they might have been a quartet of pals in their high school days. It just so happened that I had a mystery today, too. Maybe this is fate.

Looking back on all of the clues, did I even want to know? I knew in my heart of hearts that the worst conclusion couldn’t be the truth, but what if it was?

Only one way to find out. I nodded to myself and set off towards the two at their table, hoping I wouldn’t be interrupting the atmosphere at all. As I neared, I began to pick out their conversation amongst the soundscape of students.

“So you’re thinking of tying the knot with Chitanda. How are you gonna do it?”

“I honestly don’t even know where to begin. I don’t really want to do anything super extravagant, and I don’t think she’d want that either.”

“Houtarou, please tell me you’re not gonna be lazy about your relationship proposal, too? I thought she pulled you out of that.”

“She didn’t ‘pull me out’ of anything. I chose to be more active about my life and goals. She may have played a part in that, but that’s irrelevant.”

Purely business intentions, I’m sure.

Before the other boy could mount his counter, his wandering gaze caught my approach, inspiring him to look to Oreki for answers. Oreki then rotated around, finding me.

“Mind if I join you two?” I opened, slowing my pace respectfully.

“Go ahead,” Oreki’s reply felt equal parts welcoming and nonchalant, as expected.

“Oh!” the other boy started, pushing himself up from the table excitedly, “You're the American my sister keeps talking about, huh?”

“I _am_ the American, but I don’t know if I’d know your sister.”

“I’d slip in a joke about family resemblance, but her hair is blue now, and mine isn’t.”

“Ah, I see it now,” I politely smiled, recognising Ritsu’s eyes in his after the prompting.

He smirked in acknowledgement, “Fukube Satoshi, nice to meet you.”

“Reyna Marten, call me Reyna. Nice to meet you as well,” I bowed as I descended into the remaining seat, “Not Tainaka Satoshi?”

“It’s a long story.”

I grunted knowingly, having some understanding of what it’s like to have a different name as your family members. Since been rectified, of course, but it was a weird situation to explain, all the same. 

“Reyna-san,” Oreki jumped in, resting his chin in his hand, “You’ve got something on your mind?”

“It’s that easy to tell, huh? Yeah, I’ve got a bit of a mystery, but it shouldn’t really get out, just in case,” I divulged, subconsciously checking over my shoulders.

Fukube’s face lit up, “You’ve come to the right people, your secret is safe with us.”

I sent Oreki a glance, wordlessly asking for secondary confirmation, to which he obliged, “Satoshi was part of the Literature Club with me, Chitanda, and Mayaka. He can help.”

“Good. More minds make less work,” I recited, preparing my statement to reveal as little as possible while still providing ample clues, “I went out drinking with a friend the other night, and when I woke up, I found out that I had drunkenly handed off my corps necklace to her, after she sent me an uncharacteristic picture of her wearing it. I’ve only ever given people that necklace on two other occasions, and both were temporary, for good luck, but this doesn’t feel like either of the above.”

I could almost see the algorithms flying around their heads as they stroked their chins and processed the information. A part of me felt like stopping them, like I didn’t really want to know, but that part of me wasn’t loud enough to burst through.

“Does she have anything coming up that requires good luck?” Fukube pried.

“We both do, which makes it different from the previous instances.”

Oreki set his arms down on the table, “Isn’t it customary in some circles to exchange items of importance after an agreement or confession? Do you have anything important of hers? Honestly grasping at straws here, but any additional evidence will help.”

My mind went blank for the briefest moment before I remembered I had a brain and reached for my keychain. Unlocking my carabiner, I pulled it from my belt loop and set it on the table.

“I found that orange keychain charm where I usually leave my necklace, maybe that’s it? I have no clue what it stands for, though.”

“Ke, ke, oh!” Fukube raised a finger triumphantly, “Keion-bu! It’s the first character. It’s a charm from her time in the Light Music Club, if my assumption that this is one of Ritsu’s friends is correct. That would definitely be an important item.”

Oreki nodded, “So you two have important items from each other, but you still have no clue why you would have exchanged them, or whether it was a temporary or permanent exchange. Do you have any other clues?”

I shifted apprehensively, with both of them noticing and leaning in. I was almost uncomfortable with how accustomed they were with interrogation, but I knew if I wanted to know if or when I was getting my necklace back, I had to play along.

“The uncharacteristic picture she sent me was pretty suggestive, and then she asked me if I remembered,” I uncomfortably elaborated, “I said that I didn’t, and she hasn’t texted me or been around since. It definitely feels like she’s avoiding me.”

“Are you comfortable telling us who it is? I admittedly don’t know much about Ritsu’s friends, but what I do know could help us figure out her intentions by avoiding you,” Fukube receded back into his chair, providing me more space to breathe after heeding my body language.

I sighed in resignation, “Kotobuki Tsumugi.”

He then let Oreki in on Mugi’s general personality, to which they both nodded.

“Whatever it was that you forgot, it was important. She’s probably acting out of self-preservation. I’d bank on a confession,” Oreki solemnly shared, crossing his arms.

“Well,” I smiled in deflection of my true feelings, “I hope that’s all it was. Thanks for your help, guys, I appreciate it. Nice meeting you, Fukube-san.”

“You too,” he reciprocated as I lifted from the table to begin wandering aimlessly.

Oreki called out to me as I set off, “Reyna-san. Good luck.”

As ambiguous as ever. I sent back a weak grin, continuing towards nowhere in particular. I looked down towards the keychain in my palm, then equipped it back onto my belt loop.

A confession, huh? I wonder how that went.

————————————————————

I scrolled through my various open tabs, finding my map of campus once more. It had been a few days since I had to use it, but I honestly hadn’t the slightest clue where the baseball field was. Searching for the signature diamond shape, I located it on the west side of campus, pretty far flung from the lecture halls. That’s probably why I hadn’t been there yet. Oh well, maybe a journey to the fringes of campus would help take my mind off of what the rest of the day entailed.

Before allowing myself the mental freedom, I pondered it all once again as I set off from the music building towards the meeting point presented by Moon earlier. How would a confession to or from Mugi complicate the peace talk? I hadn’t the faintest notion of how she’d processed the fact that I forgot, and how that would interfere with our dynamic. Would we even be able to cooperate to get everyone to agree to forgiving and forgetting? This was so easy to not fuck up, but I had found a way. I always do.

I hoped that Sano would go easy on me if she decided to interfere yet again. This new wrinkle would probably make the initial stage a lot harder, but I was tempted to believe that if I could push through, I’d eventually be able to triumph. Getting Houkago Tea Time back together has been my singular goal since Tuesday last week, and I couldn’t afford to just let it melt away. I had to do this. I had to get this right. Just this once.

I snapped out of my trance at the sound of a metal bat cracking against a baseball, letting me know that in my contemplation, I’d made significant headway towards the baseball field. Now able to see the general shapes and colours of the spectators and surrounding students, I caught Moon Yuri and Funatsu Kaede sitting on the right bleachers. They had what looked to be a series of notebooks between them, with them both rapidly switching between staring at their phones and scribbling on the papers.

Now within noticing distance, I elected to create an audible scuff with my next step, seeing if they’d catch it. They did, with Yuri looking up first and waving me over. I obliged, slightly picking up my pace as I rounded the cage and found solace from the beating sun underneath the sheet roof of the bleachers.

“Iwasaki Ayano, Araragi Megumi, Baishou Sayori, Takahashi Hina, and us,” Funatsu listed off a series of names from her screen, “That’s six, not enough for a winterguard or a dance club, but it is enough for a baton club?”

“I told you, a baton club is our last resort. I’m gonna ask a few guard girls when I go to Finals in August, but I don’t really know where else to ask,” Moon sighed, biting her eraser.

“What about that blonde girl in your dance class? Tokiwa-san?”

“Tokiwa Midori?” I inquired as I found a seat one level down from them, “She’s one of my roommates.”

“Oh, really?” Moon’s interest piqued at my addition.

Funatsu leaned in towards me, “What would you say to putting subliminal messages in her head about joining our club? All you’d need to do is crouch by her bed while she’s asleep and whisper ‘I want to twirl’ into her ear.”

“That’s enough of that, Kaede. She already turned me down.”

“Yeah, but that was at the beginning of the semester,” Funatsu pouted, dramatically throwing her chin into her hands, “We were all stressed about classes kicking off. Maybe she’s softened up.”

“Best to not press the issue if we don’t have to.”

“Hmph, alright. Oh, what about that girl you helped with that love song? Wasn’t she in a baton club in high school?”

Moon tilted her head, “Tamako? She’s not a student at Yamada. Wouldn’t work.”

I curiously chimed in once more, “Wait, that was you who helped her record that song?”

“It was,” Moon smiled proudly, “I was on bass guitar, these two other girls, Nakagawa Natsuki and Yoshikawa Yuuko, were on guitar, Hina was on drums, and Sano Kairi, who I believe you already know, was on keyboard.”

“Ugh, Sano,” Funatsu gagged. I definitely needed to know more about that reaction.

“Kitashirakawa’s sister told me that last part. How’d you know I knew her?”

Moon pointed to my hat, “Outriders. Her and I bonded on the basis of drum corps, too. Plus, I had a vested interest in Outriders after 2016, when Sundance folded.”

At her mention of the late corps, I noticed her circular necklace charm. The same one as Olivia and Erin. I probably shouldn’t mention them.

“By the way,” she resumed, “Have you talked to Olivia and Erin recently? I know they both had a hard time adjusting to the new atmosphere in 2017, but they’re both still there, so they must have liked it.”

“Oh, Erin is doing great. I’m not sure about Olivia, we haven’t talked much recently,” I lied through my teeth, deciding to keep those reveals on the back-burner for when we knew each other better.

She scrunched her cheeks, “I wish Erin would text me more. I know this season has been busy for them, but still. He’s barely made any time for me.”

My eyes widened, finally connecting the dots, “Wait, you’re Erin’s Korean Blue Angels girlfriend? No way, you’re way too pretty for him.”

“Girlfriend?” she snickered, raising her wrist to her mouth, “If that’s what he’s been saying, I’ll smack him next time I see him. Also, thank you, but I think he’s plenty handsome for my tastes.”

“Different strokes for different folks,” I struggled to translate the old adage, turning to who had quickly become the third wheel, “So, Funatsu, what was with that reaction to Sano earlier? What’s your story?”

“Oh-hoh,” Funatsu adopted a bitter grin, “I marched Aimachi with her a few years ago. She made one of my best friends quit, so we got her kicked out. That was a whole nightmare.”

“What did she do?” I cocked my head, crossing my legs over one another in interest.

“All I’ll say for now is that it wasn’t pretty.”

“It can’t be much worse than what I’ve already known her to do.”

Funatsu shrugged, returning her attention to the papers and her phone. Moon and I continued idly conversing and playing ‘the name game,’ giving me ample chance to distract myself from the Berlin Wall that awaited me in band room two in just under an hour. No matter how much I tried, there was no pushing it out of my head. The possibilities continued to lurk in the shadows of my mind, malignant for now, but waiting to be realised.

Fuck anxiety. I wish I could just surgically remove it, cost be damned.

————————————————————

My alarm ripped me out of my blissful rest, with me struggling to find the source and switch it off. I pushed my hat off of my face to see Yuri and Funatsu lightly giggling at my scramble. I blew a playful raspberry at them as I lifted from my back to a sitting position and threaded my ponytail back through my hat. Now alive, awake, alert, and less than enthusiastic, I looked at the time, seeing it was fifteen-fifty-five, giving me five minutes to get over to band room two. I felt my heart race and stop at horrifying intervals, fighting it with measured breaths.

“Thanks for watching over me, you two,” I raised to my feet and bowed, dusting off my back and ass as I grabbed my backpack.

“No problem, Reyna-san,” Funatsu saluted with a grateful smile.

Yuri sent up a sideways peace sign, “Yeah, let’s hang out more. Message me sometime.”

“Got it.”

After saying my last farewells, I began my ominous march back towards campus proper. All things considered, when it came to meetings to make peace, I had a fifty-fifty success rate, so I shouldn’t be as anxious as I was. I highly doubted that this would end with either me getting laid or earning a new set of scars though, unlike the last two times. I wish it was that simple. I wish that this was as easy as me apologising for my own actions or explaining myself, but I had to mediate and guide others towards doing so now.

Maybe that was the part that was giving me such anxiety. I felt like I didn’t trust them to let bygones be bygones, but at that, I was most likely projecting. Oh well, the only way to know is to know. 

The sun hung lower and lower in the sky as I made my silent journey across the sprawling field, bathing the atmosphere in that therapeutic orange glow that I’d grown to love since my arrival. The Land of the Rising Sun ironically had some of the most satisfying sunsets I’d ever seen, and its beauty almost gave me cause to forget that life was consistently a nightmare. There I go again, letting myself be pessimistic without reason. Oh well, maybe I was doomed to cynicism. After all, if anyone deserved to be cynical, why not the adopted, anxious lesbian who had to cross the ocean to escape her own mistakes?

Now growing weary of rumination, I crossed underneath the overhang above the entry to the music building, uneasily testing the door before growing a pair pushing my way in. Standing outside the door was Mio, Mugi, and Kumiko, quietly conversing and supposedly biding their time. Kumiko was the first to notice me, wasting no time in scurrying over. At the queue, Mio and Mugi then looked to me, with Mio finding relief and Mugi sheepishly sending her eyes to her shoes. She was still wearing my necklace, along with a white daisy lapel pin on the strap of her signature pinafore skirt.

“Rey-san, good you’re here,” Kumiko slowed her pace and turned to walk alongside me, “Reina has been keeping an eye on the others inside. Kotobuki-san seemed to believe that her and Akiyama-san should wait until you arrive to go in.”

“Who’s all inside?” I inquired, allowing a new, down to business side of myself to take over in recognising my role in all of this.

“Reina, Sano-san, her friend, Hirasawa-san, her friend, and Tainaka-san. That’s everyone, right?”

“I’m guessing Yui’s friend is Nakano?” I looked to the tense duo for answers, receiving nods, “Who’s Sano’s friend?”

“She was a roadie with us a few months ago,” Mio responded, “She was there at Iwatobi, so Sano insisted that she was present.”

Not surprised that she’d pull something like that, but I’d doubt it would have much effect one way or the other. I swallowed the rock in my throat and mentally prepared myself to enter the room. I awaited confirmation from the others, then pushed the door open, my eyes meeting the gathering amongst the circle of chairs.

Reina sat between Yui and Ritsu, scrolling along on her phone, with Yui facing Nakano and Ritsu facing Sano and Shino. Shino?

Wait just a fucking moment.

I’m a fucking idiot. Kairin, not Kai-rin.

Almost as if they’d been waiting for the door, the congregation all shot up to meet eyes with us. I found Shino first, whose gaze of shock and guilt met my expectations. I followed her eyes to Mugi, or more succinctly, Mugi’s chest. My necklace. Her eyes then slouched with heartache, her weak smile doing little to cloak it. I then drifted to Sano, who had also found the object of Shino’s dejection, but instead reacted with greener eyes than I’d ever seen from her. 

I turned my attention to Ritsu, who’s twitching eyes couldn’t decide whether to be resentful or relieved at the sight of her former band mates. Reina’s gaze bounced between me and the necklace with bewilderment, probably internally asking herself many of the same questions I’d asked myself. Lastly, Yui looked on to the glares between the others of HTT in disappointment, while Nakano did so in sadness. No one had said a damn word and I already had enough information to know how difficult this could be.

“Alright,” I tore into the silence, “Everyone find a seat. You may have to sit next to someone you’re not happy with at the moment, but that will help your forgiveness flow.”

The silence settled back onto us immediately following my directions, with the only sound in the room being footsteps and the occasional scooting of a chair. Shino was left without a seat, prompting me to raise from mine and start towards the spare ones.

“It’s okay, Reyna,” she stopped me, “I’ll stand.”

“You two know each other?” Sano inquired, the venom from her earlier discovery leaking into her words.

Shino picked up my slack, “We met on Saturday. When I went to the shopping arcade?”

Mugi and Sano both snapped around to me with questions in their eyes, to which I ignored both. That didn’t matter. We had bigger fish to fry, first.

As I plopped back into my seat, I authoritatively crossed my left leg over my right, “As you all know, the main purpose of this gathering is to arrange a jazz club at Yamada University, composed of all but two, maybe three, of the people in this room. The secondary purpose is to, of course, discuss the reorganisation of Houkago Tea Time as a friend group, which will require the airing of some dirty laundry, some apologies and forgiveness, and likely some compromises. Please find it in your heart to remember how you felt when I came to you with this proposal, and not how you feel now. I sincerely believe that everyone here wants this to go well, but that can only happen if we all make sure it does.”

“I’ll start,” Mugi rose from her chair, bowing ninety degrees to Ritsu across the circle, “Ricchan, I sincerely apologise for how my actions hurt you and Mio. I swear on everything I hold dear to keep myself in check from this point onwards. No more excuses.”

Ritsu’s rolling eyes glimmered, then locked on to Mio as she rose and bowed, “Ritsu, I also sincerely apologise for how my choices tore us apart. Words can’t begin to give justice to how much regret I feel, and I want nothing more than for us to be friends again. I won’t ask any more of you until that much has been met.”

The blue drummers eyes threatened to well up at her former lover’s words, but she fought them as she stood, “I accept your apologies. I don’t know if I can forgive you two yet, but I’m willing to work on it. Now, I believe we all have something to say to Yui.”

Yui recoiled with surprise as the three of them smiled to each other and bowed lower than before, with Ritsu leading their plea, “Yui, please forgive us for abandoning you in your time of need. If we could go back, I’m sure we all would’ve gone with you. I’m so sorry that we didn’t, and I hope you can forgive us for not doing so. Anything we can do to help, let us know.”

“You guys,” Yui shamelessly teared up, struggling to keep the floodgates closed as her layer of cynicism was ripped down in one swift move. The four man band all found consolation in each other’s smiles, until Mio turned towards Sano, who had been picking her teeth with that same yellow hair clip from a few days ago.

“Sano-san,” Mio beckoned.

“Akiyama-san,” Sano mocked her.

“Don’t you have anything to say?”

“Like what?”

The bliss in Mio’s face began to slowly dissolve as her brows furrowed, “We’re all sharing apologies, don’t you think you should share some too?”

“Apologies?” Sano scoffed indignantly, bouncing her hateful eyes between my necklace around Mugi’s neck and Mio’s increasingly irritated face, “I didn’t cheat on your girlfriend or abandon your best friend, that’s all you. My only mistake was being at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

I finally connected the dots on why Ritsu and Mio broke up after seeing Mugi and Mio’s dramatically different reactions to Sano’s words. Christ.

“Kairi,” Ritsu weakly called over in dismay.

“Don’t you dare act like you didn’t play a large part in us breaking up,” Mio’s happiness had been overtaken by ire, “If you hadn’t seduced Mugi, she would’ve never come to me that night. If you hadn’t driven a wedge between Ritsu and I, this all could have been avoided.”

Ritsu rose to Sano’s defense, “Mio, you can’t blame that on her. I don’t recall her driving a wedge between anybody, just you never giving her a break.”

“Why are you defending her? We’ve known each other most of our lives. We dated for two years.”

“Maybe because you’re not acting like the girl I knew most of my life or the girl I fell in love with. What is so far up your ass about Kairi?”

“Can you _stop_ calling her Kairi?”

I looked to Kumiko and Reina, who had both also realised how quickly this was devolving into a shouting match. Reina wordlessly screamed at me to do something, so I began to stand up, with Sano locking eyes with my motion and scowling.

“Oh, don’t you even fucking _start_ , Reyna. You can’t even _begin_ to say anything about cheating,” she shot up to her feet, with her rage permeating every inch of her stance.

No. Not now. Please not now.

Her outburst shocked everyone into silence, with all eyes drifting to me.

“Yeah, everyone,” she cackled, “Your hero, Reyna Marten, cheated on her on-and-off girlfriend of three years not once, but _twice_ . She seduced two different people into following her into her infidelity, and never confessed to it, only asking for forgiveness once she was found out. Her ex-girlfriend, Olivia, who I’m sure a few of you have heard some _heavily_ biased accounts of, resorted to self-harm because of her. Do you really want her to be your champion of peace, the one trying to convince you all to forgive and forget? It’s all out of self-interest, ‘cause if Mio and Mugi can get away with it now, who’s to say she can’t when she gets home?”

I covered my rage and horror in as best a poker face I could muster, locking my glare onto Sano until Mugi piped up, “Reyna-rin, is that all true?”

“Reyna-rin,” Sano jealously huffed.

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I came to Jesus, “It is, but it's not out of self-interest, and I regret it every single day. I’m trying to change, to be better, and that’s why I want to help you four, because you can change, too. I’m done playing with people’s hearts, Mugi-chan.”

“You are?” her voice quivered, grasping my necklace and holding it to her heart, “Then what happened Saturday night?”

“I…” I wanted to speculate out loud in an attempt to cover my ass, but I knew I had to hold myself to my own words now, “I’m sorry, Mugi-chan, I don’t remember.”

Her tears began streaming, making me feel worse than scum. I’d seen her cry before, but this wasn’t like those times. I had betrayed her. Against all of my wishes and promises, I hurt her, too.

“What did she do, Mugi-chan,” Yui contributed, glaring at me, assuming her conclusions from Friday were right after all. I probably deserved that.

Mugi gasped through her tears, “We made love, and she told me she loved me… then she put her necklace around me and asked me to be her girlfriend. Then… she forgot all about it the next morning.”

The mixed aura of hostility and shock redirected itself into a focused beam that ripped straight through me. I fell to my chair, no longer feeling worthy to look anyone in the eye. I unclipped my keys, removed Mugi’s keychain, and held it in my open hand. Yui then lifted from her seat and marched directly across towards Mugi, removing my necklace. She proceeded over towards me, exchanging it for the charm, then returning to Mugi. Taking her into an embrace, she led her out of the circle.

“Come on, Azusa. This was a waste of time.”

“Yui…” the twin-tailed girl began to protest, but resigned, following Yui and Mugi out through the main door. Mio followed tentatively behind, sending a final array of dagger glances to me, Ritsu, and Sano.

Ritsu wordlessly stood, waiting a few seconds before shuffling out as well. Sano’s wrath dissolved as she trailed behind Ritsu. Kumiko and Reina looked at each other in disbelief, then found their way out of the room as well, leaving only myself and Shino.

I gaped at the mass of metal charms in my hand, wondering what the hell it was all for. My mind was blank. This was the worst-case scenario, and it was all my fault.

“Reyna,” Shino beckoned, traipsing past the chairs and over to me, “Let me walk you home.”

Was this what I needed? What I deserved? Was this all that was left? I felt so empty. Even after all of my fuck-ups back home, I’d never felt so cast aside, even when I deserved to be.

I lifted my face, finding Shino’s pitying eyes peering down into me.

“I suppose you can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharo / The Major here,
> 
> Although my work load hasn’t lessened, (actually gotten more since last week) I’ve decided to try to move ahead with a bi-weekly release schedule. Unfortunately, the possibility of that switching to a hiatus will remain, probably until I’ve completed Yamada, but life has to come first.
> 
> Thank you again to all of you who’ve been reading, with special thanks to Tekketsu and Red7 for helping me the whole way, and my editor, StuckSpider, who makes sure it all makes sense and doesn’t suck.
> 
> The current plan includes thirty chapters total, making this the new halfway point. Stay tuned for fifteen more to see what happens!
> 
> As well, let me know in the comments if you want these end-of-chapter updates to continue or stop until another schedule update. See you on the 20th / 21st!


	16. Winter Bird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Winter Bird by SURAN  
> Pale Yellow by Woodkid
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

_————————————————————_

_Winter Bird — Fujibayashi Shino_

_————————————————————_

“Shit!”

Kairi’s sudden expletive inches from my ears ripped me out of my peaceful slumber, reminding me where I was and how I had gotten there. As her left arm began to slip out from under me, I snatched it and pressed it into my chest, not wanting this moment to end just yet.

“Shino,” she pleaded against her own desires, “Please let go, it’s ten. My plane takes off in three hours.”

I swiftly flipped around to face her and pulled her in, inadvertently shoving my face into her bare bosom, “No leave.”

She sighed, pulling my face to hers and pressing her lips against mine. As we kissed, she snuck her hand around to my left side and tickled, prompting me to recoil and giggle, giving her an opportunity to slip out of my arms and out of the bed. I groaned sadly, reaching for her but not feeling nearly conscious enough to actively pursue her. Once I realised I had the bed to myself, I deliberately ruined her comforters by rolling myself into a nice sushi roll.

“Goodnight,” I whimpered, shutting my eyes once more and nuzzling the pillow.

“That wasn’t the deal,” she commanded, pulling on the comforter, “I told you, you could stay the night if you helped me finish packing in the morning.”

I moaned in displeasure, “But you kept me up basically all night. I’m tired, Kairin.”

“I kept you up? _You_ kept _me_ up. I was ready to call it a night after round one, but you insisted on two more.”

“Because you’re leaving. It’s my last chance for three months. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” she brushed my bangs away and kissed my forehead, “But I’ve really got to get going.”

“Noooooooo,” I whined, throwing my arms out of my sushi roll and weakly waving them at her.

“Five…”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Four…”

“I’m calling your bluff.”

She raised her eyebrows at me and snickered, “Three…”

“Kairin, don’t,” I stuck my bottom lip out at her.

“Two…”

“I will actually fight you.”

“One!” she exclaimed as she lifted her side of the mattress, sending me rolling off my side and onto the floor. Thankfully, my head landed on her duffel bag, providing me with an acceptable pillow to continue my quest for rest.

“You fool,” I mocked her, “You’ve given me the perfect placement to keep you from leaving.”

Probably done with my shit by now, she marched over to me and lifted me to my feet, leaning me against the wall with relative ease. 

“That’s just rude,” I remarked, struggling to free myself from the comforter and instantly regretting the chill that crashed into my exposed torso. Tossing the bedding back onto the mattress, I grabbed the first shirt I could find and threw it over myself, quickly realising that it was Kairi’s and not mine.

I flapped the baggy shirt, “Why is your shirt so big?”

After throwing the duffel into the bed, she turned to me and motioned towards her breasts, which outclassed my own several times over, “It’s not easy fitting these into a small shirt.”

As I recovered her suitcase from the corner of the room, she searched the floor for a shirt for herself. Deciding to make it a fair exchange, she pulled on my shirt from the preceding night, demonstrating firsthand how comedically tight a shirt meant for an A cup would be on a DD cup. She then proceeded to unzip her bag and double-check it’s contents.

“Will you be okay?” I questioned, repeating her motions with the suitcase, “I mean, how much English can you speak, anyways?”

“A little less than I can understand, but that’s fine,” she relayed with a unsure twitch, “Before I left Aimachi, I made sure to ask a few people that had marched drum corps in America for tips, and every one of them said that as long as I can understand the instructions, I don’t really need to speak English that much, or that well.”

“I hope for your sake that they were right. Your English grades in high school were abysmal.”

“Whatever. Are all of my toiletries in there?”

I checked the side pockets one last time, “All present and accounted for.”

“Good,” she smiled, rezipping her bag, “I’m gonna go ahead and shower, then.”

I nodded, picking up the suitcase, “I showered last night, so I’ll make us some quick breakfast and set your bags out.”

“You’re a goddess,” Kairi praised as she slipped into the bathroom and closed the door. Once I was alone, I let down my guard and allowed my false positivity to fade.

I couldn’t believe she was leaving. We had finally gotten together a month ago, after however many years of waiting for the right chance to make a move. I hated it, but she was so excited to go to America and finally march in the Outriders, so I stayed positive for her. It was the least I could do after all she’s been through these past two years.

Didn’t make it any easier on me, though.

_————————————————————_

I locked my phone and shoved all ancillary thoughts from my head, setting said head on Kairi’s shoulder. Now reasonably comfortable, I closed my eyes and allowed the rhythmic rocking of the train to act as a crib, threatening to pull me back into sleep. Noticing me drifting off, she began rapidly tapping my forehead in her ritual of ‘Chinese torture,’ or so she called it. It managed to get a giggle out of me before I playfully slapped her hand away and reopened my eyes.

My gaze found its way up to her, trying to find her eyes through the glare of her glasses, “Kairin, are you gonna be okay? Three months is a long time to be somewhere you don’t know anyone.”

She heavily sighed, folding her hands in her lap and twiddling her thumbs, “It's nothing I haven’t done before. It’ll be like a mixture of when I went to Nagoya to do Aimachi and when I moved to Usagiyama. The only difference will be the additional language barrier. I think.”

“ _That’s_ reassuring,” I lightly scoffed.

“If you’re asking what I _think_ you’re asking about, then yeah, I’ll be okay Shino.”

I scrunched my mouth to one side, “We never talked about it, Kairin.”

“I don’t want to,” she quickly remarked, sending her gaze to the right.

“You had an—“

“I said I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t mention it again.”

After that cold response, I lifted from her shoulder, crossing both sets of limbs in disappointment. I didn’t like being locked out, especially by her. She had talked to me about everything before she got kicked out and moved away, but now…

“Look, Shino,” she returned, setting a hand on my thigh, “I need to tell you something before I go, so don’t get upset with me just yet.”

“What is it?” I questioned as I brought my chin down to watch her from an angle.

She breathed in, then laughed to herself, “Not yet. Maybe after the train. Let’s talk about something else until then.”

“How about Usagiyama? It seems nice enough, but how have you been doing? It’s been quiet in Hikarizaka since you left.”

“It _is_ nice,” she softly smirked, “But freelancing has been getting old. I mean, it pays really well, but… I was thinking of applying for classes at Yamada when they finish building it to help make connections, or just have something else to do other than sit in the apartment or do gigs. I dunno, I like playing guitar and keyboard, and I like laying around doing nothing, but too much of anything gets exhausting after a while.”

“Sounds like I should visit more often then,” I relaxed my arms back down to my sides and rotated towards her, “Maybe next time I could bring Hana-chan or Ushio-chan.”

“Hold on,” Kairi interrupted my train of thought, “How come you still call me Kairin but you stopped calling Hanako and Ushio Konoha and Shiou?”

My face flushed at the realisation, “Don’t make me spell it out…”

She furrowed her brow at me before leaning into the pole to her right, “Spell what out, Shinon?”

I gasped, “You called me Shinon.”

It was her turn to blush, as she indignantly waved her words out of the air and muttered to herself. I forgot how tsun she could get sometimes, and the fact that she was finally being that way with me made her impending departure sting that much more. I just really didn’t want her to go, but I knew she had to, for her sake and mine.

“What would you study at Yamada?” I brought the topic back around to distract myself.

She shrugged, “I don’t know, but it couldn’t hurt, right? I was good at school, so maybe I could do well at college, too. I could go into music. With how much experience I will have when I get back, it wouldn’t be hard.”

I beamed at her, “Go for it, I bet you’ll do great.”

“What about you, Shino? You haven’t been up to much since we graduated.”

“Not true. I’ve been having a great time working with Uncle Tomoya and helping Mom and Dad out with paying for the new house. You know how teacher’s salaries are.”

“I thought you hated being an electrician,” she cocked her head at me.

“I never hated it,” I replied, then thought my way around that bold-faced lie, “I just hated that you, Ushio-chan, and Hanako-chan all had really high aspirations and lofty goals while all I had was wires and currents. I always felt so mundane in comparison.”

“Maybe you need to get out of Hikarizaka, Shino.”

I rubbed my chin at the thought, “Maybe.”

Just as an idea for how to do so crossed my mind, the train started slowing to a crawl as the station next to the airport came into clear view. We both adjusted to sit up straight, with me clutching her duffel as if not letting her have it would prevent the inevitable. I glanced at Kairi, who looked increasingly more uneasy as we approached our destination. I did my best to repel every urge I had to reach out and stop her, knowing in my heart of hearts that this could be the event that finally pulls her out of this years-long funk she’s been in.

“Kairin,” I probed, “Are you alright?”

She cleared her throat and rose to her feet, grasping the pole next to her, “Yeah. I’m ready.”

I nodded with anticipation, then followed her lead as the exit slid open and we stepped off onto the station. As we trekked to the entrance of the airport, I felt myself slowly detaching from her, her stride seemingly stretching further and further away. She was only a meter or two from me, but for whatever reason, I had never felt further from her. The distance grew unbearable as my gaze found her back, and I froze in place, the trembling across my body fighting my determination to stay composed. She noticed immediately, pivoting around to face me.

“Shino…” she mumbled, her emerald eyes returning to the anxious state I’d observed earlier, now tinged with melancholy.

“I don’t want to stop you,” I pleaded with myself, tightly gripping her duffel bag, “But I can’t do this. I love you, Kairin.”

“Please don’t say that.”

The words tore right through me as my eyes threatened to overflow, “Why? I thought…”

Her pained expression told me everything I needed to know about what she intended to say next, what she wanted to tell me. I knew that this was a possibility, and she had warned me about it, but I had internalised the denial so strongly that it still shocked me stiff.

“I’ve hurt so many people, Shinon,” she started, closing off her posture by grabbing her left arm, “I hurt Mom, I hurt Hanako, I hurt Ushio, and so many more, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to, because if I don’t hurt you now, I will down the line. I hate that I have to do this to you, but I want to save you from more pain later on. We have to break up while I’m away. I have no clue what’s in store for me once I step off that plane in Dallas, or who I could become as the summer goes on. So, I’m sorry, but…”

“I know.”

Her eyes widened as they drifted back up to me, masking my agony with an ear-to-ear grin that probably heavily contrasted by my now streaming tears. I refused to let myself be the roadblock that stops her from becoming who fate wants her to be, good or bad. She needed to go on this journey, alone, and we both knew what she did when she was alone, and how that would affect our relationship. Thinking it through like that, I was almost okay with the decision.

I crossed the gap between us, setting the duffel at her feet and taking her face into my hands and stealing one last kiss. As I pulled away, her pain had grown even more apparent, letting me know that she was just as upset with how it had to be as I was. In a strange way, I felt comforted by that.

“Stay in touch, okay?” I pressed, retreating a few steps back.

She sniffed as she bent down to pick up the duffel, raising back up and turning halfway towards the entrance, “If I’m honest, I’m kinda scared.”

My brow slightly furrowed as I struggled to hold myself in place. After that final addition, she passed through the glass doors and around the corner, out of sight. Not wanting to cause a scene, I quickly trotted back beyond the station to the first unoccupied area I could find and collapsed, letting the tears flow freely and my whimpers of distress out. I don’t know how long I’d loved her, or how long I’d been waiting to say it, but I’d never imagined she’d feel the same way but refuse to say it. I admittedly knew next to nothing about what she was heading into and how it would change her, but I hope her heart stayed golden, even if a few more layers of cynicism formed around it.

Despite all of her mistakes and terrible decisions, I loved her, and I believed in her.

_————————————————————_

_Nunmuri juruk,_

_Neol bureul ttae juruk._

_Jureureuk juruk,_

_Gyeoulsae unda._

_Winter Bird_ filled my ears as the waning summer sights of Toyonaka screamed by through the glass of Ushio’s backseat window. The shy sun slinked down behind the landscape of buildings, setting the scene for a reunion three months in the making. Thinking back to how I had felt when she departed, I expected myself to be either overjoyed or anxiety-ridden, but instead I felt depressed. I knew that she had kept busy while she was away, but her lack of contact through the summer had killed any anticipation I had for her return. Now, I was just ready to know what happened.

Hanako’s intermittent glances from shotgun queued me to pause my music and pull my headphones down to sit around my neck. Her and Ushio had definitely noticed how off I had been since we left Hikarizaka, but they both respected my privacy enough to not mention it. With the cause of this trip now just a short drive away, I knew that it would have to come up.

“Shino-chan,” she muttered back, “How are you feeling?”

I shifted in my seat, crossing my legs over the vacant seat next to me, “Yeah. I apologise if I’ve been weird. She just kinda…”

Ushio threw her two cents in, “Don’t take it personally, Shino-chan. You know how Kairi-chan likes to guard her heart. She probably just felt it would be better for both of you to cut ties.”

“You have too much faith in her,” Hanako spun back to Ushio, “Kairin is just insensitive.”

“I don’t think it’s that either. I don’t know what it is, and that’s the part that scares me. I used to always be able to figure out what’s going on in her head, but I can’t do that over the phone or social media,” I elaborated.

“I suppose there’s no way to know until we know. The airport is just after that exit.”

Great. Time was running out to get my head on straight, but I had no clue how to go about doing so. All I could gather from her posts and her once-a-month phone calls is what she’d noticed from the other members of the corps, nothing about how she was doing personally. It was honestly frustrating, not having her pinned down. I hoped it wouldn’t be too difficult once we reunited, but it was like Hanako said. There was no way to know until we knew.

“How long is a flight from America to Japan, anyways?” Hanako wondered out loud, training her eyes on a plane shooting down the runway.

“Depends on where she departed from,” Ushio imparted as she turned us down the exit ramp, “Shino-chan, where did you say the Finals were again?”

“Indianapolis,” I relayed, sitting back up and straightening myself out, “From there to Osaka is around nineteen hours, I think. We’re probably gonna want to get some food after we pick her up.”

Hanako chuckled to herself, “I doubt she’d want anything American. I’ll look up what’s close.”

Every little word sent me back into my seemingly eternal line of questions. How had life in America affected Kairi, or the people she marched alongside, or the crowds of audiences cheering in English as opposed to Japanese. I was so anxious that all of her experiences had changed her from the person I loved into someone else. Part of me just kept wishing I could go back and stop her. I didn’t want to know. I shouldn’t have come here to pick her up.

“Shino-chan,” Hanako dispersed my dark cloud, “Come on. Don’t stress yourself out. Put your headphones back on if you need to.”

I smiled at her concern for my well-being, “No, I’ll be okay. I appreciate it, though.”

“It’s the least I can do.”

That comment brought me back around to pondering why Hanako even wanted to come on this drive. Her and Kairi never really got along too well after what happened between them in high school, despite them both making efforts to dispel the awkwardness. Were we in a similar boat, believing that this experience could’ve helped her turn over a new leaf? Probably. No matter how hard I tried, I could never really pin Hanako down like I could everyone else, but that kept our friendship interesting in its own way. As much as I liked having all the answers, mysteries now and again kept boredom at bay.

This particular mystery was killing me, though. As we progressed into the parking garage next to the airport, my racing mind finally went blank. I simply closed my eyes, desperately wishing that I could just fall asleep now and wake back up in Hikarizaka, five hundred kilometres from this mess. Shaken out of my trance by the jolt of Ushio finding a parking spot, I lifted my head and readied to unbuckle and press on.

“Who wants to hold the sign?” Hanako inquired, stepping out and around towards the trunk.

“It’s the most on-brand for Ushio-chan,” I remarked as I surveyed the thrown-together cardboard welcome we’d made for Kairi. I wasn’t even sure if the horn clip art we glued to it was the right one, or if it even existed. The thing looked like a trumpet with a damn dinner plate welded to the front. How would anyone even see where they were going?

Ushio looked upon the sign, witnessing the shimmering colours and overly kawaii vibe, “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s not like that. You’re the only one of the three of us that she hasn’t fucked with in one way or another.”

As Hanako shrunk after my poor-taste jab, I heavily sighed and equipped the sign, flicking around towards the airport and setting off. Having seen my father off on a few business trips in the past, I was the only one out of our trio that could remotely navigate an airport. Leading on, I forced the dread out of my mind by focusing on how itchy the front of our poster felt against my forearm. Anything to keep the anxiety at bay, fuck’s sake.

Moving through the lower entrance, we journeyed past the baggage claim, taking note of which carousel we’d need to return to, and found a spot at the foot of an escalator with a decently sized group of other attendees. Full families, grandparents, spouses, every one of them looked thrilled to reunite with the travellers. I then turned towards Ushio and Hanako, who both seemed uncomfortable at best, and downright frightened at worst. As much as I loved Kairi, that was her legacy.

We waited for what seemed to be an eternity before a completely different person than who’d left in May rode down those automatic steps. When she left, she preferred dressing light, wearing her hair down, accessorising with her circular glasses, despising shorts, and staying relatively quiet, in line with her standoffish demeanour. The Sano Kairi that descended towards us was wrapped in an oversized letterman, contacts in, a high ponytail sprouting from a sun-bleached visor, her legs on full display in athletic shorts that went all the way up, and was almost shouting near-fluent English into her battered phone.

Noticing us, she energetically waved and beamed ear-to-ear, absolutely shredding our collective apprehension and replacing it with a unified awe. We had all expected something to be off, but this went above and beyond all of our expectations. She was virtually a different person, bringing her evolution since changing her surname to a close. She was the furthest from Sakagami Kairi she had ever been.

“Oh my god, you guys,” Kairi exclaimed, skipping off of the escalator and haphazardly lodging her phone between her waistband and herself, “That flight fucking sucked. I couldn’t get more than two hours of sleep at a time before something woke me up. I hope your drive down was better.”

Ushio ate up this new Kairi, glomping onto her, “It was alright, but who cares. You have to tell us about America.”

“It’s really hot, everywhere. I couldn’t drink enough water. Anyway, do you guys mind if we grab a bite before we set off? The food on the plane was box two at best.”

“Box two?” Hanako questioned, still struggling to wipe the dumbfounded expression from her face.

Kairi chuckled to herself, “Sorry, I picked up a lot of slang. But yeah, I’m starving, let’s get rolling.”

The three of them began moving away as I felt myself frozen in place once again, utterly unable to process what in the hell just happened. Three months, without so much as a phone call, and she thought it was perfectly acceptable to just blast back into our lives, barely recognisable. I felt such injustice, so unreasonably furious, I couldn’t do anything aside from just stand there, staring at the steps of the escalator endlessly escaping into the floor.

“Shino,” Kairi called back to me, “You coming?”

I felt my eye twitch at the prompt, then pulled in and pushed out a deep breath, “So that’s just it then?”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind.”

I spun around, wearing my best poker face as the four of us continued on, pretending like the world hadn’t just been overturned. I couldn’t pin any of them down. It was as if my ability to read people had just evaporated. I felt like Kairi had just broken it, just like she broke my heart over the past three months, and broke it again just now upon returning. I felt so intimidated by this new development, even though I subconsciously knew that I would eventually get comfortable with this stranger, and everything would go back to at least nominal.

Three months ago, I could’ve explained Sano Kairi with confidence. Now, I didn’t even know where to begin. Maybe I was being overdramatic. Fuck, I hope that’s all it was.

_————————————————————_

_Pale Yellow — Fujibayashi Shino_

_————————————————————_

The solemn atmosphere hadn’t budged an inch, even halfway across town and nearly to Reyna’s apartment. I thought that Kairi’s outburst back there took me by surprise, but Reyna’s shock had turned more and more sour with each passing minute. I could barely recognise her, with her previously gleaming eyes now downtrodden and locked on the ground. She seemed as if she couldn’t care less if she walked directly into traffic, with that notion motivating me to keep at least a metre lead ahead of her. Who would I be if I let her do something like that after offering to walk her home?

As we came up on a short bridge, Reyna turned off from the road, finding an iffy path down to the shore of the river. Once she arrived at the beginning of the stepping stone path across, she plopped down and removed her vaporiser from her pocket, taking an extended drag, then releasing. I shrugged, retreading her steps and adopting a seat within a respectable distance from her. We sat in stark silence for a time as she scrolled aimlessly on her device, likely trying to find something to distract her from the nightmare that had just been realised.

After a time, she snickered, “Can’t believe that went so poorly.”

“I’m sorry, Reyna,” I replied, uncertain of how to respond to her at the moment.

Her deadened stare found a crack in one of the stones to train on as she continued, “I don’t even know why I wanted it to go well, why I cared. I barely know Houkago Tea Time, or Reina and Kumiko. I could’ve never guessed that the one person in there that I was relatively familiar with would be the one to shove a knife in my back like that.”

“I couldn’t tell you why Kairin would do something like that. She gets less and less predictable as time goes on.”

“I thought I’d finally figured her out this morning,” Reyna lamented, folding into an upward foetal position, “But then she pulls that out of her ass. How do you plan for that?”

As she spoke, I recalled a time when I felt similarly dumbfounded, “I don’t think she’s the type of person anyone can really plan for. For the past year since she came back from the Outriders, I haven’t been able to see her coming or break through to her at all. She’s chaotic.”

“Is that why you tried to hide it from me that you knew her?”

I recoiled, forgetting that my lies would probably come up at some point, “Yeah. I knew you two probably knew each other the moment I laid my eyes on your tattoos, but she’s a very divisive person. I didn’t want her to be who you associated me with from the get-go. I guess it was mainly a self-preservation instinct.”

Reyna wearily smirked, “That’s fair enough. I’m just at a loss, Shino. I’ve needed someone to call me on my bullshit like that for a very long time, but I never expected it to go down like that, or end up like this. I just… feel empty. I know who I am, but I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t know who I want to be, either, and that’s terrifying. The one thing I’ve always had control of is my self-image, but in one fell swoop, now it’s gone. I’m lost.”

“Maybe that’s not so bad,” I attempted to comfort her, scooting slightly closer, “A change of pace can be refreshing every now and then. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate and figure out what you want out of life and how to get it.”

“I _have_ been re-evaluating. I had a step-by-step process all figured out, but now it’s been forced on me before I could take the first step. Now I don’t know where to go or who to blame. I want to blame Sano, but that feels unfair. I know I brought this on myself, but, fuck. I just…”

She looked up into the sky, fighting her welling tears. Even now, at the weakest I'd seen her, she tried to stay strong. Not for me, clearly, but for herself. She’d cultivated a persona that only passively cared about these things, but it was clear to me how torn up she’d become after being so firmly rejected. The strangest part to me was that I was completely fine with all of it. Perhaps all of Kairi’s exploits over the years had desensitised me to these types of things, but I found myself not even batting an eye at the alleged misdeeds of Reyna Marten. I just found myself wanting to be there for her. If not me, who would?

“I can’t do this,” she muttered, losing what little composure she had left and obsessively rubbing her temples, “I can’t deal with any of this. I know I fucked up. Christ, if anyone knows how terrible of a person I am, it’s me. Why did she have to throw it in my face at the precise moment I needed to forget? I was going to make amends. Truly, I was, but now I can’t even begin to do that. There’s no path forward for me, it’s just gone. There’s nothing left.”

I gave up on holding myself back, rushing to her side and kneeling beside her, “Reyna. You’ll figure this out. I’m sure you’ve been through worse, and if you need help, I’m sure you’ll find it. You’ve still got a whole fifty-one more weeks in Japan, right?”

“It’s not about that. It’s not…”

Reyna locked down, her face reverting to factory default as she rose to her feet and began traipsing across the stepping stones. Unsure of what was happening, I accepted it and joined her, carefully setting each foot on the slick stones before progressing. She reminded me more and more of Kairi after that night with Hanako and the following weeks after being disowned. Regardless of how much she fronted, she looked just as lost as she decided she was. I wish I knew what to do or how to help her, but instead I just followed behind, hoping I could be there whenever and however I was needed.

After finding her footing halfway across, she stared off into the horizon. Nodding to herself, she then turned towards me.

“Do you want to stay the night?”

Would that even be right after what just happened? Yeah, I tried and failed to make my move just last night, and I still held feelings for her, but so much had changed since then. Before I could decide one way or the other, I brought my gaze over to meet hers. Her contrasting irises spoke volumes to her own incongruent thoughts of both determination and apprehension. 

She didn’t know what she wanted, but I did. I wanted to be wanted, and in her eyes, even in just this moment, I was.

“I suppose I can.”

_————————————————————_

The various rays of light streaming through the imperfect gaps in the blinds shone through at just the perfect angle to strike my eyes and wake me from my blissful sleep. As I tried to lift my right hand to rub my eyelids open, the hand holding it in place reminded me where I was and how I had gotten there. Through the night, Reyna’s body had become more and more tangled in my own, sending that giddy sensation through me all over again. Despite this particular situation becoming familiar over the past two weeks, I never took it for granted.

Over the next few minutes, I carefully slipped my way out from her embrace until I was free enough to soundlessly escape her sheets and slink into the bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I stared into the mirror, observing myself with pride.

From my stomach to just below my neck, she had branded me with a wide array of hickeys over the past few nights, serving as a reminder of our newfound relationship. Flirtationship? Friends with benefits? We hadn’t clarified what we meant to each other, why it was happening, or where we would go from here, but I wasn’t sure that it mattered. I had made a pact with myself to be there for her whenever and however I was needed, and I had been. She had been slowly getting better since that walk from Yamada to her apartment, with some significant upwards trajectory after the first semester ended. Not without some interesting developments, though.

It didn’t take a detective to find the occasional stray strand of silver hair still clinging onto the tub after she gave herself that admittedly rough haircut the other day, and her new stick-and-poke set was fairly unorganised from heavy use over the past few days.

After washing my face and tying my hair up into a serviceable ponytail, I wandered out into the room once more, exchanging my pajamas for the extra outfit I had packed yesterday. Once I was decent, I took a moment to reorganise her desk, setting her controller to the left side, her laptop to the right, then coiling the wire of her headset and placing it in the middle. Her ‘work station’ was a relatively new addition, but I had gotten into the habit of straightening it out for her whenever I woke up, knowing she would return to it after I fell asleep and lacked the energy to reset it before she stumbled back into bed.

I was thankful she found hobbies to occupy herself after being severed from the friend group she had likely intended to rely on for the rest of her time in Japan, but I’d be lying if this particular arrangement didn’t worry me. Sure, she went out with Yuri and her friends and would accompany Makino and Tokiwa on grocery runs, but more often than not when I came over, I’d find her in the dark, sitting at her desk, alone in her room. Her influx of drinking and smoking worried me even more than that, but I didn’t feel like it was my place to comment on it.

I elected to brush it off for another time, tiptoeing over to plant a kiss on Reyna’s forehead before exiting the room and strolling into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Fuji-chan,” Makino called out from the living room couch, “How was your sleepover?”

I smiled at the unclear implication, “Same as always. How about you? Haven’t been sleeping in your own room too often, have you?”

She gasped at my response, speaking into her watch like a communicator, “She knows too much. It’s time to put her down.”

“At least wait until I finish making breakfast to put me down.”

“I can’t exactly execute you on an empty stomach, anyways. Mido-chan has been sleeping later since she got that job at the studio, so you’re my only hope for a timely breakfast.”

I played along, rummaging their fridge and bread box for any ideas, “You can count on me, as soon as I figure out what I’m making.”

“I believe in you, Fuji-chan,” she called over, probably slightly too loud for most of the apartment still being asleep, “Now, what would Reyna-chan watch…”

Finding ample supplies for one of the Western breakfasts Reyna had taught me, I gathered all of the necessary parts and started, being mindful to not scratch or damage any of the pans considering they weren’t mine to damage. As I worked my culinary magic on the most basic of recipes, I thought to myself about how I’d gotten more comfortable at Reyna’s apartment than my own.

Since the fight at Yamada, Kairi and I had grown further and further apart, which I decided was probably for the best. As much as I didn’t like admitting it, I liked Reyna for a lot of the same reasons I liked Kairi back in the day, and splitting my attention between the two of them, especially when one of them needed me a great deal more than the other, felt like a bad call. Hanako was also a fan of me moving on. It had been three years since what Kairi did to her, but I wasn’t surprised that it still affected her judgement. Can't say I’d be any different in her position.

It wasn’t lost on me that since we’d moved to Usagiyama with Kairi that I’d spent more collective time here than there, though, and that notion led me down some unique rabbit holes. I’d initially moved down here because Kairi needed our help, but I felt less and less desire to fulfil that duty as I spent more time with Reyna, Tokiwa, and Makino. After all, I’d spent a significant fraction of my life with Kairi and Hanako anyway. Getting out of that shell felt good.

Once I had the sandwiches happily sizzling in their respective pans, I overheard the echoing tones of Reyna’s alarm emanating from her room. Knowing how she slept like a rock, I elected to trust the sandwiches for a minute while I went to go encourage her awake. Venturing out of the kitchen and back into the room, I caught another set of rustling sounds accompanying the musical alarm.

I gently opened the door, first hearing the lyrics.

_Pale yellow,_

_As my heart races,_

_I wanted you to know,_

_I will rise again, slow._

_My love for you will be gone._

_I will fix the pain on my own._

_My love for you will be gone._

As I cautiously traipsed over to the bed, her trembling and sniffling became more apparent. I slowly sat down next to her, running my hands through her hair as she hopelessly sobbed, whether barely awake or in her sleep, I didn’t know. It was the first time I’d seen her cry in two weeks, but I knew then that she’d done so significantly more times than just that.

It wasn’t long after that when the realisation and regret began to settle in, but I did what I did best and pretended I hadn’t figured it out.

_————————————————————_

“Shino.”

Kairi’s voice yanked me out of my trance-like state on the couch, reminding me that at some point between this morning and now, I had found my way home. The last few hours felt like they hadn’t really happened, but I had to recognise that they did. For the past two weeks, I had been living in a fantasy world where I was finally happy with a girl that I liked, and she was happy too. The truth struck me too quickly for me to process it, but I needed to wake up. Love wasn’t that simple for a Fujibayashi. It wasn’t for my mom. Why would it be for me?

“Shino,” Kairi repeated herself, waving her hand in front of my face, “Are you in there?”

“Yeah, sorry. What’s up?” I shook myself back to reality, craning my head up to her, who was staring down onto me with frustration. I tilted my head at the fact that she was wearing her glasses today, for the first time in a while.

She huffed, circling around the couch to face me head on, “We need to talk about Reyna.”

I crossed my arms resentfully, “I don’t want to.”

“I wasn’t asking. I know you’ve been—”

“I don’t think you heard me,” I shot up to challenge her on equal footing, “I said I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t mention it again.”

She let out an offended chuckle, placing a hand on her hip, “Shino, you’re living under my—”

“No. I respected your wishes when you told me you didn’t want to talk. We’ve barely ever talked about what happened with Hana-chan, and even less about what happened with Miyazawa and your trip to South Korea.”

“And here I was, thinking that I’d almost forgotten about that. Thanks for reminding me of the most traumatic experience of my life. What’s gotten into you?”

I pressed forward towards her, knocking her off her balance and into the wall, “What’s gotten into _me?_ What’s gotten into _you?_ What the absolute fuck was that at Yamada? Why did you bring me there just to single-handedly tear them back apart? We both saw what happened in Iwatobi. You know they’ll never recover from that now.”

“You don’t understand, Shino,” she muttered, retreating into herself and averting her eyes, “I couldn’t— not after… Agh, fuck!”

Becoming absorbed into a blind rage, she tossed her phone into the couch cushions and stomped out of the living room, slamming her door. What _had_ gotten into me? I had never mouthed off to her like that before, even when she deserved it. Was this Reyna situation really that groundbreaking for me? I had no clue, and that terrified me. My ability to read people may have been severed a year ago, but more than that, I could always read myself and understand what was going on in my own head. This time, I had no fucking idea.

As I threw myself into the cushions, Kairi’s phone began violently vibrating. I pivoted around to it, seeing the name ‘Olivia Hago’ across the screen. While I was mad at Kairi, invading her privacy was below me. I let it ring itself out, eventually giving way to the blissful quiet of the living room once again. The device then persisted, with a single, long vibration, and the notification for a voicemail appearing.

Perhaps it wasn’t below me. I grasped the phone and unlocked it, finding the voicemails and clicking play.

The speaker rattled on in a panicked English tirade, and I was only able to pick out Kairi’s name, Reyna’s name, the words ‘she finished the song,’ and ‘find her.’ I hadn’t the slightest idea what it all added up to, but connecting what few dots I had, I kept the phone in my hand and jumped the couch, bringing it and myself to Kairi’s sealed bedroom door.

“Kairi,” I called through the barrier, “You got a call from an ‘Olivia Hago.’ It’s something about Reyna, finishing a song, and finding her. She sounded worried.”

Before I could even process if what I just said made any sense, a series of shuffling steps crescendoed towards me, capping off with Kairi slamming the door open, abject horror painting her face.

“What did you say?” she panted as she snatched the device from my hand and stared down at it.

“Olivia said something about Reyna finishing a song, and you need to find her, I think,” I cocked my head as I spoke, growing morbidly curious at what it meant and what terrified Kairi about that sequence of words.

“She finished the song…”

Kairi sprung to action, damn near sprinting over to the door and haphazardly pushing her shoes on. In a flash of silver-white lightning, she was out of the apartment, with her hurried steps sounding down the stairs until they were too far to be audible. Being completely befuddled by the situation, I found my spot back at the couch and leaned my head back.

It only took a few moments after that before I drifted off to sleep, with Reyna and Kairi accompanying the same area of my mind. This was such a clusterfuck, but at least it wasn’t Hikarizaka anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharo / The Major here,
> 
> If you haven’t seen it, I started a spin-off series to bridge the gap in the new biweekly schedule called Tsukanoma no Shunkan. 
> 
> It’ll hopefully be a fun way to stay in the Yamada universe between main chapters, and if you like this, you should check it out. Chapter 1 gives some much deserved screen-time to Kumiko and Reina, along with a teaser for a character that will make her way to Yamada very shortly.
> 
> I don’t have anything to say about the schedule other than my plan. If I can somehow bring my backlog back up to four extra chapters, I’ll return to a weekly schedule. Until then, we’re sticking with the current schedule.
> 
> Come back on the 28th for Chapter 2 of Shunkan and Nov 4th for Chapter 17 of Yamada, where I’ll finally be able to share the talented Kuru Rui’s artwork of Reyna Marten!


	17. Hurt, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> East of Eden by Lee Holdridge  
> Blood Bank by Bon Iver  
> STYX HELIX by MYTH & ROID  
> Everything in Its Right Place by Radiohead  
> Exit Music (For a Film) by Radiohead  
> Anna’s Theme by Joshua Bell, Alexys Schwartz  
> Creep by Amber Leigh Irish  
> Into a Virtual World by Amin Bhatia
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains explicit scenes of possibly disturbing content that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is highly advised.**

_This chapter of Yamada Daigaku exclusively includes Original Characters. These events are crucial to Reyna’s characterisation, and thusly have been included despite the lack of KyoAni characters and a Japanese setting._

_————————————————————_

_East of Eden — Olivia Hago, 3 Years Ago_

_————————————————————_

“Liv,” Reyna beckoned, with her backlit silhouette accenting her smile as warm as the sunset behind her, “Are you ready?”

I scrunched every muscle around my mouth and nose, failing to relax them into a passable poker face, “No. Reyna, wait, can we talk about this? I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

“You’ve been trying to convince me of that the whole way over here, yet I still drove us here. What do you think my answer will be now? Come on, you’ll be fine, babe.”

I threw myself backwards into a leaning position on Reyna’s motorcycle, averting my eyes to the vast, gleaming fields to our right. Everything about this situation rubbed me the wrong way. Reyna had only ever described her family negatively, while having to exert effort to sprinkle in any good. That, and the economic disparity in our home lives struck me as a bad omen, too. When Reyna said I could stay at her house during camp weekends, I guess I wasn’t expecting an rickety apartment like Mom and I lived in, but I wasn’t expecting a fucking mcmansion surrounded by several acres of nothing but grass either. This was too much, too fast.

As Reyna approached with that comforting look in her eye, I crossed my arms in a pitiful attempt to feign annoyance with her. We may have only been talking for two and a half months now, but I was already infatuated with her, and staying upset at her kitten-like eyes was a Herculean task.

“Liv, I know I probably brought this negativity on myself, but I promise they don’t bite. Come on, my Pops is a half-Nigerian Jew, my sister is an Armenian Muslim, and I’m a half-Japanese agnostic. You couldn’t be walking into a more accepting household. What are you so worried about?” she pressed, setting her hands around my waist for good measure.

“It’s not that I’m worried about being judged—“ I corrected myself as I wrapped my arms around her neck, “Maybe it’s a little bit of that, but that’s not it. I’m not the ‘meet the parents’ type. It’s rarely gone well for me, and I really like you. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“Correction: parent, and if Sara so much as looks at you funny, I’ll break her legs. I’m in your corner, Liv. Now let’s go.”

Realising I was losing ground fast, I placed my chin on her shoulder, lightly blew on her neck, and slid my hands down from her collarbones, cradling her petite chest, “Think of how much more fun we could have if we just rented a hotel room. We can do the ‘meet the family’ thing next month. This month, I think we should focus on finishing the checklist we couldn’t at Finals.”

She giggled through subconsciously escaping moans, wanting to entertain the idea but staying stubborn, “With what money? You’re not gonna seduce your way out of this, Hago.”

In a fit of playful frustration, I shoved her away, causing her to stumble back and heartily chuckle as she fell on her ass. Feeling barely guilty, I extended her a helping hand, lifting her up and giving her a final puppy pout as a last resort. Smirking at me and pulling me towards the front door, I submitted to her whims, grabbing my bags from her bike’s trunk before clicking across the gravel driveway to certain doom.

My pessimism was somewhat diffused as I immediately got a sense of the type of family the Marten’s were by the ‘Beware of Dogs’ sign on the door, accented with the goofiest laminated picture of the most derpy husky and greyhound I’d ever seen just beneath.

Switching her grasp of my left hand with her right from forceful to loving, she clicked the door knocker in the Super Marius rhythm with her left, with a cacophony of barking ensuing from the inside.

“Ne frappe pas á la putain de porte, tu vis ici!” a gravelly, disembodied voice shouted from behind the door.

“He always yells at us in French, thinks it’s scarier,” Reyna giggled before screaming back, “Pops, Olivia is here!”

“Oh, shit,” the voice returned, much quieter but still just as gravelly. 

A series of booming footsteps approaching the door followed, giving way to the door opening to the tallest, darkest man I’d ever seen towering over us in the doorway. His salt and pepper beard obscured his neck from my view, with his shining, bare head contrasting perfectly. The sheer amount of masculinity radiating from him made me wonder if it had rubbed off on Reyna at all, resulting in her tomboyish tendencies.

“Je suis revenu.”

Reyna’s adoptive father scowled down on his comparatively puny adoptive daughter, yanking her into a one-armed embrace, “Your accent needs work. How are you going to play Fantine without a proper French accent? Olivia, it’s so nice to finally meet you. Reyna never shuts up about you.”

“Pops!” she attempted to tap out by slapping his immense forearm, “Hit the brakes!”

I shrunk into myself, wearing the most polite grin I could muster, “It’s so nice to meet you too, Mister Marten.”

“Please, Mister Marten was my father,” he chuckled to himself, extending his bear paw of a hand to me, “Call me Obadiah. Now, get inside before the dogs get brave.”

Just as he said so, I craned my head down to see the afore-mentioned derpy husky and greyhound watching me intently from the couch and furiously wagging their tails. Trying to remain composed out of survival instinct, I resisted the urge to scurry over and pet the hell out of them. Obadiah then closed and locked the entryway, released Reyna, and strolled towards the staircase beyond.

“You told me you were going to be a theatre tech,” I whispered to her as she rubbed her neck, “You said nothing about playing Fantine. You have to sing me _I Dreamed a Dream_ later.”

She sighed, patting out her shirt and jacket, “Only if you can get me to cry. We’re taking the Anne Hathaway approach.”

“Does that mean you’re gonna shave your head?”

Before she could protest, Obadiah yelled once more, “Sara, your sister is home, and she brought her girlfriend! Dinner is almost ready too! It’s seafood, your favourite!”

“Girlfriend??” I questioned a melting Reyna.

“It’s easier, I’m sorry,” she pouted, obviously feeling regretful about pushing so hard for me to meet her family, now seeing the result.

Suddenly, a slender teenager with ridiculously strong eyebrows and a beautifully ornate headscarf separating her forehead from her raven mane appeared from the top of the stairs, analysing me from head to toe. She honestly looked like she could’ve been one of my cousins, but addressing that out loud felt like it would be offensive. Didn’t prevent me from wondering what her surname was before Marten, though.

“I thought you said she was Armenian,” Sara pried at her older adoptive sibling.

I cut in, recalling Reyna’s earlier threat and wanting to defuse the situation before it had a chance to get heated, “My dad was Irish. My real surname is Hagopian, but my grandma shortened it to Hago when she immigrated.”

Before I could even finish my explanation, Sara’s eyes began to twinkle with curiosity. That made me wonder if she’d ever met another Armenian before, which progressed to me fantasising about teaching her about our culture.

“Olivia,” Obadiah reclaimed control of the interaction, “We were just about to have dinner. Would you like to join us? Oh, tell me you’re not allergic to seafood.”

“Just penicillin,” I chuckled to myself, earning a bright white smile from him.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Reyna is accident prone.”

“Pops! Come on,” Reyna continued pitifully pouting as she slinked over to one of the dining room table chairs. I followed suit, setting my bag down by the entrance, then planting myself in the seat next to her and rubbing her back. She gave me a weak smile before setting her forehead on the tabletop with a thud.

“You were right, Reyna,” I softly giggled, “This isn’t so bad after all.”

“Eat me.”

“No talk like that at the dinner table!” Obadiah cracked himself up as he strolled into the kitchen across the room from us, readying an armful of bowls.

Reyna just groaned in response, leaning into my hand as I continued circling her shoulder-blades. Sara then joined us, with the dogs following close behind and sitting comfortably by her feet once she was seated.

“What are the dogs’ names?” I questioned as I engaged in a staring contest with the greyhound.

Sara looked up from her phone to respond, “The husky is Kuno, and the greyhound is Pepin. They’re both rescues, and Pepin is an old fart.”

“What did Pops say about respecting your elders, Sara,” Reyna mumbled into the wood.

As if on queue, Obadiah strutted in with a massive pot in one arm and four stacked bowls in the other, with wrapped silverware threaded in between his fingers. Once he distributed them evenly, he took his seat at the head of the table, then clasped his hands. Sara did the same, and they shared a separate but unified prayer. Then, we each ladled our share of what appeared to be ciopinno and dug in. Reyna remained listless until an under-the-table prod from Obadiah, to which she obliged, filling her bowl halfway.

“What’s the occasion?” Sara inquired between spoonfuls, “We never have seafood.”

Obadiah swallowed, wiped his beard with the silverware napkin, then answered, “A few things. First, Reyna brought a significant other home for the first time. Second, she got the part as Fantine in the high school’s musical. And third, I’m leaving on a deployment on Thursday. We have a briefing and prep in an hour, so I’ll be gone until four in the morning. Reyna, can I trust the house to you while I’m away this time?”

“What happened to Medina?” Reyna tilted her head, “She’s always looked after us when you go on a mission.”

“This is the first time I’m leaving the house since you turned eighteen. I figured you’d be able to handle it now.”

Reyna and Sara shared a glance of contemplation before the eldest turned back to her adoptive father, “Yeah, we’ll be fine. Thanks for trusting me.”

“Dante will be here every Wednesday to do the yard. Make sure he gets paid,” he commanded, authoritatively pointing between the two of them.

“Who’s Dante?” I wondered aloud, considering that they just had the money to hire a yard worker and my question would reflect my relative poverty.

Reyna elaborated as she raised from her chair to retrieve a glass of water, “He’s one of Pops’ friends’ sons. He does the yards for everyone in their team to earn extra income.”

‘Cause that makes way more sense than my assumption. Alright, sure.

“One of many perks,” he added, looking to see what Reyna was doing, then facepalming, “Petite panthère, can you get four of those? I knew I was forgetting something.”

“Can you _not_ call me that in front of Olivia, please?”

“Peti panteh?” I repeated, likely butchering the pronunciation.

“Little panther. Black fur, cat-like eyes, and she’s short,” he smiled, taking great joy in repeatedly embarrassing his eldest.

Reyna furrowed her brow as she rounded the corner with a tray of water glasses, “I’m five-six. That’s taller than average.”

“And I’m six-seven. You and Sara are short,” he jested, graciously bowing as Reyna set the drinks by each of our bowls.

“How tall are you, Sara?” I rotated towards her, watching as she pushed the rising dogs down as she tried to eat in peace.

“Five-four,” she mumbled, “I’m average. I think.”

I gently smiled, “Me too. Go team.”

She raised an eyebrow, smirking lightly at my commentary.

Once Reyna returned to the table, she glanced over at my nearly finished bowl and began wolfing her own ciopinno to catch up. The moment we finished, she jumped out of her seat and set a hand on my shoulder.

“Thank you for the meal, Pops,” she started, “I’m pretty exhausted from today, so I think I’m gonna head up.”

Obadiah replied by extending his left arm, motioning for an embrace. She humoured the request, then circled back to me.

“May I show you your room?” she asked, wordlessly begging for an escape.

“The guest room?” the patriarch implored, waving it away, “Don’t worry about that. Your bed is big enough.”

Both of our faces heated up as we nodded in unison, rising from the table, acquiring my luggage, setting off towards the stairs, then ascending. Once we were out of eyesight and earshot, Reyna sent me a thumbs up, to which I snickered at the quirkiness of it all.

_————————————————————_

_Anna’s Theme — Reyna Marten, 3 Years Ago_

_————————————————————_

_Then the snow started falling._

_We were stuck out in your car._

_You were rubbing both my hands,_

_Chewing on a candy bar._

_You said, ain’t this just like the present,_

_To be showing up like this?_

_As the moon waned to crescent,_

_We started to kiss._

“If we ever ‘have a song’, can this be our song?” I trepidatiously relayed, pushing myself up onto my elbows.

Olivia giggled to herself as she rolled over onto me, pressing her pillowy chest into my stomach, “I think by acknowledging that you want this to be our song, you made it our song.”

“Oh, dope.”

We quietly laughed together as she raised up to plant a kiss on my lips, then set her head in my lap and rolled over onto her back.

I so desperately wished that she lived closer so we could do this more often, but distance makes the heart grow fonder, I guess. At that, I had no clue how to do a relationship in a drum corps setting, so once we left for camp tomorrow night, having moments like this was gonna get a lot harder. I’m glad that Pops decided to be cool about it and let her sleep in here, but I fuckin wish he’d been a little more discreet about it. I just know that Sara was keeping her ears peeled, which just made me want to crank the music up louder.

“You were right,” Olivia started, running her fingers up and down my arm, “Your family doesn’t bite.”

I groaned for the third time that night, “Not at you, apparently. I swear, Pops gets his kicks embarrassing me at every opportunity he gets.”

“That’s how you know he likes you. You’re very lucky, Reyna. Your home life is a wet dream for most kids in the system.”

“Let me complain, please.”

She let out a lone snicker, “Okay, petite panthère.”

“Bitch,” I huffed, playfully shoving her off of my lap and tackling her. We then wrestled for a moment, giggling our hearts out before I pinned her down. With both of my hands around her wrists, she tilted her gaze up, making the ideal bedroom eyes at me. I felt my cheeks pass the boiling point as my face drifted closer to hers. I was both terrified and ecstatic, knowing that once we started, there was no stopping. As my nose brushed hers, I battled the flashbacks of how this went last time, desperately wanting to be rid of that baggage and just be one with Olivia.

_OH, PLEASE DON’T LET ME DIE,_

_WAITING FOR YOUR TOUCH._

_NO, DON’T GIVE UP ON LIFE,_

_THIS ENDLESS DEAD END._

She jumped out of her skin, bonking our heads together and sending me back onto my ass. Holding what would surely become a welt on my forehead, I scrambled to my phone to turn the blasting music down to a tolerable volume.

“Owww,” she whined, holding her own forehead in pain, “Keep the phone closer, please.”

“Yeah, Christ. Sorry, Liv,” I agreed, plopping into the bed, sucking air in through my teeth in expression of the pain.

Rotating around to get her feet on the ground, she found her footing and started towards my closet, “I know how this goes. If we’re gonna play chicken, let me get into something more comfortable.”

“Wait, I’ll get it for—“

As I reached out for her, she opened the folding door, with my dakimakura flopping out, wholesome side up. I froze solid as she stared down at the foreign object, speechless for a moment. Thinking up an excuse, I spun around on the comforter and assumed a seated position towards her on my knees, remembering I couldn’t whistle after attempting to do so.

“Reyna.”

“Olivia.”

I watched a mischievous grin creep across her face, “Who’s this?”

Electing to be honest, I answered, “That’s Emilia-tan.”

“Mc-fuckin’… what?”

“She’s from an anime.”

“Yeah no, I gathered that.”

We sat in stark silence for a moment before Olivia huffed and picked up the body pillow and gently placed it on the bed, smoothing out the wrinkles.

“You wanna have a threesome?” she barely managed to propose the idea before cracking herself up.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I sent my gaze down in shame, “It didn’t naturally come up so I just procrastinated it.”

Olivia joined me on the bed once more, “Reyna, I don’t care that you’re a weeb—”

“Not that, the fact that I’m cheating on you with her,” I jested, fighting my laughter as she closed in.

“Should I put her away so she doesn’t see? I’d hate for you to get caught.”

“No, please allow me.”

I shot up to my feet, marching over to Emilia and raising her up to keep the naughty side from Olivia’s view, and placed her in the corner of the closet.

“What do you want to sleep in?” I inquired, glancing over my shoulder at her.

She presumptively shed her fitted top, exposing her extravagant bra and defined cleavage, “Your arms?”

“I meant for clothes.”

“The most ‘flowing’ shirt you have, and whatever shorts you have in there that will fit me.”

Accepting the challenge, I removed a crop top and my athletic shorts from my freshman year, before I had tree trunks for thighs, and tossed them her way. I then decided to fish out some clothes for myself, finding a very similar set to what I gave her. As I removed my clothes, I caught the music change to a song I’d never heard before.

_Kid A, Kid A_

_Kid A, Kid A_

_Everything, everything,_

_Everything, everything,_

_In its right place, in its right place,_

_In its right place, in its right place._

I cocked my head at her, watching as she set my phone down on the bed and began unclipping her bra, “Did you change the music?”

“Is that okay?” she probed, tilting her head at me right back.

“Yeah, I actually really like this. What is this?”

She loudly scoffed as I pulled my spandex shorts up, “Have you never heard Radiohead?”

“I’ve heard _of_ Radiohead.”

The sounds of the disrupting surface of my comforters filled my ears as I felt her approach. As I tossed my hat towards my nightstand and pulled the shirt over myself, I rotated around to see her hanging her feet off the bed next to me, attempting to wear the shirt I provided. I felt my face change shades as I realised that I underestimated how much surface area was required to sheath her bust.

This girl was a hazard to my health.

“Do you,” I stammered, feeling wholly unprepared for the sight before me, “Do you want a different shirt?”

She peered down, running a finger under her breasts, “What, can’t handle a little under-boob?”

“You just didn’t warn me.”

“Anyways, you haven’t heard Radiohead? They’re my favourite band of all time, and this song is my favourite of theirs. Hold the phone, I know one you’ll like.”

I followed her across the room as she reacquired my device, typing in the next song. It cut off the current song, giving way to a soft acoustic guitar strumming away.

_Wake, from your sleep._

_The drying of your tears._

_Today, we escape, we escape._

_Pack, and get dressed,_

_Before your father hears us._

_Before, all hell breaks loose._

I fell onto the sheets, closing my eyes and letting myself be absorbed by the soundscape. The song felt somber, but oddly comforting, too. A sudden warmth on my side clued me in to Olivia joining me, to which I opened my eyes once more, meeting her loving stare.

“I like it, a lot,” I remarked, resting my hands behind my head.

She ruffled out my bangs for me as she spoke, “I was thinking of getting a tattoo of _Everything In It’s Right Place_ before next season. Would you want to join me, except with _Exit Music?_ That would be a really easy first tattoo.”

I beamed at her proposal, then planted a kiss on her forehead, “Yeah, let’s do it.”

“Finally.”

“I didn’t mean ‘let’s do it’ like that.”

She peered over to the right in contemplation, then climbed on top of me, “Well, I did.”

I barely managed a single chuckle before her lips pressed against mine and her breasts pushed both of our shirts out of the way. A unison whimper escaped our joined lips as our chests squished against each other and she straddled me, wasting no time in making good on her earlier wishes. I fought my tremors by sliding my hands up and down her sides several times before gripping her waist and running my thumbs along the bottom of her bust.

“This is gonna be so much better than finals,” she purred as she removed my shirt, planting successive kisses down my neck, past my collarbone, finally reaching my left nipple. 

I held my hand over my mouth, wishing we would’ve turned up the music before getting into it and improvising the best I could. As she separated from my bosom, I threw myself up into the pillows for a better angle. Receiving a hint I hadn’t meant to send, Olivia continued her trail of kisses down to my belly button, proceeding to hook her fingers around my waistband and pull. I struggled to keep my hands from pushing her away, blocking out the flashbacks of Dev that battered against the wall between my conscious and subconscious.

I wanted this, right?

The cool air of my room struck my now exposed vagina, with little time for me to adjust before Olivia’s warm lips met it over and over again. My mind filled with simultaneous ecstasy and horror, recognising these sensations and setting off every possible alarm bell. I held my arms to my chest, allowing my moans to escape at full volume and the tears to pool in my strained-shut eyelids. 

I wanted this. I wanted this.

_It’ll feel better in a minute._

I didn’t want this anymore.

A short shriek escaped my throat as I pushed her head away, meeting her gaze of confusion and disappointment. Yeah, I wasn’t imagining it this time. I could tell she was legitimately disappointed.

“I can’t, I’m sorry, Liv, I just—“ a gasp cut me off as I rubbed the endless streams from my eyes, “I want you to, but I can’t. Please.”

She sighed as she sat up, pulling her shirt off and tossing it aside. “Why not? If you want me to, and I want to, what’s stopping us?”

I couldn’t tell if she was actively upset or I was just reading her wrong, but her frigid words tore through me, causing my tears to intensify. I wanted to tell her what happened, but if I never told anyone, I could just pretend it didn’t happen, right? I just wanted these fucking flashbacks to stop.

“Reyna,” she peeled my arms away from my face, domineeringly holding them down on either side of my head, “Whatever is going on in that head of yours, you don’t have to let it control you. You’re in control, you hear me? We both want this. You can do this.”

I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Why was she pushing it so hard? Where had her consideration for me gone? Maybe she _was_ in my court, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable. Regardless of my internal dialogue, I nodded, which she took as permission to proceed. She released my arms, then completely removed both of our shorts. Lifting my left leg over her right and positioning herself, we made contact as she slowly began grinding. My eyes rolled up towards the ceiling as I attempted to fight the waterworks with gravity. This felt good, like, _really_ good, but the alarms in my head just wouldn’t fucking turn off.

“I believe in you, Reyna.”

“Thank you,” I gasped out, unsure of whether it was a gasp of pleasure or result of my ensuing panic attack.

“It’ll feel better in a minute.”

Not those words. Not those fucking words. Christ, why did she have to say those words?

_It’ll feel better in a minute._

That phrase bounced across every corner of my mind, repeating itself endlessly in either Dev or Liv’s voice, ripping me apart and bringing on a fit of hyperventilation. I brought the pillow over my face, remembering Olivia’s dissatisfied expression and not wanting it to happen again. I fought it. I fought everything, but her. She was experienced in this kinda thing. She knew what was best, right?

Right?

Having no grasp of the answer, I slowly drifted the pillow down over my chest to see Olivia towering above me, panting with gratification.

_She had a beige complexion paired with a smattering of freckles and a tangerine mane that stretched from her now-messy top knot down past her exposed bust. Around her neck hung a singular circular charm, the one from Sundance Drum and Bugle Corps. I knew she was only eighteen, like me, but her ornate thigh tattoo, array of piercings, and the way she stared down onto me so lustfully and lovingly at once struck me as particularly intimidating and revealing. I wasn’t sure whether I was enjoying myself or just felt violated, but after her seafoam eyes met my streaming tears and disregarded them, I knew._

_————————————————————_

_Creep — Reyna Marten, 2 Years Ago_

_————————————————————_

As I pulled off the helmet and dismounted my bike, the solemn dusk sky opened up before me, poorly obscured by the sparse canopy surrounding the trail. Olivia’s shamrock Honda, which we lovingly referred to as ‘the Avocado,’ sat soundlessly at the head of the road, concealing the entrance to the viewpoint she occupied. This was a pretty common meeting place for us since we moved to Kapareno to attend Rasgado Community College. A secret hideout that we jealously guarded. We knew from the occasional abandoned beer can and foreign cigarette butt that we weren’t the only people to seek respite here, but when it was just us, it was ours.

Tonight felt different, though. Barely a week ago was the night I ghosted her and Mia to drunkenly hook up with Erin, her best friend since high school. He snitched on himself and me, bearing the burden in the form of a nasty black eye over the past few days. I was a different story, altogether. I hadn’t seen her since the day before that, and her absence from all of our common classes, including rehearsals, told me all I needed to know about how she took it. Yet, even after all of the theatrics, she invited me to the hill. After placing the helmet into the trunk, I unsheathed my phone, checking the message once more.

_The hill. 8:00._

I left no reply, but I knew she kept read receipts on for me. We both knew I wouldn’t refuse an invitation like that, regardless of the result of our rendezvous. If I died tonight, thrown off of a cliff by one of the most important people in my life, so be it. I probably deserved it.

Realising the stress would eat me alive if I did nothing about it, I fumbled around the inner pockets of my corps jacket, retrieving a single cigarette and my prized lighter. I proceeded to light up, adding one more regret to the ever-expanding list of things I did to myself for no better reason than I couldn’t control myself anymore. The value I held on my own life diminished by the day, so what did I care if I died of terminal lung cancer in my fifties? Honestly, would I even make it to thirty?

After forcing a sufficient nicotine buzz, I finally grew enough courage to venture past the Avocado, being overwhelmed by her curvy silhouette leaning against the metal gate-style barrier to the cliffside, backlit by the evening rush of Kapareno. The unadulterated majesty of the vista caused me to think twice about disrupting this moment, scuffing to a halt just after the bench. Unfortunately, she caught the sound, slowly rotating towards me, barely breaking form in doing so.

Even now, after having known her for more than a year, her beauty still took me by surprise every now and then. The chaotic arrangement of her numerous freckles, the gentle flow of her curly marmalade mane, her voluptuous form, her indie-punk style, and the gleam of those aquamarine eyes. Those eyes, which now glared at me with such agony, hiding behind a warm smile that was so obviously faked. Once she acknowledged my arrival, she turned back towards the town, then dragged on a cigarette of her own. My influence, most likely.

As I neared, she equipped her device, turning up the volume of a Bluetooth speaker on the bench behind that I’d failed to notice up until now.

_When you were here before,_

_Couldn’t look you in the eyes._

_You’re just like an angel,_

_Your skin makes me cry._

_You float like a feather,_

_In a beautiful world._

_I wish I was special._

_You’re so very special._

Radiohead. Her comfort food, should’ve known. This was an unusual cover of _Creep_ though. It was the acoustic one that I had shown her just a few weeks ago. This was calculated to the very moment I arrived. She knew what she was doing by playing this song, right now.

“Is this my playlist?” I hypothesised aloud, joining her in hanging off the edge of our world.

She released a breathy chuckle, “Half of it is there because of me.”

I gave her a half-hearted thumb-point with my dart hand, promptly bringing it back to my mouth and taking a long pull, expelling the smoke into the open air ahead. I still had no clue what her goal was by inviting me here, at this specific time. I was still partial to murder, but who knew? I certainly didn’t.

I knew I had to at least try, “Listen, Liv—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she swiftly cut me off, the heartache in her voice barely masked, “I will talk about literally anything else.”

I cleared my throat, sending my gaze to the horizon in contemplation. What else was there to talk about? How our days went? How could that matter right now?

She huffed at my silence, “Okay, I’ll start. My dad finally died a few weeks ago, and I just found out.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be,” she deflected with a smirk, “He was a drug dealer and an asshole. I haven’t even seen him in person in years, but you knew all of that.”

“Yeah. What happens to your brothers?” I inquired, shifting slightly towards her.

“Adam has been living on his own for a while anyways, so he’s staying in Olathe. Kasper and Tate are moving in with him, and Marek is moving here to live with Mom and I. The Hago diaspora continues.”

“Marek was the youngest, right?”

“Right. Eleven. Young enough to not get caught up in Dad’s bullshit. It’s probably too late for Adam, but Kasper and Tate will look after him anyways.”

We stood in an awkward hush for a moment, pondering her words before she spoke again, much quieter this time, “I miss them, Reyna.”

“I bet they miss you too,” I attempted to comfort her, reaching out with my words in lieu of the courage to do so physically.

“What about your parents?”

“Parent?”

“No,” she elaborated, “Not your Pops. I meant your biological parents. You never talk about them. What better day than today?”

I heavily sighed, dredging up what little I could recall, “I pretend not to know much, but I remember overhearing a lot as a kid. My mother’s maiden name is Suzuka, but Pops usually called her Haru, and she moved back to Japan after my father went missing. Didn’t have the heart to bring me with her, so she left me with a family friend. All I know about my father is that Pops calls him ‘Saint,’ and they worked together before he up and disappeared.”

“It’s my turn to say sorry,” she lamented. I found myself resenting her pity.

“It’s my turn to say don’t be,” I spun her words back around, “Pops and Sara are probably a much better family than I would’ve had in two people that didn’t want me.”

“Is that what this is about?”

I recoiled at the sudden interrogation, furrowing my brow at her, “Excuse me?”

“Never mind. Forget it,” she back-pedalled as she pulled one of the many rubber bands around her wrists and snapped it against her skin. Those were new.

“What do you remember about your dad? You said he did some pretty nasty stuff, before.”

Her posture collapsed as she set her chin on the barrier, “Yeah. I told you that he hit all of us, but he was especially brutal with Mom. She didn’t do anything about it until he hit me, though. Her only daughter. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and that’s when she signed the divorce papers and lost her only sons in the custody battle.”

“Families are fucked up,” I echoed the phrase I vaguely remember hearing before, pulling the last of my cigarette before flicking it into oblivion, “It’s a miracle we came out as whole as we have.”

“We may come from bullshit, but at least we have it all figured out now.”

We shared a doubtful stare before we cracked up, our laughter bouncing off the trees around us. As we recovered, the music changed to _Everything in Its Right Place_ , Olivia’s favourite song. My gaze naturally drifted down to the bottom of her ribs, which she acknowledged by lifting her shirt and doing her best to peer past her tits to look upon the relatively fresh tattoo.

“I can never see it without a mirror,” she snickered, “It’s healing well, right?”

“Yeah, it looks great,” I assured her, mimicking her and motioning towards my _Exit Music_ tattoo, “How about mine?”

She huffed, “You can see yours just fine and you know it.”

I playfully smirked, “Cunt. Thanks for showing me those songs. Before I die, I promise I’ll write a compilation of them.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

We held up our pinkies towards each other, therefore making the promise official. I didn’t even know how to arrange or write music yet, but now I had to learn.

As we brought our shirts back down, I could tell from the way her gaze flitted around that she had something on her mind. Just as I was about to tease her about it, she breathed in to speak.

“What happened before finals, Reyna?”

I attempted to wrap my head around the sudden inquiry as I flipped around to lean on the metal bars, “Which year?”

She rolled her eyes, “You know which year I’m talking about.”

Deciding that it was probably time to come clean about it, I cleared my throat again and reached for my ponytail, “I was… uh… I was ‘assaulted,’ I guess. By one of the tuba ageouts. We’d been flirting for a few weeks, making out on the bus, you know how dumb you are as a rookie. Then, at Allentown, he cornered me, and made good on his dirty talk in spite of my reluctance. Sometimes, when I try to have sex, or just touch myself, even now, I can still hear him say ‘It’ll feel better in a minute.’ Then I can’t unhear it. I’ve just about made my peace with it now, but now you know why I freaked out the first few times we tried.”

The look of shock in her eyes sent me for a tailspin. I was honestly surprised that she hadn’t put two and two together by now, but I guess I was just that good at keeping it a secret, for better or for worse. As her gaze drifted down, she snapped herself a few more times.

“I’m so sorry, Reyna. I can’t believe I—”

“It’s nothing,” I fabricated, grabbing another cigarette and hoping the head-rush would send the flashbacks away, “I needed it. I’m okay now. I can have sex just fine, now.”

I didn’t even have to look to know she was holding back waterworks, “So you’re saying that it’s my fault? That you fucked Erin?”

“Liv, no…“

The snaps got louder and faster, ringing in my ears like gunshots. Her vision began to flood, and the skin underneath the rubber bands grew a bright shade of red.

I reached for her hand, “Liv, stop, you’re gonna—”

“What else am I supposed to do?!” she jumped back from the cliff, her outburst dispelling flocks of birds on either side of our clearing, “You fucked my best friend! That hurt, Reyna! I just can’t stop thinking about it. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I see him or you around campus. It’s just… what did I do wrong? Why would you go to him, and not me?”

“Olivia, it wasn’t about you. I was in a dark place, I was drunk, and I wasn’t thinking—“

“No!! No…” she began feverishly shaking her head, with her left hand pressing against her heart. Her cheeks were now drenched, unable to hold back what she’d probably been thinking the whole time.

I felt powerless to stop it, unworthy to try, so I backed off, “It’s not your fault. I promise. I’m so sorry. I really am.”

She forced a smile up at me, immediately snapping straight back to the ground, “Liar. It’s always my fault…”

Before I had a chance to rebuke her, she spun away from me and the cliff, making a beeline for her car. Recognising that I couldn’t stop her even if I wanted to, I fell backwards into the bars, feeling my heart begin to race and my own tears start to form. I took an extended tug on my dart, wanting anything else for my mind to focus on. As the smoke passed my vision and floated into the sky, the Avocado vanished down the hill, with it becoming quieter and quieter much faster than I was comfortable with.

I hadn’t the slightest notion of when I’d see her again, but I knew that it probably wouldn’t be pretty when I did. I wish she would’ve just smacked me like she smacked Erin. 

That would’ve hurt less.

_————————————————————_

_Into a Virtual World — Kairi Sano, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

It was too fucking hot in America, everywhere. I thought Denver was supposed to be chilly, but nope. Not in July.

I fanned the collar of my shirt, growing increasingly irritated by the constant pooling of sweat in my cleavage more than anywhere else. It was almost enough to consider breast reduction surgery when I got home, but who had the money for that? Even after all of the freelancing gigs I’d done in Kyoto, I barely made rent, so clearly not me. Besides, if Olivia could survive three years of it, I could make it through one.

As my mind drifted to the red-headed wonder, my eyes followed suit, noticing the distance between us. Ever since Seaside last week, she’d been relatively quiet, always in her own head. It was a strange sight, realising that was probably how I constantly looked to Shino, Hanako, and Ushio for the past two years. Enlightening, even. In any case, I respected her boundaries, knowing that if I fucked it up with her, I had damn near no one else. 

I didn’t even have to ask what was on her mind, though. The rumours of what happened had been floating around the corps, with even staff pulling them out of rehearsals a few days ago. It would suck if her and VQ got kicked out, but I wasn’t exactly sure I knew why I cared. Yeah, Olivia was one of the only people who made a consistent effort to reach out to me, so I understood my desire for her to stick around, but why VQ? We’d barely shared a few words other than her joining in on teaching me bullshit English phrases that I pretended not to know how to pronounce, but past that, nothing.

Was the lack of Japanese people in this corps really hitting me so hard that I shared a subconscious connection to a Japanese American stranger I’d barely talked to? Culture shock did have a lot of unexpected effects, so I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if that was just another one of those.

“Sano,” Olivia beckoned as she stared down at a map of our area on her device, “What do you want to do?”

“Doesn’t Dakota usually decide? Where is she today, anyways?” I inquired, somehow just now realising that it was just the two of us.

She sighed, adjusting her visor before she began, “She’s spending some time with her mother today, so it’s just you and me. I am looking forward to actually being able to talk to you, at least. When are you gonna tell the rest of the corps that you can actually speak decent English?”

“Well, would it not be awkward now? Besides, you have to admit that it’s pretty funny how everyone talks to me like I’m a baby.”

She cocked her head in acknowledgement before reverting to her previous stance on the topic, “Yes, but it’s pretty inconvenient barely being able to talk when anyone else is around.”

“But Olivia,” I playfully pouted as I trotted up to be even with her and leered, “You aren’t honoured by the fact that you are the only one who knows I am fluent?”

“Fluent isn’t exactly how I’d put it.”

“How do you mean?”

She smirked as she shot me a mischievous side-eye, “What’s the first meal of the day?”

“Brefikst,” my tongue twisted in my mouth, “No fair, hold on. Brefkist. Breaf—”

“Just admit you can’t do it,” she taunted with a smile.

That was the first real smile I’d noticed from her in a while, which injected me with no small amount of pride for drawing it out of her without even trying. I elected to not address it, not wanting to give her any reason to recede back into her general state of melancholy.

“Whatever,” I brushed off her mockery, “What is there to do?”

“Well, we could eat, watch a movie, go to a park, et cetera, et cetera,” she rattled on, flicking her finger around her screen.

I raised a brow at the options, “What sounds good to you?”

“I’m not quite hungry yet, but I _have_ been wanting to see that new horror movie.”

“No,” I rapidly shook my head, “I’m no good at horror movies.”

“Oh come on,” she pleaded as she grabbed my shoulder and shook, nearly knocking me off-balance “It’ll be a great bonding experience, and maybe I can help you face your fears.”

“I have no fears,” I scrunched my nose, earning a soft snicker from Olivia.

Her brief laughter turned as she glanced up and quickly back down, her grin fading, “Everyone has fears, Sano.”

I brought my eyes to the horizon to find what had dragged her back down. Without much difficulty, I spotted VQ, Alex, and two others standing at the crosswalk, facing away. Scanning our surroundings, I elected to take Olivia’s wrist and attempt to lead her into the convenience store to our left, feeling the overwhelming desire to preserve her happiness and take her away from any obstacles to it.

“Sano, wait,” she protested for a moment before meeting my determined expression and allowing me to take the lead.

Once we slipped through the entrance, we found an empty zone to stand around until the group was out of our path.

Olivia’s eyes wandered from the floor to me after a moment, “You didn’t have to do that. I’m fine.”

“Not me,” I rebuked.

“What?”

I processed how to articulate what I wanted to say for a second, then went off on her, “You can say that to whoever else you want, but not me. I know what it’s like, feeling distanced from somebody you used to be close to. Granted, from the opposite side, but either way. I know I didn’t feel good when it happened to me, so I don’t imagine it feels good for you right now either. I want to be here for you, since no one was there for me. Not really, anyways.”

I watched a twinkle fly across her eye as she pondered my words, with the gaze behind it saying so much more than she likely intended. In a way, I felt connected to her struggle, even if I had no right to. She stuck her neck out for me when she didn’t have to, so who would I be to not do the same for her?

Before I could finish my own train of thought, she clasped my face with both hands, bringing it to hers and pressing her lips against mine. I successfully resisted the urge to recoil at the abruptness of it, then found myself enjoying it way more than I expected to a second later. It was the first time I’d received more physical contact than a handshake since Shino’s last kiss at the airport, and I wanted it to feel wrong, but instead, it felt so right.

As we separated, she slowly opened her eyes, with her confused but satisfied stare reaching directly into me. I knew then that it wasn’t about me, but I didn’t know if I cared that much, if at all.

Not even a few seconds passed before her gaze travelled past me and shifted once again, this time to an expression of terror. I flipped around, seeing the tall, bearded, bespectacled tuba guy that she sometimes hung around standing just opposite of us, a few rows down but clearly trained on our exchange. I bounced between him and Olivia, knowing the two were close but not having enough information to fully grasp the weight of what was really going on.

He promptly shuffled toward us, with Olivia starting to tear up. I acknowledged his advance, apprehensively clearing his path and stepping aside. Nothing about his demeanour told me anything about how much he’d seen or how he felt about it, but I understood perfectly that Olivia was scared out of her mind.

“Erin, please,” she muttered as he stopped a foot or two before her, “Please don’t tell Reyna.”

Olivia twiddled her thumbs as he rolled his eyes and responded, “She’s done it to you enough. It’s none of my business, anyways, just be more careful next time.”

Right after he said so, the shorter, surfer-blond trumpet from their clique slipped around the same corner Erin had just emerged from, “Erin, where the fuck— Oh no…”

Instantaneously, he darted over to Olivia and took her in a knowing embrace, craning his neck up to Erin and wordlessly interrogating him. Erin then nonchalantly shrugged, sending his gaze away in an accidental tell.

“We have to have an intervention with Reyna,” the blond relayed as Olivia returned the embrace, “Enough is enough.”

“Carson,” she muttered over his shoulder, struggling to get the words out through her gasps, “It’s okay.”

Erin reached into his pocket, “Do you want me to call her?”

“Not now, dumbass. Come on, Sano, we’re getting ice cream, or boba, or something else sweet” Carson relayed as he separated from Olivia, keeping a comforting hand on her back.

Despite my instinct to put on the ‘dumb Sano’ persona, I couldn’t wipe the shock off my face or out of my stance. Feeling dumbfounded, I simply nodded, following along as the two led a trembling, sniffling Olivia out of the store and down the street to the right, back the way we came and away from VQ and her group.

For the briefest moment, I thought Olivia and I had reached some profound understanding, but in the matter of a few minutes, I was left reeling once more. With nothing to do but just watch as Olivia drifted away, I trudged along, keeping a respectable distance between us once more.

(Thank you to @_Kairirin_ on Twitter for this wonderful art of Reyna as she appeared in Chapter 6)


	18. Hurt, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Wave by Beck  
> La Strada by Nino Rota — Amy Dickson
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains explicit scenes of possibly disturbing content that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is highly advised.**

_This chapter of Yamada Daigaku exclusively includes Original Characters. These events are crucial to Reyna’s characterisation, and thusly have been included despite the lack of KyoAni characters and a Japanese setting._

_————————————————————_

_Wave — Sara Marten, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

_“Come on, Sara,”_ Carson’s grainy request radiated out from the phone on Pepin’s head on my lap, _“We won’t let you get in any trouble. Erin’s got plenty of experience supervising Reyna, and I doubt you’d be much more trouble than her even if you got plastered.”_

I shook my head at his proposal, pausing my game to properly turn him down, “Several reasons I want to say no. First, unless you can get another girl on board, that sounds nerve-racking as hell. I’m no good with sausage fests. Second, my balance isn’t that great nowadays anyway, so getting high or drunk sounds like a recipe for disaster. Lastly, Pops trusted me to supervise the house this time, and Olivia is gonna be here any minute now, so I’ve technically got other plans.”

_“Liv is going to your house? I thought her and Reyna broke up again after HP dropped out,”_ he inquired, posing a couple questions of my own.

“Olivia is coming to hang out with me, actually. Reyna doesn’t get back in for another hour or so. Invite her, she’ll be more fun anyways.”

_“If you think Reyna will be more fun,”_ he scoffed, _“You clearly haven’t seen Reyna drink when she’s depressed.”_

“Watch your words, Casey. That’s my sister you’re slandering.”

I assumed the garbled static that preceded was him clearing his throat, _“It’s not slander if it’s true. Look, I love Reyna like a sister, but she’s very bad at keeping her problems to herself. Her and Liv’s rough patch has been going on for nearly two years now, and any time there’s a new development, we all know within the week. It’s exhausting, Sara.”_

“Tell me about it,” I heavily sighed, tapping my stumps together much to Pepin’s dismay, “At least you don’t have to live with her.”

_“But yeah. We’ll be out for a while tonight, so at least think about it.”_

I pinched my nose bridge at his determination, huffing before I replied, “Yeah, alright. I’ll let you know.”

As he spoke, the knocker clicked against the entryway door in the recognisable pattern that was reserved for either a Marten or a Hago, queuing Pepin to jump over me and sprint to the door, barking the whole way. I scrambled to catch my tumbling phone as Kuno rocketed down the stairs to join in on the symphony.

“I’ll talk to you later, Carson. Olivia is here,” I relayed as I reached for my liners strewn out on either side of me.

_“Roger dodger, talk to ya.”_

With the conclusion of his phone call, I scrolled down my contacts list, dialing Olivia. She wasted no time in picking up.

_“Hey, Mardi. It’s me at the door.”_

“I was just about to ask,” I let out a single chuckle, “Hunker down. Gotta get my legs on.”

_“Take your time.”_

The line ended, prompting me to set my phone down and pick up my left liner, carefully aligning the pin to my scar before slipping it over my thigh, then repeating the process with the right liner. Once they were comfortable and properly airtight, I grabbed my legs and clicked them on, pushed myself up to my ‘feet,’ then did ten taps on each, listening for every click. I then psyched myself up and strolled through the living room to the door, unlocking it and swinging it open to find Olivia sitting on the steps, scrolling away.

“That was fast,” she lauded, raising up and flipping around towards me.

I puffed my chest with pride, “Damn right it was. I’ve been practicing.”

She smirked as she passed through on my left, scooping Pepin up with a grunt “Proud of you. Come on, I’ll help you get your legs off.”

“How polite.”

As we progressed across the room and towards the couch, I could sense that there was something off about Olivia, and she was struggling to keep it hidden. Admittedly, I hadn’t heard much about what Reyna did this time, but what I had heard sounded pretty damaging. It was very clearly taking a toll on Liv, but I did my best not to pry. It wasn’t really any of my business, anyways.

We then plopped on the couch, with her placing the geriatric greyhound down on the other side of the cushions from me, then reaching for my thigh casings. I obliged her motion by setting my ‘feet’ on the coffee table, making the endeavour as easy for her as possible. She circled the release button for a hot second, scraping the edges with her talon-like nails before realising something was different.

“Get your nails done?” I inquired, “Those look sharp.”

She lifted her hand to her face, observing the acrylics in question, “Yeah. Mom and I had a moment. She did my nails like she does hers. Super gaudy, but it made her happy.”

“That was sweet of you.”

“Thanks, but anywho,” she remarked, returning to my thigh casing, “These are new, aren’t they? How do I unlock it?”

“It’s a button now, just push it,” I snickered, earning a confused furrow of the brow from her.

She then followed my directions, with the press unlocking the pin of the liner from the prosthetic. Now confident in her ability to do the rest on her own, I bent over towards Pops’ chair, retrieving the controller and unpausing.

Her gaze darted between my legs and the screen, “New game? What’s this one?”

“Not new,” I elaborated as I directed my character over a rocky hill top and queued my teammates to follow, “Pops got it recently, so I decided to try it out while he’s gone. Says it helps him refresh on his tactics while he’s not on deployment, so maybe I can get in his head by playing it.”

“Interesting reasoning,” she expelled a silent chuckle as she set the prosthetic on the floor and began peeling at my liner, “Didn’t take you for the G.I. Joe type.”

“Why, ‘cause I’m the natural enemy of G.I. Joe types?”

“Sara!”

I cracked myself up as she fought a grin, having to stop to shake her head in disapproval before going for the next leg.

“That’s kinda fucked,” she chided, her inflection raising slightly.

“Only if you think about it too hard,” I rebuked, continuing towards my virtual objective, “I watched _The Breadwinner_ the other night anyways, so I get a freebie.”

“You don’t hear me cracking jokes about the Ottomans almost wiping out our entire culture.”

“I feel like that’s in a completely different league.”

She scrunched her nose as she set my other leg down, “Only if you think about it too hard. But, sidebar, what’s going on with you and Carson? He keeps talking about inviting you to their boys’ nights. Sounds shady to me.”

I sighed in response, pausing the game once more, “Nothing is going on between me and Carson. I can tell that he wants something to be going on, but that feels weird, even if him and Alex are open, or whatever. Even if I did like one of them, Carson wouldn’t be my first choice.”

“Who would be?” she inquired as she sunk back into the cushions and crossed her legs with intrigue.

I breathed in to respond before realising that being honest might not be the right play here, considering the history between her and the current object of my affections.

She playfully rolled her eyes at my hesitation, “It’s Erin, isn’t it?”

“What? No,” I promptly deflected, poorly disguising my shock at her perfect prediction before conceding just as promptly, “Why would you think that? Am I that obvious?”

“You Martens all act alike, despite not being biologically related. By proxy, reading you has gotten easier and easier. Aaand you just admitted it, so that helps.”

I pinched my nose bridge before running my hand down my face, attempting to wipe the red in my cheeks away, “Fair. But yeah, Erin would be my first choice. He’s not even really my type, either. None of them are, I don’t get it.”

“Sometimes it’s not as easy as a type, Mardi,” she laid down her casual wisdom as she pulled Pepin onto her lap and began petting the length of his body, “If it were, we’d all get married at eighteen. Unfortunately, attraction and love are a bit more complicated than that. You don’t really know what you like or what you’ll attach to until you’ve tried out some options.”

“That’s not me, though. I don’t want to get around. I just want to choose someone and be done with it,” I relayed, leaning forward and supporting my chin in my hands.

“Maybe you Martens aren’t all the same, then.”

I cocked my head at Olivia’s seemingly out-of-place addition before catching on to where it was coming from. My hope was to avoid any talk of Reyna with her, knowing that it could just stoke the fire, but I doubted that there was much else on her mind after all of the subtle mentions of my sister. This was all so fuckin’ awkward, and I really didn’t want to have anything to do with their messed up ‘will they, won’t they’ dynamic, but I guess I was just too close to the both of them to avoid it forever. 

Carson was right, it was exhausting.

“How about you, Liv?” I redirected the conversation, “How are things going with you? We’re finally going to the same school but I never see you around.”

As she breathed in to respond, the locks of the front door loudly clicked in their sequential order, giving way to a muted conversation between two familiar voices on the outside. I felt the vibe of our hangout turn, with the two of us speculating on who it could be and likely arriving at the same, and only reasonable, conclusion. Our questions only lasted until the entry unsealed, with Reyna and Alex standing just before the threshold, looking to each other and not noticing us.

Suspicious of the lack of barking and pawsteps, Reyna turned her attention to the interior, immediately finding us and losing the previously content expression she carried in. The short brunette next to her followed suit as she realised what she’d accidentally gotten herself into, bouncing her attention between the two estranged lovers. The uncomfortable silence was undercut by the lightning bolts forming in the staring contest between Reyna and Olivia, as Alex slinked in and stood at a safe distance.

“Reyna,” I spoke, tearing through the quiet, “I thought you weren’t coming back for another hour or so.”

“And I thought you’d be with Carson and Erin and them,” she replied, breaking the tension between her and the redhead by shifting her stare to me.

Alex traipsed over towards me, “Hey Sara, maybe we _should_ go hang out with Carson and them. I’ll take you.”

I furrowed my brow at Alex before glancing at Olivia, who wordlessly nodded at the idea, keeping a glare locked on my sister. As much as I wanted to uphold the promise that I gave to Pops, I really did not want to be here anymore, given the sudden change in circumstances. Accepting the offer, I carefully re-donned my liners and reached for my legs, with Liv intercepting them and helping me out.

Reyna snapped towards that motion, “She’s perfectly capable of doing it herself.”

“Wait your turn,” Olivia threatened, instantly making me significantly more nervous about her proximity to me.

In response, Reyna scoffed indignantly, ambling over towards the fridge and grabbing one of her cans of liquor.

Once I was able, I pushed myself up, repeating the action of my ten taps on each leg before moseying over to Alex, keeping the remaining two in my peripheral as Olivia raised up and leaned on the head of the couch, impatiently waiting for our departure. We took the hint and set off towards the exit, not without the occasional worried over-the-shoulder glance back at the ticking time bomb. After completing our retreat, Alex chose mercy by closing the door behind us and swiftly leading me towards our escape.

“Why was Liv there?” she inquired, clicking her key fob.

I closed my eyes as we journeyed across the gravel pathway, “We were gonna hang out for a bit before Reyna got home.”

“I’m sorry to take you away from that,” she apologised, “But we’re not gonna want to be there when it boils over. Mia told me about last time, and if it ends up even slightly as bad, we should make ourselves scarce for a while.”

Horrified by the implication, I resigned, finding my way into Alex’s truck, buckling my seatbelt, and twiddling my thumbs.

I never really asked Reyna or Olivia about the nature of their relationship or why it appeared so volatile. It never came up, and I honestly wasn’t too concerned about it, nor did I want either of them to attempt to sway me against the other. However, after continually hearing about the fallout from their friends, I was beginning to get the notion that I’d want to stay informed, sooner rather than later.

I hated that they couldn’t just work out and let me have an adopted sister and a soul sister that didn’t have increasing tension with each other, but that’s what I get for getting attached to Reyna’s first girlfriend.

At that point, I just hoped they left the dogs out of it.

_————————————————————_

“Sara,” Alex’s voice shook me from my intermittent slumber, “We’re almost there.”

My eyes fluttered open and shut at her words as I did my best to bring myself back to the land of the living. I had no idea what hour it was of how long we had been out, and I had the suspicion that my first drink was to blame for the loss of time. I wasn’t even sure if I liked the taste, but after experiencing the numbing effects, I gained a new understanding of Pops and Reyna’s reliance on it. I was just lucky Alex was there to keep me in check, considering I had little memory of my actions or my behaviour over the past few hours.

“What time is it?” I questioned, no longer comfortable with not knowing.

Alex brought her watch up, then planted her hand back on the steering wheel to correctly navigate the twisting backroads of outer Kapareno, “It’s almost one o’clock.”

“Jeez.”

“I’m surprised they called it a night _this_ early, honestly. I wonder if they felt guilty about corrupting you and decided that was enough excitement for one night.”

“If it wasn’t them,” I laughed to myself as I rubbed my eyelids open, “It would’ve been Reyna or Pops at some point. Alcohol is a staple food in our household, and I’m honestly late to adopting it.”

“That’s kinda bleak,” she commented, “But not surprising. I guess Reyna’s drinking habits had to have come from somewhere.”

I grunted in affirmation, then leaned my head back, not sure if my lack of general coherence was due to the alcohol or my exhaustion. I had gotten pretty good about getting to sleep at a reasonable time recently, so this break in my schedule was throwing me for one hell of a loop. My only desire was to pass out and call it a night, but I knew Alex carrying me was out of the question on account of the height difference between us. She honestly made me feel tall.

“Hey Alex,” I racked my brain for a conversation topic to try to wake myself up, with the hangover choosing for me, “Do you think I’d have a shot with Erin?”

She held back a giggle, “I thought you were looking at him a lot. If we’re being honest, it’s hard for someone to not have a shot with him, but whether he’d stay interested for longer than a week is a different question entirely. He’s pretty impulsive and tends to hop on whichever train is passing by, unless that train is Olivia, in which case he’s always had one foot aboard. That’d be the hardest part.”

“We’re both Armenian, maybe that’d work in my favour,” I hummed, turning my head away from the window after noticing how nauseating the speeding landscape had become.

“I don’t think he likes Liv ‘cause, she’s Armenian, chief.”

“That’s a shame.”

After that brief discussion, we pulled into the extended driveway of the house, with the absence of the Avocado and the lights being out letting me know that Olivia had gone home for the night, and the presence of the motorcycle letting me know that Reyna was still around. I expelled a sigh of relief at the implication, then mentally prepared myself to evacuate the truck.

Alex drifted us to a halt a few yards from the entrance, then turned to me, “I’m gonna stick around for a few minutes. Got some texts to respond to.”

“Gotcha,” I replied, pushing the car door open and unbuckling, “Thanks for the ride, and taking care of me.”

“Anytime. Goodnight, Sara.”

“Goodnight.”

Finding my footing, I hopped out of the car and began the short trek towards the entryway. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out the locks in my state, but I eventually did. Swinging the door open, I was met with an equally typical and atypical scene. Reyna was asleep on the couch, with the screen still on and playing one of her favourite comedy specials. As I looked on to what would regularly be a sight I’d expect to find Pops in, I caught on to that strange vibe again.

A bizarre mixture of scents filled the foyer and living room, with the most discernible being those of fish and iron. I hadn’t the slightest clue what either of those meant, or why they were hanging around, but I brushed them off and pressed on, closing and locking the door, finally gaining the attention of the dogs huddled around Reyna. Pepin appeared as clueless as usual, but Kuno was behaving weirdly. He rapidly switched his stare between me and Reyna, with a soft whimper accompanying the motions.

Growing increasingly concerned by the odd display, I rushed around the couch, putting myself between it and the television to get a better look at Reyna.

I’d caught her sleeping out here before, so I had a pretty good notion of how that was supposed to look. She’d curl up with one of the armchair pillows and lay sideways, but tonight she had passed out in an upright position, which undeniably struck me as wrong. Now decently disturbed, I scurried over and tried to shake her awake. As I got up close, I noticed the beginnings of a bruise on her left cheek.

“Reyna, you shouldn’t sleep out here,” I muttered, realising the previous smell of iron was originating from behind her, “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

Her eyelids began to flitter at my prompting, with her hand shooting up to her forehead and her fingers tensing, as if she was trying to pull out a headache. Finally, her eyes stayed open long enough for me to notice her uneven pupils, with one significantly more dilated than the other.

“Fuck, Sara,” she mumbled, her speech slurring, “My head hurts. Can you get me some Tylenol?”

“Yeah. Let’s get you up first.”

I clutched her hand and strained to lift her up, only getting a result after grabbing the other and yanking her to her feet. The moment she lifted from her seat, the origin of the iron smell rudely revealed itself to me. A series of blood stains where her back formerly was had caked on the cushion, and my hands, which had found their way to her back in an attempt to keep her from tumbling over, felt wet.

“Reyna,” the trembling in my voice only served to unnerve me more, “What the fuck?”

She grabbed my shoulders, stabilising herself and turning towards the source of my horror, “Oh, that’s odd.”

Now officially panicking, I circled around to her back and lifted her shirt, finding two matching sets of four seeping scratches down her shoulder-blades. Claw marks, made by very sharp nails. I slowly pieced the evidence together, throwing her arm over my shoulder and preparing to get her to Alex’s truck.

“How bad does your head hurt,” I struggled to calmly interrogate her.

“I think I might have a concussion.”

Yeah, fuck all of this.

I scrambled for my phone, wiping my thumb on my shorts before dialing Alex.

_“Hey, Sara. Forget something? I’m still in the driveway.”_

I tried and failed to swallow the rock in my throat, “Alex, we need to take Reyna to the hospital. Please help me get her.”

A stunned silence followed before she finally responded, _“Jesus Christ.”_

In that moment, I was tempted to agree.

_————————————————————_

_La Strada — Erin Georgiadi, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

“Don’t you think the ending was kinda dark?”

“I think it was a brave choice, for both the characters and the story,” I countered Sara’s assessment, “Yeah, the city is pretty much ruined, but they choose to continue on anyways because they love each other. I guess it can seem selfish, but love is selfish sometimes.”

She furrowed her brow disapprovingly, “I know that. Don’t talk to me like I’ve never been in love.”

“I never said anything like that, but your reflex to deflect is pretty sus,” I teased, causing her to cross her arms and pout.

“Is it too late to ride with Carson and Alex instead?”

“Ow.”

I glanced away from the road ahead to observe the strange sight of Sara Marten riding shotgun in my car. Trying to speculate on how this reality came to be, nothing came together to form any meaningful explanation. She had been hanging out with our group more and more since she graduated and started going to Rasgado with us, but why she ended up drifting my way still didn’t quite seem right to me. I was tempted to pin it on Alex, recalling how much she had been pushing her towards me, but that was pretty uncharacteristic of her anyways. 

In any case, I couldn’t decide whether this development made me uncomfortable or optimistic, and that simple inability to decide pissed me off. I was a fan of being in control, and I was not in control at all. Who was? Fuck if I know.

Sara’s shifting prosthetics in my peripheral pulled me out of my introspection and back into the awkward silence. What the hell am I supposed to talk about with her, anyways? I barely knew anything about her apart from the obvious.

Thankfully, she started, “So… I guess we don’t really know much about each other, huh?”

“I didn’t realise there was a desire for the otherwise,” I spoke out of my ass, desperately clinging to some sort of cool exterior I may or may not have had.

“Well,” she mumbled, apprehensively looking around the interior, “If I’m going to be hanging out with you guys more often, it might not hurt to know more about everyone, including you.”

I shrugged at the concept, “Aight. What do you want to know?”

“The most nebulous question ever,” she giggled as she leaned into the passenger side door, flicking her long, raven hair.

“Okay,” I scoffed, dipping and raising my voice facetiously, “Hi, my name is Erin Georgiadi. I’m twenty years old, and I’m from Olathe, Kansas. I don’t have many hobbies, so I usually waste time playing video games or watching ViewTubers play them instead. Oh, and I do drum corps. Maybe that’s important.”

“Just gonna give me your go-to dating app introduction, then?”

“Hey, if it ain’t broke.”

“I’ll take it,” she smirked before reciprocating, “Hullo, my name is Sara Marten. I’m eighteen years old, and I’m from Westlands, Texas, but probably originally from Bufu, Armenia. I also play video games, but have other hobbies. Oh, and I don’t do drum corps but my sister does it so I know too much about it. Now that we’re done with the obvious, where does that leave us?”

I latched onto what I could, “What games do you play?”

“Oh you know, the usual suspects. The Older Scrolls, the Hexer, Black Souls, other fantasy games like that. I have recently gotten into some shooters, and by some I mean just Spirit Recon.”

“No way,” I laughed in disbelief, “Spirit Recon? That’s pretty much the only thing I’ve been playing for a while.”

“Really?” she grinned, leaning into our conversation, “Have you seen the trailer for the new one? Oh my god, I’m so excited.”

“Enough times to recreate it play by play. I gotta know how you got into Spirit Recon, of all things.”

“What? Think I’m not enough of a gamer girl?” she teased, continuing to lean closer.

“No, it’s just a surprise,” I elaborated, fighting the instinct to lean in as well, “I mean, it’s not that mainstream of a game.”

“You’re right. I didn’t come by it naturally. I just saw Pops playing it and decided to give it a try, then ended up getting hooked.”

I smiled at her explanation, feeling a lot more at ease than just a moment ago. It was weird how equally similar and different she seemed to Reyna. I mean, it made sense, but I still found myself caught off-guard by the subconscious familiarity after she got comfortable.

“See?” she caught on to my relaxation, “Not so bad of an idea after all, huh?”

I huffed at her smugness, “I guess I just felt a little standoffish after Alex pushed us together so hard. I don’t really like being pushed in any specific direction, but she probably saw this common interest coming from a mile away.”

I felt her recede into herself at my latest addition, “You think she’s been pushing us together?”

“Don’t you think so?” I curiously furrowed my brow at her.

Her hesitation to answer sent some wild ideas into my head. After a few more quick glances at her reddening cheeks and her closing body language, I felt tempted to believe those notions, but stayed pessimistic. It’s not like Alex to play matchmaker, especially when it comes to me, but something about how Sara acted around me specifically kept me wondering.

“Erin,” she stammered, struggling the words out, “I wanna tell you something.”

That’s all I needed to buy in.

“No need. I get it now,” I stopped her, wondering if my feigned understanding would pull any answers out of her.

“I didn’t ask Alex to get involved, she just took it upon herself after I told her.”

I pried, “Told her what?”

She refused to elaborate, adorably bundling into herself even further. Fuck it, what have I got to lose here?

In a moment of bravery, I brought my hand from the steering wheel to her thigh. After feeling the cool plastic of her prosthetic, I realised how dumb of a move it was for that instance.

“You know,” she held back a giggle, “I appreciate the gesture, but that’s not doing anything for me.”

It was apparently my turn to be bashful, “Yeah, well, the only skin of your thigh is a little high, so I didn’t wanna—“

“So?”

I looked to her in surprise of her sudden burst in confidence, seeing her hiding her crimson embarrassment behind a suggestive smile. Turning my gaze back to the road, she grabbed my hand and slid it up to the gap between the top of her thigh casing and the bottom of her shorts, leaving my hand in dangerously close proximity to her crotch. Feeling that realisation crash though me, I fought the nervous shiver by lightly squeezing her thigh.

“Oh,” she slipped out a moan before laughing aloud at the concept. I joined in, unsure of whether to leave my hand there or quickly remove it.

“This was not how I was expecting tonight to go,” I went on as I began the curve into the Marten household’s driveway.

“Is it okay if I want how it’s going to continue?” she inquired, playing into her innocent-sounding voice to achieve the opposite effect.

I parked the jeep a few yards from the entrance before turning to her, “Yeah, that’s okay, but I don’t really know if it’s smart if I let it. Things have been kinda weird for me lately, and I don’t know if it would be a good move for me to humour you.”

Her eyebrow twitched as she let out a reflective chuckle, “Who cares? If you want something, why should you let anything stop you?”

“Because I want to be better than I have been,” I gently pulled my hand away, placing it on the console between us, “And I dunno if getting cozy with my friend’s sister would be any kind of ‘better’ than letting said friend drunkenly seduce me, twice.”

“Forget about Reyna,” she grabbed my hand with both of hers, “She doesn’t matter right now. What matters is I like you, I want to know what ‘it’ feels like, and you seem like someone I can trust to show me.”

The two halves of my conscience began duking it out after her words. The angel on my shoulder beseeched me to turn her down and continue keeping a low profile in all this drama, while the devil drooled at the concept of getting laid. Fuck, I hate how much control my libido had over my decision-making. 

I elected to take the coward’s way out and give a non-answer as I saw Carson’s bug pulling into the driveway, “Let’s see how the rest of the night goes first.”

“I’ll take it,” she pouted, sending her door open and hopping out of the jeep. I followed suit, clicking my fob and watching as the rest of our gathering arrived.

As I circled around to her side of the vehicle, we shared in an understanding silence, waiting for Carson and Alex to join us by the door. I took the spare moment to observe the insane mcmansion that allegedly belonged to the Martens. I hadn’t the slightest clue what ‘Pops’ did for a living, but whatever it was paid the fuckin’ big bucks. 

After they had been parked for a hot minute, the duo slinked out, regrouped with each other, and moved our way.

“Jesus,” Carson relayed as he walked, rubbing the back of his head, “That was a bumpy ride.”

I chuckled mockingly, “That’s ‘cause you’re driving a bug on gravel backroads. Y’all should’ve taken Alex’s truck.”

“No dice,” Alex waved the idea away, “I’m already tipsy, and Carson is afraid of driving it.”

He scoffed in response, “I’m not afraid, I just don’t wanna cheat on my car.”

“I bet.”

Now altogether, Sara led our merry band towards the entrance, swiftly pulling out her key and unlocking the door. The moment the door swung open, a collection of deep barks resounded through the house, with an older greyhound awaiting us when the door finally opened. The hound scanned the three unfamiliars, watching me with particular intent as we filed in.

“Where’s Kuno?” Alex wondered aloud, likely referring to a second dog.

Sara surveyed the rooms visible from us, shrugging, “Probably with Reyna. You guys get comfortable on the couch, I’ll get some chips and drinks.”

“Don’t worry about it. I know where everything is, I’ll grab ‘em.”

“Sweet, thank you. I’m gonna head upstairs and change, then.”

As the two girls split off, Carson and I, feeling purposeless, moseyed on over to the grouping of chairs and the single loveseat arranged by the high-end entertainment center, finding our preferred spots.

“With how Reyna dresses and acts,” I began, “I’d never expect her to come from such money.”

“Do you even know what Mr. Marten does?” Carson questioned as he stared into the reflective screen of the TV and ruffled his surfer’s mop.

“As a matter of fact, I do not.”

“Neither do I. I thought he was like a bodyguard or something.”

“He’s a contractor,” Alex called over from the kitchen, “Paramilitary schtuff.”

Carson and I proceeded to do a double-take at the expensive scenery around us with that information in mind, then shared a nod in acknowledgement.

“Oh, Vista,” I recalled the car ride here, “I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

“If you want a drink and a bite, you’ll save it for when I get in there,” she rebuked, audibly rustling around the pantry.

Carson cocked his head at the noise, “I thought you said you know where everything is.”

“Uh, who asked you? Your fly is down, by the way.”

Looking down at his zipper to confirm the accusation, he promptly lifted upwards to fix the issue, then slouched back down into the cushions.

“Have a fun drive?” I inquired, putting two and two together.

“We had limited time,” he dismissed my ridicule, “Surprised you didn’t take the same opportunity.”

I indignantly huffed at his words, preparing to save face in spite of my earlier internal debate and actions, “That’s way different, boss. You and Alex have been doing whatever you’re doing for months, and you’re both twenty. This is like the third time I’ve said anything but ‘sup’ to Sara, and she’s eighteen.”

“But she clearly has a thing for you, and I dunno if you’ve noticed, but you’re not exactly in a position to be picky.”

“I _had_ noticed, dick, and that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go for the first person that shows interest, especially when said person is standing in a goddamn minefield.”

“So you finally caught on?” Alex contributed as she marched over to the couch, with a six-pack, a bag of chips, and a tin of bean dip in tow.

“No thanks to you,” I sighed with exasperation, resting my chin in my hand, “That’s the bone I wanted to pick with you, by the way.”

She shook her head disapprovingly as she distributed our drinks and set out the snacks, “Look, George. We need to get you off the Olivia train by any means possible. Her and Reyna are in too deep, and if Sara is volunteering as tribute, then she’s the best bet. Plus, come on, she’s fuckin’ adorable.”

I gritted my teeth at the assumption that I still had any sort of hang-up on Liv, wanting to mount a defense but not having enough evidence to the contrary. While Seaside had definitely thrown me for a loop in terms of the whole ‘getting over my best friend’ thing, I felt reasonably good about not having any unnecessary feelings for her. Living away from Finley and not having to worry about Liv hooking up with my sister anymore helped a ton, too, but I dunno. If Alex had caught on to some sort of lingering tension, maybe I wasn’t fully in the clear.

There was also the whole Sano situation, too. If anyone else in our group had seen them kissing like I did, there would’ve been an intervention. So why was I still keeping it a secret, months later?

“Maybe you’re right,” I resigned, “But I can’t shake the feeling that it would only complicate things between Liv and—”

_“REYNA!”_

Sara’s blood-curdling screech from upstairs froze our exchange solid, with all of us apprehensively turning towards the staircase. I snapped around to Carson and Alex, who simply sat there looking horrified. Deciding that someone had to check it out, I jumped the couch, finding my footing and preparing to run.

“Be ready to get help,” I stated to the duo as I damn-near jogged to the stairs, ascending with haste.

What I was about to walk in on, I had absolutely no clue, but flashes of events that had started very similarly to this one began to rush in and out of my mind. My mom’s ragged sobbing, Dad’s blood pooling in the aged carpet, the panicked paramedics strapping him to the stretcher. They all screamed through my head as I prayed to whatever higher power there may or may not have been that this would be different.

As I crested the staircase, I picked out Sara’s weeping emanating from the bedroom on the left. I threw the cracked door open to see Sara attempting to shake her sister awake, who was out cold on the floor, with a spotless knife in her hand and the dust of crushed pills lining her nostrils. 

This wasn’t like Dad, this was like Finley. 

I saved her, I can save Reyna.

“Sara, get her up,” I commanded, rushing over to the opposite side of Reyna, “Where’s your bathroom?”

“It’s,” she gasped through her hysteria, “It’s the door in the middle of the hallway.”

I nodded, lifting the cat-eyed wonder single-handedly while Sara followed, likely still attempting to make sense of the horror. Empathising with her, I forgave her helplessness, raising up with Reyna in my arms and kicking both the bedroom and bathroom doors open. I raced to the tub, setting Reyna in with her face underneath the faucet, then turned it on. As I created every possible disturbance in her slumber in an attempt to get her awake, I spun around to Sara.

“Sara, I need you to find her concussion meds and flush them. Then, anything that isn’t Advil or Aspirin. Tell Carson to get my car ready.”

She feverishly shook her head, “Shouldn’t we call nine-one-one? And I don’t know where her concussion medicine is, she never—”

“Sara, listen to me,” I grabbed her shoulder, inadvertently soaking her shirt, “I’ve seen this before. You need to find the meds, and we need to be ready to move. We’re in the middle of nowhere and the ambulance won’t get here in time. We’ll call them when we’re almost there. It’ll all be okay, just go tell Carson.”

“Okay,” she swallowed, turning towards the door into Reyna’s bedroom.

“And Sara,” I made one last addition, knowing the circumstances, “No one tells Olivia.”

She sent me an unsure nod before rushing out the door, leaving me to continue fighting to awaken Reyna.

I pulled off my glasses, leaning in under the faucet, “Reyna. You need to wake up. Everyone’s here and we’re about to start drinking. Come on, I know you want to join us, you raging alcoholic. Why would you do this? I know the headaches aren’t that bad, so why? What would Henderson say? What would your Pops say? What would Olivia say? Come on, I know you better than to give up that easily. When I first met you, you were this five-foot-six, stone cold badass that could hold those stupid forty-five pound horns better than any of the giant dudes. You’re a fighter, VQ, so whatever you’re fighting right now, I need you to win. You don’t have to do it alone, you hear me? We’re all here for you. We’re all right fuckin’ here, waiting for you to wake up.”

I couldn’t tell if the water running down my face had come from the faucet or my eyes, but lack of distinction caused me to begin lightly smacking her face, incidentally on a bruise that looked just like the black eye Olivia had given me back then. She hit Reyna, didn’t she? Even after all that talk about how she didn’t want to be like her old man, Reyna pulled it out of her.

“You dumbasses,” I muttered, bringing my forehead to hers slightly too hard.

The impact surged down and out, inciting a coughing fit from Reyna. I recoiled at the abruptness of it before laughing in relief. I could tell we weren’t out of the woods yet, as her eyelids fluttered but remained closed.

“Reyna, can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me.”

Slow nods followed as I lifted the two of us up and out of the rushing water.

“Was it oxy? Did the doctor give you oxy?”

Another set of laboured nods.

“Fucking idiot. Okay, I’m gonna pick you up, and we’re gonna take you to a hospital, okay?”

One last nod before she began slumping over.

I took that as a sign of waning time as I bench-pressed her back up into a cradle, quickly grabbing my glasses and pressing out into the hallway towards the stairs.

_“Erin…”_ her ragged whisper barely registered.

“Yeah?” I replied, quickly but carefully making my way down the steps.

_“Don’t… don’t tell Liv…”_

I sighed solemnly as my suspicions were confirmed. Descending the steps to see the rest of the gang anxiously awaiting me, I tried to wrap my head around how we would explain this one.

(Thank you to @Kurushima_Kaito on Twitter for this wonderful art of Olivia)


	19. Hurt, Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Ára Bátur by Sigur Rós  
> Cathedral by Thomas Newman  
> Hurt by Eric Whitacre & Trent Reznor
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains explicit scenes of possibly disturbing content that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is highly advised.**

_This chapter of Yamada Daigaku exclusively includes Original Characters. These events are crucial to Reyna’s characterisation, and thusly have been included despite the lack of KyoAni characters and a Japanese setting._

_————————————————————_

_Ára Bátur — Reyna Marten, 1 Year Ago_

_————————————————————_

A symphony of white noise cascading through my mind, tearing through every nervous cell it touched.

A small, white bottle of oxycodone, prescribed by my general practitioner after *** gave me a concussion and eight new scars. 

A pile of white pills.

A pile of white powder.

A white light above my head.

A white light at the end of a tunnel.

A trail of long white hair, following behind a beautiful girl who seemed both so familiar and so foreign.

She turned to me, staring into my soul with a gleaming set of purple eyes first, then envious green eyes next. I knew her name, but my mouth was incapable of sounding it out. 

My throat felt impossibly dry. 

My lungs felt uncomfortably empty.

My head felt unbearingly heavy.

I did this, didn’t I?

I did everything wrong, from the moment I stepped towards Pops and away from my mother.

My real mother. I could still see her face, hear her voice, feel her hands.

Haru. Haruhi? Haruko? Haruna? I don’t remember. Even if I could, it would hurt too much. Way too much. Everything hurt too much.

But the pain would go away soon.

Right?

I heard a voice call out to me from beyond the tunnel. Reyna. My name. The voice was inquisitive first, then concerned, then horrified. Each difference in emotion differed in volume, too, causing my ears to ring and my brain to tremble.

It was too much. I couldn’t take it. I just wanted it to stop. The white noise. The orange hair. The red blood. The green eyes. It was _so_ much, how could anybody handle the stress? I couldn’t, so I decided I wouldn’t. I would go somewhere where nothing was too much. Just for a little while.

It flows through me like rain. 

Heavy rain. A downpour in the emptiness, no clouds to be seen above. I could do nothing to spit out the unending waterfall, so it soaked me through.

It flows through me like rain.

I wasn’t falling asleep, I was just resting my eyes.

I wasn’t lying, I just wasn’t telling the whole truth.

I wasn’t cheating, I was just too afraid of what trusting someone and what being in love would do to me, or what it had done to me.

That wasn’t me. I wasn’t Reyna. I wasn’t VQ. I wasn’t anyone, and no one would miss someone who isn’t anyone.

I was sorry. I was so very sorry. I didn’t want it to end like this, but what other choice did I have? How could I look anyone in the eyes again after what I did? I had been so selfish, so self-indulgent, so scared, so untrustworthy, so indignant, so so so so so so so so so so so so so—

_And ****, no one tells ******._

No one tells who? What are we not telling them? Who was he talking to? Why was his voice so close to me? Who is he? What’s happening? Where am I? Why does my head hurt _so fucking bad?_

_Reyna. You need to wake up. Everyone’s here and we’re about to start drinking. Come on, I know you want to join us, you raging alcoholic. Why would you do this? I know the headaches aren’t that bad, so why? What would ********* say? What would your **** say? What would ****** say? Come on, I know you better than to give up that easily. When I first met you, you were this five-foot-six, stone cold badass that could hold those stupid forty-five pound horns better than any of the giant dudes. You’re a fighter, VQ, so whatever you’re fighting right now, I need you to win. You don’t have to do it alone, you hear me? We’re all here for you. We’re all right fuckin’ here, waiting for you to wake up._

Wasn’t I already awake? How could I not be? If I wasn’t, was this all just a dream? If it was just a dream, then how long had it been going on? Did I still have to face the consequences of my actions, or were those part of the dream too? I couldn’t tell, not here. There was nothing here. I was alone in a cold, bright, warm, dark world. The rain was intermittent but still flowing.

_You dumbasses…_

fffffffFFFFFFFUCK

The world around me rushed past at an alarming rate as I screamed through the tunnel and into the bathtub, with Erin’s face mere centimetres from mine and his forehead slammed against me. The dryness in my throat struggled to expel itself as the downpour of the faucet rushed in past his head. I felt him jump back, laughing so genuinely and earnestly that just for a moment, I felt like I could trust him with every secret I’d ever had.

_Reyna, can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me._

It hurt so much to move even that much, but I trusted him more than I’d trusted anyone in my short life. 

I was dying, and he was trying to save me. I thought I wanted to die, but it hurt _so fucking much_ to die, so much more than it hurt to live. I had to trust him if I wanted the pain to stop.

Gravity struggled to yank me down as he lifted me up and out of the rapids.

_Was it oxy? Did the doctor give you oxy?_

It hurt to respond, and it hurt even more to recall why he knew exactly what I had done. I remembered bits and pieces of ***’s stories about his sister, and how she had tried the same thing.

I guess I wasn’t that original in my methods.

_Fucking idiot. Okay, I’m gonna pick you up, and we’re gonna take you to a hospital, okay?_

Who’s we?

Was she here?

Was *** here?

Please, for the love of everything that may or may not be holy, please don’t let her be here.

The fear began to consume me as I sunk back down into the blinding white light, the stark black tunnel, and the **unbearable pain**.

I couldn’t go. Not yet. I had one more thing I needed to do. One more thing I needed to say. One more thing I needed to remember.

What was his name?

“Erin…” I felt a weak rasp escape my throat, which now felt miles away.

_Yeah?_

What was her name? Why was I so afraid of her? Who was she? What did I do to her? What did she do to me? What was her name?

What was her name?

Was her name…

Her name…

Her name was…

Her name was what?

Olivia. Liv.

Her name was Liv.

“Don’t… don’t tell Liv…”

The little grasp that remained on reality faded away as I fell back through the tunnel, drifting into that cold, bright, warm, dark world.

The very last thing I saw was a face. I couldn’t discern it, or make out any of the details. No hair colour, no eye colour, no skin colour. Nothing.

As far as I could determine, the face wasn’t anyone. It was no one.

_————————————————————_

“Reyna, wake up honey. It’s almost breakfast time. Your father is making your favourite: omelettes.”

Mom’s warm voice crept through the seams of my blissful slumber, with promises of omelettes that made the disturbance refreshing instead of frustrating. I rolled over in my weighted comforters, my eyelids slowly drifting open to see her face only a foot from my own. Her eyes, which had made so many people fear her on account of their starkly opposing colours and downward slant, made me feel understood, and at home. Her warm smile beckoned me to reach out, grabbing her cheek with my childlike hands.

“You’re so sweet,” she laughed, raising up and out of reach, “But I’m not helping you this time. You have to get up by yourself.”

I whinged, my groggy state almost making the significantly higher pitch of my voice not concerning, “But Mamaaa, I’m so very tired. Please?”

“Honey, you have to be able to get up on your own. Big girls don’t need their mommy’s help to get up in the morning. Don’t you want to be a big girl?”

“Yeah,” I pouted, accepting her point and pushing the comforters off my miniature body. Taken aback by the sight, I examined myself for a moment, noticing the absence of my tattoos, underdeveloped features, and the addition of frilly pajamas speckled with black cats. I reached up to my head, feeling that puffy, bob-cut style that I used to always have in my childhood.

Mom then rose all the way to her feet, towering over me, “I’m proud of you. Now, I’m gonna go wake up Dante. You go ahead and head downstairs.”

“Okay Mamma.”

Following her instructions, I jumped a decent height down from my bed, with the worn, aged carpet of my room wasting no time in wriggling it’s way between my toes. Displeased with the sensation, I jumped right back onto my bed, then pulled my nightstand shelf open to acquire socks. After equipping proper foot protection, I planted my feet back into the carpet and journeyed out of my room, smelling the irresistible scent of Dad’s cooking. I struggled to contain my enthusiasm as I raced down the stairs, leaning on the wall for support.

“Mi Reyna, is that you?” Dad’s silky voice radiated out from just beyond the bottom of the stairs, exciting me even more and encouraging me to skip a few stair steps on my way down.

I giggled heartily, unable to contain my pure happiness, “Daddy, you’re really home!”

After an arduous journey, I finally reached the base of the staircase, absorbing the therapeutic view of my childhood home in the summer. My father stood just before me in the kitchen, with his favourite ‘besas el concinero' apron tied haphazardly around his waist, and a gaze of pure content settled on me. Elated at his return, I ran to him as fast as my little legs could carry me. He swiftly intercepted me, lifting me off the ground and into his arms with little effort.

“Where have you been, Daddy?” I interrogated, growing playfully stern with him, just like every time he had been gone for a while. As I stared upon his face at eye-level, I noticed a new scar had adorned his left temple, breaking the flow of his rough, caramel skin with a crooked, pinkish line.

He sighed with exhaustion, clearly wanting to say but denying himself that liberation, “I went on a business trip, mi Reyna. I’d love to tell you all about it someday, pero, that day is not today.”

I crossed my arms and pursed my lip at him, to which he was taking none of my attitude. In one fell swoop, he shifted his grip on me to support me with one hand and mercilessly tickle me with the other. As much as I wanted to remain upset with him, the laughter poured out of me. Once a smile had been plastered on my face for a satisfactory amount of time, he set me down in my chair, returning to his work on our breakfast.

“How was your first month of school?” he inquired as he deftly switched between the array of pans.

“It was lonely,” I whined once more, setting my chin on the second-hand table and melting into it, “All of the other kids are scared of me, and this one boy told me my eyes were creepy.”

I could feel the sadness welling inside of him for not being there to help me through it, “They’re probably just jealous that their eyes are boring. Don’t listen to them, mija. People are afraid of people that are different from them, but with enough time, they will realise that you aren’t different. You’re just like them, but with cooler eyes.”

As I processed his words, more questions arose than answers, “But what if I am really different from them, Daddy? They’re all whiter than me, and they all have the same names. In just my class, there’s three boys named Josh.”

“Those are surface-level differences,” he elaborated, spinning around with my omelette in hand, “Underneath our skin, down into our souls, we’re all made of the same stuff.”

“What are people made of?”

My last question struck a strange cord with him, as his gaze shot past me and into the distance. I knew that he would have unusual episodes like that from time to time, but I had never been able to trigger one so easily. At that moment, I felt immensely guilty for saying anything.

“Daddy?”

He snapped out of it as quickly as he was sucked in, shaking his head out and laughing nervously, “Caray, you’re little miss twenty questions this morning, huh? Go ahead and start on your omelette, mija, it’s going to get cold.”

I shrunk into my chair at his words. Every time he got home, I felt like I had to tiptoe around him for at least a week, but this time felt different. He was more on edge than ever, and the sudden flip between moods scared me. I made a promise to myself to watch my words around him, and probably to everyone else while I was at it.

Before I could reach my fork, my whole body went completely limp, and I lost any control over it that I had previously had. I slumped over the table, miraculously missing the plate and not smushing the omelette. As I laid there, barely even conscious anymore, my mother appeared from the staircase. Instead of reacting to my sudden loss of motor control, she just wordlessly stood, staring blankly, as if she was waiting for me to snap out of it. My father joined her, watching.

“Mamma,” I managed a panicked mumble, “Daddy. What’s going on? Why can’t I move?”

_I think she’s waking up._

“Who was that? Who’s there?”

Their eyes increased in number as they began to surround me, bearing down with immense weight and pressure. I wanted to scream, terrified of what was happening and what was about to happen, but no sound came out.

My childhood home collapsed around me. My father disappeared, and my mother turned her back to me, but I could still feel the eyes.

I was back in the blank world, but I wouldn’t be there for long, as the tunnel slowly carried me up and out.

My eyelids erratically fluttered open, revealing the stark, sterile atmosphere of a hospital room, and the eyes finally revealing themselves. Whether standing or sitting, I was beset on all sides. Sara to my far left, Alex next to her, Erin on my right, and just beyond him…

Her name was Liv.

My eyes were open, but fuzzy. Blurred. I felt like I could barely make out anything other than rudimentary shapes and a smattering of colours, but I could still perfectly make out who was who and where they were in reference to me.

I was back. I was awake. I was alive.

“Reyna,” Sara quietly pried, “Are you okay? Should I go get a nurse?”

I didn’t care about a goddamn nurse. I had something to say. Something I had to say now that I had all of the time in the world.

“Olivia,” I called her name, raspy and ragged but stern as I could manage.

She sheepishly returned my stare, “Reyna…”

“You were right. I’m going to Japan.”

The aura of relief at my awakening quickly turned after my statement, now confused and apprehensive. I didn’t care.

“Sara,” I pressed on with little concern, painfully remembering what I fully expected to be my final moments, “Do you remember when Medina asked Pops that question about the last face you see when you think you’re about to die?”

Sara worriedly furrowed her brow at me, “Yeah.”

I hesitated for a moment, shaking my head and pursing my lips before I concluded my recollection:

“I didn’t see anyone. I saw no one…”

The room fell uncomfortably silent as my soundless tears began to flow.

_————————————————————_

_Cathedral — Mia Shields, Tuesday_

_————————————————————_

“How the hell did you tear it? I thought this stuff was supposed to be rip-stop,” I chided Alex as I fiddled with the detached strap of her uniform’s overalls.

“Well, I didn’t tear the strap, did I?” she irreverently jested, with her euphonium hand shooting up and nearly slamming into me, “It’s the seam between the strap and the pants.”

As the strap tumbled between my fingers, I found the torn threads in question at the end, where it should’ve been attached. Not having a permanent fix, I reached into the tour admin’s standard-issue go-bag, fishing out two of my hundreds of emergency safety pins. Then, I aligned the strap with the uniform, clipping the two together with said safety pins, then patted them into her upper chest for good measure.

I sighed with relief at the temporary fix, “That should hold for the show. Put your name on the uniform adjustment list tomorrow, Melanie will stitch it back together before Allentown this weekend.”

“You’re a blessing, Mamma Mia,” she remarked, rolling around her left shoulder to test the fit.

“I’m only here because I have nothin’ better to do with my summers.”

“Where would we be without your motherly instincts and problem-solving? I smell a ‘tour admin of the year’ award at the banquet.

“Hey,” I interrupted the non-consequential conversation to bring around the elephant in the room, “Have you heard from Reyna recently? She hasn’t been postin’ much or calling me about her problems in the past two weeks.”

She huffed, likely in disappointment of me becoming Reyna’s confidant instead of her, “Not since that call on the Denver free day. I didn’t even hear from her while we were in Texas. That was the part that worried me.”

Carson, who was standing right next to her, chimed in while inspecting his trumpet, “Can you two not do this right before warm-up? Save it for after, we need to flip the switch.”

“Who are we, the Recruits?” Alex teased her inspection lineup partner, lightly shoving him, “Keep it light. Relaxed mind, relaxed show.”

“No, he has a point. We aren’t the only three people in this parking lot. Reyna has been on a lot of the corps’ mind recently, especially in reference to…” I sided with the surfer blond for a moment before I trailed off, not wanting to say Olivia and Reyna’s names in the same sentence.

Ever since word of Olivia and Reyna’s farewell had gotten to the hornline, the rumours couldn’t help but get around. The worst part was that denying them would be lying. I knew the others from Rasgado made no effort to keep their mouths shut, but the topics of a former tuba member being a serial cheater and the current mellophone section leader being abusive were not good for cohesion and morale. It pissed me off that they weren’t looking at the big picture, and sowing discord for no better reason than clout.

The bad vibes since then had been leaking into our scores, too. It’s almost as if they wanted to sabotage the season’s otherwise forward momentum.

“I’m worried about her, guys,” Alex commented quietly, “The last time she went this quiet was right before—”

“Alex,” Carson cut her off, piquing my interest.

I cocked my head, “Right before what?”

Alex glanced between me and Carson, wanting to elaborate but being discouraged by Carson’s disdainful glare.

“This is about when she was in the hospital, isn’t it?” I furrowed my brow, still suspicious of why no one gave me a clear cut answer about that specific sequence of events.

Neither of them denied it, earning an exasperated sigh from me. Swiftly after that dead end, I caught one of the drum majors headed my way. As she removed her shako, I turned to her, ready for another request for a quick uniform repair.

“Mia,” Megan spoke in her proper manner, the way she always sounded in uniform, “Olivia’s not in line, and the staff is away to find our warm-up zone. Can you go look for her?”

Alex and Carson skeptically glanced towards one another, causing me to grow increasingly more irritated with them. It probably wasn’t fair of me to judge them so harshly for having unsavoury feelings on Olivia’s less-than-ideal mental state as of late, but I couldn’t help but be upset with them for fuelling the fire. No matter what she did or how she was acting, she was still or fucking friend and she needed our support.

“Yeah,” I acknowledged, “Keep your phone on you, I’ll text or call you when I find her.”

Megan nodded, donning her shako and returning to the front of the line. Now tasked with something significantly less tedious than applying safety pins, I rushed down the line of brass players in half-uniform down towards the buses. It was equally as likely that she was in the restroom by the stadium, but I had the gut desire to check the buses first. Trusting said gut, I continued down, sharing a glance with Erin as I passed the tubas. Just from that split-second look, I could tell that there was something going on and I should probably be moving faster than a saunter.

Now speed-walking past the rows of uniforms, I finally rounded the line and course-corrected for the brass bus, finding the door ajar and the driver absent. Wearily stepping inside, the stench of bus life crashed into me, along with the familiar sound of sniffles and whimpers emanating from the back. Cresting the staircase, I found the top of Olivia’s signature orange ponytail peeking above one of the seats, recognising that the noises were originating from her.

Staying silent and mentally preparing myself to console her, I tiptoed down the cluttered aisle towards her. After I nearly tripped on a rogue gatorade bottle, she jumped back and peeked over the seat, finding me with ease. I took note of the swollen bags under her eyes, coming to the conclusion that she’d probably been crying since we arrived at the show site, and making a mental note to kick Erin’s ass for not saying anything about it. I’d expect it to be common courtesy to tell someone if your seat partner is going through emotional turmoil, but I guess I was wrong.

We locked eyes for the remainder of my trek to her, with me finding a seat across the aisle from her when I finally arrived. Likely becoming insecure, she attempted to wipe her eyes and slow her waterworks, but the shakes just kept coming. I then noticed her phone in her hands, with her finger floating over the contact information for Reyna.

“Liv,” I carefully pried, extending a hand to her, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

She shook her head at nobody in particular, coughing before speaking, “I can’t fucking do this anymore, Mia. I can’t go on like this. I need to go home.”

“Slow down. What’s wrong right now?”

“I…” she sniffled, swiping over to her mail app, tapping on a recent email, and handing me the device, “I got this when we arrived.”

I accepted the phone, looking down onto the screen to see the cause of this breakdown. The sender was Reyna’s email address, the subject was labelled ‘I Promised,’ and in the body was an mp3 file entitled ‘ _Exit Music in Its Right Place_.’ Other than the tattoos they had of those songs, I knew next to nothing about the significance they held to the separated couple, or why Reyna composing a compilation of both would send Olivia into this state.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to speculate, as Olivia began elaborating, “A few years ago, right after her and Erin hooked up, we met up on the cliff back home and tried to talk things out. While we were up there, we listened to her playlist and _Everything in Its Right Place_ came on. Then, she thanked me for showing her it and _Exit Music_ , then promised me that before she died, she’d write a compilation of the two.”

“So,” I muttered as I struggled to fit the pieces of the puzzle together, “You think that she’s plannin’ on dying soon?”

“Yes. Just like after Haley.”

“After Haley? HP?”

Olivia peered up through her damp eyelashes at me, realising her words and instinctually covering her mouth.

I furrowed my brow, recognising that now probably wasn’t the time but becoming too fed up to care, “Alright, enough is enough. Why was Reyna in the hospital? What is no one tellin’ me? And what does that have to do with right now?”

“Please don’t make me say it.”

“You’re gonna have to at some point.”

“She tried to— she tried to kill herself.”

I recoiled at the words, simultaneously shocked at how they managed to keep that a secret, furious that they did, and disappointed that I didn’t piece it together sooner. My hand cradled my chin as the dots connected, and I began to internally worry myself. Externally, I stayed stoic in an attempt to keep Olivia calm.

“So you think she’s gonna try again?” I inquired, doing my best to say it without being completely robotic.

“Why?” she answered with her own question, “Why would she? Was it too much? Is there anything I could have—”

I brought my hand to her shoulder, “Olivia, listen to me. I don’t mean to downplay your concern, but I honestly don’t think she’d go that far again. Even if she is, you said her and Sano reconnected, right? Tell Sano and ask her to go help her. We both know she’ll do whatever you ask.”

Her eyes widened at the proposition, with her swiftly snatching the phone from my other hand and swiping to her contacts. Within a matter of seconds, she had the device to her ear, impatiently waiting and rubbing her eyes once more. She remained like that for some time, with her eyes drifting to the floor of the bus as the dial tone continued.

“Sano, I don’t know what time it is over there, but I need your help. Please, I need you to find Reyna. She finished the song, the one I told you about. Please, if you can, find her and stop her. I don’t know what I can do to pay you back, but I will. Please.”

As her hand fell down into her lap, she started aggressively sobbing once more, batting the unending tears away to no avail. Unable to keep my tour admin persona on, I hopped across the aisle and took her into my arms. She reciprocated, grabbing at my shirt and burying her face into my shoulder and wailing into the fabric. My own eyes began to pool as I pondered the possibilities, but I fought them, knowing that this wasn’t about me. I needed to help her, and crying for myself wouldn’t help a goddamn thing.

“Why, Olivia,” I implored, keeping her close, “Why did you have to hit her? We all know that cheatin’ is wrong and she’s either a jackass or a dumbass for doin’ it, but that doesn’t make beatin’ the shit out of her right.”

She mumbled through her tears and coughing, “I wish I hadn’t. I don’t know why I did. I was… I was just so afraid of her leaving me, and so upset with her for betraying my trust. I thought she loved me as much as I loved her. I thought I was hers and she was mine, but she’s not that simple. It never was between us, and I fucked it up as much as she did. I just really want to see her again, Mia. I don’t want her to kill herself because of me.”

“Sano will get to her,” I assured her and myself, “She has to.”

Having no other words to comfort her, I simply remained in the embrace, carefully fishing my phone out of my pocket with one hand and texting Megan.

_Olivia isn’t performing_

_Tell Dakota to do the solo tonight_

Now feeling comfortable with letting go of my responsibilities, I allowed myself to shed a few quiet tears and prayed to whatever powers that be that either Olivia was wrong, or Sano would get to Reyna in time.

_————————————————————_

_Hurt — Kairi Sano, Tuesday_

_————————————————————_

She finished the song.

My legs began furiously cramping in every useful muscle possible and I internally cussed myself out for not staying in shape over the past year. Fighting the pain, I continued sprinting as fast as I could towards Reyna’s apartment. At my speed, it was hard to tell where I was or how far I’d gotten from my own apartment, but the passage of time from then was clear. 

The sun hung low in the sky, threatening to creep past the horizon. I had no idea how much time I had, or if I even had any left, but I couldn’t give in. If I remembered Olivia’s story about the song and what Reyna said correctly, then I had to prevent it.

I hated that I had to be the one to do so, at that. I knew all well and good that this was likely my goddamn fault. She’d been nosediving since I blew up in front of everyone during that meeting, and I just watched it happen, and let Shino inadvertently make it worse. Just another event to add to my long list of regretful actions, I suppose.

I just couldn’t stand seeing her necklace around Tsumugi’s neck, and not around…

This is no time to be thinking about that.

My hyperventilation grew stronger and faster as I rounded the street corner parallel to the river and caught a raven-haired girl standing alone on the bridge, facing away. From a distance, it was impossible to discern who it could have been, but by the way she looked directly into the river below, I didn’t feel like it could have been anyone else. The silhouette looked wrong, though. There was no silver ponytail, no pearl hat, and no self-assured posture. Instead, the figure was bare-headed, with a short, black lob cut, and was slumped over the guard rail.

It was her, right?

Out of sheer inability to continue running along with my growing confusion, I slowed my pace to a jog as I closed in on the destination. Now close enough to examine further, I scanned her figure. The unrealistically thick thighs and great rump had me convinced until I noticed a tattoo wrapping around her right leg. Reyna didn’t have a thigh tattoo, did she? 

At last, I reached the bridge, still undecided on whether the figure was her or not, seeing black sleeves where I’d usually find her forearm tattoos. As if to answer my questions, she pulled a half-finished cigarette from her mouth and flicked it into the river beneath. After a deep breath following that motion, she brought a leg up to the middle bar and propped her foot up on it, pushing her weight up on the top bar as she went to do the same with the next leg.

No. No fucking way.

“REYNA!”

The scream escaped my mouth before I had a chance to realise the urge to do so. Seeing it had no effect, I sprung back into action, burning on empty but still blasting forth towards her.

As her left leg began to reach above the railing, I finally reached her, bear-hugging her waist and pulling her away from the edge. Likely shocked by the sudden contact, she kicked and pushed, sending us both to the ground. As we impacted the concrete, the entirety of her body weight slammed into me, with her earbuds flying out. She instantly jumped away from me and spun around, staring at me in utter bewilderment as we ‘sat’ across from each other on the sidewalk. The song radiated from the castaway earbuds as we stared silently for a time

_What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend,_

_Everyone I know goes away in the end._

_You could have it all,_

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

Her eyes seemed so wrong. All personality I’d gleaned from her since she got to Japan was absent, leaving only an external shell of Reyna Marten with nothing occupying it. She was all wrong, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible.

After some time, she deflectively chuckled, averting her eyes, “Nice glasses, four-eyes. Olivia called you, didn’t she?”

“She did,” I replied honestly, entirely unsure of how to approach this fucked situation.

“I should’ve known,” she grabbed onto the railing to pull herself to her feet, retrieving her earbuds and pocketing them, “It _had_ to be you.”

“Reyna,” I cut through her meaningless commentary, electing to take the blunt approach, “Why were you climbing over the railing?”

She glanced my way as I found my footing, then returned her listless gaze to the setting sun, “I figured I’d go away for a while, at least until things died down.”

“By jumping off a bridge into the river?”

She didn’t respond, didn’t even flinch. I inched closer.

“Why,” I forced myself to ask the obvious, “Why would you do that?”

“Why not? I don’t want to be here anymore, and I can’t go home, so what do I do?”

“Not jump off of a bridge?”

She adopted a stern tone, “Then what should I do?”

As much as I would like to have an answer, I didn’t have one.

“If you don’t know, then why would you stop me?” she interrogated, becoming more aggressive than despondent.

“Because I don’t want you to die?”

She scoffed, “Fuck you.”

“Reyna,” I contended, “I’m sorry for blowing up at the reunion, I don’t know what—”

“Stop. I have nothing to forgive you for, and even if I did, I wouldn’t.”

Two weeks ago, I could’ve pinned down exactly where she was coming from and why she was acting the way she was, but she seemed like a different person now. I had no strategy for getting into her head and progressing this exchange. I felt helpless. Why did I even want to help her if this is how I was going to be received?

“Please, just tell me why,” I nearly pleaded, flipping around to rest my back on the guard rails.

She continued deflecting, “Why what?”

“Reyna,”

“Say it.”

“Why would you try to kill yourself?”

“Because I hate this,” her hands tensed, gripping the top rail so hard I thought she’d tear right through, “I hate you, I hate Japan, I hate Olivia, I hate Kapareno, I hate Houkago Tea Time, I hate the Outriders, I hate everything, I hate everyone, and I especially hate myself. No matter how many times it gets thrown in my face that I’m an absolute piece of shit, I run away. I don’t know how to do anything else. I don’t know how to fix my problems, with my friends or with myself. I thought that maybe if I could fix Houkago Tea Time that I’d learn how to fix my own bullshit, but that was a delusion. There’s no fixing me, and I can’t fix what I’ve done. There’s no other choice. I was born broken, and there’s no fix for that. You were right to call me out. I need to just disappear.”

There was too much there for me to respond to any of it, and nothing I could say that wouldn’t end up sounding hypocritical. Unsure, I just stood there and sighed, feeling increasingly useless.

“Please say something,” her anger began to dissipate, her glare training on me and softening.

“I don’t know what to say to you,” I conveyed, slouching into the cold bars, “I hate myself too, and I don’t know why I haven’t tried to die, too. I’ve certainly thought about it, but I don’t know what keeps me here.”

She sighed heavily, slumping over the rails once more, sending her sights back down to the river, “Why did you have to remind me?”

“Because I couldn’t stand it.”

Her head lightly shook at my words as she reached for her missing ponytail. Unable to fiddle with the nonexistent, she descended to her knees, crumpling into herself and beginning to tremble, whether with rage or sorrow, I wasn’t sure.

“Go home, Sano,” she muttered, “Just tell Liv you were too late. Let me have control over at least this.”

“No,” I promptly denied her, “I can’t just let you die.”

“I’ve given nothing, to anyone, in my entire life, I’ve only ever taken. I’m a parasite and as long as I’m around, I’ll continue taking and being toxic for anyone around me.”

“Shut up,” I fell to my knees towards her, grabbing her shoulders with both hands, “You are not a parasite. Sure, you’ve fucked up, but we all have, but that doesn’t mean we have to die. That doesn’t mean we should die. You have to keep going, because believe it or not, even the people that you’ve fucked over wouldn’t be able to live with themselves if you died. So stop this pity party and wake up. This isn’t you.”

“What do you know about me?” she growled, attempting to shake off my hands, “We talked for a collective ten minutes a year ago, and all you’ve done since I got here is make my life a living hell, and for what? Just so you could be my knight in shining armour when I get to the natural conclusion of all that abuse? You don’t even know what really happened between me and Liv, only what she told you because you were the only person around to listen to her. Now fucking let go of me.”

Alright, fine. I can work with that.

“You’re probably right, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you,” I finally started to figure out my strategy to solve this nightmare, “I wish I didn’t have to hurt you to have you, but I had to get Mugi away from you. I can’t let you die because you’re mine, remember? I love you, Reyna Marten, and I’m not going home until you promise me you won’t try to kill yourself.”

A hateful grimace overtook her face as she tried to shove me away once more, “Fuck that twisted logic. I don’t owe anything to you, and you have no power over me anymore. You played your hand, now leave me alone.”

“No,” I pulled her into an embrace, which she began struggling against.

“Let me go!” she demanded as her breathing started to ramp up and tears welled up in her deadened eyes, “Let me— please, I don’t— Sano!”

I tensed up, mentally flogging myself for what I knew I had to do next.

“It’ll feel better in a minute.”

Instantaneously, her scrambling ended and she went limp, giving way to her waterworks pooling and her entire body spasming. Her cries of objection turned into hushed gasps and laboured hyperventilation.

“I fucking hate you,” she managed to get the words out before bursting into tears and latching onto me like a frightened child. It was the tightest anyone had ever held on to me, and I couldn’t have felt worse about it.

I gently raised her up to a standing position while we were wrapped up in each other, “I can’t let you die. So don’t. I don’t care what it takes.”

“… okay.”

We remained in each other’s arms for some time, with my grip subconsciously tightening as I realised that this was the closest we’d been since that first Tuesday. As she released her arms, I obliged by following suit. Taking a few steps away to create a safe distance between the two of us, I examined her once more.

_She had an almond complexion paired with a smattering of moles and a midnight mane that she was now wearing in a flowing shoulder-high cut blowing in the gentle wind. Around her neck hung an array of triangular charms, the ones from The Outriders Drum and Bugle Corps. I knew she was just another broken girl, like me, but her sleeves hiding her tattoos, missing piercings, and loose attire obscuring her slender build struck me as particularly damaged and depressing. I thought I was lying when I told her I loved her, but when her heterochromatic eyes met mine, I knew._

“I’m going to walk you home,” I stated, averting my eyes and staring off into the distance.

She disappeared into herself once more, probably too overstimulated to think properly anymore.

“I suppose you can.”

(Thank you to @_ohreos on Twitter for this wonderful art of Sano with her new/old glasses)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharo / The Major here,
> 
> I unfortunately have to announce a hiatus on this series until 2021. You all know the holidays and how busy they can get, and unfortunately I don’t see myself being able to produce chapters I can be proud of under those circumstances.
> 
> I will, however, be continuing work on Tsukanoma no Shunkan since that’s significantly less stressful to write. I’m also exploring a few ideas for one-offs based on Hololive (I fell down the hole), so keep an eye out for those if that interests you.
> 
> I sincerely apologise if this is a series you look forward to, but I promise I’ll return to it by the first Wednesday/Thursday of 2021. I promised myself I’d finish this out, I just don’t feel like I can do that well at the moment.
> 
> Thank you for your continued support, and if you don’t read Shunkan or aren’t interested in Hololive, I’ll see you in 2021!


	20. Vanishing Act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Vanishing Act by Lou Reed  
> Feeling Whitney by Post Malone
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains themes of trauma that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

I don’t think I got even a minute of peaceful sleep all night.

The spiteful sun had begun to shine through the blinds of the unfamiliar apartment room, missing me and my bedfellow entirely, instead lining the door of his closet right ahead of me. I had grown content with the sensation of his scrawny arms wrapped around me, despite the unavoidable thoughts of how long it had been since I was the little spoon dancing in and out of my head. Failing to recall how I ended up in this situation, I instead stared blankly into oblivion, desperately trying not to think about why I couldn’t sleep last night.

Despite my best efforts, my mind wandered to what I could remember of my horrific nightmares. Whether they included Tsumugi, Kairi, Olivia, Haley, Gabi, Erin, or fucking Devon, even sleep held no respite for Reyna Marten, or Suzuka Reyna, as I’d began telling others. What was the point of sticking with the name of someone who’d hurt so many people, anyway?

Not that Suzuka Reyna was any better of a person. I didn’t even know who the fuck she was or what her goals were. I just knew that it was better hearing her name instead of my own.

As I came out of my trance to the tune of whatshisface’s leg nudging one of my own, I began wondering if it would be rude to escape, or if I even cared. All I could remember of last night was going to a bar to avoid going home just to have Kairi or Shino breathe down my neck and watch my every movement. Worse still was the pitying glances from Kanna and Midori, who had only heard the CliffsNotes’ version of what had been going on with me since Tuesday.

I don’t even fucking know what day it was today, nor did I have the desire to check.

After arriving at the bar, I remembered getting quickly buzzed, and ending up with a conversation with this lanky, blond-haired, dead-eyed guy that seemed to be having just as good of a night as me. Kazuto? Kazuma? Kazuki? I couldn’t recall his first name for the life of me, but I knew for sure that his last name was Shimada. I think.

Then once we’d hit it off, I got comfortable enough to black out, and now here I was, waking up in what I assumed was his apartment, in a bed with him, with his arms around me, and an aching feeling in my nethers that I’d only felt on two other occasions. My tolerance for straight sex always completely evaporated the morning after having it, until enough time had passed for me to forget how wildly sore it left all of me.

Deciding that waiting for him to wake up wasn’t how I wanted to spend yet another hour of my morning, I haphazardly flung myself out of the blankets and comforters, swiftly acquiring my clothes and phone, then finding the bathroom. Once inside, I wandered around the tiled interior, placing my clothes in a raised place and planting myself on the shower stool. I then fiddled with the various cranks and knobs until a satisfactorily frigid downpour struck me, giving me one of the few shock-to-your-system sensations that still supplied me with dopamine.

As I angled and contorted myself to get every possible corner of my body wet, I ran my hands along my least favourite additions. The eight scars on my back, while a fun sight, still gave me such body-horror flashbacks that would likely take years to shake, if I ever did. My right leg still burned with every touch, with the inked-in barbed wire feeling so similar to the real thing that I wondered if I had accidentally conjured real wire in my many stick-and-poke sessions since the fight at Yamada.

Lastly, I ruffled my eerily shortened hair, no longer able to form my signature ponytail, by design. I knew for a goddamn fact that the split ends in the back still clung to a little bit of silver, but I never bothered to check. Making a mental note, I elected to find a good hair-stylist somewhere nearby and get what was left clipped by a professional. Might as well make the full commitment to shedding everything that made me myself for the past few months.

The one thing I couldn’t shake was my tattoos, which hatefully stared at me and everyone around any time I didn’t cover them up. I’d gotten pretty good at hiding them recently, whether it be lazily with some compression sleeves, or skilfully with a light hoodie that left none the wiser. In any case, I distanced myself from any traits I had attributed as unique to myself, chasing some far-off notion that I could ever go back to blending in and disappearing into a crowd.

Lifting up from the stool to start up the bath, I felt my soaked necklace pull down on my neck, reminding me that there were some things I didn’t want to recede from. Some things I had to continue to remind myself of, day in and day out. My sins had to stand if I was ever going to improve.

Did I even want to improve, anymore? My current circumstances spoke to a return to form, but who fucking knew for sure? If I didn’t even know, how could anyone else?

I absent-mindedly continued through my morning routine, clicking the shower knobs closed, grabbing my phone, slinking into the still-filling tub, and opening the device. I had ignored so many notifications in the past few days that the red circles adorning my apps had become part of them, with any trace of guilt for doing so being unsurprisingly absent. Still, I stared at the messages, feeling equally comforted and guilt-ridden by the array of worried messages from home.

_Are you okay?_

_If you need to talk abt it, I’m always here for you_

_Reyna, please answer me._

I couldn’t. Not yet. I wasn’t strong enough. Until I was, I kept running. It’s what I was best at, anyways.

My mind couldn’t bear it anymore. Sinking deeper and deeper into my self-pity, I distracted myself by singing a quiet ballad, something that had quickly become a bath time ritual whenever I didn’t want to think anymore.

“It must be nice to disappear,

To have a vanishing act,

To always be looking forward,

And never looking back.

How nice it is to disappear,

Float into a mist,

With a young lady on your arm,

Looking for a kiss.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. They silently poured out of me for the nth time in the past few weeks, finally of my own accord. The exasperated sighs and indignant groans leaked out as I failed to breathe correctly, and I scrolled through my phone to find Pops’ contact information. My finger hovered over the call button before I decided to bide my time and at least wait until the faucet stopped running.

Whether or not I waited, I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t stand any of this anymore. All I could do was yearn to go home while everyone was still away on tour, giving me a few weeks to think about my mistakes and figure out a path forward. As of that moment, I had no path forward, nothing to look forward to, or at least nothing that stood out to me.

It all just felt missing. I felt empty, more empty than I had ever felt before.

As the water level reached the middle of my bicep, I craned backwards to turn the knob closed, allowing the relative quiet of the room to settle before I grasped the device once more. I mentally prepared myself for any of the possible outcomes and comebacks he could throw at me, recognising that he probably wouldn’t just let me come home without first giving him a good reason. Realistically, I didn’t have much, but I had to try.

I caught my breath, pressed the call button, and put the phone to my ear, letting the dial tone carry me into what came next.

_“Reyna? H-How are you? You haven’t called since you left, is everything alright?”_ he began in earnest, leaving me guilty for only texting him in nearly a month’s time.

“Not really,” I let out a shaky sigh, “But I need a moment before I can open up about that. Please tell me about how home has been first.”

I could feel his concern through the speaker as he obliged, _“Yeah, being alone in the house has been strange. It’s the first time since you and Sara came around that I’ve been home and lonely in a long time. Thankfully, I’m getting sent on assignment soon, but I won’t be back before the season ends and Sara gets back.”_

“She’ll probably be fine, I’m sure she’ll have some people stay over to keep things interesting.”

It was his turn to sigh, _“Reyna, a bit has happened since you left, and I need to tell you now before anything else happens.”_

“Pops, you’re kinda scaring me,” I relayed, subconsciously bundling up in the tub.

_“I’m having the house renovated while I’m away, so Sara is coming to Japan to stay with you for the time—”_

“No,” I cut him off, “No, I can’t— I was literally calling you because I need to come home. Don’t send her here, please.”

He hesitated before he continued, _“I had a feeling that’s what this would be about. I heard from Sara that you gave everyone a panic attack, but not much else. I’m sorry about whatever happened, and that I’m not there for you, but I need you to be strong, okay? I tried to see if Lena would take her in for the time, but they can’t, so I need—”_

“Lena? Lena Hago? Since when were you and Olivia’s mom on a first name basis?”

_“Like I said, a bit has happened since you left. I’ve already talked it out with Chitan—”_

“You’re fucking kidding me,” I laughed in shock of what I was hearing.

_“No, I’m not,”_ his aggravated, stern tone took over, _“I know how this will make you feel, but I can’t sugarcoat it, and you need to make your peace with it. You’re a lot stronger and a lot smarter than you’ve been acting recently, and now more than ever, you have to snap out of it. Whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone in it, so stop making yourself alone. You’re staying in Japan, Sara is going to stay with you while the house is being renovated, and when you get home next year, the Hagos will be living with us. Lena and I have been dating and I want her to move in. I understand you and Olivia haven’t had the best go of it, and you don’t have to live with her if you don’t want to, but until one of you moves out, that will be the situation.”_

Out of self-preservation, I shut down. I could believe what I was hearing. None of it registered, and now more than ever, I wish Kairi wouldn’t have stopped me on that bridge, but I knew I wasn’t brave enough to try again. 

Why was any of this happening? Why did life feel the need to continuously kick me down? Was what I did, who I’d become, really so heinous that I needed to be sent to hell to atone? I know I fucked up, but how could I recover in these conditions? I had no idea, and I couldn’t think of a path forward where I could figure any of it out.

_“Reyna?”_

“Okay,” I resigned, not having the energy to fight him, “I’ll talk it out with Kanna and Midori.”

_“Good. I’m sorry to be so hard on you, but a lot is happening and I can only do my best to keep it running smoothly. So please, do your best, too. If you’re still not feeling right by the time I get back to Kapareno, I’ll book a flight for you that night, but that will be at least a month from now. Until then, you’ve got to hold out. I know you can.”_

My eyes fell to the bottom of the tub, threatening to overflow yet again, “I’ll try. I’ll talk to you later, I need to go.”

_“Okay. I love you, Reyna,”_ he remarked, filling me with an unfair resentment.

“Bye, Pops.”

I hung up and dropped my phone onto the mat beside me before he had a chance to demand that I ‘say it back.’

As I found myself in the foetal position, I thought about why I just did that to myself. I knew that begging him to go home wasn’t going to go well after how hard I had to fight to get here in the first place, but Christ. It was my own damn fault for not keeping up with him, but I’m not sure that it could’ve been a worse time to spring all of that on me. Not that he’d know that, but it’s not like he ever tried to ask about it, either.

Mindlessly, I dipped my hand into the water, found the fresh end of my thigh tattoo with my nail, and lightly dug, letting the pain reaffirm that I was alive after all and not in hell, and watching the blood float up and dissipate.

It wasn’t shortly after that a sequence of rustling and footsteps alerted me to Shimada’s awakening. It was even sooner after that when the door slid open, with his eerily empty eyes finding me instantly. I expected to be more ashamed on account of my vulnerability, but what did I care anymore?

“Gonna be honest,” he began, “I’m surprised you’re still here.”

I regathered my Suzuka persona before I responded, “Can’t a girl want a shower and a bath after a night of heavy drinking and a one-night stand?”

“Be my guest. I’m glad we’re on the same page about last night, though,” he commented as he planted himself on the shower stool and started the faucet.

“How did I end up at your place, anyways?” I inquired, honestly not caring but feeling the need to make conversation, “I think I blacked out pretty soon after we started talking.”

He glanced back as he scrubbed himself down, “I’m not surprised. You didn’t really seem in control when you had a breakdown in the bar. You insisted you didn’t want to go home and I drunkenly decided to take you here. Then we fucked, went to sleep, and here we are.”

“Spectacular retelling, I was on the edge of my seat.”

“You’re welcome.”

The dry conversation lulled, at which I slumped into the tub, realising this was the first time I’d slept with anyone I hadn’t known for at least a month in advance. I recognised that I was regressing, but I didn’t know if I really cared anymore. If trying to improve was rewarded with the shitstorm of events that was my first week in Japan, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to try.

“So what’s your story, Suzuka-san?” he pried, likely feeling the same as I did when I broke the ice.

I sent out a half-submerged sigh, “How do you mean?”

“Well,” he clicked off the shower and spun around, “You’re clearly not from Japan, and you don’t seem to be in a great place in your life. Just curious why I’m one of the stops you decided on.”

“Do you even care?”

“I shouldn’t, but last time I saw someone falling off the deep end and ignored it, I had to drag them out of a river a few weeks later. I don’t know that I can help you, but I wouldn’t feel right if I saw your face on the news and I hadn’t done everything I could.”

That probably shouldn’t have hit me as hard as it did, but his words ripped straight through me, with my tears streaming almost immediately. He unsurely watched on for some time before I decided that he needed some payoff more than I did. Stepping out of the tub, I traipsed over to him and took him into an embrace, letting him be the shoulder to cry on. He reciprocated, which unexpectedly did make me feel somewhat better.

None of this made sense, but if I was earnestly offering someone a helping hand and they didn’t take it, I’d feel pretty shit about myself for a while. Shimada didn’t deserve that, so while none of this would likely end up helping me that much, I gave him what he was looking for.

“Can I stay for breakfast?” I gasped over his shoulder.

“Yeah.”

————————————————————

I was pleasantly surprised by how little my clothes carried the odour of alcohol, especially since returning to the apartment and changing was not an option at the moment.

After seeing how genuinely concerned Shimada, a complete stranger, could be for me, I couldn’t bear to feel Kanna and Midori’s depressing gazes until my mood improved somewhat. Thus, I planned my whole day out for chasing experiences that could chase away my rain cloud, starting with that haircut. Though, a haircut was probably not what I was looking for. I’d grown fond of my new look after finagling a small tuft of a bun onto the back of my head and getting comfortable with letting my hair sit on my shoulders again. Hopefully I could convince a hair stylist to just clean up my hack-job and leave the rest alone.

Set on doing just that, I wandered around greater Kyoto on foot, scrolling endlessly on Moogle’s recommendations for barbers and hair stylists until I found something that piqued my interest. I wish I knew the person that Tsumugi went to for her haircut, ‘cause she always looked perfect from any angle.

While I subconsciously grew sad at any reminder of that particular mistake, I fought the negativity, now feeling some responsibility for how it affected others. I mean, I still felt like shit, but I’d gotten good at hiding that fact before this particular tailspin, so I just needed to recapture that lightning. Somehow.

I paused my scrolling after seeing a familiar name pop up, having to scroll back up to find it again. Finding ‘Hair Make Ishida’, I pondered if it was just a coincidence, or if they had any connection to the Ishida I had met that first Friday. Whether there was a real connection or not, I elected on that hair salon, making a heel-turn and following the directions down the decently busy street.

While it still wasn’t the anonymity I longed for, the subtraction of my tattoos on display and an otherworldly silver ponytail had decreased the amount of eyes on me as I went from place to place. I could tell that at least a few people’s gazes still lingered, on account of the intense barbed wire tattoo and my inescapable gaijin aura, but it was less enough from before for me to not feel self-conscious in my mentally unstable state. There were enough times in my life where I’d have preferred to stand out, so I’d gotten good at doing so, but disappearing into a crowd had gotten much harder as a result.

Needing a continuous distraction, I popped in my earbuds and hit shuffle on my playlist.

_……_

_And I've been looking for someone to put up with my bullshit,_

_I can't even leave my bedroom so I keep it pouring._

_And I ain't seen a light of day since, well, that's not important,_

_It's been long._

Poignant, Posty.

The relaxing tones of _Feeling Whitney_ pulled me into some self-reflection that would’ve sent me into a spiral this morning, but instead felt refreshing underneath the noon sunlight and in the city air. I really had let any healthy routines go in the two and a half weeks since that Monday meeting. My room had become a den of self-affirmed pity, with me spending way too much time at my desk with my headphones on and a very controlled buzz constantly balancing me on the brink of another breakdown. I realised how pathetic that must’ve looked to Shino, who just watched me continue down that path through our flirtationship.

I hadn’t really heard from her since Tuesday. I should really touch base with her soon, and probably cut things off while I was at it. She didn’t need to be stuck to my hip, that wasn’t good for either of us. 

She was nice and all, and the sex wasn’t half bad either, but I knew that she wanted more than I could give, and I _really_ needed to stop leading people on in relationships like that. It had legitimately become a bad habit, and just confirming that notion left a bad taste in my mouth. Whether or not I wanted to improve on a whole, I at least needed to stop fucking with people’s hearts like that.

My ruminations carried me down the street without parting for any passerby, leading me to the hair salon on the corner, with a familiar figure standing just outside the door, having a smoke. As I squinted past the pedestrians around me, I caught the blue hue of her head, the relaxed tomboyish aura she gave off, and the unmistakable tinge of sadness that coloured her otherwise unremarkable hazel eyes. It was Ritsu, one of the many people that I hadn’t spoken to in two and a half weeks, whether out of fear or respect, I couldn’t decide. When she glanced my way and winced in surprise, I could tell she felt similar.

I elected to continue on without acknowledging her, taking the hint when she sent her gaze back down and avoided eye contact. Though, when I neared the entrance, she reached out.

“They’re busy,” she remarked, still keeping her eyes to the concrete, “Should wait out here for a bit, like I am.”

I awkwardly nodded, taking position on the opposite side of the entryway from her and retrieving a dart of my own, “Yeah.”

As we leaned on the walls, both together and separate, I could feel an understandable tension rising from her side. I mean, what are we supposed to talk about, anyhow? That fight in band room two felt so long ago now, despite it only being weeks old, but the damage from that nightmare made time feel like it had passed so much slower. At least, that’s how I felt. I couldn’t have begun to imagine how she felt, being so much closer to it all. Compared to her, I was basically a bystander.

Yet it was Kairi’s disapproval of me that tore it all apart, regardless of its irrelevance to the conflict as a whole. I couldn’t help but be curious about Ritsu’s take on it all.

“So,” she unsurely tore through the stagnant air, “What brings you here on a Friday afternoon?”

“A haircut,” I reciprocated her awkwardness, questioning if this was really the best foot forward.

“Looks like you already did a good enough job of that. When did that happen?”

I ruffled the back of my new cut, shifting the split ends further in, “A week ago now, I think. I wasn’t thinking much when I did it, kind of an impulse decision.”

“Would you believe me when I told you the blue dye was just like that?” she snickered to herself as she flicked away the ash and crossed one leg over the other.

“Actually, yeah.”

“I’m getting it dyed back natural, which is what I’m doing here on a Friday afternoon. It was so dumb, I was just copying Yui, and I honestly hate the colour, but Mio was really into it.”

“I never would’ve suspected her to be into that.”

“Neither would I. She surprised me in a lot of ways after Yui left.”

I sighed before I brought the natural progression of that around, “Ritsu, I’m really sorry that things didn’t work out back there. I knew that you were really banking on—”

“Why are you apologising?” she interjected, causing me to recoil, “It’s clear whose fault it was for that mess happening. Kai— Sano flew off the handle in there, and turned what should’ve been a new beginning into another ending. Why she brought you into it, I can’t figure out, but I don’t know how to feel about what she said about you, either. She’s not a particularly squeaky clean girl, herself, and I guess neither am I, but if she and Mugi were telling the truth, that’s pretty fucked up, Reyna.”

“… Yeah,” I resigned, knowing that this would come around eventually, just not expecting it to come from her, first.

“Is that all you’ve got? I expected some kind of excuse or denial.”

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but that’s not me. I fucked it up… with Mugi, with Olivia, and with so many others I can’t even begin to explain it all. So many terrible situations and I’m the only common denominator. I’m not a good person, and I can’t decide whether that makes me better or worse for acknowledging it, or if that even fuckin’ matters. I won’t try to tell you that Kairi is wrong about me being shitty and hurting other people, because she’s not, but I don’t want to. Not anymore.”

At some point in our spiels, Ritsu’s eyes had ventured up to me, analysing my words along with my body language. I didn’t give her much to work with as I slumped even further into the wall behind me and stared at my cigarette, yet another obstacle to becoming a more functional person. Seeing this, she ground out the flame in her own and tossed it into the nearest trash can, shoving her hands into her pockets.

“Well,” she muttered with an uncertain glance to the road, “I guess that’s the first step.”

A smirk formed on my face for a split second before dissolving, “So I’ve heard.”

I followed her lead, snuffing out my dart and discarding it. Just as I did so, two women pushed through the doors to the salon, with Ritsu catching the door and ushering me inside. I obliged, slipping in through the threshold and taking in the sights of the amateur parlor.

Amongst the hand-me down seating and the intriguing decisions of krimskrams at each station stood or sat three people. The first one that I noticed was the tallest by a longshot; a pale, lanky guy with a pushed-back, almost spiky noir mane and some staggeringly small eyes. Sat in the back with a laptop on their lap was a smaller girl in a crimson jacket, with jet black hair just barely shorter than mine and a pair of deep blue eyes that reflected the contents of her screen. Lastly, as I suspected, was Ishida Shouko, with her mousy-blonde curtain of hair nestled atop a hair dresser’s apron, and her attentive gaze wandering around the store until it found us.

She smiled past me as Ritsu stepped ahead and spoke with a wave, “Good afternoon. Got a spare chair yet?”

“Is that the Tainaka Ritsu I hear?” the black bob cut inquired from across the room, “Oh my God, what did you do to your hair?”

“Can you guys fix it? I’m over it,” Ritsu snickered, pressing on past the counter towards the girls.

Meanwhile, the giant craned over towards me, marching towards the counter, “Hello, how can we help you today?”

“Just a trim,” I replied, “I tried to do it myself a few days back, and I’m pretty sure I missed some spots.”

“Ah, then I can help you over in the first chair on the right. Go ahead and get settled in, I’ve gotta wash my scissors.”

I nodded in affirmation, following his directions and planting myself in the chair. Taking the opportunity, I checked myself out in the mirror, realising it had been a while since I took a noteworthy look at myself. Everyone was right, my eyes just looked emptier now. The mask didn’t fit anymore, or it was entirely missing. The bags under my eyes had seemingly settled down and raised a family of bags, with the Resting Tired Face I now presented probably adding to my intimidation factor.

I spun around my chair while I waited, observing Ritsu and the others in the corner of my eye.

“What have you been up to since our last photoshoot, Yuzuru?” Ritsu struck up with the red jacket while Ishida began ruffling and soaking her hair at one of those backwards-sink thingys towards the back.

Yuzuru glanced between her computer and the soon-to-be formerly azure drummer, “Not much of note. Just doing classes in Tokyo and coming back around here every chance I get. I actually carpooled back this time with one of the guys, which was really convenient.”

“Which one?”

“Ouji, the copper-headed hipster I told you about?”

Small world.

“What colour would you like?” Ishida asked as she tapped through a series of natural dye bottles.

Ritsu pursed her lips in thought, “Somewhere between tawny and auburn. I want to go back to natural but I forgot what it is.”

“With how bad your roots are coming in,” Yuzuru snidely commented, “Shouko can probably figure it out.”

As their banter carried on, the giant lumbered back over, with his freshly-sanitised box set of scissors in tow. Setting them down, he retrieved the smock from the next seat over and threw it over me. I assisted by reaching around the back of it to untie my bun and lift my locks out of the way while he clicked the buttons against my neck. I then released, to which he began fiddling with the ends to get a closer look.

“It actually doesn’t look that bad back here,” he tossed his two cents in as he grabbed his spray bottle and comb and started spritzing, “Sure, there’s a few loose ends and some silver tips hidden in there, but you probably could’ve gotten away with it for a lot longer.”

I giggled at the notion, holding myself still as I did so, “Yeah, right. Glad I won’t have to test it.”

“I’m guessing you didn’t want the silver anymore?”

“Something like that.”

“A change of pace can be good,” he observed, setting down the bottle and exchanging it for a thin pair of metal scissors, “And a haircut is the easiest way to get that. Or at least I think so.”

“I agree. I always feel like I have to rediscover myself for a whole week after a big haircut.”

“How long was it before?”

“About to the bottom of my shoulder blades.”

I watched him pause to imagine the difference in the mirror, “Must have needed a serious change of pace, then. That’s a lot to chop off by yourself.”

“You could say that again,” I heavily sighed, recalling the night I did the deed and how painstaking the whole process was, even with Shino’s help.

“Stop me if I go over bounds,” he prefaced before waxing philosophical, “But radical changes almost never pay off how you expect them to. Easing into a decision almost always ends up working out better than rushing into a new thing.”

I stopped to ponder exactly what he meant by that and how it connected back to cutting off a lot of hair. Maybe he was emotionally intelligent and had reached in to try to impart some wisdom. Attempting to reach a conclusion, I stared into his eyes in the mirror while he worked, seeing something that I couldn’t necessarily identify. Perhaps a glint of empathy? Understanding? It was hard to tell, but if the matching rings on his and Ishida’s fingers were anything to go by, maybe the two had jumped a few hurdles together that he felt had taught him a thing or two about the secrets of life.

“I wish it was that easy,” I simply returned, taking my conclusion in as fact.

“Give it a try,” he restated, snipping away, “Maybe you’ll find it was at least worth the shot.”

I smiled lightly, examining the reflection of the three all seeming as content as anyone could be, while Ritsu and I chased ghosts and appeared as downtrodden as we could be.

“Thanks, uh…”

“Ishida, Shouya.”

(Thank you to @mbxchan on Twitter for this wonderful art of Reyna as she appeared in Chapter 20)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, Pharo / The Major / Paco here,
> 
> Thank you so much for your patience in this time between chapters. To be honest, ya boy has been going through it, but with the help of the KyoAni #creative boys and my editor, I’ve rediscovered my love for these characters and the story being told.
> 
> Unfortunately, we’re probably going to be sticking to a biweekly schedule for the foreseeable future, and I don’t see myself returning to a work schedule that allows me to work on Shunkan again, so that will likely stay dead.
> 
> On the flip-side, I’ve been able to strike up a deal with the artist above to commission a set of ensemble shots for the original cast of Yamada Daigaku, so stay tuned for that!
> 
> Again, thank you, the reader, for your continued support of this passion project. This is the best part of my week.
> 
> See y’all on the 20th / 21st for more!


	21. My Solution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> My Solution is in the Lake by Pentimento
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

_This chapter of Yamada Daigaku primarily includes Original Characters. These events are crucial to Reyna’s characterisation, and thusly have been included despite the lack of KyoAni characters and a Kyoto setting._

The sun proudly hung high in the sky, illuminating every corner of the outskirts of Nagoya. It all rushed by at such a breakneck speed that I could barely test that assessment, but I tried my damnedest. Even though Yuri had thus far respectfully kept out of my business and refrained from asking about any difficulties I may or may not have been having, this long car ride had tested her. I could tell it was taking all of her effort to not ask about the hair, or the thigh tattoo, or any number of my new wrinkles since we last spoke. I admired her restraint, but at this point, I would’ve preferred her to speak up.

Yuri had admittedly been my rock since the fight, always being there whenever I was tired of being home. Her, Kaede, Hina, and Sayori had been serving as the interim replacement for hanging out with the members of Houkago Tea Time as best they could, but I never really connected with anyone but Yuri. I didn’t know why or how yet, but she seemed to understand my desire for escape, and respected it wholeheartedly. Still, a part of me wished she would just ask.

We’d only been friends for two and a half weeks, so it didn’t feel fair to ask that emotional involvement from her, but I couldn’t help but need it.

She must have noticed my absent-minded glances, as she piped up, “We’re almost there. I’m not sure at what point of the rehearsal they’ll be in when we get there. The drive took longer than I expected.”

“As long as we get to talk to Gabi, I’ll be happy,” I relayed, leaving my head in my hand.

I could feel her shifting after my statement, which nearly pushed me over the edge. Just ask, dammit.

Rather than lose my cool on one of my only remaining friends in Japan, I elected to try to pull it out of her, “Remind me how you know Gabi and Sasaki. I remember you telling me you know them, but not how.”

“After Gabi had a quote-unquote ‘weird season at the Outriders,’ she showed up at the Blue Angels auditions for this season,” Yuri began recalling with snapshot glances from the road to me, “I was there too, since that was before I knew I wasn’t marching this year, and we became friends. After she injured out, I recommended her to the band program up here, who hired her to teach their guard.”

“I had no clue she knew Japanese.”

“Oh, she doesn’t, at least not very well yet. One of Kaede’s friends, Kanno Ai, also teaches there, and translates.”

Sounds like Gabi to truck forward with a decision that’d lead her across the globe without much forethought.

Ah yes, the pot calling the kettle black.

“And Sasaki marched at Blue Angels last year, right?” I continued on with my refresher on our situation.

Yuri nodded with a smirk, “She was the only Japanese-speaking person in the corps that didn’t give me weird looks for being Korean. I never understood it, but I’m still thankful for it. You know, she almost reminds me of a low-key version of you.”

“I bet we’ll get along great, then,” I replied, doublethinking myself into a hole after remembering the comparisons between Kairi and myself.

“You better,” she commanded, “She’s been really good to me, _and_ I need a fellow gaijin to keep around. You two are both important to my sanity.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her logic, “Nice to know I’m valued, I guess.”

“Don’t be like that,” she snickered in response.

The broken ice quickly froze back over, as we resumed our awkward silence right after our momentary connection. It was strange how we both seemed to get each other but had such a hard time doing anything but talking about band or music. I didn’t want to think that it felt shallow, but thus far, it kinda did. We’d barely ever discussed anything other than our mutual interests, and after how personal my interactions with everyone else had been, I couldn’t help but feel like there was something missing between Yuri and I.

“Reyna, I…” she quietly started before clamming up once more, probably hoping I didn’t even notice.

However, I did notice, “Yeah?”

She sighed before starting back up, “Gabi didn’t seem too keen on seeing you again, but wouldn’t say why. I want to respect your boundaries and not ask about anything too personal, but, why does Gabi not want to see you?”

That wasn’t how I was expecting that to go, but I humoured her anyways, “A lot happened last summer. She got caught in between an on-and-off thing with me and this girl I can’t seem to shake off, and she got a lot of heat for it. I wish I could go back and change it, and I don’t expect her to forgive me, but I need to talk to her, especially now. If things go bad and she doesn’t want to talk to me after all, I’ll drop it. For your sake.”

“I appreciate that,” she commented with a light smile, “But why now? Again, I don’t—”

“Please don’t tiptoe around me, Yuri. I didn’t cut my hair and permanently mark my skin all by myself and expect no one to ask about it.”

She flinched at my interruption, pulling us onto an off-ramp as she obliged my request, “Are you okay? I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I feel like you’ve been changing, a lot, in a really short amount of time. Was the meeting really that bad?”

“It’s not that, at least not anymore,” I divulged, recrossing my legs, “It was just a reminder of a lot of shit that’s been happening for the past few years. I haven’t had the best go of it, and most of that is my own fault. Call it self-hate or self-pity, but I need someone who knew me at my worst to help me out right now. I know that’s probably unfair, but Gabi has a good heart, and I hope that side comes out first.”

Was it unfair to spill all of that on her, or was it unfair to only tell her that much? Maybe I was the one who was tiptoeing around her.

“I understand that,” she empathised, “Before I joined the Blue Angels, I was in a very similar position back home, in Busan. I won’t talk your ear off about it, but I was in a bad way.”

“If you don’t mind, I don’t,” I pried as politely as possible.

Yuri let out another sigh, much heavier this time, “Before I moved to Japan, before I ever considered drum corps, I tried my hand at being an idol. It was fun for a time, and filled that desire for performance that I’d always had, but the restrictions, the lifestyle, and everything that came with it was way too much for someone as young and naive as I was. I didn’t know how the other girls handled it. So, I rebelled, really hard. My actions ended up getting our group disbanded, and I was so ashamed that I packed up and ran away. Once I got over here, a flag found its way into my hands, and I haven’t really had any problems like that since, but it still works its way back into my head. I’ve talked it out with my former gen-mates and made peace with most of them, but…”

“I’m sorry that happened to you, Yuri.”

“Don’t be,” she waved it away, “I dug my own grave there, but I’m better now because of it, and they are too. The only thing we can all do is keep moving forward, right?”

Right?

I couldn’t help but connect her anecdote back to my own troubles using the few threads that joined our stories, but she made it seem so easy. It wasn’t my place to downplay her struggles, but maybe it wasn’t as bad as what I did, and maybe her mistakes didn’t follow her across the ocean, like mine had. On the other hand, did that matter? If she could bounce back and be as well-adjusted as she was, what was stopping me? Was I addicted to my own depression? Was there something more profound holding me back that hadn’t held her back?

“Reyna? I didn’t scare you off, did I?”

I vigorously shook my head, feeling extremely guilty for spacing out so hard, “Of course not. I’ve probably done way worse, it’s not my place to judge you at all.”

“I hate to say I’d love to hear about it, but perhaps later,” she remarked, motioning through the windshield.

Following said motion, I set my gaze on the brutalist high school before us, barely catching the stadium lights hiding behind the highest points of the roof. How did they teach kids here? This building was fucking terrifying.

As she pulled into the most convenient parking space, I mentally prepared myself for what came next. I hadn’t seen Gabi since last semester at Rasgado, and the last time we had a real conversation was the day before Seaside last year. There was nearly no reason this would go well, but I held on to the idea that if I talked to her, I’d be able to reach some sort of understanding that I couldn’t discover by myself or by talking to anyone that had only heard about my many fuck-ups. What I needed to do, or at least what I felt like I needed to do, was confront my former self in a real, tangible way that wasn’t just a fuzzy memory.

I had nearly ruined Gabi’s summer at Outriders through my impulsivity and selfish desire for escapism. I needed to know that she was okay after that, I guess. Fuck it, I don’t know. I hoped this was worth it.

Yuri then extracted her keys and began exiting the car. I followed suit, forcing the door open and stepping into the therapeutically balmy weather of central Japan in midsummer. I regretted the hoodie, but didn’t regret the way it covered everything up to my wrists. Especially if we’re gonna be around high schoolers at all, I’d still prefer to be sweaty and less noticeable over comfortable and alarming.

Closing our doors and linking up on my end of the vehicle, she beckoned me to follow along the right side of the building. Instead of indulging her, I found myself hesitating.

“Maybe I should just stay with the car, after all,” I whimpered, fighting the urge to reach behind my head.

“You’ve come this far,” she rebutted, flicking her head towards the stadium, “May as well see this through.”

She reminded me of Mia, in a way, ‘cause I hated it when she was right.

I groaned in reply, trudging through the anxiety that had stayed my feet and following along the path to the rehearsal. Drawing closer, I caught the cacophony of a bunch of high school level musicians either warming up or warming down, refusing to get nostalgic about four of the most confusing years of my life. 

At least these kids only had to deal with three years. Lucky bastards don’t know how good they have it.

As we proceeded down the right-most sidewalk around the building, I thought about why Yuri agreed to doing this for me. I barely gave her any reason for wanting to come to an HS band rehearsal in Nagoya aside from speaking to Gabi and a stranger who I shared mutual friends with, but she still allowed me to tag along anyways. In a Prius, no less. That part was the goofiest to me.

“Still can’t believe you drive a Prius,” I quietly chuckled.

Yuri furrowed her brow, “It’s not a meme car over here, so hush.”

“The last person I met that drove a Prius had their head so far up their ass, they could tell me what they had for dinner two weeks ago just by squinting.”

“What do you have against Priuses?”

“Nothing in particular,” I backtracked, “I just think it’s funny, is all.”

I could tell my overtly Texan sensibilities weren’t translating as her brow remained tight, “You’ve got a strange sense of humour, Reyna.”

Cocking my head in agreement with her statement, we rounded the corner to absorb the view of the rehearsal at last. Along the sidelines of the baseball field, I set my sights on a group of brass kids practicing chunks of music while doing some absolutely ridiculous choreography. At the head of their gathering was a short, but definitely college-aged girl with high bangs and a ponytail, clapping in rhythm, probably serving as their metronome. Examining her further, I realised how closely she fit the description of Sasaki Azusa and assumed that was her. 

With that in mind, I surveyed the collections of students and techs until I found Gabi on the far end of the field from us, doing the same for a set of colour guard girls. She looked incredibly similar to how I’d last seen her, except with the addition of a full brace enclosing her left leg. I instantly started subconsciously reminiscing about the texture of her caramel skin, the softness of her hickory hair, and everything about her that I shouldn’t be thinking about anymore. The guilt began to creep into me, but I shook everything off, turning towards Yuri.

I inquired about the obvious, “Is their rehearsal over or are they about to begin?”

“I think they’re about to break for lunch,” Yuri responded, “You should be able to pull Gabi aside after she’s done over there.”

“Okay. Tell me something motivational,” I begged, nervously gazing into the distance.

“I’d say ‘break a leg,’ but she’s got you beat there.”

I spun around towards her in surprise of the seemingly tasteless wisecrack, finding her blankly staring back at me. After awkwardly staring at one another for a moment, we both snickered at the absurdity of it all.

“Just don’t think too hard,” she stated confidently, brushing past me towards Sasaki.

“I’ll do my best,” I accepted the advice, setting off the long way around the diamond.

As I marched along, I observed the students once again, finding the tubists doing their absolute best to snap their horns in time with another tech’s clapping hands. I felt the extreme urge to go over and show them how it’s done, but I surmounted it, staying on task as best I could. The last thing I should do is draw attention to myself, so I pressed on, drawing out a mental plan of attack. If Yuri was right and they’re about to take a break, I likely won’t be waiting very long for her to finish up, but in the case that I was, I pulled out my phone and one earbud. Scrolling through my music, I found the regular playlist and clicked shuffle.

_……_

_A trivial and tangled bedroom floor,_

_Wait until the sun finally sets,_

_Before you climb the stairs to an apartment you don’t call home anymore._

_You put your fingers to your temple,_

_In the shape of what resembles the punchline to your way out._

The somber tones of _My Solution is in the Lake_ carried me into a more solemn mood than I’d had since this morning, which was for the best. Like she said, Gabi wasn’t too keen on seeing me again, so I should be prepared for her to chew me out, or be generally frustrated with my existence, and in any mood that wasn’t casual self-pity, I’d be tempted to defend myself. This wasn’t a time where defending myself was a viable option, so it was in everyone’s best interest that I didn’t.

Letting my vibes sink down, I leaned back into the towering light pole some distance from Gabi and her students, then angled my head up towards the clouds to zone out.

————————————————————

_“It all finally caught up with you, huh?”_

The English statement ripped me out of my trance, pulling my attention down from the heavens to the Italian American girl I’d travelled an hour or two to see. Gabi now stood a few feet from me, staring me down with an expression of equal parts surprise and resentment, which I likely deserved. 

I popped out my earbud in response, now giving her my undivided attention, “How do you mean?”

She waltzed over, leaning on the sizeable pole beside me while still keeping her distance, “The hair, the new tattoo, that look in your eye… You look like hell.”

“I guess I was just better at hiding it back then.”

“No,” Gabi rebuked me instantly, quickly actualising my concerns for how this would go, “Whatever you’re here for, whatever this ‘sad girl’ shtick is, don’t. We haven’t talked in however long, and then you suddenly just barrel into my life, looking and acting pathetic, don’t you realise how unfair that is? After being such a fucking nightmare last season, and fighting with Olivia so publicly last semester, don’t tell me you’re just finally starting to feel sorry for yourself.”

I let out a surprise chuckle, preparing to elaborate before the action irked her further, “I won’t tell you that, ‘cause that’s not how it is. I’m sorry if this is unfair, and if you want me to leave, I will. Right now. But I have no clue what to do, with myself or the shit I’ve done. You’re the only person on this side of the planet that knows me, the real me, and for some convoluted reason I can’t figure out, my brain decided that you know what to do or what to say to snap me out of this. For what it’s worth, I am sorry for what I did, more than you’ll ever know. I can’t forgive myself for what I did to you, and I honestly don’t want you to forgive me, either.”

A stunned silence took over our exchange, at which I pushed myself off of the pole to meet Gabi’s eyes. They briefly found mine before wandering to and fro, unsure how to process the information flowing behind them. If I didn’t want her to pity me, and I didn’t want her to forgive me, then what the good fuck did I want from her? Why was I so drawn to having this conversation, here and now? What was the point?

“I heard what she did,” Gabi disclosed, crossing her arms, “Mia and I stay in touch. And I heard what you did. Both of the times.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Well I do, and you came to talk to me. It’s fucked up, Reyna. Yeah, you’ve been a real piece of work, ever since I’ve known you. You’ve been a tornado, crashing through everyone’s lives and being undeniable, but that doesn’t mean Olivia was right to do that, nor does that mean you should end it. You’ve done good, too. You’re basically the mascot of the hornline at the Outriders, and everyone at Rasgado loves you, and I know there’s a good person in there that never wanted to hurt anyone, like you have been. Fuck, I fell in love with that person for a bit, but you can’t act like you’re still that person and then keep being a tornado, Reyna. What do you want to do? Keep being a walking, talking mess, or be better and make amends? ‘Cause right now I just see someone who wants to be told ‘it’ll all be okay’ but isn’t gonna put any of the effort in.”

I took a moment to really think about everything she said, and not allow it to go in one ear and out the other. She was right, what was I actively doing to make things right? Was I doing anything, and if I wasn’t, what could I do, if anything? Just this morning I had pretty much accepted that it was too late for me, and that improving wasn’t worth it, but that was just convenient.

Even so, I still didn’t feel like any of it made sense. My aspirations, emotions, and regrets became a whirlwind in my head, moving too fast for me to catch any of them. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, what I wanted to hear, or how to go about fixing any of it. I still just felt lost.

“I just don’t want to be me anymore,” my lips moved before my mind as my eyes fell to the grass underneath.

Gabi turned towards me, examining once more, trying to decipher what I really meant by that. I struggled to find any words to elaborate, with them racing by too fast for me to form any coherent explanation.

“That’s not it,” she sighed, “You don’t want to be what you’ve done anymore. There’s no one you can be but you, and your decisions don’t make you, you make them. Just, make better decisions. Start small, like stop and think about how what you do affects everyone around you. The Reyna Marten that you’ve cultivated since we got to Rasgado always acts on impulse and selfish desire for what she wants right then. Just, double and triple-check yourself from now on. Fuck, I dunno, Reyna. I wasn’t expecting to be a therapist today.”

I winced at her addition, reflexively heel-turning to leave, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ask that of you. I’m just scared, and I shouldn’t have put that on you.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she sent one more comment my way, accepting my retreat, “And don’t be scared. Just be better.”

The endless times I’d heard ‘just be better’ while at the Outriders flashed through my head, with me immediately acknowledging that it was the intended effect. A small smile formed on my face as her message clicked with the addition of those last three words.

Just be better.

Okay.

I took my first step away from our conversation before I made one last statement, “Thank you, and I’m sorry.”

I didn’t look back to see her response, simply letting the exchange end with that in mind. I still didn’t know what I wanted from her, but I knew that I’d received something from her. It wasn’t anything I didn’t already have, but her reminder gave me a new sense of purpose, and a foggy path forward. It wasn’t much, but it was so much more than I’d had in a while.

As I ventured further and further from the light pole, I absorbed my now tranquil surroundings, thinking more about the moment that surrounded me and pushing any thoughts of past or future out of my head for the time. Regardless of why I’d come here, or what was ahead of me here, I was in Japan, a world of untapped potential that I had been taking for granted. It’s not everyday that someone gets to leave everything behind and go across the planet to find themselves, and I finally felt like I could do just that.

Here, I could be better, with nothing stopping me. It was just a matter of doing it.

Just be better.

Reaching the front end of the field once more, I caught a glimpse of Yuri and Sasaki conversing just past the corner of the school building. As I neared them, Yuri spun on her heel to face me.

“Well?” she inquired, crossing her arms behind her back.

“Yeah,” I replied blankly, “I don’t know. But she doesn’t hate me, and I might feel a little better.”

She slightly smirked at my conclusion, motioning towards Sasaki, “Better than nothing. Reyna, meet Sasaki Azusa. Azusa, this is Reyna Marten, a fellow drum corps survivor from the Outriders.”

“Nice to meet you,” Sasaki expressed as she lightly bowed, “Yuri has already told me a bit. Good things.”

“Nice to meet you as well. I’ve also heard a bit, also good things,” I reciprocated, coming to a full stop just before them.

“She said you know Reina and Kumiko-chan. How are they doing? I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to either of them in a while.”

I instinctively scratched the back of my head, “It’s been a few weeks, but they seemed to be doing great.”

Yuri began to herd us back towards the car as Sasaki continued, “I was so shocked to find out that they were dating. You have to tell me more, Kumiko-chan won’t spill.”

“They’re annoyingly cute together,” I elaborated, feeling myself ease up once more, “I swear, I couldn’t go anywhere with them without it becoming a flirting competition.”

“I cannot wait to see it. I always had a sneaking suspicion that Kumiko-chan leaned that way, but Reina too? I’ll have to see it to _really_ believe it.”

“Has she always been as serious as she is now?”

“Well,” Sasaki rhythmically tapped her chin, “It was more just social awkwardness in middle school, but she started to get a complex about wanting to ‘be special’ towards the end. I don’t doubt she’s still like that a little, but I can guarantee that Kumiko has mellowed her out there, right?”

“I can’t say I’ve noticed, but I feel like that’s spot on.”

In the corner of my eye, I caught Yuri triumphantly smiling at how well we were getting along so far. I internally hoped that she wasn’t counting her chickens before they hatched, but after Kairi and Shino, I had to stay skeptical.

“So, Outriders then? I loved the show last year. _The Appian Way_ trombone feature was fantastic, and the ballad looked ridiculously hard. I don’t even think we had anything that fast. What was it, two-hundred bpm?” Sasaki continued on as we walked.

“Two-ten at the fastest,” I couldn’t help but boast a little, “I swear, I thought my legs would fall off after the first few times, but it got us our highest General Effect score in corps history, so it was worth it.”

“And Finals. You guys deserved it, way more than—”

She was interrupted by the sudden ringing of my phone. I promptly drew it from my pocket, stopping dead in my tracks when I read the Caller ID.

“Reyna?” Yuri inquired with a tinge of worry, “Who is it?”

I have to answer it, don’t I?

That’s how I can be better, right? Facing my mistakes head-on. I’d ignored her enough anyways. I wasn’t strong enough yet, but I didn’t have a choice.

“You two go on ahead,” I muttered, “I’ll catch up.”

As their footsteps began to recede, I clicked the answer button and brought the device to my ear.

“Olivia?”

The static of the line drew on for some time before she let out a hushed laugh.

_“Of course you’d answer now.”_

I shuffled towards the nearest wall and leaned back, “I’m sorry I didn’t sooner, that wasn’t—“

_“Guess where I am.”_

“Liv, I don’t…”

_“Come on, guess.”_

“Okay,” I racked my brain, still not remembering what day it was, “Late summer, so, East Coast.”

_“Where on the East Coast?”_

“Well, Allentown hasn’t happened yet, right?”

_“Right.”_

“And that’s on a weekend, so, fuck, South Carolina?”

_“Pennsylvania.”_

“Already?”

_“Same housing site as 2017.”_

My eyes travelled to the ground, “… The bleachers.”

_“Bingo,”_ she solemnly sighed, _“Same spot as the day you found out about Sara.”_

I didn’t know how to respond, and our phone call fell silent for what felt like a whole minute.

_“Talk to me, Reyna.”_

“About?”

_“You know how this goes. Your day, first.”_

I winced at the recollection of the circumstances surrounding my morning, “You don’t want to hear about my day.”

_“Please,”_ her voice felt so different, so much shakier than how I’d last heard it. I couldn’t read it anymore, not really, but I could tell she needed to hear me talk. After what I did to her on Tuesday, she deserved at least that.

“Well,” I wondered about how to pick and choose the details, “I woke up with the worst hangover, and from some insane nightmares. It took a few hours to drag myself out of bed, and when I finally did, I laid out a plan for my day. I started with going to get a haircut…”

_“How big?”_

“Not that big, but only because I already cut most of it off myself. It’s way shorter now.”

_“Like when we first met?”_

“Even shorter.”

_“Please tell me it’s not a pixie cut.”_

“With my neck? You know me better than that. Anyways, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of weeks, which made me feel a little better, then I got the cut, and the guy who did it gave me some advice. I still haven’t decided if it was good advice or not, but it was nice of him. Then, I took a car ride with Erin’s Korean Blue Angel’s girlfriend to go see Gabi, who’s teaching in Nagoya.”

_“… Why’d you want to go see Gabi? Other than the obvious.”_

“I’m still not entirely sure, honestly. Maybe I needed a familiar face, maybe I needed someone who knew me at my worst, or maybe I just needed to get away from Kyoto. She was _not_ happy to see me at first, but she helped me out anyways. She’s a good person.”

_“And then?”_

“And then you called me. I’m still in Nagoya, but I’m about to head home.”

_“Is it a bad time?”_

“Of course not,” I slid down the wall and planted myself in the grass, “What about you? How was your day?”

_“Well,”_ she heavily sighed, _“It’s ballad week. We’ve been double-checking and triple-checking each and every set, meaning I get to sit around on my podium and play a few notes here and there, but I can’t even do that right, according to Hawkes. He’s been eating me alive once a block for the past few days, saying I don’t sound right, saying I sounded way better a week ago, asking me what happened. It’s too late to switch me and Dakota out in the drill, so they’re stuck with me.”_

“Fuck them, you probably sound great.”

_“No Reyna, they’re right. I can’t even play the first few notes without having to fight a panic attack. Of course, the year our ballad is Exit Music_ _is the year you’re not here. And it’s the same version as the one you sent me on Tuesday. I just hear those notes in my head, and picture the worst case scenario over and over in my head. I knew you were fine — that’s the fucking stupid part — I knew you were fine the second Sano got you home and called me, but I just keep thinking about what would’ve happened, what could’ve happened, and how it’s all my—”_

She cut herself off with a gasp, with another moment of silence following right after. I respected the silence, simply watching the grass gently blowing before me and listening to her desperately try to pull herself together.

_“Why did it have to be me? I’m halfway across the planet, Reyna, I couldn’t have saved you.”_

“I never wanted you to save me,” I disclosed, twiddling with the end of my shoelace.

_“Then why did you send me that song, knowing that I knew what it meant?”_

“I was kinda hoping you forgot, but I sent it because I made a promise, and I wanted the last thing I did to be keeping a promise, instead of breaking one.”

_“… Jesus.”_

“I was in a bad way. I’m sorry, I should’ve given it more thought.”

_“Don’t you dare apologise now. For all I know, you’re alive because you sent me that song and I called Sano. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you died. Reyna, please don’t ever do that to me, or anyone else, ever again. That was easily the worst hour of my life, but I’m glad you’re okay.”_

“I don’t know if ‘okay’ would be accurate.”

_“Then I’m glad you’re alive, E. B. White.”_

My brow furrowed, “Who’s E. B. White?”

_“Co-author of The Elements of Style, a book that was overly concerned with semantics and the exact definitions of words and shit.”_

“You know adding ‘and shit’ to the end of a nerdy sentence doesn’t make it any less nerdy.”

_“I’m a linguistics major, let me have this.”_

“Okay, okay.”

We lingered in the moment, with my smile living its whole life cycle before she continued.

_“Are you gonna be okay? I know we’ve been terrible to each other for the past three years, but you know I’m always here for you.”_

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. You’ll get to be my therapist enough when I get home and we’re living together, anyways.”

_“Obadiah told you already, huh?”_

“Yeah, just this— Jesus, that was this morning? Good Lord, maybe today has been longer than I thought.”

_“It’ll be weird, but it’ll be less weird now.”_

“Yeah, you’re right.”

It was admittedly nice to hear her voice again. I bet she felt the same way.

“Olivia,” I began, recalling my promise to myself a while ago, “I want to do it right this time, I don’t want you to feel like I’m going behind your back or betraying you anymore. So, I want to make sure this time that it’s okay.”

_“Make sure what’s okay?”_

“There’s this girl…”

_“You don’t need my permission, Reyna. We already talked about it before you left, and I know that it’s over for us. I’ll probably still love you, for a while, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I don’t know if it would’ve ever actually worked out between us, but if Mom and Obadiah are going through with this, we can’t try again. It would be too hard on them, on us, and on Sara. It shouldn’t have ended the way it did, sure, but it was right to end it when we did,”_ the shakiness in her voice dissolved as she spoke more confidently than I could recall her sounding in a long time.

“… Okay.”

_“Okay?”_

“Okay.”

_“You gonna start replying to everyone now? Mia and Alex are still worried about you.”_

“Yes, I will,” I relayed, “I want to be better, and that starts with you three. I want to call you guys after Allentown, so let them know. I’m gonna be pretty busy in the next few weeks though, so don’t expect too much of me.”

I felt her proud smile through the phone, across thousands of miles of oceans, _“Busy doing what?”_

I elected to join in on her optimism, rising to my feet with a determined grin.

“Fixing my mess.”


	22. Cold Raviolis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> Cold Raviolis by Skatune Network
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

_ I'm tired of failing, _

_ It's making a hole, _

_ In my heart and in my head, _

_ I've finally lost all control. _

_ I quit my job for this, _

_ But nobody gives a shit, _

_ So this year will be my last of playin’ shows. _

__ Whoever first said ‘easier said than done’ first deserves a medal, then a bullet in the head.

I found myself mentally flogging anything and anyone except myself as I struggled to keep tempo with  _ Cold Raviolis  _ as I went on a morning run for the first time since watching the Denver show with Kairi. It sucked to suddenly be so self-conscious about how I looked and sounded as I ran. Before, I could just sprint at full speed in just a sports bra and some tiny compression shorts, huffing and puffing the whole way and not giving a single shit. Now, the only way I could allow myself to leave the house was in a long sleeve at least, carefully monitoring my breathing and step size so as to not create any undesirable wheezes or jiggles respectively.

And of course it was above ninety degrees today, and my destination was several miles from the apartment. Good grief, I needed to find myself again. Preferably a better version with all of the same conveniences of confidence, but I felt like that might just be a pipe dream.

Regardless of my ire towards the situation, I pressed on, running entirely too fast after such a long break between runs but deciding that if I didn’t have the will to do this, how could I hope to achieve anything else I’d set out to do? My promise to Liv was something I  _ had _ to keep, even if she knew none of the intricacies of how I would keep that promise. Just getting back in touch with everyone was a chore and a half, considering how little bridges had been left unburnt, and how my guilt fought me every step of the way. In the end, I couldn’t even bring myself to message Kumiko or Reina, who I hoped held nothing against anyone and just distanced themselves out of discomfort. Tsumugi, though…

Yeah, out of everyone, she was probably gonna be the hardest to reach out to again. Fuck me.

The rushing sights of Usagiyama provided acceptable enough distraction from that particular train of thought as I kept careening down the clearest end of the sidewalk. The unfamiliarity of my surroundings led me to believe I was on the opposite end of town, probably closer to Kairi’s apartment than my own at this point. Realising I could very well be lost, I removed my phone from my fanny pack as I jogged and checked my Maps app, finding that I was still right on course for Yuri’s place. I then thought about how differently a conversation with her and Sasaki could be charged while I was this soaked and exhausted.

Shut the fuck up, Reyna. They won’t care.

But if they do, maybe I should ask for a towel?

Whatever, cross that bridge when I get to it.

Speaking of bridges, it came time to cross a very similar bridge to the one near my apartment building, giving me some less-than-favourable flashbacks to last week. While I had fought Kairi every step of the way until she got me home, in the current moment, I was thankful she was there for me, even when I kicked and shoved to get her away. I still kept some resentment stored away for her reprehensible methods, but I guess I hadn’t really given her much of an option to do anything but her worst. Since then, she had been cooling off and treating me like a human being as opposed to a plaything, but…

I had equally been too focused on Shino and not focused enough on Shino. She hadn’t been at the apartment when we got back from Nagoya, so I still had to get in touch with her and properly end our fling. Yet another thing on my never-ending list of fuck-ups.

How I had the capacity to think this much while pushing my body to its current limits befuddled me, but I was thankful for the distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, I was running out of things to think about. I became acutely aware of each and every footfall as the shockwave radiated into every muscle in my body, screaming at me to slow down at the very least. Whenever I considered it, I just remembered how I must have looked to Kairi, climbing over the edge of that bridge, and it kept me going, if not pushing my step size further.

I had to be better, and this was the first step. Pops always used to say that a healthy body attracts a healthy mind, and I really needed that to be the case.

At long last, Yuri’s apartment building came into view after rounding one last street corner. Not wanting to come to a sudden stop and puke my guts out, I allowed myself to slow my pace and let my momentum carry me into a speed-walk. Once I had slowed to a saunter, I removed the miniature water bottle from my waist bag and chugged it, then I got to a wall with shade to properly sit myself down and rest.

As I heaved and wheezed, I unplugged my earbuds and retrieved my phone once again and checked my messages, seeing more than a few relieved responses after Liv had inspired me to reply to everyone in the clique.

_ That’s good to hear _

_ If you need anything else, lmk _

_ Take care of urself _

__ Letting those messages inspire me, I scrolled over to Yuri’s contact information and pushed the call button.

_ “Speaking, speaking.” _

“Hey Yuri, what’s your apartment number again?” I asked slowly, still barely managing to breathe correctly.

_ “It’s 628,”  _ she relayed,  _ “But I’m on my way back from helping Hina move. Azusa should be there, just knock the ‘Shave and a Haircut’ pattern and she’ll answer right away.” _

__ I snickered, expecting nothing less from two devout music majors, “Stock.”

_ “Yeah, and I bet your secret knock is the Super Marius pattern. I’ll be there soon.” _

__ Guess I’m just as stock.

“Alright, see you soon.”

With the phone call ending, I closed out all of my apps and locked my device, ‘pocketing’ it once again. Then, I hyped myself up, rose with a grunt, and began marching towards the towering apartment complex. Looking for an outside staircase, I found one on the left corner, then made a beeline for it. While an elevator would be much nicer right now, I found myself not wanting to attract any unnecessary attention for whatever reason. At the reminder of my dwindling courage, I reached back to fiddle with my small bun. It wasn’t my ponytail, by any measure, but it was good to have something to occasionally reach back for.

As I cursed the existence of stairs and ascended, I pondered my relationship with Sasaki, and if there was any way that it could be used as a pathway to get back in with Kumiko and Reina. It wasn’t the most wholesome thought, admittedly, but it was an option. I needed all of the help I could get, and Sasaki had one of those ‘networking’ personalities that could do just that. Hopefully that wouldn’t be asking too much of her too soon, though.

I put my wild ideas on the back burner as I crested the last few stairs to the sixth floor, following the signs to the 620’s, then finally arriving at the door. As I readied my knocking fist, I couldn’t help but notice more than one voice emanating from inside. I recoiled at the concept of them having company over, but the thought of them likely being some of Yuri’s friends made it bearable. Finally, I knocked in the recommended pattern.

“Coming!” Sasaki’s voice sounded on the other side, with a series of footsteps following.

The door creaked open, revealing a narrow hallway with Sasaki standing directly before me. I couldn’t help but notice how ‘comfortably’ she was dressed and do a double-take on who else could be inside.

“Morning, Sasaki-san,” I greeted as I fought the urge to peek past her or examine her form-fitting attire further.

“Morning, Rey-san,” she returned the greeting and leaned against the doorframe, “As much as I’d like to believe you’re here to see me, I know you’re here for Yuri. Do you want a towel? You look like you just ran all the way here.”

“I did, and yeah, if I may.”

“I’ll grab you one. Feel free to find a seat in the living room,” she directed as she spun around and waltzed into another hallway further down.

I obliged her directions, leaving my shoes at the door and traipsing into the living room. As soon as I rounded the corner, I was met with the curious eyes of Kumiko and Reina seated at a central table.

Of course. They were Sasaki’s friends and she just got into Kyoto a few days ago. Why was I expecting anyone else?

“Rey-san?” Kumiko perked up, “How have you been? I feel like we haven’t seen or heard from you since the semester ended.”

I flinched at the instant familiarity as Reina piped up, “What did you do to your hair? And is that a new tattoo?”

My surprise froze my body in place as I wondered precisely why I never expected this outcome. Sure, things got weird after the fight, and I distanced myself from everyone except Yuri afterwards, but I hadn’t done anything to garner ill will from either of them specifically. I had just accepted the notion that they would be upset with me too. How paranoid of me.

“Reyna?” Reina inquired.

“I’m sorry,” I let out a light laugh, “It’s been weird, but I’m doing better recently. The hair was just to get rid of the silver, and yes, it’s a new tattoo. I always wanted to do one myself.”

“That’s good that you’re doing better. I’m sorry we didn’t make an effort to reach out, we just figured you wanted to be left alone,” Kumiko remarked as she rested her arms on the table and leaned over them.

I shook myself loose from my stasis and joined them at one of the empty ends of the table, “That’s probably right. The last few weeks are kinda blurry, I don’t really know what I did or didn’t want. I’m sorry I got distant, I expected you two to be upset with me like everyone else.”

“Why would we be?” Reina furrowed her brow in confusion, “Mia told me most of that stuff already during the indoor season, and what happened between you and Kotobuki-san is none of our business, anyways.”

“Mia told you?” I blurted out, leaning over the table. I couldn’t decide whether to be furious at Mia for telling tales out of school, or be eternally grateful since this was the outcome.

Kumiko chimed in with her perspective, “I was surprised, but I didn’t believe that you were like that anymore. Since we’ve met, at least as far as I’ve seen, you’ve always been really cognisant of other people and their feelings. And like Reina said, what happened between you and Kotobuki-san has nothing to do with us.”

Their words stayed in my mind long after they had finished saying them. I couldn’t help but feel so ecstatic, so thankful that they felt the way they did. Instead of that drowning sensation I’d felt since the fight, I instead felt content. While the rest wasn’t going to be that much easier now, I still felt like so much weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Relief overtook me as a smile formed on my face.

“Rey-san, why are you crying?”

At the prompt, I brought a hand to my cheek, feeling the flowing tears and confirming her observation. I hadn’t even noticed.

“I’m just… really glad, I guess,” I gasped out as I batted the weak streams away.

The sound of Sasaki’s approaching footsteps flowed perfectly into her observations on our exchange, “I’ve only been gone for a minute, how did you make her cry already?”

“It’s not like that!” Kumiko waved her hand at Sasaki, “They’re happy tears, right, Rey-san?”

“Yeah,” I sniffed, letting the chuckle encourage the last of the tears to dry up, “It’s just been a hard few weeks.”

Azusa cocked her head in bemusement, but shook it off with a light smile, joining us at the table and extending a small towel to me.

“So, you three,” Sasaki mimicked Kumiko’s position, “How’s Yamada? I’ve been considering moving back home and transferring once Yuri and I get back from Finals.”

I snapped around to her as I wrung out my hair, “Wait, you and Yuri are going to Finals? Those aren’t cheap plane tickets.”

“You’re damn right they’re not, but we both miss drum corps too much to not see it all year, and doing gigs around the area has given us enough disposable income to go. Why don’t you come with us? It’d be fun, and since you’ve marched longer maybe we wouldn’t get lost in Lucas Oil Stadium again.”

“While I could probably afford it,” I entertained the idea for a moment before really thinking about it, “I shouldn’t go back to America just yet. If I go now, I don’t think I’d want to come back.”

“Fair enough. We’ll take videos for you and tell the Outriders you said hi,” she nodded at herself, glancing up to make a mental note to do so.

Reina brought the conversation back on track, “And about Yamada, the music program is kinda disappointing since Niiyama-sensei left and the concert band collapsed, so don’t come expecting performance opportunities.”

“I thought you guys were supposed to be forming a jazz band?” Sasaki promptly returned, with the remaining three of us wincing to different degrees.

“I’m not so sure about that anymore,” Kumiko contributed as she twiddled her hair.

“Perhaps,” I started, hesitating to consider the idea before pitching it, “Does Yuri or do any of the others play instruments? We could form a small ensemble with them?”

“I’m honestly not certain, but it’s worth asking Yuri about it,” Sasaki remarked as she rested her chin in her hand, “I don’t know much about her clique yet, but I’m pretty sure they all main colour guard.”

“Maybe we could get Kairi in on it, too…”

“Sano-san?” Reina furrowed her brow, “You’re not upset with her, even after what she did?”

I scrunched my mouth to one side, “It’s complicated.”

“That’s good, though,” Kumiko let out a soft sigh, “I was worried things would be awkward at the—”

She was interrupted by a sudden elbow from Reina, queuing the two to lock eyes for a moment. I cocked my head at the display, wondering if they were up to something, but I was simultaneously thankful for the distraction from any further questions about my feelings towards Kairi. Trying to explain the mess that was me and Kairi’s ‘friendship’ right now did not sound like something I was up for.

“Let’s see about Moon-san and the others first, though,” Kumiko rounded out the discussion.

As we spoke of the devil, the locks on the door clacked in sequence, giving way to the sound of the entrance swinging open and Yuri announcing her return.

After enough time to disembark her shoes, she appeared around the bend with a bag in each hand, “Ah, Reyna, you’re here already. Already introduced yourself to Kousaka-san and Oumae-san, then?”

The four of us smirked before I piped up, “Didn’t need to.”

“Is that so? Small world.”

“Gets smaller every day.”

“If no one else is gonna ask,” Sasaki interjected with a gesture towards Yuri’s cargo, “What’s in the bags?”

Yuri lifted the left one in response, “You’ll never believe it, but I found an authentic gilgeori toast restaurant on the way back. I was so excited that I bought quite a bit.”

“Looks like it, that bag is  _ not _ empty.”

“Be nice,” she cast a pointer finger at her temporary roommate, “Or you don’t get any.”

As Sasaki pouted, I couldn’t help but giggle at their rapport, and become overwhelmed by the notion of being surrounded by friends once again. In the past few weeks, I had admittedly become a bit of a shut-in, and not attaching to anyone in particular when I did occasionally leave the house. Even while consistently getting laid and going out to bars or social events, I had felt exceedingly isolated, and in this apartment, with these four so casually and contentedly hanging out, I finally received some respite from that torture.

It was a speedier recovery than I expected, but I’ve always bounced back really hard. Though, what comes up must come down, so even if I didn’t want to, I kept my guard up.

————————————————————

“Alright, what the hell,” I exasperatedly expressed as we continued walking, “We already walked past the shopping arcade and the supermarket, so where are we going? I didn’t wear the right shoes for this.”

“Do you really want to spoil the surprise, when you’re so close to finding out for yourself?” Kanna implored, spinning around to face me.

I sighed at her consistent eccentricity, instead turning to our third party member for answers, “Midori?”

“I’m sorry, Reyna,” she divulged with a worried glance to Kanna, “But I’ve been blackmailed into going along with it.”

“Say any more and I’ll remove all the screws from your desk,” Kanna relayed as she menacingly leaned in towards the golden bob cut.

“See what I mean?”

I scoffed at the display, turning on my autopilot as I unsheathed my phone and buried myself in it in protest. A new message from Kairi piqued my interest:

_ Should I bring any snacks for Finals on Saturday? _

__ How the fuck did I forget that was this weekend? Jesus, time really had been screaming by, huh?

_ Please do, but not too much junk food. I’m still trying to lose my hikikomori weight _

__ At the self-inflicted reminder, I tugged at the belt of chub that I’d developed since the semester ended, and cursed my depression from keeping me inactive and out of my running shoes. I was not a fan of how my metabolism had been slowing down away from drum corps.

“Before we go any further, Reyna-chan,” Kanna called back to me as she led, “Do you prefer pattern prints or solid colours?”

I furrowed my brow but elected to humour her anyways, “It depends on the situation. Usually I prefer solid colours, but most of my favourite clothes are pattern prints. Why?”

“This is all I needed to know,” she nodded with a huff, spinning back around.

I let out a heavy sigh, doing my best to block out the sensation of my sandals digging into the calluses from my running shoes.

“So, Midori,” I played along with Kanna in spite of myself by redirecting the conversation, “How has the dance studio been going? I haven’t had the chance to ask you about it since you got that job.”

The corners of her mouth upturned at the mention, “It’s been really great overall, but they are mainly having me teach the grade schoolers at the moment, so it’s hard work. Every now and then, I get to sit in with one of my senpais teaching the high schooler classes, and it’s amazing to watch. I get so jealous, wishing I was as talented as they are when I was their age, but every time I realise that I’m thinking that way, I feel so old.”

“I totally get what you mean. I was the same way when I taught band back home.”

“You’re a teacher, too?” Kanna stepped in, “I could never have the patience.”

“And you think I do?” I chuckled, recalling some of the more difficult kids in Kapareno HS Band.

“Reyna-chan, be honest: are you a good teacher?”

I crossed my arms haughtily, “The best. They didn’t call me Sergeant Marten for nothing.”

“I wish I could be tough on my students,” Midori lamented, “But dance moms are ferocious, and they’d have my head if I did anything but lightly criticise their ‘little angels.’ It’s sugarcoating things all the time.”

“Dance moms are crazy in Japan, too, huh?” I crossed my arms behind my back as we journeyed across yet another crosswalk.

“Are they that way everywhere?” Midori inquired as her pace slowed to be equidistant of me and Kanna.

I rolled my eyes at the memories, “At least the ones I’ve met are the worst. My little sister did drill team in high school, and good Christ did I hear some stories.”

“What's a drill team?”

“It’s a dance club that does routines and twirls batons, mainly at football games but the better ones compete in their own circuits.”

“That sounds like a baton club, but harder,” she rubbed her chin, likely trying to picture it.

“I couldn’t tell you,” I elaborated, “I’ve never seen a Japanese high school baton club.”

Kanna gasped at my addition, “Mido-chan, we have to pull out the recording from our senior year performance when we get back to the apartment and show her.”

“Can we not, please?” Midori crossed her arms and grimaced, “I was so bad back then, and that wasn’t a really good time for me, anyways.”

“But now it’s a great time for you, right?” Kanna pried as she hip-checked her partner.

Even from behind, I could tell that Midori’s face had become fully flushed at the implication, to which Kanna and I shared a teasing giggle.

“I didn’t even think that you knew, Reyna,” Midori shamefully sent her gaze to the ground.

I raised an eyebrow and grinned, “I may have been distant, but I’m not oblivious. Kanna hasn’t slept in her own room in at least a week.”

Now it was Kanna’s turn for her face to glow red as the two averted their eyes from me entirely and shared the occasional flustered glance.

What a pair of disasters. It reminded me of when Liv and I first started talking, which had somehow become a pleasant memory at some point in the past few days.

The notion of an unoccupied room in the apartment brought Pops’ call from a few days ago back into my mind, “Oh, that reminds me—”

“Another time,” Kanna stopped us with an extended arm, “We have arrived.”

At the prompting, I raised my gaze from the horizon to the sizable shopping mall ahead of us. I couldn’t help but be somewhat embarrassed by the notion that I’d been living in Usagiyama for nearly a month now and I never knew we had a shopping mall. While I stood a few feet back, staring with awe and unease, the pair ahead whispered to each other about their plans for the destination. Activating my eavesdropper’s hearing, I picked out the word ‘festival,’ but nothing else. They definitely were up to something, but what exactly? I couldn’t figure it out.

They threw up a unison thumbs-up, first at each other, then to me as Kanna spoke, “Let’s head in!”

I scoffed at the display, shoving my hands in my pockets and reluctantly following along. As we ascended a set of stairs, we proceeded together into the shopping mall. Instantly, I was flashed back to free days on the Riverwalk or in the Mall of America, getting nostalgic for when I could walk around such a locale without feeling such intense culture shock. Whatever these two had planned was very obviously a days-long plan, so I was obligated to humour them, for at least a little bit longer.

What could a shopping mall have to do with a festival, though? Admittedly, I hadn’t looked into the local festivals at all, be it when they were, how long they were, or what they entailed, but I knew that they were a huge deal, especially so close to one of the bigger cities in the nation, and especially the summer bon festivals. I couldn’t help but be intrigued, though another part of me had latched onto the social isolation of my short stint as a shut-in and grew anxious at the implication of being in a sea of people having a whole lot more fun than I would be having in said scenario.

After passing nearly a dozen interesting shops and locales, Kanna finally turned off of the main walkways and directed us into a more traditional clothing store. As we passed by all of the popular, modern clothing and ventured closer to the traditional summer wear, I finally caught a whiff of what was really going on.

“Nuh-uh,” I blurted out, grabbing the duo’s attention.

“What?” Kanna halted and heel-turned to face me.

“If what I think is happening is happening,” I scowled at the rows of yukatas just a few metres ahead of us, “It better not be.”

Midori pursed her lips, “It’s your first authentic Japanese bon festival, at least try some out.”

“I haven’t worn a dress of any kind since I graduated high school. There’s no way I’m getting in a yukata.”

“Then don’t think of it as a dress,” Kanna made several indiscernible gestures with the full length of her arms, “Think of it as a big, flowing jacket, or like a longer version of your Hawaiian shirts.”

“You know I wear those ironically, right?” I huffed, tightly crossing my arms and kicking my left hip out.

“You walked all this way in sandals, and geta are just bad sandals,” Kanna stayed persistent, “Just finish the outfit.”

I realised I was starting to cave, so I tried to negotiate with a pout, “Can I at least wear a jinbei or a hippari?”

It was Midori’s turn to step in with her two cents, “We are  _ not  _ letting you go to your first bon festival in grandpa clothes, and Kanna won’t leave until you at least try one on.”

Kanna affirmed the assertion with an exaggerated nod and a heavy huff. Bouncing between the two of them, I realised I wasn’t going to get anywhere by fighting them, and my only option was to just accept the torture and remain going with their flow.

“Don’t you have to be wearing an undershirt or a bra to try clothes on, though?” I questioned, scratching my temple awkwardly.

They tilted their heads simultaneously, with Midori speaking up, “Are you not wearing a bra?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because bras are a prison for your boobs.”

“But you own more than a few.”

I found myself staring at the floor as I felt my cheeks warming up, “They don’t fit anymore, and I don’t feel like buying any new ones.”

Kanna’s eyes twinkled, “Reyna-chan, your boobs grew?”

“Only ‘cause I gained weight in the past few weeks!”

“Well,” Midori giggled as she pushed me towards the array of yukatas on display, “We just won’t tell anyone. Come on, pick one or two out.”

I pursed my lips, bringing my eyes back up to assess my options. My vision filled with prints of koi, chrysanthemums, sakura petals, and other stereotypical Japanese designs. Feeling too gaijin to be looking at any of it, I moved on past the solid colours and ended up being drawn towards the short kimonos on the furthest end. The idea of wearing a skirt or a short dress was always more palatable to my tomboy brain than an ankle-long dress anyways. I glanced to Kanna and Midori, who nodded at my logic.

Feeling somewhat into it now, I ended up stopping at a blue wave-pattern kimono paired with a short, deep blue hakama. Giving it a smile, I once again looked to my roommates for approval.

“It definitely screams Reyna-chan,” Kanna noted with a hand on her chin.

“Maybe this would fit her better than a yukata, anyways,” Midori concurred, giving me all the confirmation I needed.

“It’s settled, then,” I affirmed, bending at the waist to grab a set from the shelf below the display set. After grabbing the outfit, Kanna led us to the changing rooms and beckoned me to do the deed. I obliged, heading in and locking the door behind me.

Not wanting to do this for any longer than I had to, I quickly disrobed, removing my shirt and shorts and tossing them aside, then staring at the kimono and its accompanying obi for some time, trying to figure out the best path forward. Accepting that I had only a surface-level understanding of what the hell I was doing, I went forth with confidence, wrapping the kimono tight around myself and haphazardly securing it in place with the obi. With that, I then grabbed the hakama and slipped it over my legs, wrapping and tying the strings however I could. Not wanting to see myself before Kanna and Midori could approve or disapprove, I averted my eyes from the interior mirror and shuffled my way out of the changing room.

Once I stepped outside, fully dressed, I presented myself to the pair and witnessed their responses. Kanna’s eyes instantly began to twinkle as she shot me a confident thumbs up. Midori had an indiscernible stare as her fingers curled around the top of her chin.

After a second of contemplation, she spoke, “We’ll have to teach you how to tie it properly, and you might have to wear thigh-highs or stockings, but it definitely works. Did you look?”

I quelled my girlish excitement at playing dress up to try to answer as maturely as possible, “I wanted to double-check with you two first.”

“Go take a look, but tie your hair all the way, first.”

I nodded, shuffling over to one of the wall-mounted mirrors, keeping my back to it whilst I untied my tuft, pulled the whole of my hair back, and packed it into an acceptable low bun. Bracing myself for the view, I took in and released a deep breath, then turned around and took myself in.

As I stared into the mirror, I barely even saw myself. My fading memories of my mother came rushing back as I remembered what it was like wearing yukatas in the house and being raised with my Japanese heritage. The girl in the mirror wasn’t Reyna Marten, adopted daughter of Obadiah Marten. She wasn’t Suzuka Reyna, weak attempt at dissociation and avoiding discrimination for being foreign. She was Suzuka Reyna, half-Japanese daughter of Suzuka Haruna. In the few seconds it took to fully observe myself in the traditional clothing of my people, I felt closer to my mother and my ancestral roots than I had for my entire life.

Not wanting to look away and lose this sensation, I stared lovingly into the idea of the reflection and began to weep. For the first time in a very long time, I sobbed not for myself and who I’d become, but for who I should’ve been, and how I can honour her by being who I was meant to be. Noticing my ugly crying just a few metres away, Kanna and Midori rushed to my side and begged to know what was wrong. Instead of answering them, I extended my arms and took them into an embrace.

“Did we do it, Mido-chan?”

“I think we did it, Kanna.”

“Thank you, so much…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharo / Paco here,
> 
> So, perhaps you’ll remember after Chapter 15 when I said there would only be 15 more chapters after that?
> 
> Yeah thanks to the slowing pace of the narrative, each chapter in my outline has split into two, so from this point, I have no clue how many more chapters there will be, but I know where we’ll end up, and that’s the important part. So, put up your feet, folks, this could last a long longer than I first thought.
> 
> Also, the commission art of the characters has become a steady flow with better and better artists finding me, so while I don’t have anything this week, be prepared for more art! I replaced the art of Reyna after Chapter 17 a few days ago, and a panel of CLANNAD Junior is in the works, so yeah.
> 
> I don’t really have much else, so thank you again for sticking around. Hopefully the sweeter endings of the past three chapters have prepared you for more peaks and valleys to come.
> 
> See you again in two weeks!


	23. Feels Like Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> 715 - CREEKS by Bon Iver  
> Feels Like Summer by Childish Gambino  
> The Green Groves of Erin by Yo-Ya Ma
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

————————————————————

_715 - CREEKS — Fujibayashi Shino_

_————————————————————_

My trembling only got stronger as I climbed the steps to Apartment Fifty-Two, a place where I used to feel so at home. It had been almost a week since I was there. Last Tuesday, the day that Reyna…

It had nothing to do with me, but I couldn’t help but be consumed by guilt every single time I thought about it, and how conveniently oblivious I had been the entire two weeks leading up to it. The memory made me feel so worthless, ignoring every red flag and selfishly taking her suffering and running with it because it benefitted me. My shudders got worse as I became deathly afraid of the Reyna I’d encounter when I got to the apartment. Kairi, despite informing me of Tuesday’s events and visiting a few times since, had kept me fairly in the dark about how Reyna had been doing.

The last time I remember seeing her was that morning, in tears, and all I did was pretend to comfort her. God, I’m garbage.

As I scaled the steps, I looked off into the horizon in an attempt to distract myself from my equally worthless self-pity. It had been nearly a month since Hanako and I moved down here, but I still couldn’t get over the view of Kyoto in the distance. Sure, Tokyo was bigger, but the distance from there to Hikarizaka was significantly more than Usagiyama was to its mother city. Although the scenery preceding the view was so painfully suburban, this was the closest to city life I’d gotten. Made me feel like I was finally getting somewhere, doing something with myself.

How much more time would I waste before I got around to _actually_ doing something with myself?

Brushing that question away yet again, I forced myself up the last few steps to the fifth floor, anxiously tiptoeing the rest of the way.

Arriving at the door, I first analysed the noise inside, hearing a man speaking in English with laughing ensuing every few seconds. That particular soundscape prepared me to see everyone sitting around the TV, probably having dinner since that was about what time it was. Pulling in a deep breath, then heavily exhaling, I knocked on the door. Barely a few seconds passed before the entrance peeled open, revealing Tokiwa in an apron on the other side, first staring blankly through the threshold, then finding me and smiling.

“Fujibayashi-san,” she greeted, opening the entry the rest of the way, “I feel like you haven’t been over a few days, come in.”

“Thank you, and excuse me,” I smiled back, dipping my head at her words, stepping inside, and shedding my shoes.

After the door sealed behind me, I scanned the living room and dining room, finding only Tokiwa slipping back around the counter to likely continue cooking, and Makino melting into the kotatsu, eyes trained on the TV playing one of Reyna’s preferred comedy specials. No sign of Reyna so far, which internally made me equally relieved and frustrated. Externally, I stayed as neutral as possible.

Tokiwa always had an eye for that kind of thing though, calling me out instantly, “Looking for Reyna? She’s in her room with Sasaki-san.”

“Sasaki-san?” I gently tilted my head, but fought the urge to tear my hair out. I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, or feel envious in any way, but how close we got in those two weeks prevented any other reaction, I suppose.

Tokiwa shrugged her shoulders, glancing over to Makino. I followed her example.

“One of Moon-san’s friends,” Makino droned, her only movement coming from her mouth and chin, “She’s good with music and Reyna is making music.”

The golden bob-cut closed her eyes in resignation, “I’ve been so tired from work that I miss these kinds of things. Kanna’s memory is impeccable, though.”

“It’s true,” Makino raised a finger, “Ask me anything about our shared past and I will answer correctly.”

Allowing myself to get sucked into their antics in hope that it would calm me down, I decided to test her claim, “Okay, what did I make for breakfast last Monday?”

“Natto.”

“Is that right?” Tokiwa questioned while she packed some onigiri.

I turned to her and shrugged, “I couldn’t tell you, I don’t remember.”

“It was natto,” the frizzy brunette confirmed with confidence, “I specifically recall you using Reyna’s spicy mustard instead of the karashi.”

An embarrassed chuckle slipped out of me as I rested my hand on the nape of my neck, “Is that so? I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, it was actually kinda good.”

Sensing that the exchange was about to lull, I took the opportunity to spin back around to Tokiwa and probe for more information, “Do you think they’ll mind if I intrude?”

“I doubt it,” she nonchalantly replied, sending my wild notions for what they could be up to out the window.

I nodded with feigned confidence, taking my first steps towards Reyna’s room, “Okay, thanks.”

Almost immediately after laying my eyes on the cracked entry and the lack of light past it, whatever willpower or relaxation I’d managed to gather disappeared, leaving just my nervous trembling returning with a vengeance. I grabbed my right arm in an attempt to steady myself, released, then gently pushed the door open.

“Excuse me,” I quietly led, slipping through and seeing the two at Reyna’s desk. 

Reyna was sitting at her chair with her hands on her laptop and one of her earbuds in, with a slender, ebony-ponytailed girl leaning horizontally over her shoulder, wearing the other earbud. They glanced to me as I poked out of the doorframe, their starkly lit faces in contrast to the darkness surrounding them sending a chill down my spine.

“Hey, Shino,” Reyna acknowledged me by leaning around who I assumed was Sasaki, “Get comfortable, we’re just finishing up.”

I obliged with a nod and a quick shuffle to the bed, perching on the edge, crossing my legs, and pressing my hands into my lap. Giving the interior a once-over, I noticed how much tidier it had become since I last saw it. All the hard lemonade cans had vanished, her bed was neatly made, all of her clothes had been hung up or folded out of sight, and her desk ashtray had vanished, leaving a bottle of vape juice in its wake. Rather than panic about the difference, I smirked to myself, proud of the progress, but also ashamed that it only happened after I had left her alone.

After some time, Sasaki pulled out her earbud, stood upright, flicked on the light, and turned to Reyna, “It’s really good. I don’t know why you even invited me over, it sounds perfect how it is.”

“You really think so?” the cat-eyed girl rested her cheek in her hand, “You don’t think the additions take anything away from the tone of the original?”

“Well, do you want it to be an exact cover, or your own unique take on the song? I think you’re reaching for things to dislike about it. Have faith in your vision, Rey-chan.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” the ponytailed stranger poked Reyna’s headband, “I’m the Blue Angel, and you’re the Outrider. That makes me better.”

“Oh, is that so?” Reyna furrowed her brow and smirked, “Alright, go away, we’ll join you guys in the living room in a bit. And close the door.”

Sasaki rotated around to glance at me, who was sheepishly waiting for my turn, then spoke as she waltzed out, “Gotcha, take your time.”

As the door closed behind her, Reyna unplugged the earbuds from her laptop, then plugged in her speaker.

“Wanna hear it?” she questioned, spinning the chair halfway between me and the desk.

I repositioned, placing my hands behind myself and slouching back, “Your latest project?”

“Yeah.”

“Then yes please.”

She then awkwardly rolled out of the way, pressing the spacebar and crossing her arms as the song jumped across the gap into me, her multiple, unison voices filling my ears.

_Down along the creek,_

_I remember something._

_Her, the heron hurried away,_

_When first I breeched that last Sunday._

_……_

_Low moon don the yellow road,_

_I remember something._

_That leaving wasn't easing,_

_All that heaving in my vines,_

_And as certain it is evening 'at is now is not the time._

_……_

_Toiling with your blood,_

_I remember something._

_In B, unrationed kissing on a night second to last._

_Finding both your hands as second sun came past the glass._

_And oh, I know it felt right, and I had you in my grasp._

_Oh, then how we gonna cry?_

_Cause it once might not mean something._

_Love, a second glance it is not something that we'll need,_

_Honey, understand that I have been left here in the reeds,_

_But all I'm trying to do is get my feet out from the crease._

_And I'll see you._

_Turn around, you're my A-Team._

_Turn around now, you're my A-Team._

_God damn, turn around now, you're my A-Team…_

She proceeded to roll back into the gap, clicking on the keyboard for a few seconds, then closing the laptop and spinning to face me, hunched over with her arms resting on her thighs.

“… Any thoughts?”

I scratched the back of my head as I started, “I don’t understand most of the English, but it sounds really pretty. How did you make it sound like so many of you at once?”

“A vocoder software,” she elaborated, “It was my favourite part of the original song, and while it was a bitch and a half to figure out, Sasaki seems to think I got it down.”

“I agree. It’s really nice, Reyna. I didn’t know you could sing so well.”

Our exchange fell silent for a time, neither of us really sure what to do with our hands. 

I elected to try to break the silence with an apology, “I’m sorry I didn’t see that you were hurting. I feel so stupid, I should’ve said something.”

“Don’t feel that way,” she returned promptly, “I chose to be distant, and I’m sorry I took advantage of you. I’m glad you came over, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

Her choice of words caused me to recoil slightly, “What do you mean?”

Probably unsure of how to begin, she leaned back in her chair, shoving her hands into her hoodie’s central pocket. I patiently awaited, both wanting to know what came next and being terrified to hear what I expected was next.

“Depression isn’t an excuse to take advantage of people that care about you, and that’s exactly what I did. I’m really sorry, but I’m pretty sure you wanted more out of what we had going than I could or can provide, and I don’t want to lead you on like that. I’ve got too much damage to give anyone proper attention at the moment, so if it isn’t already over, we need to end whatever is between us. You’re always welcome here, but I can’t be anything more than a friend to you right now. You don’t have to forgive me, just know that I am truly sorry for roping you into my mess.”

Choosing not to process what she was saying, I fought, “Don’t be sorry, and there’s nothing to forgive. I never wanted anything more than to be there for you and be what you needed me to be, but I don’t need anything more from you. _I’m_ sorry that I couldn’t help you, but I want to try again, actually help you this time. I want to be better for you, Reyna, so please, let me in, let me be needed.”

Her eyes shot to the floor, “I don’t need you to be my fuck-buddy, Shino. I never needed that, I just fell back into old habits, and you happened to get caught up in said habits. I like you, I really do, but I can’t be what you need me to be. Not for you, not for anyone. I really need to focus on myself right now, figure out how to fix myself, and I need to do that alone.”

“Bullshit, you don’t ever have to be alone. I want to be by your side, no matter what you’ve done or who you become. I love y—”

“—Don’t say that. Please, for the love of God, don’t say that. Not to me.”

Those words ripped straight through me yet again, tearing open the wound that Kairi left after she said the same. I sent my gaze down in a vain attempt to hide my welling tears. I couldn’t believe that this was happening, again. Why did I think this time would be any different?

Through my eyelashes, I watched her shake her head at herself, “I’m sorry, Shino. Don’t love me. I’m not worth that, not how I am.”

“Don’t you realise how unfair that is?” I blurted out, digging my fingernails into the comforter, “You may not need me, but I need you. You _made_ me need you. Over the past few weeks, you’ve been the first thing to give my life real meaning in awhile, even if it was small, just someone to wake up to. Whether you meant to or not, you made me yours. I still have the fucking hickeys, for crying out loud. And now that you’re healing, none of that mattered? I’m just another mistake to you?”

Her eyebrows upturned with guilt, and for some reason I couldn’t pin down, that made me vengefully delighted. All of my years of frustration with Kairi had burst out at the concept that Reyna was no different, and apparently, any meaningful relationship I’ve ever had was completely one-sided, and I’d only ever been a toy to be used and discarded. I couldn’t help but be so irrationally indignant, so furious with that lot in life. I honestly hadn’t fully decided whether Reyna deserved to be the target of that rage, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way, Shino,” she weakly muttered, avoiding even a glimpse of me, “I… I don’t know what else to say. I’m terrible, and you shouldn’t waste your feelings on me. You deserve better than me.”

Seeing the ablaze bridge between us, I rose to my feet, letting my streaming tears flow freely, “I never wanted better than you. I wanted you. Now, though, I just want to go home.”

“I’m sorry. I won’t stop you…”

Fuck.

Sorry didn’t help. It just hurt more.

And I had to get past Makino and Tokiwa like this.

I promptly pushed through the door to her room, closing it behind me. Then, I stopped in the hallway long enough to gather what little strength I had left to wipe away the waterworks and keep them at bay with enough time to escape without worrying anyone too much. Knowing I had little time, I quickly strolled out through the living room, averting my swollen eyes from the others.

“See you all later,” I managed to call back as I pressed through to the entryway hall.

Exiting before anyone managed to reply, I sealed the door and sped down towards the stairwell, feeling the tears welling up once more. After I’d evaded earshot, I allowed myself to sob as hard as my body could manage, making no effort to quell my whimpers and sniffles as I nearly sprinted down to solid ground.

Love wasn’t that simple for a Fujibayashi. It was a devastating curse, passed down to me, and I fucking hated it so much. Maybe it was my own fault for falling for essentially the same girl twice, but why should that fall on me? Why did my love life have to be like this? Why were the only identifiable passions I had destined to fall apart just as I started to find happiness? It was such incredible bullshit, and all of that dissatisfaction was tearing me apart. Not wanting to have to explain my state to Kairi or Hanako, I began to run through Usagiyama with no particular direction.

If this was some sort of test, I wanted to know what for. If it was some kind of punishment, I wanted to know why. Most of all, I wanted it all to stop.

After years of only wanting to escape Hikarizaka, now I only wanted to go back. I wanted to go home.

————————————————————

_Feels Like Summer — Moon Yuri_

_————————————————————_

_You can feel it in the streets,_

_On a day like this, the heat,_

_It feel like summer._

_I feel like summer._

_I feel like summer._

The sedated vibes of Erin’s most recent song recommendation underscored my balcony time perfectly, while also being expectedly in line with how I was feeling. Japanese summers were never my favourite, on account of how ridiculously hot it got, but now, I was just glad it wasn’t Texas or California. Summers in the bottom half of the United States were on a completely different level. Enjoying my leisure in stark contrast to last summer, I took a long drag on my pen and filled my lungs with THC.

As my mind started to absorb the weed, I contemplated my current situation while I was calm enough to not freak out about it. I’d only been here in Japan since I graduated high school, but it was beginning to feel more like home than home did. The addition of the guard clique, Reyna, and now Azusa’s friends had almost entirely taken my mind off of how strange everything had been in these past few years. With the exception of these sessions on the balcony, I barely ever had the desire to think about my past. This was the most I’d been able to relax in a very long time, and I was eternally thankful to the people that made that so. I should thank them more often, shouldn’t I?

Speaking of, the glass door connecting the living room to the balcony sluggishly slid open, with Azusa slinking through the gap. With some quick glances around the space, she found me leaning against the rightmost wall, her eyes finding my chest before my disapproving stare.

“Azusa,” I chided with a teasing grin, “Do I have to say it?”

“I’m sorry,” her cheeks warmed up as she sent her gaze to the suburbia below us, “Shouldn’t unbutton your shirt that much while you’re out here, though. People could still see you.”

“So? That doesn’t bother me, and it’s too hot out here,” I ran my free fingertips down my sternum, catching the last clasped button on my way down.

“So strangers can look, but I can’t?”

“They don’t know that I’m spoken for, but you do, meaning you should have at least a little moral obligation to not look.”

“I should,” she snickered to herself as she rested her arms on the bars, “But I don’t.”

I rolled my eyes, “It’s a wonder you’re single with how aggressive you are.”

“I think that’s precisely why I’m single,” she lamented, placing her chin on the highest bar, “Because there’s certainly not a lack of options anymore.”

“Who would you go for?”

Her mouth pressed to the left, letting me know not to pry too much.

Accepting the silent advisory, I redirected my inquisition, “When did you know?”

“How do you mean?”

“Was there like, a moment where you realised you liked girls, or did you just never have an interest in boys?”

Azusa glanced over, accidentally landing on my chest yet again, “I mean, both? I was never really into guys, but there’s definitely a few moments where I realised why.”

Rather than tease her again, I buttoned up my shirt as I interrogated her, “Was it a specific girl that made you realise?”

“Two, but one had more of a vested interest in bringing it out of me for sure,” she smirked nostalgically, causing me to wonder if bringing it up would hurt.

“Tell me about her.”

“Why do you want to know all of the sudden?” she raised an eyebrow, “We’ve known each other for almost a year now, and you’ve never asked.”

“Well,” I motioned to the dab pen in my hand, “It’s hard to make conversation when I’m high. Humour me.”

She shot a disapproving look at the device, then heavily sighed, “Hiiragi Serina. She, Kumiko-chan, Reina, and I all went to the same middle school. Specifically, her and I were really close towards the end, and one day, she pinned me down and asked me what I meant to her. I was so surprised, and didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was, so I didn’t respond, and that was almost the end of that. Thankfully, when we reunited in high school, after I had figured out a little bit more about myself, she did it again, and I basically told her I needed her. So, I guess that’s when I _really_ knew.”

I let her words settle before I continued, “So what happened?”

“What always happens,” she wore a smile in spite of her downcast gaze, “Same with the other. I’ve had run-ins since, but it’s been pretty lonely otherwise.”

“I get that,” I related somewhat, “I mean, not completely, but you know what I mean.”

“Aren’t you with some American boy right now? You know, the real reason we’re going to Finals? How’d that happen, anyways?”

“I never told you?”

“If you did, I don’t remember.”

I took another extended hit before elaborating, “It’s that tall, bearded boy that I was hanging out with near the end of the summer. Outriders, same corps as Reyna. Same instrument as Reyna, in fact.”

“You know,” Azusa raised a hand to her mouth as she snickered, “We marched against forty-one different corps last season, so why do we keep running into Outriders?”

“What other Outriders have you run into?”

“I never told you about meeting Sano Kairi?”

I breathed in to speak, but no words came out. My disbelief at her words completely froze my inner dialogue, with my reduced brain power being unable to override the surprise.

“Yuri?”

“Wait,” I chuckled, regaining control, “You know Sano too? Jeez, the world may be getting smaller after all. When did you meet her?”

Her eyebrow twitched as she recounted the event, “We met on the airplane back last season. Why, how do you know her?”

“We did a gig together a while ago, for a girl that wanted to record a love song, and we’ve been hanging out every now and then since. I’m being careful around her though, Reyna’s told me some stories.”

“Kousaka Reina or Reyna Marten?”

“Does it matter?”

“Guess not,” Azusa slightly jumped up, “Oh yeah, the reason I came out here: Rey-chan, Kumiko-chan, and Reina are coming over soon. The latter two wanted to tell her about their plan for the festival, and since we’re organising it, they wanted to do it here. I’d suggest sobering up, and maybe putting on more clothes.”

I scowled at her, “It’s just a crop top. Need I remind you that just because they’re all gay too doesn’t mean they’re as horny as you.”

She pursed her lips, “Alright, sorry for caring about your modesty.”

“It’s my own damn apartment, if I want to walk around naked I should damn well be able to.”

“I can’t decide whether to encourage that or dissuade you from that,” she blushed, raising from the parapet and extending a hand to me.

“I’ll warn you if I decide to,” I accepted her hand and she helped me to my feet, “Though if I get high enough, I might forget to.”

“Fair enough.”

As we shuffled ourselves back into the apartment proper, I made a mental checklist of everything I needed to straighten up before they arrived, and wondered if I should call the silver-haired wonder child here too, since she was a cog in this plan. Should probably order some food as well, since both Azusa and I were hopeless cooks.

————————————————————

_The Green Groves of Erin — Reyna Marten_

_————————————————————_

A whole day had gone by, and I was still pretty bummed out from my conversation with Shino. Of all the times I’ve had to cut things off with someone, that was at least in my top three hardest.

I tried to shove it down for the time, not wanting to worry Kumiko or Reina, who were keeping a few feet’s pace ahead of me. Since we reunited, they’ve been giving me some space to kind of figure my own shit out, but I could tell that it was weighing on Reina specifically. Out of everyone I knew on this side of the globe, she was definitely the one I felt the closest to on an emotional level. We had just met when this particular sequence of events kicked off, and as a result, whether or not we stayed in touch the whole time, she felt just as close to the battlefront as I did. Albeit, I undoubtedly had more of a hand in its developments, good or bad.

Through my mental gymnastics, I followed along as we crossed the bridge separating Yuri’s apartment building from Usagiyama proper. As we did so, Reina turned back to put me in her peripheral.

“When are you gonna decide how to wear that new hairstyle, anyways?” she inquired, giving me a small smirk to inform me it was good-natured teasing.

I ran my fingers across the headband, brushing my parted bangs into place on either side, “I think I’ve gotten too used to having something on my head, but I want to get away from wearing the hat all the time. So, I dunno, maybe I’ll stick with this.”

“It’s a good look,” Kumiko chimed in, holding her hands behind her back, “Very American.”

“Damn, really?” I sighed, wanting to get away from that style.

“I mean,” Reina slowed her pace to not have to crane her head as far back, “It could pass as gyaru. And if you wore it higher, I don’t think anyone would even bat an eye.”

I accepted the advice, shifting it upwards on my head, “I am trying to avoid looking like Ritsu when we first met her, too.”

“Your forehead isn’t nearly big enough, plus even if it was, your eyebrows are strong enough to counteract that.”

“Jeez,” I snickered, fanning the back of my hair out, “Compliment me more, why don’t ya?”

Kumiko followed Reina’s example, using the shorter distance to examine me closer, “You’re just unique, Rey-chan. With all of your quirks, it would be hard for you to look like anyone else.”

“Okay, I get it,” I became a little flustered at both of their undivided attention, “Go back to endlessly flirting with each other and let me third wheel in peace.”

“I might be all flirted out, honestly,” Reina remarked as we crossed the final street to the apartment, “I’m still pretty worn out from the other night.”

“From what?”

“Reina!” Kumiko fretted as her cheeks dipped several shades, “Can we not?”

Confused, my gaze bounced between the two before Kumiko’s unnerved blushing and Reina’s cocky smirk helped me connect the dots, “No way.”

Realising I had put two and two together, Kumiko shyly bundled into herself and backed behind myself and Reina, causing both of us to chuckle at her innocence.

“Don’t be like that, Kumiko,” I tried to reassure her, “There’s no shame in it, especially when it’s with someone you love, and it can stay between us girls.”

“I just…” the frazzled floof floundered, “… It’s so soon to be so casual about it. Give me some time.”

“She’s right,” Reina conceded, cycling back around to comfort her partner, “I’m sorry, Kumiko.”

I took solace in them continuing to flourish in their relationship, allowing their positive vibes to push me onward towards Yuri’s abode. I didn’t get the chance to explain to Azusa why Shino barged out of the apartment so quickly yesterday, so I had been a bit uneasy about seeing her again and possibly having to explain it. So far, Azusa had been very chill and understanding, so I wasn’t sure what I expected. After how quickly everyone else had steered clear of me, maybe I was just paranoid.

As if I didn’t already have some serious issues, now I have to stave off abandonment? I wish that the universe would stop testing me already.

We finally reached the staircase upwards, with me leading the pack now. As we ascended, I once again thought about how nice it was to have a group again. I’d always kept a decently sized group in my orbit, and all the times I hadn’t had one ended up being the hardest points in my life. If I’m honest, these girls were very likely the only thing keeping me sane right now. 

Cresting the staircase and journeying down the 600’s, I caught the signature black ponytail leaning on the wall right outside the apartment, likely waiting for us. Just before we reached earshot, she glanced towards our approaching gathering.

“I was wondering when you all would get here,” she commented, pushing herself upright and peering around me towards a still bundled Kumiko, “What did you do?”

“N— Nothing, I’m okay,” Kumiko stammered, fighting to regain her composure.

Azusa’s furrowed brow shot back to me, to which I responded with a dishonest shrug. I wasn’t gonna be the one to spring the news on the person most likely to tease her about it, so I played dumb.

“What are you doing out here, anyways?” Reina questioned as she stopped just before the tenant, “It’s still pretty hot out here.”

“Yuri brought over a surprise guest, and I’m still trying to process it,” she relayed, the corners of her mouth dropping.

“Who is it?” I inquired, looking to the sealed door.

“See for yourself.”

I obliged, marching to the doorknob and twisting it, then stepping inside. Kicking off my shoes, I listened for their voices, hearing the muted tones past the glass separating the living room from the balcony. Rounding the corner, I peered around to the source, only seeing Yuri and guessing the other person had been obscured by the curtains. I then fearlessly sauntered over, pushing the sliding door open and immediately recognising the other voice.

_“I’m not sure that’s the best idea, she still seemed pretty torn up last time I saw her.”_

Before responding, Yuri spun around to witness the invader, “Speak of the devil and she shall appear. I’ll leave you two for a moment and get our food ready.”

As she brushed past me, I crossed through the last of the threshold and stared at Kairi, who was wearing the shorts I lent her last summer, the same shirt as the fight, and her glasses, which she hadn’t shed since the bridge. As well, she cradled a cigarette between her right pointer and middle fingers, firing off my withdrawal center almost immediately.

“Reyna, I, uh…”

“Don’t worry,” I tried to ease her surprise, “You don’t have to tiptoe around me anymore. I’m doing better, little by little.”

She warmly smiled, setting her arms back on the parapet, “No thanks to me. I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I needed to spread my wings again,” I remarked, joining her on the iron bars, “Probably better that you gave me a bit of distance.”

As we got reacclimated to each other’s company, she extended an unlit dart to me, to which I put up my hand and extracted my vape from my pocket.

“Quitting again?” she inquired, taking a long drag and expelling it flawlessly.

“I’m trying,” I replied, mimicking her with my electric counterpart, “Liv always hated it when I smoked cigarettes. Guess it’s just another way to make up for things.”

“Remind me to never smoke in front of her, then.”

Although a tiny part of me still felt endlessly resentful towards her, I was overall thankful that Kairi and I had put away whatever bullshit antagonistic push-and-pull we had for my first week here. When she wasn’t being a complete cunt, she was actually a good friend and decent company. I was starting to understand how her and Liv got so close last season.

“Stop me if you don’t want to talk about it,” she prefaced, turning her gaze to the horizon, “But I heard Shino paid you a visit the other day. Everything okay?”

I heavily sighed before elaborating, “I officially cut things off with her, and she was not into it. I’m not sure how you two are doing at the moment, but if you could try to diffuse that for me, I’d be grateful. I don’t think she’s gonna want to hear from me again for a _while_.”

“That bad? Yeah, I’ll do what I can, but that’ll be the third thing you owe me for.”

“Oh yeah? What’s the second thing?”

“Playing defense when Olivia wouldn’t stop asking about you after Tuesday.”

I shrunk a little bit at her words, to which she remorsefully inched towards me, “But hey, you two patched things up when you went to Nagoya, so it’s all good now, right?”

“All good is a bit of a stretch,” I rested my head on her shoulder, desiring some sort of physical comfort and knowing she wouldn’t protest, “But it’ll be a lot easier next time we see each other.”

“That’s good,” she pressed her cheek against my head.

“So what are you doing here, anyways? I didn’t know you and Yuri kept in touch.”

“On and off, but after I realised she went to Yamada too, we’ve been reconnecting. I wasn’t expecting to see Sasaki here though, or ever again, honestly.”

My mouth shifted in hesitation before I decided to ask anyways, “How do you know Azusa?”

“A fleeting moment on the way home from tour last season,” she flicked her cigarette, “Nothing came of it, but we haven’t even talked since. It might be a little awkward.”

“Well, play nice,” I chuckled, feeling the physical contact begin to intoxicate me, “She’s part of my gang now, so she’s not going anywhere, and I’d rather you not go anywhere either.”

I could sense my words startled her somewhat, which only made my heart race faster.

“Reyna…”

It had been a hot minute since I’d been this close to someone that wasn’t a hookup, and just the thought filled me with a familiar, but unwelcome warmth. I straight up lied to Shino when I said I needed to do this alone, but the resentful angel on my shoulder scolded me for even considering the notion that my emotional rock could be Kairi.

Deciding not to speak after all, Kairi pressed harder into me, connecting the two of us at the hip as well, flooding my brain with the better memories from our night together that first week.

In a panic of emotion, I flicked both the angel and devil away and acted on pure impulse.

Barely able to hold myself back, I gently grabbed her at the waist and spun her towards me, becoming momentarily paralysed when her upturned eyes met mine. In a panic to de-escalate the growing tension between us, I planted a kiss on the exposed portion of her forehead, immediately questioning how that would de-escalate anything. It was such a knee-jerk decision that I felt the need to explain myself the moment after it happened.

“Thanks for looking out for me, Kairi. Now come on, let’s help Yuri out with the food, or something.”

She simultaneously furrowed her brow and turned crimson at my uncharacteristic affection for her, freezing in place as I hurriedly pushed the sliding pane open and held it open for her. Probably unsure of how to question it, she instead accepted it and shuffled through the gap, with me closing it behind her.

As we re-entered the air-conditioned interior, the congregation had gathered just before the outer kitchen counter, conversing amongst each other. Kairi and I pushed past the awkwardness of our exchange and trekked across the living room, halting when the group began to turn towards us.

“What do you think, Sano?” Yuri pressed, with the remainder looking on with optimism. I promptly realised that I was out of the loop, and there was something ulterior going on.

“Yeah,” Kairi joyfully smirked, “Let’s do it. Should be fun.”

“That just leaves Reyna, then.”

I sent a bewildered scowl at Yuri, who glanced to Reina to explain.

“We’ve been planning out a performance at the upcoming festival,” Reina began, “It’s been in the works for a while, but we weren’t sure what we were gonna do until you were yourself again. With our current plan, we’ll need a tuba player.”

I cocked my head at the unexpected proposal, tangling my fingers behind my back, “I don’t know, I haven’t practiced in a few weeks. What would we even play?”

“Green Groves, what else?” Kumiko chimed in with a grin.

I felt the pressure bearing down in the form of their unified hopeful gazes, unsure why I was even unsure. One of my goals going into this trip in the first place was to continue finding performance opportunities, anyways, so why was I so hesitant now? I wasn’t _that_ nervous about a simple small ensemble performance in front of a crowd I’d likely never see again, was I?

Deciding that indecision was stupid, I took a leap of faith, “Yeah. I’ll need to practice a lot between now and then, but I’ll do it.”

A communal sigh of relief released from all but me, with the conversation striking back up directly following. As we mingled over mediocre takeout, I pondered my uncertainty once more.

Maybe a small part of me felt immensely reprehensible for how much others had been sticking their necks out for me recently. While I certainly felt better in this past week since Kairi first showed me an at-the-time uncharacteristic act of kindness by stopping me and taking me home, I almost felt more at home in the moments where I was emotionally alone. As much as I loved my clique back in Kapareno and at the Outriders, they did little to make me feel less alone when I needed it the most, so I’d grown accustomed to feeling that way. However, be it Kairi, Yuri, Midori and Kanna, Azusa, or Reina and Kumiko, everyone currently around me at least _seemed_ to genuinely care about my well-being and self worth.

I didn’t want to second guess it, but I couldn’t help it. Guess that’s just another thing to work on.

  
(Thank you to @haiyunee on Twitter for this wonderful art of Reyna as she appeared in Chapter 13)


	24. Torture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s musical selections include:
> 
> The First Circle by Pat Metheny  
> Candide by Leonard Bernstein  
> Torture by Les Friction
> 
> Queue them up for the full effect of the vision of this story.
> 
> —————————————————

**This chapter of Yamada Daigaku contains sexual content that some could find triggering. Reader discretion is advised.**

————————————————————

_ The First Circle — Reyna Marten _

_ ———————————————————— _

__ All of our eyes were locked on Yuri’s acceptably sized television as we watched the ViewTube recording of Azusa’s gig last Saturday. The performance was an open-air concert at a venue I’ve yet to visit downtown, and the chart they were currently playing was  _ The First Circle _ , one of the only purely jazz songs that I gave a single shit about. I really needed to shake my high school bitterness for not getting into the jazz band, didn’t I?

Unfortunately for us, it was a pretty saxophone heavy piece, meaning the camera constantly provided close-ups of the saxophones and their soloists. That detail, though, created a funny peak-and-valley reaction throughout our six person gathering where every wide shot, our gazes would immediately relocate Azusa. However, in the few moments where the trombones got to shine, it was abundantly clear who the standout member of the section was. Every time I got a real taste of the talent surrounding me, I both got overly excited to perform with them, and unfairly jealous of how much more developed they were on their respective instruments than me.

Especially when it came to Azusa or Kairi, since they had both marched drum corps brass, meaning their skills were more directly comparable to mine. Either way, we all lightly bounced to the entirely too clean performance, with the exception of Kairi, who had found comfort in occupying the length of the left couch and using my thighs as a pillow. Part of me felt awkward for allowing such a blatant display around the others, but the other part of me was too gay to care.

“I wish I would’ve known about this gig,” Kairi lamented, “It would’ve been so fun to perform outside again.”

“It was an invitational. I only got in ‘cause of some high-level recommendations by my old band directors,” Azusa relayed, leaning her shoulders on the foot of the couch behind her.

“Fair enough. Who’d want to bring in a kid from a nowhere’s school like Hikarizaka?”

Reina rotated around towards the silver-maned underdog, “What instrument would you have played?”

She had to consider her options before responding, “I could’ve been on trumpet, either guitar, any of the saxes, in the flutes, though probably not in an ensemble of this level, but yeah, no shortage of choices.”

“Why learn so many instruments?” Kumiko interjected with a tilt of the head.

“Freelancing is a cutthroat profession. The more you know, the easier it is to get gigs,” Kairi elaborated with an informative upwards point.

“You could say that again,” Azusa huffed, “Do you know how many gigs I’ve lost out on just because they already had enough trombones? I wish I had the patience to learn anything else, but why would I when I already play the best brass instrument?”

“You learned euphonium, though,” the brunette puff spun around to her ponytailed compatriot.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t have an option then. And it was only decently worth it.”

Yuri furrowed her brow in playful disapproval, “Oh, don’t be like that. Just because we didn’t win in 2018 doesn’t mean the season was a bust.”

“Easy for you to say, wearing 2017’s championship ring around your neck,” Azusa pouted in Yuri’s general direction.

“Santa Barbara Vanguard was just better your year, and that’s that. Doesn’t mean we weren’t fucking awesome both years,” the champion flag-twirler threw her hands behind her head dismissively.

“All this top two talk is making me nauseous,” I held my head in feigned illness, “Must be nice to be at the peak of the activity and still be dissatisfied.”

“Oh, whatever,” Yuri rebuked, turning her attention to the two Outriders, “I’ve seen both of you perform, and either of you could be in any corps you want.”

“But a true Outrider knows love, pain, and shame, but never cares about fame,” I deflected by quoting the joke plaque that had been hung up in the equipment trailer since my rookie year.

“Riders…” Kairi began the corps chant, awaiting me to finish it.

I gladly obliged, “Roll out.”

“You two were in a cult,” Azusa snickered, “Not a drum corps.”

“All the best drum corps are cults.”

As our back and forth petered out, we redirected our attention to the screen just in time to catch the conclusion. I immediately noticed how hastily Azusa packed her equipment and left the stage, wondering what she was in such a rush to do.

“Why were you in such a rush to leave?” Reina put my thoughts to words, leaning back on her hands to see Azusa at the other end of the table they were sat at.

“She was on a date,” Kumiko leered with the most smug expression I’d seen from her, “I only saw her from the back but I saw you two head off together.”

“It was damn near a blind date,” Azusa defended herself, “Apparently she’s a model so she didn’t have any pictures on her Tender profile. But she sounded fun, and she was, until the end.”

I snickered at the concept, “Wow, you went on a date with a model? How famous are we talking?”

“Her name was Akiyama Mio. I’d never heard of her, but apparently she’s on a few billboards around town.”

The four former members of the small brass ensemble all collectively froze at the sound of that name as we sent concerned glances back and forth. Azusa recoiled at the unusual reaction, looking between the quartet for answers.

“… What? Do you all know her or something?” she questioned with tangible worry in her voice.

“Or something,” Kairi confirmed, flipping around to face me instead of the group. 

The reminder of the events in band room two almost caused me to throw her off my lap, but I cautioned myself to not let the past dictate my actions when she’d been so good to me recently. Still, I kept my eye on her reactions to that chance to repent and express guilt for how it went.

“It’s a long story,” Kumiko remarked, reaching a hand to her nape, “But to summarise, she was supposed to be in the jazz band we were forming at Yamada, and she played a big part in that falling apart.”

Azusa let out a heavy sigh, “I’m not surprised. Like I said, it was a great time until the end, when a girl who I imagine was one of her exes ran up, ending our night prematurely.”

“Tainaka-san, no doubt,” Reina chimed in with a distasteful glare.

“Auburn bob cut?” the raven ponytail probed.

“Yeah, that’s her,” I confirmed, wondering how this development changed things.

Reina shook her head lightly, “Her hair was blue last time we saw her.”

“She was at the same salon when she got it dyed as me when I got my haircut,” I explained.

“I didn’t believe it at first,” Kairi tossed in her two cents as I felt every word on my stomach, “But if she dyed her hair back to normal, then came crawling back to Mio, then I can totally see it.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing?” Kumiko wondered aloud, following by illustrating her conclusion, “If they get back on good terms, then that would make it easier to get the rest back together.”

“You say that like we’re still considering forming a jazz band with them,” Reina expressed the full extent of her revulsion to the idea.

“I’m with Kousaka,” Kairi aligned, “It was a bad idea to try then, it would be an even worse idea to try now.”

As I did everything in my power to not chime in, I watched Yuri’s befuddled expression as she struggled to follow along. Both Reina and Kairi had understandable viewpoints, but I made a promise to myself to fix my mess, and thanks to my meddling, HTT was now officially my business, no further notice required.

“Let them stay apart. It doesn’t have to be our problem anymore.” Kairi punctuated, believing that would be the last word.

I shook my head, “I can’t do that.”

Kumiko and Reina snapped around to me in surprise, with Kairi pushing herself up to meet me at eye level.

She worriedly scowled as she tried to convince me otherwise, “Reyna, their problems aren’t your fault. Forget about them, we have a good enough group here, we don’t need them.”

“It’s not that this isn’t good enough,” I retorted, crossing my arms, “It’s the fact of the matter that because I agreed to help in the first place, then royally fucked it up that it’s now something I can’t just let go of like that. You three don’t have to be in on it this time, I can figure it out myself. It’s my fault anyways.”

“Don’t be like that,” Reina denied my declaration, “Remember what I said to you on your second day here. Don’t waste your time trying to save people who very clearly want to drown.”

“If I drown too, so be it. I have to fix what I helped break.”

Kairi clutched my shoulders and pulled me around to face her, “Reyna, no. This is the first time I’ve seen you genuinely content since I’ve met you. Don’t ruin it just because of some sudden hero complex. Let the past be the past, prioritise yourself.”

I scowled back at her, brushing her hands away, “That’s all I’ve ever done. I  _ have to  _ do this. Don’t try to stop me. If you don’t approve, then just stay out of my way.”

The emerald glow of her eyes died at my words, morphing her overflowing concern into dejection. I found myself resenting the guilt it injected into me, wanting to heed her words but knowing if I was going to make any progress in saving my own soul, I would have to at least try to save the souls of others. Observing the downcast gazes of the people surrounding me, I accepted that my divergent decision had killed the mood.

“I’m gonna step outside,” I stated, rising to my feet, stepping off towards the balcony, and lying for their sake, “If you all really think it’s that bad of an idea, I’ll think on it.”

A few disparate nods followed as I slipped out of the interior and back out onto the edge of the universe, once again feeling like everything was ahead of me and nothing was behind me. It didn’t feel great, accepting that the task of reconciling with Houkago Tea Time was an undertaking that I’d have to do alone, but it did feel like home.

They didn’t need this as much as I did. No matter how I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t get that image of Tsumugi shaking and weeping with my necklace around her neck out of my head. Against all of my wishes and promises, I had hurt her, too, and goddammit if I wasn’t going to make it up to her.

Somehow.

————————————————————

_ Torture — Sano Kairi _

_ ———————————————————— _

I loudly groaned at my boredom, plopping my phone down just below my collarbones and staring into the abyss that was the intermission studio talk-show of the Drum Corps International 2019 Semifinals. They were saying words, for sure, but I was so utterly disinterested that I couldn’t tell what they were saying. I rolled my head to face the living room ceiling, lightly kicking my feet as I awaited Reyna’s return from the restroom.

My glee from convincing her to watch Semifinals together as well as Finals leaked out in little ways, such as whatever schoolgirl shit my feet were doing just at the thought of spending time with her. What was worse was how disappointed I was when she had told me she wasn’t watching Prelims and we wouldn't hang out three days in a row. I didn’t want to be as lovesick as I had been, but after the bridge, and then the balcony at Yuri’s place, I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to be near her, and sharing what little taste of drum corps we could get on the other side of the Pacific was an easy way to get that.

As I forced my feet to sit still, I caught the click and subsequent creak of the bathroom door, then Reyna’s footsteps following. Humming as she spun around the corner, she abruptly stopped when she laid her eyes on me. I checked her out after she appeared, appreciating her at-home casual, which remained as camisoles and athletic shorts even after her street style had so drastically shifted in the past few weeks. The way she couldn’t decide how to wear her hair after the haircut enchanted me too, with her deciding to neatly tuck it all behind the ear today. It took me admittedly too long to question why she was standing in place staring at me, rather than finding her seat.

“What?” I asked as I stretched across the length of the couch. 

Oh, that’s probably it.

“Where am I supposed to sit?” she asked right back, crossing her arms and kicking out her left hip.

I playfully shrugged, to which she waltzed over, completely deadpan, raised my right leg, sat down in between my legs, and draped the right over her lap. I quivered at her proximity to my crotch, feeling my cheeks warm up but fighting it, realising how stupid that was when she’s already been much closer to that spot.

“Is the intermission almost over?” Reyna heavily sighed as she leaned back into the cushions, prompting me to lift my left leg out from behind her and prop it on top of the couch.

“I don’t know,” I commented, twiddling my thumbs, “I haven’t been paying attention.”

“I hope it is. I can’t wait to see how we handle it.”

“Handle what?”

She slapped my shin as she began, “This is the first time the Outriders have performed after the last Semifinals intermission, which just passing that performance slot is an achievement. Passing the Recruits at Allentown, their _ home show _ , got them that spot, and I’m really proud of them, but it’s not an enviable position. The judges are gonna be tempted to compare them more to the other top nine corps rather than ten through nineteen, and I don’t know if they’ll hold up. They’re good, but the show is a bit convoluted, especially with the  _ APETITAN  _ break in the middle. Yeah, it’s cool that we use out-of-the-box music like anime soundtracks, but I’m not sure if the panel of white boomer judges will agree.”

I simultaneously grinned and furrowed my brow at her, to which she cocked her head in offense.

“What?” she echoed my earlier inflection.

“You sure you’re not thinking too hard about it?” I teased, propping my ankle on her shoulder and ruffling her hair with my toes, “I doubt it’s that deep.”

“When you’re this high up in the rankings, it is that deep,” she pushed my foot away with a grimace, then continued with purpose, “We only got a taste of it last season, finishing in eleventh, in the trenches. Now that they’re in the battleground, up against former champions and rising stars, it’s gonna get down to nitty-gritty details to decide where they end up. Did you see their brass score last night?”

“No, what was it?”

“Nineteen. Out of twenty.”

“Oh damn.”

“Yeah,” she smirked, “If they can get any better than that, they’re in the running for top five hornlines this season. Imagine that. Nobody was talking about us when I was a rookie. If they get in the brass conversation, nobody will shut up about us.”

I huffed at her enthusiasm, “Are you sure you aren’t too into this, Reyna? And too into drum corps as a whole? I’ve seen you without your necklace twice, ever. You even wore it into the showers last season.”

“Drum corps has been the one constant in my life for the past three, now four years,” she remarked, her eyes drifting down to her hands, “Even when everything else changes beyond recognition or crumbles around me, drum corps and the lessons it taught me stay constant. Why wouldn’t I be obsessed with something that has saved me on several occasions?”

“I thought your rookie year sucked,” I pushed myself up against the armrest and swung my stray leg around into her lap.

“I’m glad it did,” she chuckled nostalgically, “I’ve only ever been able to learn the hard way, and being beat down so hard helped me become a whole lot better and a whole lot stronger than I was.”

A whole long stronger, huh? Then what was all that on the bridge about?

I elected to keep that grim observation to myself as I felt her phone buzz against my calves. She promptly reached under them to extract it, with her face lighting up as she unlocked it.

“Darby sent me a video of them playing  _ Candide _ ,” she motioned towards me, “Scoot in.”

I obliged her command by inching myself across the cushions, landing with my feet planted on the couch across from her thighs, arching my legs over hers, and my upper torso pushed up against her right arm. Sealing the deal, I rested my chin on her shoulder as she pulled up her device for both of us to see, landscape style.

In frame was the Rasgado clique, in their pod of the mixed circle, with big and bearded Erin on tuba, tiny Alex on euphonium, Olivia the lovely on mellophone, and surfer-dick Carson on trumpet, in ascending order. We watched as they raised their instruments in sync, snapped them into playing position, and the nostalgic sounds of the corps’ warm-up fanfare filled our ears, starting quietly until it grew almost too loud for the phone’s speaker. 

I felt her goosebumps rubbing up against my own as we appreciated the unrealistically clean runs and rhythms in each section. As they roared on towards the end of the excerpt, I began to grasp how insanely strong the hornline had gotten since last year, and understood Reyna’s enthusiasm for their brass score.

After they nailed the final stab, the hornline broke ranks, with the four in frame bringing their horns down and assuming standby instead.

Darby’s voice rose over the surrounding footsteps,  _ “Anything y’all want to say to Reyna and Sano?” _

Rather than speak, the quartet simultaneously flicked their free hands into peace signs, with Alex holding back her laughter. With that, the video ended and Reyna and I shared a giggle at the ridiculous ending. As we gathered ourselves, we both became acutely aware of our proximity, with us refusing to look at each other.

I decided to try to dispel the awkwardness, “Gonna grab me and kiss my forehead again?”

That only worsened things as her caramel cheeks turned rosy, “That was Plan B.”

Before I could inquire what Plan A was, the audio from the television abruptly switched from the intermission talk-show to the interior of Lucas Oil Stadium. We both snapped around to the screen, with me taking the opportunity to retreat back to where I was previously sitting. As I settled in, I observed the uniforms and props once more, seeing that the props had ever so slightly changed. At the top, there were now small circular sections that were slightly raised from the rest. On the right circle, what appeared to be a minimalist headset attached to an industrial battery pack sat alone.

_ “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the field: from Flower Mound, Texas, the Outriders!” _

__ The audience loudly voiced their excitement as I held back the urge to join in. I glanced to Reyna to see if she felt the same, seeing her staring intently at the lower portion of the screen.

“What are you squinting at?” I inquired, crossing my legs over hers.

“I was trying to see if we could see Yuri and Azusa from this angle,” she explained, scooting back into the cushion behind her, “They’re in the blast zone, two or three rows from the sideline.”

“They should get their ears checked when they get back.”

She snickered, “That’s what I said.”

At that, the title card flashed across the screen, displaying an action shot of Alex this time, in a uniform that was distinct from the one they were currently in. The top and sleeves were white, with the silver hatched portion wrapping around the waist instead of continuing all the way up.

“What is  _ that  _ outfit?” I craned over to Reyna for answers.

“That,” she started, “Is the second stage uniform, just like how we took off the vests halfway through last year. They unveiled them right after Denver.”

Nodding in acknowledgement, I returned my attention to the livestream.

_ “Drum majors, Megan Breckenridge, Jesse Hawkes, and Demarcus Waters: is your corps ready?” _

__ Megan acknowledged by pivoting on the podium, presenting her salute, removing her shako, and turning back towards the corps.

_ “Performing their 2019 program, Frontier, Drum Corps International is proud to present: the Outriders!” _

__ I watched intently this time around, trying to notice all the differences in the performance and their execution of it. The trombones playing the  _ High Charity Quartet  _ were now sparsely set between the different fractions of the prop ship instead of knelt down midfield, the follow-the-leaders in  _ Snowy Mountains  _ had much sharper turns than before, and the scatter drill in  _ Requiem _ now flowed seamlessly into the star map formation. What immediately stuck out to me was  _ Requiem  _ flowing immediately into  _ Exit Music _ , with the transition drill adjusting accordingly.

“Did they just skip a whole movement?” Reyna echoed my internal dialogue, “No wonder their Music Analysis scores shot up, too.”

As the ballad flowed gently along, one of the afore-mentioned circular platforms, which had both mysteriously disappeared at some point, raised up with Olivia on top, in the white and grey uniform from the title card. While she belted into her mellophone, sounding significantly fuller than Denver, I couldn’t help but notice how the nearly skin tight top hugged her form. White was definitely her colour.

From the ballad, the ethereal  _ Cathedral of Reason  _ excerpt carried the corps into position for the final movement,  _ Hikari _ , an absolutely beautiful and tender overture complemented by professional dance-level choreography and no shortage of swirl formations. Masterfully marching into the signature last formation of the Outriders, the dual deltas, the corps capped off the show with a perfect swell into the last cord. As they snapped their horns down, the crowd came alive with a standing ovation. I awaited the drum major’s bow, but got none as she conducted straight into another movement, one that began with disparate piano strokes.

“They added a whole other movement?” my mouth went agape, “In the middle of the season? How?”

“Not in the middle of the season,” Reyna wiped away her tears from the ballad, “In the  _ last week  _ of the season. This wasn’t in yet at Allentown. Guess they had to fill the time gap that cutting  _ APETITAN  _ left somehow.”

“Did you know about this?”

“No, but I recognise the piece. A winds group performed it in the winter season, too. It’s called  _ Torture _ .”

While we were conversing, the piano had given way to the brass coming back in and slowly swelling into another incredibly powerful hit. As they trucked through each power cord and climbing melody, the other circular platform raised up, revealing none other than Mia, clad in a pearl version of the guard outfit, despite being a member of the admin staff.

“Can she do that?” I barely held back my stupefaction.

“She’s competition age,” Reyna stated, crossing her arms in intrigue, “I don’t see why not.”

With the corps proper turning backfield and rearranging, Mia donned the headset and breathed in.

_ “Save a place inside the walls of your cluttered mind, _

_ Let's listen for silence, _

_ And sail back to when you crumble and decay. _

_ There's no love in this violence. _

_ No love anymore, no love anymore, _

_ No love anymore, no love anymore…” _

__ My chin stayed on the floor as the hornline came back and delivered one last explosive hit into a company front, which twisted and broke, spun into swirls, then unfurled back into a company front just in time for the roaring brass to finish. While the crowd screamed in excitement, the piano returned and the entire on-field ensemble ran towards the prop, extending their hands to Mia at the top, who fell to her knees and stared up into oblivion.

_ “Ladies and gentlemen, under the direction of Kelley Kimberly, the Outriders!” _

As the corps began to break down the props and pit, I turned once again to Reyna, who was holding her hands over her mouth with tears welling in her eyes, just like after us watching the Denver show. Rather than sit aside and let her cry herself out like last time, I rushed over to her side and held her, with her promptly returning the embrace.

I gently rubbed her back as I spoke over her shoulder, “Reyna-chan, are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” she sniffled, “I’m not sad about it anymore. I’m just  _ so proud _ of them, and I can’t wait to march alongside them again.”

“I’ll be right there with you.”

“You better be,” she muttered, brushing her cheek against my shoulder, with her lips ‘accidentally’ gliding across my neck.

Oh, I know that move.

Even though I recognised exactly what she was going for with that action, I froze up, unable to lift a finger to encourage that behaviour. With us so close, connected at several points, I felt the butterflies in my core, so overstimulated by all synapses firing in all cylinders that I couldn’t control myself whatsoever. Her hands then slid down from my back to my waist and squeezed, sending a shiver through me.

“Reyna-chan,” I regained control of my vocal cords and decided to crack a joke in an attempt to ease myself, “You have some interesting mood swings.”

“I— I’m sorry,” she became embarrassed and pushed herself away, breaking each point of contact and setting herself down with some breathing room between us.

I shook my head at the act, feeling my cheeks beginning to glow, “I never said I didn’t like it. Plus, I don’t really give a damn about the Blue Suns this season.”

Her face began to match mine as she pressed her hands into her lap, “It’s not that, we shouldn’t—”

Not wanting to lose this momentum and gathering enough control to do something about it, I interrupted her by throwing my arms around her neck and pressing my lips against hers. To my surprise, she didn’t even protest, clutching my hips and pulling me onto her. With some repositioning through our continued kissing, she backed herself against the back of the couch and I swung my leg over hers, straddling her as we passionately made out in the living room to the tune of the Blue Suns taking the field.

She then separated our lips to plant successive kisses down my neck, travelling down until she reached the neckline of my shirt. Impatiently, I guided her hands to the bottom, after which she lifted, raising it over my bust. Uninterested in my sports bra, she promptly pushed that out of the way as well, then began to plant kisses across my left breast until she reached my nipple and started softly sucking. In between my moans, gasps, and fluttering eyes, I caught her phone in my peripherals.

The screen had lit up and it had started vibrating its way towards us, with the Caller ID in the center reading ‘Kotobuki Tsumugi.’

No way is she ruining this for me.

In a desperate act to remove the variable, I threw myself on top of the phone, taking Reyna with me. The cool screen and aggressive vibration against my nearly bare back shook my torso, leading me to pull Reyna’s face back up to mine to prevent any suspicion. With her on top of me, knee against my crotch, and glimmering, mismatched eyes locked with mine, I was quickly overcome with emotion.

“I love you, Reyna.”

She recoiled slightly at the words, just like she had every time I’d said it before, but this time, her brow began to furrow and she looked much deeper into me.

“… You’re serious…”

I lightly giggled in an attempt to distract myself from the stabbing sensation in my chest, “‘Cause that’s the right response to that statement. Makes me feel  _ very  _ good about myself.”

She hesitated, “… Why?”

“Wouldn’t it be nice to know—”

“No, Kairi,” she stopped me, “Why would you say that now? I  _ just  _ cut things off with Shino.”

It was my turn to scowl at her, “I’m not Shino. We’re so much closer than you two ever were. At least, I thought we were.”

She pushed herself up into a sitting position, “Only because you tortured me for a week and tore apart an already fractured group that I had worked very hard to bring back together.”

I followed suit, pulling my bra and my shirt back over myself, “Did you forget the part where I stopped you from killing yourself?”

“If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have been on that bridge!”

My heart skipped several beats as her second stab plunged directly into it, causing me to harshly gasp. The regret instantly filled her eyes, with her previously indignant expression turning utterly remorseful. It didn’t matter, as my chest began to ache and my eyes began to flood. I raised to my feet, remembering her phone and lifting it behind myself.

“Kairi, I didn’t mean that,” she implored, standing up to meet me at eye level.

“Then why did you say it?” I managed to mumble through my now falling tears, “Like…”

How dumb was I for letting my guard down like that? Did I really think that I was  _ safe _ with someone who had been the target of my harassment just a few weeks earlier? With someone who I had been serving their just desserts for hurting one of the few people I still genuinely cared for? What the actual fuck was I thinking, going off and falling in love with Reyna Marten, serial heartbreaker and impulsive disaster? Out of all my stupid, shitty moves since leaving Hikarizaka, this felt like the stupidest and shittiest. 

Like I was gonna let that crush me. After all I’d been through? Fuck that.

It must have been an unnerving sight, watching a spiteful, twisted smile creep across my face as the waterworks flowed over it. Reyna’s shame turned sour, with alarmed confusion overtaking her expression. Even after everything we’d been through together, even after falling head over heels for her, there was still a small, wicked part of me that revelled in watching her squirm.

“You’re right,” I taunted, closing my eyes in an attempt to slow my streaming tears, “It’s my fault. I did that to you. But did you ever wonder why, Reyna-rin?”

“I didn’t have to wonder,” she backed up in aversion to the new direction of our exchange, “I knew.”

“And you accept it?”

“… What else can I do?”

I sauntered over to her, resting my arms around her neck once more and glaring into her averted eyes, “You  _ are _ an awful person, after all, but that’s exactly why I love you.”

It was obvious that her arousal hadn’t completely evaporated in her anger, needing just a push over the edge to assume control of her again. Knowing how to achieve that result, I placed my index finger and thumb on her chin, directing her eyes towards mine. Her reddish brown and sky blue gems spoke to so many unsavoury emotions brewing just beneath, and I wanted nothing more than to drink them up. 

Rather than voice any of them, she simply stared back at me, waiting for a queue for what to do next. I resented her silence, feigning retreat for a moment by releasing her chin, bringing my arms back to my sides, and turning to sit back down on the couch. However, before I could even start falling into the cushions, she sprung alive, pouncing and bringing us both down onto the loveseat. As we came crashing down, I found her gaze once more, and seeing which emotion she’d chosen.

With her over me yet again, her curtain of raven hair obscuring the ceiling light, and her hands pinning me in place, I knew that my hail mary strategy had paid off.

No words passed between us as we stared into each other, mine practically begging for her to do whatever she desired. Catching on, perhaps acting out of spite, the sudden contact of her mouth on my neck sent a violent shiver radiating through me, growing as her teeth lightly sunk into my skin. The whimper that involuntarily escaped my lips excited her even more, prompting her hands to peel my shorts down and away.

As she claimed dominance over me and everything I had to offer, I internally scorned the decisions I’d made to achieve this end. Was it really worth it, causing her so much anguish just to have her exactly how I wanted her? I knew it wasn’t healthy, I knew it wasn’t right, and I knew it was so horrendously selfish, but it was what I knew I could do, how I could get my way.

After how much life had beaten me bloody, I deserved a few wins. I despised my methods, probably even more than the people I’ve hurt to achieve them, but a Pyrrhic victory is still a victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharo / Paco here, 
> 
> So I’m looking for some beta readers. My editor has been fizzling out, and I’m not the type to ask for help when I need it, so if you’re interested in proofreading chapters of Yamada Daigaku no Reyna-chan, contact me at @centrexisaac on Twitter.
> 
> Also, I’ve added this fic to WattPad as well, same title, same pseudonym. If you have the time, please go support me over there as well.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and see you all on the 17th / 18th for some Azusa Sasaki shenanigans!


End file.
